Submitted by Jenna on 11/12/2014.
I've found comfort in these forums but am also realizing the journey I'm on with my husband may be a hopeless cause. Do things change for couples? I went to his doctor with him a month ago. After crying to her that he didn't want to lose his marriage (after 3 affairs, $100k+ racked up in debt, huge tax problems, etc I am so ready to give up) she told him about this site, the books he could read - or even better, listen to on audio - as well other ideas. In the 4 weeks since that appointment he's done nothing. He asked for my old iphone to listen to music, goes online to watch soccer but will do nothing to help himself or our marriage. Is there anyone thinking of leaving or who has left and is doing ok? I'm actually pretty shaky now.
Hi Jenna:)
Submitted by c ur self on
No one can tell you how much to forgive or how much you should forgive...My wife and I have been through a lot, but, as far as I know, and believe, there has been no adultery going on. We all are different, so acceptance is a must...I also think based on my life, and how God changed me, things can change for couples, but it takes us changing. There was no recognizable long term changes until we spent 11 months separated and 10 months in counseling....I was a huge enabler, who was bitter, and had a chip on my shoulder until I spent 11 months away from her....
We have such different philosophies when it come's to being good stewards of our blessings, like managing finances and other things. It's just the wise thing for me to not share accounts with her. I got married to her after my first wife passed away, so it was easy and difficult...Easy to recognize I couldn't share with her in many things I could with my first wife, such as accounts etc...But, difficult in coming to accept her life style which still blows my mind at times, but, not as much since i understand more about the distractions she faces on a daily bases...So now when she's laying in bed, hitting snooze for two hours...I hardly notice:)
It is so hard for a person to stop enabling, stop focusing on negative behaviors, while living in the same house, or at least it was for us...
I think if my wife had an affair, i would move on...but, who know's? only God...I wish you the very best....
Moving on?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
For many, having an affair is not the end of a relationship, though it is the end of trusting your partner in the (perhaps) naive way that you used to.
That said, the biggest issue for Jenna is her partner's denial that ADHD is an issue. Unless I'm missing something in her post he's not doing much to address his many issues. I like to say that it is not ADHD that causes divorce, but denial. Because if your partner continues to deny that there is a problem, and continues to not take full responsibility for making changes then your life simply does not change. If you don't like it, too bad. Without your partner's participation it will only stay the same or (more likely) get worse as you become more and more desperate.
At some point it becomes obvious that this denial is never going to end and that the situation is hopeless. That is the time when partners tend to decide to leave.
I so appreciate the insight
Submitted by Jenna on
I so appreciate the insight from this community. The info is most helpful as if not feeling so alone in this any more.
From the other side
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
Jenna in my view the affairs (certainly most serious here) are more than likely more symptomatic of untreated ADHD than evidence of a character flaw or general a-hole-ness. So I guess I am agreeing w the expert, Melissa. My own affair was motivated simply by the disconnect created by the whole adhd-response dynamic. (This was before my diagnosis). There was no intimacy and no clear reason why, so this can happen out of pure frustration, usually exacerbated by a lot of unjustified blame-shifting. That was me. This is not to offer an excuse - only to say that if he were like most good hearted men w/o this disorder your troubles would likely be very different. I hope he can get some clarity on what his ADHD is doing to him and you. Then maybe he can see his way toward repairing the hurt. In any case it won't be easy. I had only one affair (ok maybe 1 1/2) and here I am like 7 years later clean as can be trying to regain my wife's trust. You better see a lot of really good qualities buried inside him to forbear what is to come - I wish you the best.
I agree. After years and
Submitted by Strangebird on
I agree. After years and years of turmoil I stumbled upon this information, and my husband and I were elated that we'd found the answer to our prayers! We thought we'd finally bring order out of the chaos, because we believed (and I still believe) that we are soul mates. Unfortunately he is lazy. Medicating was easy, and he really sees the benefits of the meds. But reading, and actually making changes, was too much of a committment. He acknowledged the diagnosis, went to therapy and medicated. but when pushed to actually make changes and do something about it, he cut me out of therapy and we've separated. He's now convinced himself that 23 years of marriage was a mistake, he's not in therapy, not medicating, not even seeing his family doc for thyroid medication. He's recreated the house he lived in prior to meeting me and eliminated 23 years of marriage, which is horrible for our 11 & 12 year old sons. I'm pretty angry. I came on here tonight searching to see if ADD spouses ever turn back after leaving. Although it's not really a denial, it's a refusal to properly treat the issues. And the situation appears hopeless.
Before learning about ADHD, I
Submitted by Endeavour on
Before learning about ADHD, I got to leaving point twice. On both occasions my husband suddenly managed to find the energy/motivation/know-how to engage in the reality of the situation. Now I know about ADHD, I realise that he couldn't do anything beforehand because he didn't believe that anything would change our situation, It was only the thought of me leaving him and realising how bad his life would then be, that enabled him to do some of the things I had suggested, even though he didn't believe they would work. I am not suggesting you threaten your husband with leaving just to see if the same works for you, and I don't want to give you false hope that he will miraculously change if you tell him you are leaving. BUT, don't rule out the fact that changes might happen if your husband becomes desperate enough. The fact that I was in this position twice should tell you that this is not billed as an instant solution, but we are still together after another 10 years of ups and downs.
not always greener
Submitted by lolli on
Sorry but I've been cheated on by every boyfriend and my ex husband and my current ADHD partner and they never got help even though i suggested the same ideas as you. Mine never committed to reading let alone counseling etc. they think the problem will magically disappear. I left my husband for this guy who has ADHD. Tell you what, the grass is NOT greener on the other side!! I have two kids, when i left my aspergers husband my kids were 3 and 5 yrs old. Then this ADHD guy swooped me off my feet and things went down hill (refer to my latest post on what happened when i left my husband). I went from one nut case to the next. But if he's racking up that much debt, are you better off alone?? I'm in poverty, my partner does not help me financially and because he's my partner i get no help from other agencies as they believe he as the 'man' in the relationship should be supporting us........when really hes a teenage boy in a mans suit. Leaving husband can create a whole range of different hardship, but if you can support yourself independently without debt and a cheating husband then just do it. But remember, grass is not always greener on the other side!