I am on a 1 week break from my partner because of his odd behaviour. I told him he is chaos and I need to remove myself from the mix so that he can sort himself out, and that he is draining me of all my spirit and will to live. During this week one of my male friends who has an ADD son emailed me asking whether my partner had got Adult ADD. I looked it up on the internet and I have been crying for the last 3 days. My partner has so many traits its not funny. I've told my partner in the past it feels like I'm dating a 15 year old and Im his parent/big sister/boyfriend all rolled into one. He's actually a 31 year old male and Im a 40 year old female, so I thought maybe it was the age gap but I think not now. He makes me laugh and he is very interesting and has a focused professionally mathematical technical mind and I love him and I still fancy him very much. So the following is not a rant, its real stuff I have to deal with and I don't know whether I should tell him we need to discuss getting him tested or I should just end the relationship for my sanity.
At the beginning of our relationship he had bad sleep issues where he would terrorise me by shaking me awake and just stare at me, sing or have long conversations with me. Next morning he would not remember anything. I told him to quit caffeine and things got better and now he only talks in his sleep every night which wakes me up. I found it strange that he has no memory of his adult life but can recall detail of when he was under 12years old. He cant remember what he did last week, and he has forgotten whole years of his life. I thought he was deliberately being secretive. He cant sit still, I tell him to stop foot tapping when he sits on the sofa because it makes me feel sea sick. He is the messiest man I have ever met in my life, he leaves his clothes underpants and socks on the floor and will leave them there...I wondered why I was ending up doing his laundry and he wasnt even living with me!!! In the end I asked him to use my laundry basket if he didn't want to take it home with him but he cant even do that. He talks over me all the time...he will ask me a question then while im answering he'll carry on talking! When we're with friends (his friends as well) in a discussion over dinner or anywhere he will lose the thread and I will have to explain everything again. I've found that he cant really articulate himself sometimes but that's ok, its the times when he talks so fast its like hes talking a foreign language, that frustrates me. When we're out with friends he either falls asleep at the dinner table or goes AWOL. He doesnt know his limit and half the photos are of him passed out, or he will disappear from the venue to go and get packet food (its ok hes not overweight) and on one occasion he then got lost. Everyone went home and I was left with a friend trying to direct him back to the venue over the phone. Anyone would think he was a 15 year old doing drugs (which he certainly does not). I don't mind helping him in other areas - like paperwork and admin type stuff, or updating his resume etc. Its the every day clumsy chaos that is driving me insane. He also has such low self esteem which he hides and 3 months ago he put himself on herbal anti-depressants (St John's Wart) and got himself an S.A.D light. He will have moody days but deny anything is wrong then the next day he will admit that he was feeling down and apologise for his behaviour. Bless him, I dont know whether Im coming or going with him, so the Lord only knows what he's going through. I articulate and communicate calmly with him but he finds it very difficult. He also has repetitive ticks but he's good at stopping when I tell him to.
At one stage he moved in with me but after two months of mess, chaos, braking things and him constantly saying "its only a glass, its only a marble work top...Its only a..." "I dont like cleaning Im better at cooking so you do all the cleaning" "Its just the way I am, just accept it", I asked him to move back to his flat that he was renting out to a friend and that we'd try again after refurbishing my flat.
I want to marry him, because of his qualities and he would make a fantastic fun outdoorsy father but Im scared I will be looking after two kids and he wont grow out of it.
His 28yr old sister has odd phobias - will only drive on single lane roads (their retired dad will drive her to parties, shops and airports) and she has sleep walking issues, and has memory problems and refuses to use a computer. His two cousins on his mother's side - one is 24yrs old, profoundly autistic and needs 24hr nursing as he cant even dress himself, and the sister is 20yrs and has just been put on permanent medication for OCD which was manifesting itself in violent outbursts. I once asked my partner's mother if he had been hyperactive as a child and she said "ooohhh!!! whatever made you think that??!" I felt guilty I asked. But then he recently told me he was very disruptive at school and didnt get on at all and 'they' wanted him to 'get tested' but he refused because he 'didnt want to be labeled'. So when he failed his exams his parents paid to send him to a special school for 15 to 19 yr olds who dont get on in mainstream learning. I feel annoyed with his mom that she wasnt honest with me.
My partner fell backwards down a flight of stairs (drunk) 9 months before we met and was in hospital for 2 weeks with a bruised brain. The fall also damaged the nerves connected to sense of smell. He has no sense of smell now and with that he loads his food with salt and chillies to replace the lack of flavour we have through smell. Ive told him all the salt will lead to heart disease and he should go back to the hospital to discuss his condition, but he refuses to ever see a doctor about anything. He said that because of his profession he wont be allowed to do his job if he has on record any type of medical condition. This is true to a certain degree and will restrict him from a Health & Safety perspective. But if anything happened and he has not disclosed any medical condition he is potentially putting other lives at risk with the type of work he does.
Im worried that if my partner agrees to treatment to save our relationship, he will revert to type within a year and by that time I will be getting too old to have a first child. And will that child have similar issues? But the way he is now, I wouldnt trust him to look after a baby.
I dont know what to do. Im seeing him in 2 days to discuss our relationship and where its heading but dont know how to tactfully tell him I think he has ADD and he should be tested. Or do I walk away before we get married.
There are a lot of factors at work here.
Submitted by Aspen on
Firstly, I am not an expert but it sounds like he has way more that just ADD going on here--and it does indeed sound like he has ADD but sometimes the same symptoms can be ascribed to multiple things, so firstly you absolutely need a professional diagnosis. It sounds like with his attitude toward doctors and his concern over his work (would he lose his job if he had an ADD diagnosis?) that this might be a battle for him.
I cannot imagine with all these symptoms that he has that he isn't aware there is something *wrong*, which may be part of the reason that he is afraid to get diagnosed. With so many different disorders in his family, he's probably convinced himself that he's *fine* since he isn't as bad as those others. My husband is the *normal one* as everyone eles in his family take meds for anxiety, his mom is both bi polar and ADD (just found out after hubby's diagnosis), and his sister is obviously unmedicated bi polar, but she resists the diagnosis. The bright side I guess is that even with an ADD diagnosis, he's still the *normal one* accd to his family and his diagnosis made the rest of the family realize his mother has it as do both is niece and nephew.
He is extremely intelligent but as soon as the classes got hard enough that he had to exert himself to understand (Calculus and the like) he grades suffered terribly in school and he only could succeed in college when he lived at home. When he moved on campus and was in control of his own time, he failed the majority of his classes TWICE! Until his dad told him it was the military or nothing. The rigidity of the military life was ideally suited to managing his distractive tendencies (though he chafed against it). I tell you these things to show you that there were CLEARLY overlooked problems throughout his history, but like many ADD people (when hyperactivity does not manifest it tends to stay under the radar) it wasn't until we were married and he was affecting another person with his day to day distractability that it got to a point when he said that there had to be something definitely wrong because he was trying to work toward the goals of our family and just couldn't remember.
What appeared to me as lack of interest in me and in the goals we'd set together was EXTREMELY hurtful to me until we found out about the ADD. This man that you love sounds much much more severe than my husband, so my advice would be to absolutely not marry him in an unmedicated state. There are stories all over this site of what life is like with a person who refuses to acknowlege ADD, and I am afraid that your sanity would suffer greatly! DO NOT PUT A CHILD INTO THAT SITUATION!! That is throwing grease on the fire as far as what I've seen. Your expectations will be greater with regard to him helping with a child, the child may well have all the same symptoms, and you'll be overwhelmed. My husband and I have chosen not to have children for a lot of reasons--all the mental illness in his family is one of them but certainly is not the entire story--but in his medicated state and with his natural love of children, I would feel completely confident in having a child as my husband stands now. Saying that I still know I'd have a lot more of the negative aspects of care while he had more of the *fun* ones. We've taken care of my 3 nieces and nephews frequently for days at a time ever since their births and I know he is a blast with kids and he tends to be very helpful, but during times when they are really sick or really acting out, his tendency is to leave that to me when at all possible.
As far as how to approach the conversation, I'm not sure as my husband is the one who finally said "There is something wrong. I did research and I think it is ADD, so we made an appt and found out." Easy peasy there at the end though the years previous when we didn't know were sometimes a struggle, and once they get the diagnosis they often are not good about following treatment. For example, my husband wanted the meds to be a *magic bullet* and he didn't want to put in the work to learn the skills he'd need. Didn't matter how much I told him that wouldn't work, his doctor told him it wouldnt work, his *coach* (cause he had a lousy one at first) told him it wouldn't work, he still spent at least a year doing not much else to manage his ADD other than take meds. I was ready to strangle him.
I think some people go through a mourning process that they have something that will not be cured and that they have to manage. And he wanted SOO badly for meds to do it all that he had to see for himself that his life was not much better until he started actively working to manage his symptoms. One symptom of my husband's ADD is that he can convince himself that wanting something badly enough is sufficient to make it be true. By this point I was MUCH less sympathetic because I was sick of waiting for him to get on the ball. I couldn't understand why he'd spend the time researching what he thought was wrong, take the tests, go to the doctor, and then not do what he needed to deal with the result.
It can be a baffling syndrome at times!! I'd approach the subject gently. Tell him that you missed him and that you'd love to remain a couple (if this is true of course!), but that his uncontrolled symptoms are affecting your life very negatively. See what comments he offers. My husband became fully convinced he had ADD as did another friend of ours after taking the 70 question yes or no questionaire in Dr Hallowell's book Delivered from Distraction. He just kept saying "This is absolutely me!" So if he gives you any indication of interest in finding out what is wrong tell him based on his symptoms you have a possible idea. Would he take this quiz? We had a blast doing it when my husband did, but we always used to jokingly take quizes together.
I really hope all the best for you and your boyfriend!! Just please know that a diagnosis will only be the beginning of your battle with ADD. We are almost 3 years into our diagnosis and this year has been mostly awesome as he's gotten better and better at his management. The first year I wanted to scream almost as much as I wanted to in that last year before diagnosis. How difficult it is will really depend on how severe his ADD is. My husband was willing to acknowlege, always willing to talk about how things were going and to make plans, but his followthrough was in the toilet. This year all the ingredients kicked in...we tweaked his meds, participated in a virtual ADD conference, got a new coach, got a new doctor--this one was forced as he was happy enough with his other doctor, but the new one....WE LOVE the new one! Let us know how it goes!
If he resists the idea that anythign could be wrong, could perhaps some of the blogs listed on this site directed toward a spouse who thinks nothing is wrong help?? Print out one or two?
different approach
Submitted by arwen on
Little1, I agree with what Aspen has said. I am not an expert either, but your SO's behavior is pretty clearly not normal. Whether he has ADD or not is another question. There is a whole spectrum of neuropsychiatric disorders, and only a neuropsychiatrist can provide a reasonably certain diagnosis.
My husband's ADD is different from some "flavors" in that he is not hyperactive and his ADD is hormonally connected -- he had problems as a child, "grew out" of it during puberty, then "grew back in" to it around age 40. (This pattern holds true for all the men in his extended family, who all have ADD.) As a result, my husband was not diagnosed until he was in his early 40's. While he was "growing back in", he could not see the changes in his behavior. I, on the other hand, was growing more and more concerned. His behaviors, particularly his memory problems, were becoming increasingly dangerous to our children, and although he had always been an excellent driver before, he began getting all kinds of tickets and getting into accidents.
I tried repeatedly to tell my husband that I thought something was going wrong and he needed to see a doctor, but he absolutely could not see what I was talking about. From his perspective, his memory problems were not a big deal, and all the driving problems were somebody else's fault. I think the fact that his dad had been hospitalized for several nervous breakdowns (now recognized as resulting from his ADD problems) was also a subconscious factor in his denial -- he didn't want to admit that he might be having the same kind of problem, it was too scary for him to contemplate. Although the individual reasons for denial may vary from one person with a neuropsychiatric disorder to another, the tendency towards denial is not at all unusual.
In my case, I finally reached a breaking point when my husband had a driving accident that could have seriously hurt or killed someone and could not see how he could possibly have caused it or even contributed to it. I felt that if he continued to drive, and he did end up killing somebody the next time, it would be my fault for not stopping him. When another attempt to talk about it went nowhere, I became desperate, so I took and hid his car keys (and mine, and all the spares), and told him that I would give them back if he would go with me to see a doctor about his behaviors -- he would get them back regardless of what the doctor said. He was furious (pretty understandably, this was a pretty confrontational act), but the fact that I would do somethat that drastic also made him realize that I was really upset and truly thought that something was wrong. We went to a counselor he had seen before and trusted, and he was shocked when the counselor told him that his behaviors were not normal and that he needed to see a neuropsychiatrist for evaluation. I gave him his keys back, and to his credit, he accepted what the counselor and (later) what the neuropsychiatrist told him.
My gut sense is that you would be better off by not saying to your SO that you think he has ADD -- with his rejection of "labelling", it could set up a knee-jerk rejection of your suggestion, and once denial sets in, it can be pretty hard to dislodge. I also don't recommend anything as confrontational as what I did, either, though! Direct confrontation can sometimes be useful as a sort of "bucket of ice water" to shock a person into a realization, but it's very risky too and can have some really bad outcomes -- in my opinion it should only be used as a last resort. That said, I think you do need to somehow communicate a very firmly made up mind about your conclusion that something is wrong and that he needs to be tested. Frankly, the most worrisome things to me would be the memory problems, and the fact that he has had a brain injury. Just on the basis of those two items, I think an evaluation is warranted.
You say
I'm worried that if my partner agrees to treatment to save our relationship, he will revert to type within a year and by that time I will be getting too old to have a first child. And will that child have similar issues? But the way he is now, I wouldnt trust him to look after a baby.
These are very valid concerns. Our daughter slipped in a relative's pool when she was little and was drowning while my husband was 15 feet away -- he was supposed to be there supervising our kids but he wasn't paying attention -- if I hadn't happened to look out a window and rushed out to rescue her, the results could have been tragic. (Fortunately, this experience shocked my husband into much much better supervision of our children's play activities ever afterwards.) And even though my husband did not revert -- he has been faithful about meds and counseling ever since his diagnosis -- there are other folks here whose ADD partners have reverted and who are now at their wits' end trying to deal with it.
You also ask whether you should go forward towards marriage or walk away. It seems to me that the key issue in this question revolves around trust. Right now, it sounds like you feel you cannot trust him, and there are no guarantees you will be able to trust him in the future. I'm not saying what you should do, but I do feel that unless you are prepared to be a single parent (including parenting a person who is functionally an adolescent but has adult legal rights, which is actually much harder than parenting little kids), contemplating marriage with your SO may be premature. It can take an incredible amount of physical stamina and emotional strength. As with so many things relating to ADD, I would suggest taking just one step at a time -- see how he reacts to your proposal for an evaluation and go from there.
Good luck!
Stamina and strength
Submitted by Clarity on
I so agree! I've been in a relationship for almost thirty years and Arwen is so right. "It can take an incredible amount of stamina and emotional strength." When I went into this marriage, we were not aware that there was such a thing as ADD and I assumed that he would learn, we would grow and build our lives together... it didn't happen. Things got worse. Stupid things. My ears started to bother him. I couldn't put my hair behind my ears anymore. It was a big deal. He became highly irritable about nothing. He spent money constantly and never had anything to show for it. For a long time he had me convinced that I was the problem.
Finally, after he saw a program on TV about ADD (Some guy was setting homes on fire and his doctor diagnosed him with ADD, what?) he said,"Hey! That's me!" (what?) and asked if I could help him find a doctor. He changed his mind after consulting with his family who helped him to realize I was the problem.
Years later, during a number of phone conversations with his sister who is probably ADD as well, I got so frustrated and told him to listen to themselves! Their communication was ridiculous! Think about what's going on here! Again, he asked me to help find a doctor and I wasted no time. He was quickly diagnosed with ADD and given medications. Thankfully, he thought his first pill produced miraculous results. He stopped taking the meds for a while, thinking he was good but, found out different. The doctor added another medication, tweaked dosages and it certainly has helped but he can't see the sense in going to counseling just to talk. There's no $$ to pay for that anyway.
He's easier to deal with now but, not the average relationship I would like. I can't trust him, he still gets irritable and combative about nothing, we can't have a normal conversation... I'm exhausted! Right now, I can't say it was worth the fight either.
But, that's my story. If you have a source for an endless supply of incredible physical stamina and emotional strength, proper medication and good counsel, I'd say, maybe it can work!
I don't have the strength to carry him through life
Submitted by Little1inLondon on
Arwen, Aspen & Clarity,
Thank you all so much for your replies. You are giving very sage advice on what to consider. This forum has really helped me this week while I think about how to deal with the relationship moving forward. I've spoken to friends about this website and ADD and they see certain behaviours about my partner which now all makes sense to them. I've not had one person tell me they think Im wrong with this. Every one of my friends thinks my partner is lovely and he's actually quite reserved and gentle. Take away all the ADD stuff and he's a fine man. But you are right, I have major trust issues with him as he is and he's no way near ready to start a family.
When I see him tomorrow I will tell him I've been looking into his vitamin D problems and memory problems (no point deflating him by saying anything else) and just lead him to take an ADD online questionnaire. The penny has dropped while Ive been typing this - he has been researching on the internet Vitamin D deficiency and effects of Omega 3 fish oils, so maybe he's searching for answers too. He must be.
In my heart I feel I don't have the strength to carry him through life without him being on meds, getting REBT counselling, and having his symptoms disappear. I want him to take a magic pill and ADD to all go away.
I know this website is for married people and I wonder how many of you would not have married your partners if there had been recognition of ADD before you tied the knot. I have to make a decision about walking away from this relationship and I feel so terribly terribly guilty. My heart loves him so much, but my head is saying run away you fool!. Every person has a right to decide who they want to spend the rest of their life with and chose the right person for them. If there was no such thing as an ADD label it would make it easier to walk away from someone who merely acts very odd.
I will help and support him towards seeing a doctor (if he's willing and admits there's something not quite right going on), but I think I have to put a time limit on that e.g 2 weeks. If he doesn't do it in 2 weeks then I know it will be a constant struggle for me to get him to do anything. Im running out of time to have children myself. I feel cold, heartless and weak and utterly heartbroken.
I have no idea if Im doing the right thing. My friends are supporting me whatever I decide to do, but I know that they really feel it would be best for me to finish the relationship, I can tell that they're almost biting their lip to hold back.
If I had known
Submitted by Clarity on
I would have moved on. As a matter of fact, as I was walking down the aisle, an inner voice screamed "Nooooo!!!". I was a bit startled and scurried along as I had never experienced that before. Then I went ahead and married him, praying to God to help me do the right thing. I love my kids and they have their own issues and I deal with a lot of regret. I've struggled with chronic stress, anxiety and now high blood pressure. I'm feeling really trapped as he's put us in a financial bind. At fifty now, it's hard to be hopeful as I can really only expect more of the same...
I did go in knowing ADD
Submitted by phoenixgirl78 on
My husband was diagnosed very early on. The problem is, there was really no follow-up. So it's only in the past two years that he's been learning the full extent of his illness.
That is: He knew the things were not "normal" but assumed it was from other sources. For example, he took a hearing exam and was diagnosed as 63% deaf in one ear and somewhat deaf in another. He's actually learned to read lips to a certain extent, and he'd have to nag me when I'd talk turned away from him. Later, we took him to Vocational Rehab, since we figured that would give him the best chance of getting an employer who'd go in with eyes open (he had another health problem too). After a more serious hearing test, it was discovered he had virtually no hearing loss at all. The tech said it was most likely due to his ADD.
He came home and wept. It's one of the only times, in fact, though he's hardly a stoic guy. He just doesn't weep very easily. He was frustrated and upset that so much had been ascribed to other causes rather than ADD -- mainly because his parents basically dropped the ball when it came to his ADD. He was diagnosed, the one med didn't work (this was back in the '80s, after all) and he had to go into Special Ed for a year to learn to hyperfocus enough to function in a normal classroom. He still did terribly in any subject he didn't actively care about. He ended up dropping out and getting his GED.
Anyway, that's a lot of backstory. Point is, I knew what he was like. I may have thought he'd grow out of certain things -- until we found out they were caused by ADD. But that's actually been a weird blessing. As initially terrifying and frustrating as it can be to learn just how severely a condition affects you, once you get past that, you feel a big burden taken off your shoulders. (The trick is to not let him blame the ADD, so much as just understand how it impacts him and find ways around it that you can both live with.)
Now that I better understand ADD -- which has mainly been this past year -- I don't get as angry when he leaves things sitting around. I've taken wet towels off the couch more times than I care to count, just in the past four months. I mention it to him, as something to work on, but when he apologizes I tell him it's not a huge deal. Just something I'd like him to try to remember in the future.
Meanwhile, he's not berating himself as much for failing to be normal. Which is to say, he now knows that it's not just a personal failing that he can't get started on a chore without specific instructions. He can now say what he needs to get started. And I can now understand why I have to, at least initially, hold his hand a bit.
So I can say that, while I didn't understand the full impact ADD had, I still willingly and happily married him. It's not always easy, but few marriages are, really. We love each other and he wants to find a way to function more comfortably in society. I don't think ADD should be an automatic "no" on the marriage scale.
That said...
Your guy is clearly self-medicating. Big time. It's not at all uncommon, though usually ADDers go for caffeine. (Tim had a -- I'm not joking -- 2 liter a day habit of Mt Dew when we met.) Or other stimulants. Tim had a pretty serious drinking habit for a year or two in his early 20s. Eventually he realized it was bad and quit. Now he drinks in moderation, if at all. But he is still, by and large, a would-be pothead. It calms his brain and helps him focus. Plus it helps his eczema, which is a pretty big deal.
Point being, your partner has been self-medicating for awhile, from the sound of it. So he's developed an emotional dependency on booze, almost certainly. Even if he gets help and meds for his ADD, that's going to be a long road to travel. And he has to be willing to give it up to begin with. Depending on how long he's been drinking, you will likely see some long-term effects from his excesses.
Also, while I don't know a lot of ADHDers, I feel like there are some warning flags going up in my mind over some of the symptoms. It could just be the fact that this condition takes a slightly different form for each person. But, honestly, I'd be shocked if there weren't a secondary illness -- or something that mimics ADD. My first thought would be manic depression. There's bipolar and bipolar II, so the classic bipolar symptoms aren't necessarily the ones to go by. After a decade of dealing with depression, I was only recently diagnosed as bipolar II and it's a somewhat unclear condition, so don't assume I'm an expert just because I have it.
Anyway, when Tim described his symptoms to a psychiatrist, the guy initially thought Tim had undiagnosed bipolar disorder that had been improperly called ADD. He went to another psychiatrist (the other one was a one-day visit for Vocational Rehabilitation) who said she thought it was just very severe ADD. But the weird sleep stuff you described with your guy is what makes me wonder. I know ADHDers can have trouble shutting off their brains. That has caused a lot of sleep problems for Tim. But waking you up in the middle of the night to talk to you? That's not one I've heard before. And it smacks of something a little more outside the ADD-realm to me. It sounds rather manic, really. You also said he either can't sit still at a restaurant (to the point of "disappearing") or actually falls asleep. Again, that seems like two very different extremes.
Bipolar is very hard. I have a more subtle form (due in part to chronic fatigue, which is part of what kept me from being diagnosed, I think, since I didn't stay up for days on end or survive on little to no sleep). But part of me is still fighting the diagnosis. The whole, "That can't be me. I'm not the kind of person who is bipolar." Which makes no sense, but that's how my mind works. That said, it's also been a big relief to find that some of my "flaws" are perfectly normal. I would wonder why I could do the lean budget thing as well as my mom. Not just the fatigue, which can keep me from some of the work-intensive activities that save money; but also the few days at a time when I'd just spend. I'd be doing my best to hold myself back, but I'd still break through my own defenses. I always just put it down to a lack of willpower. Same with getting a burst of energy and cleaning everything in sight (because it'd gone to hell when I was down and couldn't clean anything) but then being exhausted. I'm usually good at regulating my activities to not use up all my energy. But from time to time, I just fail at that. But these are perfectly normal things that will probably always be there. Now I'm figuring out how to better cope with them.
I guess my point is, he's going to freak out at first -- while also being indescribably grateful. It's a mix of gratitude, anxiety and anger. Oh, and denial. My suggestion would be for him to start taking the Omega oils. They're good for brain function anyway. Tim's memory was sharpened when he took it. But consider reading to him/having him read (Tim's ADD gives him trouble concentrating on type-only stuff, so I read to him or sometimes skim and read out important parts) Thom Hartmann's books. I love these because he posits that ADDers aren't damaged or broken. Just different. He puts it to the fact that most ADD traits would have been useful in hunter/gatherer settings. In fact, he looks at the traits most prized in the hunter/gatherer societies that exist today and they're pretty much ADD personified. (Being constantly aware of everything, for example, would be necessary while hunting: alerting you to potential prey and to anything that might want to make YOU its prey. But if you're in active pursuit or being chased by something, hyperfocusing would be a survival skill.) Check out: ADD: A Different Perception.But also work on getting him to a psychiatrist. And I would suggest going with him for an initial evaluation -- if the psychiatrist agrees -- because ADDers don't always see the ways they act. You do.
There's one more thing. I understand how wonderful a person with ADD/ADHD can be. It's not a deal-breaker. But right now, the person you describe is a HUGE mess. Alcoholic tendencies, can't admit his problems (at least to the point of getting diagnosed, if not actually treated), can't really empathize with you and doesn't show a lot of willingness to change("it's only glass" "it's only marble" "you have to do the cleaning because of the way I am"). You didn't mention if he has a job, but my guess is that, if he has one, it's temporary at best and there are periods of unemployment. There are a few more items but this post is far too long already...
My point is: Maybe you should ask yourself why you are inclined to marry someone who is so clearly in a world of hurt. Why you picked someone who won't be able to help you as much as you need/want. I picked Tim because I love him, but my I also have a tendency to look for someone who needs my help, hoping that once I prop him up, he can take care of me. Not terribly healthy, but I think, in this case, I still managed to choose well. Then again, Tim wasn't drinking to excess, held down a job until his eczema (not ADD) caused him to lose it, and he wants to find a balance that will make both of us happy, not just "This is the way I am. Deal with it."(I've been in that sort of relationship too. Ended with my getting a restraining order after I kicked him out and he threatened to burn down my house and, later, to say about his metal synthesizer stand, "Should I beat you down with this now or later?" In other words: I can speak from experience about choosing damaged people.)
I would suggest that you find a counselor of some sort and figure out why you need to find someone with "potential" rather than finding someone who is already at the emotional point you want/need for a good future. If you're not sure you can have kids with this man, why are you still thinking you want to marry him? (Given that you're obviously pretty sure you want kids.)
I definitely do it all over again!
Submitted by Aspen on
Please understand though that I am dealing with a pretty great ADD guy, whereas some of the ladies here are dealing with jerks who possibly just happen to have ADD.
We were married about 5-5.5 years when we got the diagnosis (we're 8 years in now), and my husband explained the stages of our marriage this way to the doctor who diagnosed him: There was the "Marriage is the greatest!" phase, followed by "Marriage is great, but to make our goals happen we need to be tweaking____" followed by "Umm why aren't these changes we've both agreed to being made" and then the phase that caused him to take action he described as "WHY IN THE HECK AREN"T THESE CHANGES BEING MADE?!?!?!" Pretty accurate with most of the yelling done by me and myriads of excuses and "I meant to do its" and "I'm sorrys" from him. I couldn't understand the lack of follow-through....I'd never experienced anything like it in my life :)
He is the one that figured out it was an actual problem...he kept suggesting that to me in a way that sounded like an excuse whenever he didn't do what he said he would or MUCH worse--told me that he did do what he said he would and then I would catch him rushing to do it afterwards. Since I absolutely will not abide lying, this was the cause of our worst fights. In the beginning when he suggested there might be an actual issue causing him to be unable to follow-through on his commitments, I was sympathetic and we discussed options together, but my sympathy lessened to practically disappeared as he never took any action to find out if he was right or not. Most of the time was smooth sailing, then a big screwup would cause an angry discussion of all the screwups, he would resolve to change/go to a doctor/do better, things would go smoothly again until the next screwup--lather, rinse, repeat until I finally told him if he was so sure he had a problem then he needed TO DO SOMETHING about it before I lost all respect for him forever. I honestly see ADD as a disease of inaction as much as inattention or disorganization. He'll talk about a subject for hours and days, but making a decision and doing it? We could die of old age before it happens at times!
He finally couldn't take my unhappiness with him, did the research, took the tests, read the books (well I read them and he read certain chapters of them), and then we went to the doctor together armed with questionaires and a comprehensive history. It was a pretty easy diagnosis and we were both relieved to find out he had a hardwiring issues cause otherwise neither of us liked what his behavior said about him. The most frustrating time for us was actually the next year. It took him about that long to really accept (though we talked about it, read about it, the doctor explained it, etc etc) that only taking meds and half-hearted attempts at organizing himself were never going to get the job done. Since that point had been made to him in every way a point could be made and it was only his belief based on nothing that he didn't have to do more, I had little patience with this stage. I allowed for a mourning period (but not a YEAR), and then I was ready to get this show on the road!! I learned you cannot do that by yourself and he was absolutely unwilling to get the show on the road in anything but words. We felt our way through this stage by trial and error....learning ways that worked for motivation and ways that caused him to sit paralyzed in a room for hours unable to get started.
We both lost (and still lose) patience with the process at times, but I think we've got a good system worked out between meds tweaking, new doctor, new coach, and right now there is online coaching in the mix until he gets a little deeper with his face to face coach. Our relationship is stronger than ever and the important things get done. I've had a full and open trash bag sitting on my kitchen floor for 2 days now, but he promises he's gonna take care of it and I'm doing my best to trust that he will without me nagging him.
I am easily more in love with him than the day I married him. He still frustrates me at times and vice versa, but no more than busy married people without a diagnosis. But I married an AWESOME person who also has ADD, only you can decide if that is the situation you are in. ADD at times will definitely bring out the worst in both of you, but it's what's underneath that, how much you genuinely LIKE the qualities of the other person, and your commitment to eachother that will dictate how you each handle those times.
I wouldn't do it with an untreated ADD partner for any reason in the world. The simplest things become alternately baffling, infuriating, & demoralizing, and no one can tell you why...least of all the person that you are married to (pre-diagnosis of course). Everyone loves them and thinks they're the greatest, and you"re left feeling like the crap is specially reserved for you. I only dealt with that feeling for a fairly short period of time, but I'll never forget how much it sucks.
BEST WISHES TO YOU IN THIS BIG DECISION!!