I'm sorry for the length of this post, but I have 25 yrs of marriage to cover. I have ADHD, diagnosed for ten yrs and take meds that help tremendously. My wife and I recently came to the end of our marriage and have now decided to reconcile instead of getting a divorce. We love each other very much and its the only thing holding us together. For several years, I made the typical ADHD mistakes of moving us around for something better and it took a toll. We moved 14 times in 11 years. I have always worked hard (not smart) to provide a nice lifestyle for my family. I have come to realize that this has caused more damage than good and that in hindsight, I was giving to my family to stroke my own ego vs. what was best for them. About 15 yrs ago, I started a business that required me to travel. Sometimes I was gone all week, for the majority of the time, I would estimate 2-3 times per week. This left my wife at home a lot with 2 girls to raise. One of which is ADHD like me. Both girls are grown, one in college. My wife and I were married right out of high school and never had support. At one point, we were on Medicaid and food stamps to get through college. My wife came from an abusive home where things that I hear about, I cant even fathom. I am from a divorced home, had a great childhood because of nearby grandparents that loved unconditionally. Father was bullying and angry, mother was disconnected and worked a lot. I have recently come to the realization that I should have worked harder to really understand my wife's needs. She has many times in the past, told me how the travelling has effected her. However, when we sat down to discuss it, the realization that if I were to do something else, there would be many nights that I would not be home and it would mean that she would need to take a job. We are both Nurses and would need to work nights or 12 hr shifts. I point this out because I remember these conversations. But now my wife, doesnt take any culpability in coming to this conclusion and believes that I was just some overbearing ogre that said how it was going to be and that was that. I try to see it this way and end up remembering conversations that we had where my wife discussed the positives of decisions only to now learn it was not something that she ever wanted. This is truly driving me crazy. I am second guessing my memory and I dont trust myself to make any decisions. My wife has had several bouts of depression that has lasted as long as 2 yrs at a time. She has always worked hard at being there for our daughters, but the marriage was totally disconnected. Counseling, doctors, and medical bills began to pile up. There were several years where I did have to make all of the decisions with no help, at times, doing what I thought was best for the kids. At one point my wife tried to committ suicide where I found her, induced vomiting and resucitated her until the ambulance came. This was very traumatic. Most of the counseling in the beginning dealt more with the abuse that she grew up with. Then it moved to her unhappy current life and our marriage. I realized several years ago that it was important for me to be in counseling with her and scheduled all appointments and made sure I was there for most of them. My wife has a different recollection of this, and can bring up 1-2 times where I was not there vs. the numerous times I was. In addition, she developed neck and back problems and ultimately had 2 spinal surgeries with several yrs of chronic pain. She has recently gotten better with the last surgery, but in order to cope with all of this, I made poor decisions for myself (overeating to the point that I was hoping I would just have a heart attack and the use of porn for sexual gratification when there was nothing in the marriage) Im not proud of the choices I made. I recognize now that I should have sought help from someone that cared like family or friends. I tried to keep my wifes depression and mine a secret. I try not to bring these things up to my wife because one, I made my wrong decisions, I own them. Two, i dont want to make her feel bad for things that were not in her control. However, recently she has blamed me for the depression and the physical ailments that she has had. Worse, I recently read studies that proved spouses frequently are the cause of depression. This was an overwhelming crushing blow to realize that my actions when I thought I was doing my best, were the cause of my wifes years of misery. I love her, but very often think that she would be better without me. I am doing many things to change. No more porn which has not really proven to be that difficult for me. I am increasing my connection to God by reading and praying. My wife and I will be looking for a church in hopes to find one where fellowship and counsel can be obtained. I am beginning an exercise plan that includes better nutrition. I know that I have to prove myself for quite some time, but it is difficult when so many comparisons of past mistakes keep being brought up. For example, I needed an item from an electronic store that I recently left in a rental car. I have been very good over the last 5-10 yrs about not leaving or forgetting my stuff when I travel. But this particular trip, was difficult because my wife had asked me to leave, fighting, etc. so I left this item in the rental car. Today I stopped at the electronic store and replaced it. I was thinking after I bought it that this is what my wife is talking about. Making decisions and not including her. I considered returning the item and not telling her for fear of the blowback. Then I thought, no thats dishonest and I need the item for business. So I decided to be honest. I listened to an excellent podcast on the way home that talked about loving your wife as Christ loved the church and I wanted to share this with her also. I am trying to include her on my thoughts and learning more because she says she that I dont do this. So when I get home, I share all of this with her and let her know that I bought the item and I was sorry that it didn't occur to me until after that this was something that should have been discussed as partners and that I would take the item back and possibly buy at another time when it was better. She became upset and reminded me of a time when I was 21 when I bought a golf club that I shouldn't. I felt defeated. I didnt expect a reward. At the same time there was a part of me that felt angry. I am 43, not 21. This was something needed for work and it is not an item that is that expensive (160) in addition its needed for business. I didnt say anything, but it just makes me feel that Im not going to have the energy to make all of these changes when Im paying for things over and over agin from 20yrs ago. Any advice would help. Thank you
How do you move toward the future when so many mistakes in the past have been made?
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 01/04/2015.
Focus on what you love
Submitted by jennalemone on
I read your entry and see no one has responded. I will respond because I could be your wife (without the bad childhood or suicidal depression - so far). If you are looking for self awareness...read on.
You say "I am trying to include her on my thoughts and learning more because she says she that I don't do this." This is the CORE sentence for you.
A committed man and wife (or any couple be it daily business partners or best friends or even the business itself even) don't have to TRY to keep the ones they care about in their thoughts. By definition, the things you love ARE in your mind and you naturally spend your efforts, thoughts and time with those things so that they may thrive and have wellness....like a well tended growing flower....if you CARE for it....you just do pay attention to it when it is wilting and ... you water it. You are happy to give it what it needs to survive. I was once a pretty flower.
You are just not into your wife. My husband is just not that into me. When I asked dh what he believes is LOVE, he told me that if something gives you pleasure, that's what you love. There are hundreds of things he LOVES more than me. Beer, puzzles, TV, tobacco, his idea of himself as a jokey humorist, his ego, what is in his pants, his looks, the garbage.....I could go on and on. He tends to these things with the focus of a surgeon....as though his life depended on it....he cannot be disturbed while SORTING the garbage. He cannot be disturbed while listening to the radio.
He does not GET that LOVE IS ATTENTION and active CARE. If you love the flowering plant while it is pretty and gives you pleasure, then discard it when it does not please you any more, it means you are not that into plants or caring for them. They are just a passing fancy. If you LOVE plants and consider yourself committed to a lovely garden, you FOCUS ON WHAT YOU LOVE.
You are not a good flower-tender (lover) if you can't NOTICE when something is dying and hurting until it is dead...then trash it.
The PROOF of loving is the LONG TERM focus you GIVE something. It seems that many ADDers do not realize they loved us until we are gone and cannot serve them anymore. Believe me. After years of being ignored and uncared for....we are a little sick and wilted. And we have stopped focusing on you and cannot care for YOU any longer.
It seems like many ADDers want us spouses to take care of ourselves AND to take care of them. But after 40 years of successfully doing that, I have now been called by my counselor "over functioning" and an "enabler" and "co-dependent" and dh said to me...."What have you EVER done for me?"
My advice for your wife: "Don't give your life away for someone who does not care for you."
To Txnbyga1972
Submitted by jennalemone on
What should/could your wife have done differently in your marriage so that your lives together would have been better. For the sake of those younger than us, what should she have done rather than to join you in moving 14 times in 11 years for your various job changes?
:)
Submitted by jennalemone on
:)
I wasn't there, but...
Submitted by AlmaVera on
I can think of a few possible explanations for some of the things you've written about. If you have read other posts on here, you will often find spouses of partners with ADHD who are very frustrated with the ADHD spouse's memory issues. In some cases, they have taken to recording their spouses, and STILL the spouses with ADHD will insist that their recollection is correct. And from what I have read here (and experienced myself) when this happened, the recollection always makes the person with ADHD (or stronger symptoms, as the case may be) the one who is generous, kind, positive, and most importantly, right. And being presented with recordings or emails or text transcripts will not change their minds. So, there may be a very real reason you shouldn't automatically trust your memories. It's part of what makes ADHD...well, ADHD.
And also, even while a discussion is still going on, the person with ADHD will often argue and argue and push and push his or her point of view until the other spouse gives in, knowing their opinion or facts or feelings make no difference to the partner pressing his or her case. So, even if your memory is accurate in regards to your wife agreeing with your job schedule, it doesn't mean it was really what she wanted. It is possible that she may have felt she had no choice. Again, I wasn't there, but just offering a possible explanation from the field, so to speak.
I'm not saying your wife is blameless in your relationship by any means. She obviously brought a lot of mental health issues with her into your marriage, due to her childhood. Chances are good that they left her with a number of ineffective coping skills when she started her own family. But...it takes a lot for someone to attempt suicide. Especially someone who is a parent. What I'm saying is....things was BAD for her. When I read your post, you talk about her depression and her childhood, but ... I don't know if this will make sense...it's coming from your brain, not your heart. When you talk about wanting to make things better, it's like ticking items off a 'to-do' list. I'm sure she feels that, too, and may have for years. You relate a lot of the things that happened to her in her life like years of chronic pain, or things that you got into like porn, without noting anywhere how those things might have just built up and up and up over the years. You admit you made poor choices, and that's to be commended, but that doesn't erase the effects of those choices. No, you don't want to be constantly reminded of things you did wrong 20 years ago, but please understand that the partners without those strong ADHD symptoms can't forget, and over time, it becomes an ever-growing mountain of pain, hurt, anger, and resentment. It doesn't go away overnight, either. We have come to see patterns develop over the years that our partners are unaware of, and won't acknowledge when we tell them. Trust doesn't come back quickly. It needs to be earned over time, through repeated trustworthy actions.
And jennalemone, I wish there was a 'Like' button on your post. I'd click it until it broke.
Thank you both for your
Submitted by Txnbyga1972 (not verified) on
Thank you both for your replies. I was really hoping to have some advice on how to move forward in a positive direction, but it seems that may be impossible. I guess I've earned what I deserve. My point was not that my wife should forget about the things of the past. No one ever forgets, but you can forgive. Some time forgiveness is a day to day, hour to hour action that means that you change your focus from the things that hurt you to the positive things that help you. We are all human. Wether you are ADD or not. There are elements of your personality that are negative and hurtful. To offer judgement on the negative is hypocritical for any human. When we all have those things about us that we wish we could change. Maybe this is impossible to do for someone with ADHD. To the question about moving, i dont know. We were married young and it was about survival. At one point we were on food stamps and welfare to get through school with a young child. Every move wasn't about something I wanted other than a better life for my family. The moves stopped as we got older and more established. Weve lived in the same house now for 11 yrs. What could my wife have done? Impossible to say at this point. I have no confidence in my memory and what does it even matter?
be willing to look without judgment
Submitted by lulu18 on
sometimes what is required is to look at the present and the past without judgment or blame- just listen to someone else's version of it and consider for even a moment that your version of the "truth" may be innaccurate. Not wrong- just inaccurate. Years ago when we were first married, I overheard a conversation between my husband and his ex-wife where she said "Go ahead and do what you want- you always do anyway." Many years later, I found myself saying those exact words over and over to him. His version/view of events can be very skewed, and only after the fact does he realize he refused to listen to anybody- and he was very inaccurate in his perceptions, but others saw exactly what was going on. The insight that can come with " maybe my wife experienced me very differently than I ever thought" can be overwhelming, but can lead to great change. At least I have seen it in others-my husband cannot sustain the insight and act on it. His insight fades quickly and he continues to repeat the same behavior and expect different results. I hope and pray for healthy changes for you and your wife.
You still can move forward
Submitted by AlmaVera on
But it will take a while -- and I know that's especially hard when someone has ADHD. It's hard to keep doing something when you don't see results. One of the biggest things Melissa and other people who try to help couples with ADHD partners reinforce is: You can't control your partner. You can only control yourself. And that goes for both partners. You are correct in that we are all humans, and we are all imperfect. But sometimes when we make poor choices, the consequences are tough. We want to just say, "Hey, I didn't mean that!" or "Hey, I'm doing better now - doesn't that count?" Yes, it does, but it doesn't erase the reality of what happened. I've read so many things on ADHD lately, so I'm not sure who to attribute this to (and I'm paraphrasing on top of it), but one writer said something that stuck with me: Intention does not undo impact. Meaning, even if your intentions were good (to you), it doesn't mean the impact wasn't still difficult for those around you. This is also true for everyone, with or without ADHD.
Nobody likes to screw up. Nobody (healthy) likes to hurt people who love them. Especially when it comes from something you didn't understand at the time, like your ADHD in this instance. I would say that your wife probably also didn't (and maybe still doesn't) understand how her emotional issues from her upbringing were (are) affecting her. When we find out that we screwed up something really badly, we have a tendency to want to rush through the natural 'just desserts' phase and get right to the "can't we just start moving forward?" phase. As you said, forgiveness is an hour by hour thing sometimes. And I think the amount of time allowed for that is both a pledge towards a better future, and an acknowledgement and validation of the person who has been wounded. We cannot tell someone how long it 'should' take for them to forgive us. We didn't experience things the way they did. And we can't expect it at all - forgiveness is a gift. It's a time to see how much love and humility we possess (and this is the hard part, I know) whether that other person responds to us the way we want them to, or not. If the other person does forgive, will we accept it with humility and gratitude, or with an attitude of "Well, finally! It's about time!"
I sense a lot of frustration and some anger in your writing. I can understand where it comes from. But I read in your original post that you are a religious person. To finish the quote you started about loving your wife as Christ loved the Church -- he is willing to go so far as to lay down his life for her. I think that also refers to a spiritual sense, as someone who not only provides materially, but who provides spiritual shelter, too, and loves with compassion and kindness.
I think there is every reason to believe you can move forward if you keep working on yourself, and be there for your wife with love, encouragement, and compassion. As I said, you can only control you. When things are brought up from before, take a deep breath, remember that her hurt is legitimate, and that you are different now. React differently. Be humble and calm. Acknowledge her anger, and remind her you want to do things differently now. Keep her focusing toward the 'now' with your different way of handling things. It will take a while for her to break the expectations of things being the way they've been. It won't be easy, but don't give up hope! It will definitely fail if you quit trying, you know that. Perhaps reaching out to a couples counselor with experience in adult ADHD will help both of you.