Submitted by VaPA on 12/17/2016.
the anger, frustration, resentment, exhaustion, anxiety is growing in me
i have to tell my husband how i feel and how the adhd affects me and the marriage
but he is short tempered, overly emotional, and always flip it to make it about me
also, it's so sad and i dont want to hurt him but i just cant take it anymore
i cant see myself being married like this forever
i love him, i love him deeply... but that isnt enough
my needs in this marriage are not being met
i am growing more and more anxious and angry by the day
any suggestions on how to speak to your spouse about this?
The only success I have had ...
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
involves keeping it short, direct, and in the moment when something has just happened. And I don't usually point it out unless it has directly affected me, right now, in this moment, so it is concrete. And I swallowed my complaints for many months and worked hard on myself and being a kind and forgiving spouse.
My husband could see that work, that I had been doing, and was more receptive. If my " sentence of enlightenment" ever extended beyond that sentence, or if I flooded, or if I yelled, boom, done, conversation over, learning moment lost. His defenses went up, and he could turn it all back to me.
No matter what he said in response to that one sentence, I didn't react. Positively or negatively, just left him with it, so his brain would have to do some work.
In order to do this, I really had to let four things go. I had to let go of the things that bothered me deeply but hadn't been solved in four years of trying. It isn't like I am condoning those things, just letting him face the consequences of those four things on his life. And removing myself from those things by going to do something creative, healing, or fun in my own life when he bumps up against those things.
And I try really hard to see the positive things he is doing, so that my anger and disappointment don't color everything.
Seriously, the times that we have mad the most progress have been after I have spent two weeks working on my own happiness, regardless of what is going on in his life.
Good luck, and I hope you find some happiness and peace in the days ahead.
Neither can I and it's killing me.
Submitted by feelingletdown on
It's Christmas morning and I stayed in bed late simply because I have nothing to be excited about.
My ADHD hubby loves me to bits, but CAN NOT for the life of him get a decent job; which makes me actually HATE him. I know he's 'disabled' in a way and I've tried so hard to cope with that, but he refuses to take any medication because he doesn't think he has a problem. In the meantime we've been going broke year after year, and all he can say to me is that he loves me and he's trying. Trying. It may be disrespectful, but after 16 + years if somebody can't get a job then trying isn't doing the trick, is it?
I actually put IN HIS CHRISTMAS CARD how disappointed I am in him and that if things do not change ASAP then we have no future together. Crazy, right? But I have to respect myself and my needs enough to know that being married to a "sponge" isn't making me happy. Even if he loves me and is the last person on this planet to even care whether I live or die; I can't respect that he's incapable of finding a job. I hate myself for this, but living with somebody who had NO CLUE how to get money when we need it is driving me nuts. We're now down to a few hundred dollars in our bank account and all he can say to me is what he's been saying from the beginning: He's trying. I'm the bad guy here, but I can't live like this any more.
You can't save him.
Submitted by Mayo on
feelingletdown, you are not the bad guy! I cannot tell you how many times in the last 10+ years of my 26-year marriage I told my ex that if things did not change ASAP, we had no future. He would agree to try harder, tell me that he loved me and then, having placated me, continue his life as usual. I stayed because I loved him, took my marriage vows seriously and hoped that if I worked hard enough we'd somehow make it. Over the years, when I'd ask him to work with me on a budget because we had more money going out than coming in, he'd tell me he'd just have to get another job and walk away. When he lost jobs it would take months for him to find another. He lost one when I was 2 months pregnant and didn't get another until two weeks before I was due to deliver. My sister lent me money to pay for insurance long enough to deliver the baby. It didn't bother him in the least! After that experience, I always made sure that my job included insurance because I couldn't depend on him to provide it. For a while I worked a second job to make ends meet but couldn't keep it up because I have fibromyalgia and couldn't risk losing my full-time position. His whole plan for retirement was that we'd live on social security and my little state pension; a plan that meant I would never be able to retire! He never paid a bill or concerned himself with how we survived, but resented me when he wanted money for new cowboy boots or to go to the annual science fiction conventions and I didn't make sure there was enough money in the "kitty" for him. He was in a service industry and did side jobs, for which he was paid under the table. Yet it never once occurred to him that he could save some of that money, which he considered his and didn't add to the household funds, and use it to pay for some of his extras. Somehow it always was my fault. We lived paycheck to paycheck and never had savings beyond what little I could manage to squirrel away. In 2008 I finally told him I wanted a divorce. He agreed to move out and I would stay in the house (and pay the mortgage) until our youngest graduated high school. Six months later, he had done nothing about leaving so I moved out and continued to pay the mortgage, while he lived there with our daughters.(I lived with a friend and paid very little for rent or utilities so I survived.) Ten months later, just before our divorce was final, he quit his job and moved to the west coast to live with his girlfriend. After a few months of unemployment, they decided that he would go to school and she would support them. He decided not to pay child support and never actually mentioned it. We've been divorced for six years and he still tells my daughters how awful I am.
My ex has not been evaluated for ADHD even 'though it is clear he has it. He has joked to our daughters that he has it but apparently doesn't feel it is a problem. He blames me for the failure of our marriage. Ironically, I was diagnosed two years ago and realized that for 26 years, I was the "non-adhd" spouse, doing all the things that had to be done to keep us afloat and functioning, even 'though I wasn't good at them, either. The difference was that I was able to internalize a sense of responsibility and he was not. I stayed until I just couldn't do it alone any longer. He isn't a bad person, just completely oblivious.
You are correct when you say that your husband has no clue. Unless he decides to get treatment and stick with it, he never will. You have to decide what you can and want to live with, particularly as you age. If you stay with him, things will not change, except to get worse as you get older and have less time and ability to recover financially. Assuming that you are working, what happens if you get sick or are disabled? How will you make it financially in the long-term? Will you be able to retire? It is important to look out for yourself because no one else will. On an emotional level, it gets awfully lonely living with someone who isn't capable of participating in your life. I finally decided I'd rather be alone on my terms than be alone in a marriage. When I was packing to move out, my now ex told me that he had been waiting for me to realize that he loved me so that we could work on our marriage. . . I was speechless! I am remarried to a wonderful non-adhd husband, am getting treatment, including medication, and we are very happy. We work together to make sure that our marriage stays healthy and on track. It isn't always easy but we laugh a lot! He tells me that he has never felt so loved and I know that I never have.
Living together is the worst part . . .
Submitted by feelingletdown on
Thanks so much for the input. It's nice to hear somebody else's story who's been through something similar.
Our current problem is that, now that I've 99% decided that I would be better off without him, we're STUCK together in this house that won't sell. IF I move away, get work someplace else so I can start fresh, he would NOT be able to afford to even make minimum payments on the house, bills, etc. so either we'd lose the house and all the equity (which is plenty) or I'd end up paying DOUBLE just to get out of here - the bills for dummy and the bills wherever I go. I won't "sponge" off anybody else because I'm very introverted and would hate living with anybody and owing them (in my mind). And as long as I'm PHYSICALLY here in the house with him, hubby thinks I'm doing my part to "work it out".
Every day (since he's unemployed anyway) he goes on and on about how he's stuck with me through menopause, through some recent health problems, and how he gives me every penny he gets without complaint. He does complain tho - about not getting to play golf, or buy tools, or buy a brand new truck - stuff he shouldn't have been doing in the first place since he was usually UNEMPLOYED. He doesn't even understand how offensive it sounds when he says that!!! His mom died and instead of the usual small inheritance, whatever, we had to PAY for our portion of her services. She'd spent every penny and not left even a dime to bury herself, the old hag. He's got grown children back home and complains often of not seeing them or being able to send them more money and gifts. We did that a LOT in the beginning whether he worked or not, always it came out of my pay. If he worked one job a month he'd act like he'd just contributed a million dollars to our bank account and then go on a spending spree with my credit card and say all his new tools were stuff he 'needed for work'. Bullshit. He never made enough to even pay the bills on his business, much less contribute anything to our finances. I've been getting progressively more ill over the years, and I often wonder if its because of the strain of living with am imbecile. Then the GUILT over having someone who loves me and basically throwing that out the window.
But then again, what if he's simply using me because I'm easy to manipulate? Soft hearted. Generous. My one and only daughter basically shunned me last year when she decided to have a destination wedding and I refused to pay to go there - the equivalent of a new car! She owes me $63k+ for college & borrowed money, hasn't even tried to pay me back a penny of it, and now is angry at ME because I won't cough up even more money to watch her get married!-( Blatant disrespect and it shows me that all these years she's "sponged" off of me because I was generous and kind hearted; so that's what makes me think that even if he's not doing it intentionally, my hubby is also "sponging" off my generosity? He says he loves me to bits, is devoted to me, etc; but in reality he has no friends, no place to go, no money, no job - so saying that is certainly easier than getting ALL THOSE THINGS he'd have to get if I left him, right?
A Victim, Is a Person Who Refuses to Take Responsibility
Submitted by kellyj on
The first time I heard that statement...I was sitting in my therapists office and when he said that to me...in referencing my ex wife in explaining why he kept using that statement to describe her. I finally asked him......"who is a person who refuses to take responsibility? I keep hearing you make that statement about my ex wife, but what is the word that sums up that statement or label if want to call it that?" And he answered me by saying......"a victim."
I walked out of that office racked with guilt and a guilt that was so intense and unshakable......I proceeded home and sat for hours thinking about what he said because I imediately arrived at the conclusion that I had been that victim too. Many many countless times in my life and I realized....in only referencing my ex wife......that the devastation that I was experiencing due to my ex-wife's failure in understanding this....was the culmination of all the pain and suffering that I had...and was still feeling after the loss and the devastation of being divorced and the deceit and the emotional dishonesty that came from my ex-wife's denial of her self and who she really was because she blamed me entirely for the failure of our marriage together and she had been living with this lie for years...and pretending it didn't exist? What my ex-wife did....was live off me for years because she didn't actually Love me....but she was afraid of actually saying that because she knew...if she did....I would have divorced on the spot and she would be out in the street with only her means to support herself and would have to support herself in order to do this? Her life style would have taken a dramatic hit and would have lowered to a level she was simply not willing to give up or let go of since.....when we first got married.....I owned a house, my car, and everything in my possession free and clear with no debt what so ever. I had everything...and she had nothing but a broken car that she owed money on and was actually upside down in even the only real tangible possession she owned and only part of it? She was living on credit and looking for someone to help her or support her since life was so difficult for her as she felt since she could not buy the things she wanted for herself or have the life style that support the self image she was trying to maintain outwardly which was not in keeping with her income level and this was unacceptable to her? She had no education, no real world skills or trade and no career as such in any professional or accredited way that needed some kind of training or accredited form of proof ( a license, certificate, degree etc ) other than what ever she had learned in High School and that was as far as her education took her? All she had was the experience she had and nothing else to work from but she had not applied her self in any way in any attempt to advance herself further. She was quite simply.....looking for someone else to make up for the difference in what she wanted and needed to support her faltering self image because of this very reason and nothing else?
And she had friends who were married but namely her older sister who she looked up to and saw how well she had done ( in marriage ) but not before just like her and she saw the opportunity to advance her position and her status that would be equal to the public image that she was trying so desperately to achieve to make up for the low self image she had of herself which was not matching the public image she was trying to attain through the way she looked, the way she acted and the way she presented herself outwardly which was really the only real skill that she possessed? How she appeared on the outside to the public and to me especially and I was enamored by her beauty and the way she carried herself ( outwardly ) plus....she was a genuinely kind and caring person with a very big heart and as she appeared to me as.......just perfect and you could not ask for more? I trusted her words that she loved ( ME) for who I was.....not the live style that I could afford her and raise her low self image to match...the one she was portraying on the outside and to the public and I was a fool. I was a fool for being so blind as to blindly trust her words and what she appeared to be on the outside...even giving her credit for the kind and caring heart and a being a genuinely nice person? I was a fool for being so naive in thinking that this was all you needed to make a successful marriage and that's all it would take on my end? Trust, Love...and a belief in her and myself and we would be just fine together and I was very happy indeed. The only thing I required in anything....was that she share the same attitude about our marriage as I did and she said she did....until a few years later when suddenly....almost over night seemingly....that she started to become rather mean and angry and depressed and there appeared to be nothing I could do to remedy this in her but I tried everything I could...but nothing seemed to work but her main complaints were as follows as they began to emerge in the things she would say and the first complaint she lodged against me was:
-you're so insecure (I wasn't...until she said I was? )
-can't you just Be ( be what? I was so naive? )
-you can't even take care of yourself? ( and I thought....look who's talking? Care meant...a neat and tidy house and a outward presentation of perfection to the world at large. Care....as I saw it....was a means to support herself first and foremost since....if you can't support yourself by yourself ( earn the income you need for everything you want and need on your own without anyone else to provide that income....then you aren't supporting yourself..are you? In my case...I did as I said? And in my ex-wife's case....she was upsidown on a used car that she owed on...was lifing on credit and living right to the edge of her credit limit always, had no real world skills, had no real world education or training, had no means or proof of any kind of validation to walk into an employment office and show any proof that she could be hired or employed at any other income or wage other than slightly above minimum keeping with exactly what an employer would require...to pay a person with that level of experience and education...exactly what she was getting at the time? No more...and no less......right at the income level....that fit to her ability to provide someone paying her...with a level where they could profit from her expertise and skills she possessed with no more than a High School diploma...and no other means to say "I educated, trainable and am worth the investment to hire me because...I have proved that I can learn, I can research and find answers for myself, and I will quickly rise above any level that I am hired and advance to a higher level?"
So in thinking along the lives of an employer looking to hire? What motivation would anyone have...to hire someone in the first place? To profit off of your skills and service..in order for them to make money? It isn't a charity service or some kind of co-operative service they are providing....they're in it to make money and you are there to serve them and make them more money than they already have? There the ones who put of the capital, took the risks, figured out a business plan, got the education and learned how and did all that work ahead of time and opened for business? The did all of that and put their neck in the noose and went out on a limb and took that chance....simply so they could make an income and make more money than minimum wage for themselves so they could advance past the level.....that my ex wife was when I met her? The business owners themselves....had to do all of that...so they could make an higher income which is the only reason they would do it...to advance themselves? And in respect to my ex-wife...who walked into the door looking for a job....her wage was dependent on....how much money they could make off her and profit from her or......why would they hire her in the first place? Because she looks good? How freaking stupid...do you expect they would be if that was the only criteria they had in hiring her? Put her the front window like a Manikin or Use a naked picture of her on some Billboard or ad campaign that attracts your attention by using a sexy model or spokesperson to do this very thing? She wouldn't even have to open her mouth and say one single word in order to get that job but that's just taking the skills she had...and trying to place her where they could use her? If the only skills she had...were in talking, typing, and looking good.....how much money would you pay someone with these skills...if you were trying to make a profit? One of my best friends fathers use to always say...."You'll never go broke.....making a profit"...and he was absolutely right on that one?
You will never go broke.....making a profit
And I forgot to listen to this advise...when I met and married my ex wife since....I had all the skills, the house, the education, the knowledge and the ability to advance myself and improve in respects to making money and supporting myself in every way...all by myself without anyone else to help in any way? I needed no one to support me period in terms of supporting myself and taking care of all my own needs....alone. I did not need a wife....to that for me?
And in comparison....the only skills or means to do this for herself came from.....no real world skills or training either vocationally, academically, inherent talent or trade skills, no assets, no savings, and no real evidence that would support any claim she made that she could make it on her own outside of a bare minimal level of means to support herself at the lowest level of income earning power in relationship to what she had to offer and employer so they could profit on her and make more money themselves which again....why even open the doors....if that wasn't the goal? To think otherwise....would not only be foolish....but would be quite stupid and naive?
And within my own expectation of my ex-wife...that she could provide any more than she could provide to me in a fair exchange as I believed she would do....with only those skills, with no education or training outside of a High School Diploma, no real talents other than presenting herself nicely and looking quite well put together on the outside in how she appeared and how she talked ( her personality and what she looked like as her only real world skill ) how much an hour do you think that personality and speaking well should earn in todays work place as an earning potential? I'm thinking about $10 to $15 dollars an hour with the only exception being Super Models but that only accounts for less than 5% of all women out there and that is due to God given talent....if you can use the word talent as a skill....in just looking pretty with a nice body that people ( and manly men ) would be attracted to in order to sell products an advertise or used as a promotional tool...to attract customers in the door?
I suppose to the level you are born good looking with a nice figure...could account for the level of money potential you could assess if you were looking at women as a piece of meat or commodity and using that criteria to place a dollar value on a woman earning potential or in respect to being a Prostitute, porn actress or sex worker...the same criteria would apply?
But since I wasn't placing a $ amount or my wife's head like a piece of Chattel or commodity to sell at auction and was marrying her to be my partner for better or for worse....I was that stupid fool and completely naive idiot...who believed that my ex-wife was marrying me for the same reason I was marrying her? Not for me to support her in here lack of skills or any means to support herself alone all by herself like I had done...since I was the business owner....who had done all that work and all the education and the means to get there? I took all the risks and put in the effort and acquired a pay level equal to my ability to make a profit and had to earn every step of the way to get where I was...at the time I met my ex-wife who was exactly where she was when I met her?
The last thing I ever expected from her......was to use to me support her so she didn't have to do what I did....and just reap the benefits of all my hard work and years of struggling to get where I was? That is...in a place where I could support myself without anyone else and could stand on my own two feet. Alone. Without someone eles....doing that for her?
The last thing....that I ever expected from my ex wife since that would have never crossed my mind at the time.....was for someone to come along and take advantage of what I had....so they wouldn't have to go through all the steps I took to get there on their own so could be stand on their own two feet like me...and walk hand in hand together as equals in everything? She didn't want to be my equal.....what she wanted was to stay a dependent just like she was when she was a child? She had no means to support herself.....yet I was that ignorant stupid fool....he believed she could with an expectation that followed which made me the fool for believing something that wasn't true? My ex-wife was a cut out Bill Board...with no depth or substance other than what she appeared like on the outside which was her only talent or skill she possessed...and yet some how I expected more which made me a fool. I expected my ex-wife...to pull her own weight...not just in the household chores, or keeping a tidy house and presenting ( outwardly to the world ).....I expected her to have depth of character and substance and to share equally and provide equally together....one big pot together and each person contributing their fair share in EVERYTHING.......not just caring for the household....which amounts to a fraction....( 10% maybe ) or the total value that a person has to offer as a person when it comes to depth, character, integrity, Love, earning power, skills, talent, appearance, service, support, sharing, assets,potential for advancement, education, IQ, personality, spiritual growth, health and taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, inherent abilities, learned abilities and experience all said and done?
I expected all of those things to be equal of a willingness on my ex wife's part to catch up to me and join me on a fair level of exchange....and my ex wife...not only failed in everything except her personality and what she appeared like on the outside.......everything else she had to offer in a fair and even partnership....was 0. And yet...I though...as I would or any business owner who is looking for a partner to share in the business of life together....that some how by magic and completely being presumptions and naive....that my ex wife some how....had the same attitude or even desire...what so ever....to meet me half way and be an equal partner.....which only ended in divorce and my wife accusing me off of not being able to take care of myself...and being insecure and not providing her with her own advancing public image that she portrayed outwardly to the world and all her friends and family which amounted her only talent to get there was her body, personality, and outward appearance other than just above minimum wage potential but with an appetite for a much higher status that she had done nothing to earn?
The most appalling thing for me as I remember was realizing that I had married a whore or prostitute but I could not allow myself to see this.....and held to a believe that she was other than that because in ex wife's case and all that I know of her now.....her goal in life from the time she was very little...was to grow up and meet a man to marry who had lots of money to support the life style she envisioned for herself.....but without having to earn a penny or it....other than with her body, her looks and her personality to get there which boils down to prostitution.....no matter which way to slice it? It her physical body and personality being her only means of exchange or what she had to offer to a partnership.....then that's all she was good for...and by default...became a prostitute and this was why her self image and self esteem was in the toilet and why she blamed me for our failure together because without a man in her life...to raise her level of living in everyway you can come up with....she couldn't do it by herself...and needed someone else to do it for her and that was her goal the entire time and why she did nothing about it?
And what I saw in her was so much more than that and all these wonderful qualities and a good heart to go along with it....but what I failed to see in advance....was everything that I just told you here and by default.....I became her Pimp Daddy.....which caused me to betray myself in order to remain with her due to our circumstances?
The one thing I have to establish here to make sure...is that my ex and I had talked about children...and we both agreed this was not the direction we wanted to go so that was stated up front...so there can be no confusion here? Without children or a family in mind right from the start....is simplifies the reasons to get married: motivation, reasoning, premise, expectations,goals, needs, wants, desires and everything to do with everything I said.....without children in the picture? The only reason to get married in the first place if no children are involved....is to be a even partnership.....and everything being equal?
And since nothing is ever equal between two people ever....you have what assets you possess and own.....and which ones you do not...and any expectations of sharing assets....could only be supported by what is missing on either account if you can see it that way?
And so within our values system....there was a huge discrepancy right from the start. I did not place the same value on what I saw as my wife's assets....compared to how my wife saw her own assets...that had to do with her body, her personality, and what she looked like on the outside and that was what she valued the most in her self.....which by default....made me her pimp....which was not what I had signed up for.....but actually did without knowing any better? And in order to be with her..and stay with her....I had to whore myself in order to do so and so by default....I was her Whore Pimp Daddy...and did not understand why I was so depressed and feeling insecure? I had no experience or desire of willingness to be a Whore Pimp Daddy and had no skills what so ever...in comparison to my ex wife's ability and her motivations in these areas and this was where....in my ex wife's opinion....I had failed to take care of myself? That is....everything on the outside....and nothing on the inside which is exactly how I saw my ex wife as well? All show....and no go....and just "fluff"....with no substance, no integrity, no real world skills or leaned talents in anything that could actually support herself with.. ..other than her body.and what she looked like on the outside and that was it? And her expectations of me....was for her to provide for her...everything she didn't have on the outside....with no willingness or even desire for what was on the inside which was mostly what I had to offer her anyway?
No in a million years...did I think that I needed to earn more of have more than just being able to stand on my own two feet and provide and support myself 100% and need to have more than that as a goal and the very last thing I would ever choose to do or have a personal goal for myself....was to be Whore Pimp Daddy....for a woman who needed me to be that due to her own unwillingness and desire to advance beyond what she looked like and her physical body...since in the end...that was the only skill, talent, or asset she through into the pot together.
And I ended up having to make up for all the rest of what my wife was missing that I had for her lack of...which was more than I even had to offer in the first place.....and use more of myself to try and compensate in order to make up for this inequity.....than I even had in my possession to offer in the first place ...which "took from me" instead of contributed to me in any way......since I had never considered someone would do that...because in my mind in where I place my values and my own personal assets and personal net worth in terms of everything I am as a person and what I have to offer....the only thing my ex wife wanted was the money and support her....which were only two things on my list...that I forgot to include in the first place along with any expectation that someone would expect from me in the first place to even consider this before getting married to her....which I found out....the hard way?
All she wanted and really got from me was money and support ..and all I ever got from her was sex and a pretty smile and nice personality? Which the only way I could see this ( and still can see this as her being a Whore....and me being her Whore Pimp Daddy? Since that was exactly the medium for exchange and the only things that traded place between us at the end of our marriage together?
And for me...there is no way I can't see this from what I knew and the where I had come from in the beginning of my life and learning what I did from my own parents and what I saw?
What I saw with my own mother in respect to what I just said. A rather strange but honest appraisal of my mother as a whole complete package? My mother was a bomb shell....in the looks department....hands down. She had a figure that wouldn't quit...and a faced to match. On the outside...she was a "keeper" in a New York minute...and if that was her only asset...she could have become a wealthy woman indeed. To use a well known street term as used to define a woman like my mother....."she had it all...and then some"...if that is the only criteria one could use in the same way I am talking about my ex wife? But my mother....had an interiors as a person ...that was more than who she was...and she placed all her value on that much...even though she maintained her exterior far above average as well which only showed me that she was trying to be her best....based on what she started with...but went a far cry beyond that and exceeded the expectations of anyone seeing only what they saw on the outside which was exactly what my father saw in her and nothing more. My father was a Whore Pimp Daddy...right out of the hole....so when he spotted my mother and all her charms....he hit pay dirt and that was that.....she became his stable and means to support his self image and that was all he needed from along with serving him and his needs within the same expectation....which by default....made my mother a whore but only by default which was never how she saw herself? For a woman of almost no means to start with only those assets to fall back on...she was almost a genius compared to my father with an inherent IQ and ability that exceeded that of most women at the time? She had a gift in mathematics ...what no one taught her to do ( far beyond my own in that respect ) which I admired and valued in her as well? Her focus was less to do with what was on the outside..and more to do with what was on the inside of her and had so much more to offer than looks alone? But because she owned it...and possessed that and all that went with it....she really didn't need to fluent it or try to gain acceptance by it? That she had and she owned and she knew it....so her focus and what she valued most.....were not those things in comparison? She had brains...in other words....and that was her greatest asset of all and those were the values she entitled in my by the same default from what she owned and had to offer? She gave me everything she had to offer...and that included the Love that showed.
So as I sat there racked with guilt....and trying to find some way to resolve the guilt I had when I came home from my T;s office that day...shortly after I was trying to come to terms with what had just happened right after my divorce.....my T;s words were ringing loudly in my ears and there was no way to escape what he told me and no one else I could blame but myself for being right where I was....even if it wasn't my fualt...for just being niavie and ignorant (and kind of stupid as I felt ...which is exactly how I felt about myself? I had betrayed myself and who I was....from stupidity and nothing more and I hated myself to the depths of my soul because of it....and had no other out of what I saw. I was a victim....and there was no way around it...and I hated myself and wanted to die...and there was no other way out of it...as I thought and felt at the time?
So here I am....right now this minute saying all of these things that many might not agree with and each person has a right to do so with no arguing coming from me what so ever...because of my experiences?
But all you need to do...is read anything I've said here as proof...that I did find a way out of where I was that day....and I have exceeded my own expectations of myself at this point....far beyond what I could have imagined at the time?
The only thing I wanted to add here just for argument sake? When you grow up having labels attached to all you life....you get really good at playing that game. An expert in fact....on that level I would say.....so when it comes to labeling and attaching labels to things.....I am a pro in that department...if that's the game being played? But with all due respect to me now and how I really feel about labeled any way....which was the lesson taught to me by my own mother?
Sticks and stones...,will breaks my bones.....but names....will never hurt me?
J
A Following Comment to What I Just Said
Submitted by kellyj on
If my t was correct in saying that statement of what a victim....really is which I whole heartedly believe myself personally? It doesn't matter what you believe or what you were told or what you learned as the way you should be? None of that can used as an excuse to say you're NOT....a victim....if you can't blame anything ( period ) for why you are unhappy, angry, hurt or upset in your life right this very minute. If you are unhappy....in any way shape or form....and you are using another person as the reason for this....then your a victim...with victim mentality. Period.
I'm not talking about in the moment...or due to circumstance. I'm talking about your general disposition and your general overall feelings in an on going way...that never change and are always the same? So if you are always: angry. hurt. upset.resentful.feel disrespected.depressed.feel betrayed, deceived...or any negative feeling or emotion that you posses on your own and with any attitude that is aimed at any one person or group of people for anything that has to do with you? Then you're a victim with victim mentality. Period.
No matter which way you try and convince you're self otherwise ( which is denial plain and simple )....all roads lead back to you...right from the beginning no matter which way you try and weasel yourself out of it? You are born into the world.....alone. And you will die and leave this world....alone. No matter how hard you try and get out of this for yourself only....all you need to do is go back a little further...and keep going back in time in your own past to a place....where you had the opportunity to do something you didn't do....that would have prevented the way you are now....from happening and you didn't do it? I challenge anyone...to defy this and try it for yourself? If you can't blame your parents. If you can't blame your circumstances. If you can't blame your teacher the clergy in Church, your friends, past relationships,your enemies,men or women. society and societal norms,not knowing any better, not be told the right thing or told the wrong thing from someone else, you were the victim or rape, or attack, or terrorists or by accident.some health problem or something beyond your own control. If you can't blame one single solitary:person, place, thing,animal,mineral, vegetable or otherwise.....and if you can't blame anything at all except one person only that is you for how you are right now this very minute? If you can't blame period and blame does not exist?
See if you can sit down and do this and see if you can? If you can't.....your a victim....because when my T said that to me in his office....there were no qualifiers added to that statement what so ever? None....as he said? Which means......to take 100% and not 1% less of full accountable of for everything that is wrong with you including God since God has nothing to do with this and I made sure I asked my T to clarify and he assured me....not even God can be blamed?
I defy you to say your not a victim......if you have to blame anything...for the way you are now. I defy you in trying resolve this logically which is the only means you can use here...since emotions are part of what you are responsible for in yourself.....100%. The only means to resolve this challenge....is to take it and see for yourself? Either you can...or you can't.....but as it was for me that evening when I came home from therapist....I sat there and played the "No Blame Game" which I made up myself to do this very thing.....and I got about two sentences out of my mouth..and found I couldn't do it?
There are reasons for things....as an explanation to the causes.....but those aren't excuses since...there is a reason for everything in Heaven and on Earth. Period. You can't blame a reason...since a reason is not an excuse? Excuses....always come with blame...and you can't have one without the other? And with no one to blame and no excuses to be found since they no longer exist without blame....all that is left is you and you alone in regard to either taking responsibility for everything that happens too you.....or not? That is a choice no matter what you try and use to weasel your way of it. Period. I defy you because I tried.....and there is no way out and no where you can run and hide from it? Yes or No. If you can't blame anything for the way you are in your overall general well being and disposition........then you aren't a victim. If you have to blame something....even one thing.....even 1. Then your a victim...with victim mentality. Period. End of story.
So in keeping with this thought...and as a means to answer the questions in this very thread.?
The very first word used here is........Anger.
The second word here is frustration
The third word used here is resentment, then exhaustion, then anxiety .....and then is growing in me. Me....as in......I. There is no one else here as far as I can see? And if what I am saying is true....and you can't blame any of this...on anyone else? Then what are you going to do about it since you can't blame anyone else for those feelings and emotions if you are not a victim?
And for me to say this...and say it without any judgment comes from the fact that I am that victim too.....but I am not that victim now at this time. The only way not to judge....is not to be a victim? Judgment....comes....from being a victim with victim mentality and if there is no judgment.....then there is no crime committed? That's how you can tell if you are one or not...simply and easily with no denial or reasonability for yourself and where you are now......100%. Not 99%.....or 97%......100%.....it's all or nothing...if you want to play the No Blame Game and winner takes all when you win? That's how you play that game...and those are the rules. All or nothing....and winner takes all. The best part about this game is....there is no one else needed to play?
He / She who smelt it.....always dealt it....when playing the no blame game because....those are the rules....if you take my challenge to play?
And when I first came to this forum and emailed Melissa about a question I had.....the first thing she challenged me about....was taking care of MY Anger. My anger.....not anyone else?
So by playing by the rules...and playing the same game as I continue to play for myself.....the rules on the label says......no one else to blame but me.....so when I saw the first line in this thread......I already now the answer here? No playing both sides of the fence in the no blame game. It's not a game for the fearful or the timid and weak because it will be the hardest game...you will ever play in your entire lifei in order to win and beat the house here....because the house is you?
You are always your own worst enemy.....when you play the no blame game since your the only one playing so there is nothing else you can ever blame but ME....for anything ever, all the time....which is as an absolute universal truth....that there is no arguing against? Period? In fact....I challenge anyone to argue this....since your feelings are part of your responsibility too...which leaves only one way out?
Thinking......all by yourself. And if you win....since winner takes all.....you will have all the answers you will ever need....and then you can find the solutions from those answers once you have them.
That is, once you have the answers and you know what you are seeing in front of you at any time no matter where you go. Fear comes from the unknown....and if you know what you are seeing....then you will no longer be afraid anymore? The beauty of the no blame game is.....it kills a bunch of birds....all with one stone once you win.
That's my two bits....and I'm sticking to it.....like glue!! :)
J