I few months ago I just let go of my bitterness and resentment. This has been a huge bonus for us in our marriage. But, that isn't enough for my ADD wife. We haven't had sex in 9 weeks. That is partly due to me not initiating. I had to let go in order to find peace and happiness. So let me explain what is happening and perhaps someone has a suggestion for me to try.
My wife forgets sex. She forgets everything I like during sex. Any preferences or adjustments that you would assume happen over a life time together.. they just vanish. Certain positions are uncomfortable. Certain paces don't work... you know those things you spend a life time learning about each other, right? Well, she can't remember them. On top of that, if I say anything like, that hurts, a little faster, etc. She freaks out. Why can't I just like what she does. This is after 30 years of sex... she can't remember what I like, what I don't like and any request for adjustment is brutal to her.
So, I've lost interest in sex. I'm told sex is all about me but when I ask for her desires she says she doesn't know. I try to find a compromise and negotiate something that works for both of us but she stonewalls me and says it's all about me. I try to insist that she needs to get what she likes as well but she won't tell me. She only insists that I should only accept what she does even when it's 100% not working for me.
So the question is this. How do I stay engaged in sex and want sex if I'm never allowed to have any say or input?
codrdave...wish I knew too
Submitted by dedelight4 on
So sorry you are going through this also. We've been through this most of our marriage, and now for the past 7 or so years, we no longer have sex. My ADHD husband was the same when it came to sex. He wouldn't initiate it, but yet would joke about it suggestively like he "wanted it". But, then if I actually acted upon his suggestions, it wasn't "a good time". I think it was his ADHD that kept him from truly enjoying sex, because the act of sex would be over in less than three or four minutes, and wasn't exciting in the least. He never seemed to be "in the moment"....if you know what I mean. He had ED, which didn't help either. He sought help for that only because we weren't getting pregnant. We wanted a child of our own, and it wasn't happening. He made me go get checked first, because he wouldn't believe it could be him that was infertile. (I had already had 2 children) It wasn't me, it turned out, and again, I know this played on his mind and made him even "more" anxious.
He also didn't like to be touched too much......everything "tickled" him, he would say. I guess that means it was too much stimulus. (no back rubs, no lengthy hugs, or kissing, very little holding) No trying to get ME "in the mood"......meaning no foreplay. It was like, start, go, finish....done. Everything and anything would distract him, as well as him being totally paranoid about "getting caught", like he was a teenager thinking we were in the backseat of his Dad's car. It was so weird. So, sex was pretty boring. The worst thing for me was that he wouldn't let me discuss ways of trying to improve it. After about 15 years of this, I started getting angry. For a short while I ended up just yelling at him about it, which was wrong and I knew it.....so I stopped, but still NOTHING helped. I read every book I could get my hands on about what "turns men on", "how to be a sexpot in bed" and well, you name it. NOTHING WORKED. He would also "tease" me about having sex and even start to initiate it, only to cut it short and stop. He would do this right before leaving to go somewhere, like he KNEW we couldn't "finish" because we'd be late to an event. This felt cruel to me, and hurt me a lot.
After many years of this, I felt like such a loser and lost my confidence as a woman and confidence in most things. If the one "that says they love you", won't have anything to do with you sexually, plays havoc with your head and emotions. About 9 years ago now he was diagnosed with ADHD, and was put on Concerta, but still the sex didn't change. He was in the middle of a long term affair at the time, and since then there has been NO sex. It was so hard for me, but now I've gotten used to it, and it doesn't bother me any more. I've just given in to the fact that THIS is the way it's going to be. I guess he just doesn't want it. It HAS made me feel like I'm lesser of a woman in his eyes, even though my mind tells me I'm not less.
I know in this forum, Melissa talks about the ADHD persons often having a lesser sex drive......but then there is the OPPOSITE ones, who think of nothing BUT sex. It's weird, I know. (either or....black or white....all or nothing) I wish I had some advice for you, and some hope. Just wanted you to know, you're not alone.
My husband and I are finally get better, emotionally and relationship wise, which is a big thing. He finally is starting to get a handle on his ADHD, and his actions as a husband and father. I'm glad he's doing this, and it's been wonderful to see. There is still damage on my part, and I've got a lot of healing that needs to take place.(mainly to my self esteem and womanhood)
I hope you find some answers, and things get better for you guys.
Same here codrdave....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife is exactly the same as you describe it...She is now in her early 50's and has went through menopause...(chemo induced) which as brought on even more problems (dryness, sensitivity, and burning during intercourse) than a poor memory and inability to focus...
All I can tell you that has worked for me (us) is to be very patient...Try not to show my frustrations (haven't mastered this one yet... LOL), and buy you some Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil...It's been priceless!
Good Luck C