Both the ADHD and the non-ADHD parter.
My ADHD partner "tries" but if only I was less angry/more loving/more caring/ more empathetic etc... then he would come to bed/contribute more/let go of his video game addiction and spending addiction. He only reacts to my anger and to my negative reinforcement.
I can no longer take the verbal abuse/criticism/blame/majority of workload/financial burden. Which he denies (except for the financial burden part since he is unemployed but that does not stop his overspending. It's not his fault, he can't control it) and just blames me further (it's all me) followed by denial of saying that as well (I don't listen to him, if only I listened to him) followed by him justifying his behavior by him no longer accepting the negative reinforcement from me and by all the wrongs I do to him, followed by further denial of saying any of that (except for the negative reinforcement part. If only I was positive and loving to him) and then further blaming me. Followed by him saying he's useless usually followed by him going to bed and/or playing more video games unless it's the evening and then he doesn't go to bed and spends the night on the couch watching TV and playing video games.
If I walk away from an argument telling him I need space, he follows me around to continue and to explain himself - he only reacts to my anger. Why am I so angry? If only I listened to him. If only I was less angry, more empathetic and more loving to him.
If I interrupt him, I am disrespectful. If I just listen and don't interrupt, he is speaking to himself as I am not listening because I don't give a sh*t. If I ask him about that contradiction he responds that it's how he feels. He can't help it.
I am going absolutely crazy. Spent dinner crying at the table last night. I am so mentally drained. This has been going on for years and only getting increasingly worse.
You came to the right place-
Submitted by dvance on
You came to the right place--everyone here understands. I too cannot win. No matter what I do in my house it's not right. After 20 years, I am so beaten down my only desire is to be alone. I have to suck it up for three more years until the youngest one is out of high school but I can tell you it takes a toll. If I ask questions I am interrogating him, if I don't ask, then I don't care. Whatever it is--you will never get it right. It's like trying to herd cats. Stop trying. If you can leave, leave. If you can break up, do it. It will only get worse and cost you more emotionally.
I agree with dvance
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I couldn't get it right either, with a husband who stays in denial of how much his ADHD affects both of us. It wore me out physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I ended up leaving after 3 decades, even though I have no means to do so. It cAme down to my survival.......literally.
Exact same
Submitted by Julia on
"f I ask questions I am interrogating him, if I don't ask, then I don't care. Whatever it is--you will never get it right."
Yep. Exact same.
Plus mine doesn't have an opinion unless I have one first then he has a different one. Me: What do you want for dinner? Him: I have no preference. Me: ok. I will make spaghetti. Him: Why not burgers? Me: Ok. burgers then. Him: No, spaghetti's good. Wait. Maybe pizza?
He also can't make decisions, so I have to but then I get blames if something doesn't go as planned because he never agreed to it.
Seems trivial when in isolation but when it's day in and day out and your're trying to manage a household it really gets exhausting. His idea of helping is giving me suggestions on what to do differently.
Oh my gosh--the opinion thing
Submitted by dvance on
Absolutely
Submitted by Julia on
Decisions have to be made and things have to get done. I would not mind so much making more decisions myself if he can't decide if it wasn't for the fact that it will usually result either in an argument (why this way and not that?) or backfire altogether (I never agreed to that so it's your fault it went wrong).
I do text to get answers in writing and do pull it up at times when I get really fed up but it only results in either 1. he gets angry that I try to prove him wrong and doesn't even want to look at the texts 2. Him going into semantics by analysing every word of my text to try and prove himself right based on what he supposedly understood from it (if you had said it this way or used these words etc...) or 3. He will mumble something and tell me to let it go already.
I have gotten into our car,
Submitted by lisa84 on
I have gotten into our car, and taken a picture of the dashboard with my phone, so that when I got asked, "OMG, where did you drive?! The tank was full and now it's empty!" for the millionth time, I could whip out my phone and show him that, no, the tank was not indeed full. Thankfully, I don't have to do that anymore, but it made me feel like a crazy person.
The answer is, I don't do it.
Submitted by lisa84 on
The answer is, I don't do it. Not anymore. I have been a SAHM for 5 years, no job at all. I have 4 kids and have no choice but to continue homeschooling them because of learning disabilities. My youngest is only 8 months old. This is the worst position to be in as a single mom. Yet I feel nothing but relief, as I build a resume, search for work from home jobs, register for college classes, and continue on with the child care, home care and homeschooling. For so long, leaving seemed too scary, but the day finally came where the tables turned and I suddenly couldn't get away fast enough. How sad that staying married, would become more frightening than being a single, jobless mother of 4. There is no going back and I wouldn't, even if I could. Every day is further confirmation that I'm making the right choice. I will literally do everything it takes to regain some of my sanity, find myself again, provide a better example for my kids and get them the help they need. I literally feel like I'm running for my life. I only wish fear hadn't crippled and blinded me until now.
"ADHD partner "tries" but if
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
"ADHD partner "tries" but if only I was less angry/more loving/more caring/ more empathetic etc... then he would come to bed/contribute more/let go of his video game addiction and spending addiction. He only reacts to my anger and to my negative reinforcement."
Is that what he's saying? Is he saying that if you didn't nag, weren't angry, weren't annoyed, etc, then he would behave better?
If so, then we know that's a cop-out. But, until you prove him wrong, he'll continue to say these things.
Try this.... Tomorrow say, "ok...you say that you'll do X, Y, Z if I don't nag, if I'm nicer, and so forth. Today is June 8th, we'll mark it on the calendar. I'm turning over a new leaf. I'll be complimentary and nice. What will those changes mean for your behavior?" Then let him name those improvements (going to bed, contribute more, less gaming (have him give a limit). You might add in a chore or two and get his commitment that he'll do those chores since you won't be nagging, etc. Then say something like, "On June 11th, we'll check back on progress."
Then do your part, even if it means biting your lip, or distracting yourself. Keep a journal of what he does...time he comes to bed, times he'd playing video games, etc. Then when you later discuss, first get him to confirm that you've been good. Then review his unchanged behaviors. If he comes up with excuses, say something like, "ok, let's give this a few more days. I'll continue to be good, and we'll check back on June 15th. ".
Soon it will be apparent to you and him that he's full of BS and that he's been using your reactions as a phony excuse for his behaviors.
I know someone who went thru something similar but it was the ADHD stay at home wife. She never cleaned, she spent all of her time on the phone or shopping or book clubs or women's clubs or whatevs. When her husband would complain, she'd say that his complaints and the children's needs were preventing her from getting any chores done. When her children went away to college, she insisted to her husband that NOW she'd have a clean home. Nope! It's been 8 years and still a huge mess.