Hi all,
Firstly, I'll start by saying that I've been browsing this forum for some time so thanks to each and every one of you who contributes. It's very powerful to read other people's stories and, rightly or wrongly, I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone.
So,a bit about me -
- 35 years old
- Married to my beautiful wife for 5 years and 356 days. We have 3 beautiful children together (nearly 6 months, 4 years and 6 years)
- Diagnosed with ADHD in September 2020 (combined, severe)
- Been medicated since March 2022, currently on 60mg Elvanse once daily with a 5mg top up when needed (although I usually forget to take the top up).
- I've wronged my wife for too long and I need to change - I've never wanted anything more in my life
- I'm an expert in distorting reality, I guess to protect myself from the truth
- I've never really fully and truly accepted my ADHD diagnosis. I have no idea why as my wife has never been anything other than 100% supportive and accepting and loving of me for me, ADHD 'n all.
Whilst I've only just begun to accept this and start to come to terms with it, I've been in a pretty bad place mentally for the last 3 or so months. I've been snappy, useless, (more) incompetent, unhelpful, uncaring and downright horrible to be around. I refused to accept this change and did what I do best, bury my head in the sand and pretend everything is all good.
Fast forward to mid November and my wife and I separated. I say separated, I left with nowhere to go in a temper one day after an argument. An argument that I caused despite my wife trying her best to make it better. Just typing that out for the world to see fills me with shame, frustration, disappointment, hurt and every other negative emotion going.
With nowhere to go, I had to swallow my pride and reach out to a mate from work. He's a good bloke with a big heart and I knew that, whilst judgment would be there, it wouldn't be too intense and I'd probably be able to convince myself that he wasn't passing judgment. He gave me somewhere to stay, he gave me someone to talk to, he gave me a shoulder to cry on and he gave me support in the only way he knew how. I'll forever be grateful to him for what he did for me. I was too embarrassed of my situation and he also kept it entirely under wraps from everyone else at work. I'm a senior manager there and, until recently, I had the mindset of not showing any weakness and being a trusted person for anyone and everyone - if only I'd have taken the same mindset with my marriage I'm certain I wouldn't find myself where I am today.
I was really quite hard on myself during this time. My mindset and thinking was at an all time low and I'd convinced myself that they're all better off without me. It hurt so much not having my wife and kids by my side but I'd convinced myself they were better off without me.
My wife begged and pleaded for me to come home which I eventually did. Although I did it still refusing to accept the reality of where I was at mentally and the struggles I was going through. I knew deep down it was ADHD related and probably driven by ineffective medication but I'd waited years to get medication and I was terrified it would be taken away from me which would cause me to lose all home with my struggles in day to day life that having ADHD brings. That hope was important to me to a point where I'd managed to (very successfully) convince myself that everyone was better off without me.
My inability to accept the reality and face the truth meant that me going back home was an absolute shambles (all of my own doing). I spiraled downhill further and reached lows I didn't think were possible. This resulted in me leaving again.
I moved into my own place a couple of weeks ago which has forced me to spend a whole lot of time on my own and with my own thoughts.
I spend my days frightened. I spend my nights frightened. I'm having panic attacks that cause my feet, hands and face to have pins and needles, I spend every minute missing my beautiful wife and beautiful children and I spend my days with nothing but my own thoughts. I spend my days regretting all the little things I did wrong. All the big things, not caring enough, not being honest with myself and desperately trying (but ultimately failing) to distort reality into convincing myself that this is for the best.
Fast forward to about a week ago and I read something online about being honest with yourself and how it can't possibly harm you unless you allow it to. It said that its safe to be honest with youself and at that point, you can choose what to do with that honesty.. As soon as I read those words, my thoughts changed and I wrote down a whole list of honest things. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with them at this point but I didn't have anything to lose so I gave it a shot.
Some of the things I wrote down -
- I miss my wife more than I thought was possible and love her more than i even knew I did
- I'm well aware that my mood changed about 3 months ago and it changed because of the beginning of a process of coming to terms with having ADHD
- I'm scared to lose my medication but I know it's making no difference in a positive way but is severely and negatively impacting my mental health
- I'd do anything to have my family back
- I haven't been a very good husband and father
- The one thing I want more than anything in the world is to be the husband and father that my wife and children deserve
- I don't know how to fix this but I need to make a pact with myself to be honest. Like the article said, it was safe to do because I was in control of what I did with that honesty. I could do something useful and productive with it or I could do what I've always done and bury it and conjure up some nonsense as to the reasons for my behavior and actions that didn't make me feel so bad
I've sat with that list for several days and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. I must have read it 1,000 times and spent hours thinking and analysing all of the points.
I made a promise to myself, If I didn't want my life to end abruptly with a lot of pain and suffering for the people that care for me, I need to be honest, no matter what and no matter how uncomfortable that makes me feel.
I wasn't suicidal but there's been plenty of times where I'd longed to be dead over the past month or so. You see life through some different lenses where you're sat on the edge of the bed at 2am trying to get yet another panic attack under control, knowing full well that the next one is probably only a few minutes away anyway. There aren't words to describe the pain but there are actions I can take to try and make it better for my family. In turn, having them back will remove my pain.
I laid my cards on the table with my wife and told her how I really felt. I tried my best to demonstrate that this is different and that I'm aware and have some answers to my behavior and will stop at nothing to fix this and I meant every word. There is nothing I wouldn't do and I know it will take time and I know it will take effort and I know it won't be perfect but I will try. She's such an amazing person and she's never had unrealistic expectations of my and my ADHD. She's my rock and I will stop at nothing until I'm her rock. I love her more than she'll ever know and certainly more than my actions have ever demonstrated and that also has to change. And they will.
So that's the background of my situation. Really, I'm looking for some guidance from people that have been in my wife's situation. I so desperately want to get this right and prove to her that I can be the husband that she needs and deserves, that I can be the father to our beautiful children that they need and deserve and that nothing is more important to me than creating harmony is our family again. And most importantly, I'm 100% confident that we can get there because a positive outcome is driven by MY actions, MY changes and MY behaviours being corrected.
If anyone has any thoughts, advice, tips or anything at all to contribute, I will be more grateful than you'll ever know. I just want my perfect little family back.
Thank you all for reading.
Chris x
A little support, though I'm no expert
Submitted by thejamesjimbob on
Hi!
This is my first post on these forums, and I am not as far down the road to healing as you are myself, certainly no expert.
I would like to say that you have already made huge progress in spending real time to properly get to know your Self, and the core of what makes you tick, and that number one on that list is your love for your Rock. I haven't managed that yet! Out of interest, can you explain to yourself, put in to words, what it is about your wife that makes you love her so much? I struggle with that one too.
But about you. It also strikes me that your situation isn't dire, you haven't crossed any major lines with your wife yet. There is hope!
Second thing that struck me is that you (and I, and all of us) have a lot of work still to do to convince your wife of your change of heart and mind but the ONLY way I have seen in my limited reads work is through Action. Not "time heals all" but through many repeated actions over time. We need to show our wives the different Us to avoid bringing to mind the negative old Us. You've sat your wife down had an honest and frank (and difficult) conversation which was needed but only a first step. Now, you need to follow through on those promises and keep up showing her those actions and changed behaviours. Even when it seems unrecognised and you don't get any reward verbal feedback (which ADHDer's love), she almost certainly has noticed.
Thirdly, some general life advice I have just read. "Habits are nice, but if your whole life is only a series of habits, it gets boring as hell". ADHDer's typically love routine, but if your routines are not serving you or are negative, then identify and stop them. Search for new routines. If they excite you, share that emotion with your wife, she will get excited from your excitement. But if we don't keep working hard on ourselves, we stagnate.
Finally, some things my wife has helped me see which may help you:
Keep listening to those things she says she wants to do/shows interest in. Find out about them for her to help her have fun and show interest. Help her to network proactively to move herself forward. If memory about important engagements, Kids events or even past conversations is an issue (like me) then work on memory aids - journal/planner, brain-training apps. Use calendar apps, alarms, journals and a daily routine to keep time and organisation. My wife tells me to take the initiative and show leadership in our relationship - take the initiative with things to do without needing prompts. I know I courted her with the typical ADHD hyperfocus, now I need to figure out how to get it back. Basically, don't stop doing romantic things, even for free. At least once a week. Even small things like a candlelit dinner at the table rather than on the couch in front of TV. Or a picnic on your weekly walk. Better still if you take her likes and interests to account. My wife likes art, I suggested body painting. It didn't go down well, don't do that one. But get her 2 pieces of paper and a pencil and sketch and critique each other might? It shows that you listen and it shows that you care.
`
I hope this helps you, I hope that my comment helps bring you more views and comments, and I hope that you also get advice you seek from the non-adhd wife of someone who has been through what you're going through.
Hang in there bud ;)
Thanks for taking the time to
Submitted by BetterHusbandBe... on
Thanks for taking the time to reply!
I think you've absolutely nailed it regarding the actions. Words are just words, but actions have real substance, real meaning and some actual weight behind them. That's what I'm focussing on right now, demonstrating how things will be different through actions. I don't think for a second that it'll be easy. I don't think I won't make mistakes, but It's so clear to me in that what I want is her, those needed actions don't feel too overwhelming, impossible or 'out of reach'.
In answer to your question about whether I can put into words why I love her. I'll be honest, that's very easy for me. She's got a million and one amazing traits and I could very easily and very confidently list them all out - I must say I'm glad that isn't an issue for me. I'm sorry it's an issue for you bud, just keep working at it.
It's worth nothing though, my original post was a summary of the last couple of months. Many lines have been crossed over the years and there's a lot of work needed to even begin to fix them.
Thanks again for your reply, It's really appreciated.