Dark times here. My ADHD husband and I are currently dealing with a stressful situation with a neighbor. At the beginning of this situation, I had him deal with it because he is more of a people person. However, he screwed that up and put us in a situation where the neighbor is still wronging us and is now angry about the situation. So I stepped in. I'm the one dealing with the attorneys, I'm the one dealing with neighborhood groups, and I'm the one who is getting the brunt of this very serious problem.
Well, Monday I lost it. I totally snapped in a horrible, public way. I'm frightened and embarrassed at my behavior. I spent the evening sobbing on the couch and even called a warmline. It's bad.
I told ADHD husband that it was all too much, and I needed him to take over for me for two weeks. This should not have been a surprise. We have been dealing with this situation since 2017, and for the last few weeks I've been telling him frequently that I am not mentally okay. (Neighbor situation is almost identical to a huge trauma trigger for me, and we have discussed that at length.) I told him that I needed him to get up to speed on the situation by reading the email thread between me, another neighbor, and the community group and for him to take over talking to them about mediation. Now, I forwarded that email to husband last week, but he hadn't looked at it. Mind you, at the time I'm telling him this, I'm sobbing and also, I only asked him to take over for TWO WEEKS.
He pauses for a very long time, and starts sputtering out reasons why he can't help me with this situation which also involves him. I explain how badly I need his help and he explains that he has anxiety over sending emails, and is worried about messing up again. Have I mentioned that 50% of his job is sending emails? He realizes what an idiot he's being. Now, as I mentioned, Im in a severe mental-health crisis. I want to be curled up in a ball and wailing. I explain to him that I can't talk about it now, but that I don't expect him to do it all on his own, and I want him to give me updates and run things by me, I just need a break. Then he starts asking me questions about the email that he should already know. I repeat that I'm not okay and can't talk about it now. He asks more questions. I tell him I can't talk about it (I'm literally unable to stop crying and it's been HOURS since I started). I explain that I need him to be here for me and that I don't want to be telling him what exactly I need in this situation, but since I'm telling him, I need him to listen to me. Yadda yadda yadda, I eventually cry myself to sleep.
Yesterday, dude bops home from work like nothing happened. I ask him to stop and get McDonald's for the kids because we have leftovers and they have activities. He acts like I'm putting too much on him. He gets home and I mention that it's Valentines day and I thought that since I really needed him yesterday and he couldn't be there for me that he would want to make it up in some way. He says "I don't have any money, sorry." I counter with "well, I bought the kids candy they like and that cost me 60 cents. I'm sure you can come up with something" He says "Sorry." I say "the gas station is right up the street." He looks sad and says "sorry."
So in the course of two days, I have laid out that I am having a mental health crisis and need his help and he responds that he's afraid of emails. Then I tell him that I'm feeling really hurt by his actions and that valentine's day is an easy way to make me feel loved, and he refuses to do anything at all.
It turns into an argument and he is completely blown away. In his mind, I was having a hard time and he agreed to help me with something and now I wasn't letting it go. In my mind, all the pressure of this thing that he has not been helping with became too much and I had to add fighting with him just to get a two-week mental break. He's saying things like "you'll never let me live this down and all I did was pause after you asked me" I'm like "when I'm in a situation this serious, I need you to enthusiastically agree with me and not fight" He's like "You only had to ask me twice before I agreed." I'm like "I'm losing my mind. You should have noticed and stepped in. Me getting my shit together enough to tell you exactly what you need to do instead of making you guess should be a relief for you, not a burden." He says "Well, I guess we should get divorced then" I say "I do not want to get divorced, but if we stay married, I need to come to terms with the fact that no one will be there for me when I need it." He tried to argue that he is always there for me, so I told him that he could continue his argument when he could mention just ONE time that he was there for me when I needed him. That made him stop. He ran to the gas station and bought me ice cream.
I know what's coming next. He's going to be angry that I'm angry with him, but he's not going to tell me, he's just going to do shitty things for a while. I can't have that. We fought all night with me trying to get him to see that I was in a bad place and didn't ask that much of him. He thinks he's a hero who agreed to help his suffering wife. I think he made a situation 100x worse and left me to clean it up and when I couldn't take it anymore I still had to fight him for a break. As of this writing he still has not responded to the community organizer who asked him specific questions in the email (I had emailed saying I was losing it and needed my husband to take over for a bit and introduced him to the group.)
But from past experience, he isn't going to remember this. And some day he is actually going to forget how much he hurt me and will joke about "that time I got mad at him because he was afraid to send an email." How do I make this stick?
Where to start.......
Submitted by Elliej on
Hi
Firstly, i hope you are ok? I too have been in mental health crisis recently and experienced similar things with my ADHD husband (currently separated). I hope you are getting help.
Theres a lot to address from your post but you asked...how do i make it stick. If you want him to understand the enormity of how you're feeling and not pass it off as a joke down the line (which btw i have absolutely experienced), perhaps sit him down, outside of the home and calmly explain how bad you feel and how he could have handled it differently.
I personally have had to do this multiple times and my husband freely states "i just dont get emotions" aka even though im distraught and wailing, he doesnt understand the enormity of the situation, what i need in that moment and (like your husband) uses a moment you are vulnerable to "have a go" (in your case pausing, giving reasons not to help and saying you will never let him live it down). No one likes to feel under attack when vulnerable......which, like you, i have experience of.
The fact you continually had to ask for help quite honestly also resonates. Ultimately, you have it handled so your husband forgets/is disinterested/anxious to help or ask what you need. In my 18year experience with ADHD ive never seen that change and like you, ive had similar legal issues with neighbours that i had to take over in the end as my husband made it worse. You are then the bad guy from every angle. He thinks he is the hero "agreeing to help"......these are key words. He agreed to help......after you had already been dealing with it for ages, he agreed to help on a two week basis....not permanently and ultimately he agreed to help because YOU had to ASK. He didnt pick up on the stress you are under, despite you repeatedly telling him. You are his mother (like i was).....organising, directing, advising, taking control. Perhaps you just dont do it anymore. Let him handle it and what will be will be. Give him some accountability.
You dont feel seen by your husband, when in your mind its bloody obvious you are having mental health issues. Why cant he see it especially when im telling him?! I dont know why and i can only go from my experience, but my husband just cant help me in my darkest moments. I have to spell everything out to him.......and who wants to do that if you are already hysterically crying on floor.....its pretty bloody obvious. Perhaps you need to recognise he may never be able to do that and find another support mechanism (friend, family member).
Im not sure if anything i said was helpful but hopefully knowing someone else has similar experiences will help you realise you are not alone!
Thanks!
Submitted by Dagmar on
It took you asking if I was okay to realize no one ever asks if I'm okay. Thank you. I'm already a little better. This is the sucky part where I realize that no one is going to help me but me and I have to deal with it on my own. I've just got to lay low for a while and try not to have crazy outbursts before I can work through it myself.
Where is the breaking point? We've already established that he can't help me, even when I ask him. You know what? Like 5 years ago he made plans to move halfway across the country and forgot to tell me. I knew his company was moving its headquarters. I knew there was some confusion about him going along. I knew he went down to help set up the office for a week and scope out the area, and at that time he shipped his car down there. Then he came back after that week and at some point I asked him how he would be getting to the office if his car was in another state. He looked terrified and said he would be driving the car to the office. That's how I found out he was moving the next week. I thought he was potentially moving in the next six months. I had no idea. He was just home to pack (which he didn't do). I figured it would be a good transition. He'd move and I wouldn't. But then he got fired two days before he was supposed to leave and it didn't happen. And of course, he got fired and needed me and was sweet as pie. But I have trouble talking to friends and even therapists about it because they don't understand how he could just forget he didn't tell me. I totally believe him. I know he was putting off telling me, assumed I knew from some positive reaction I had, and then went from there. He even said "I thought you were being extra nice to me because we were going to be apart soon." Um, no. I was being extra nice because he went down there and found a place to stay without making me do all the work. If I had the slightest idea he was moving in less than a week and hadn't packed a single suitcase or done a load of laundry, I would have lost it. Needless to say, I lost it when I found out.
I told him this afternoon that we needed to separate. He wanted to talk about it when he got home. He's now hours late coming home. Great.
Glad you are feeling better.....
Submitted by Elliej on
Hello!
Glad you are feeling better. You asked.....where is the breaking point. Well it sounds like you found it given you have said you want to separate (temporarily or permanently). Living with ADHD is hard and not for the faint hearted. The impulsivity, distraction, blameshifting, interrupting, forgetfulness and honestly wreckless behaviour (in my experience). Let alone, quite honestly, emotional neglect. Now of course, this is my experience and im newly separated so my judgment is clouded.
Ultimately the forgetfulness is going to remain. It is part of the condition that needs to be proactively managed. But not by you. By him. He needs to take accountability of his own mental health much the same as you are.
Try to find a counsellor that understands ADHD. This network is also good for support. Im relatively new here and have been dealing with undiagnosed ADHD for 18years. Its been traumatic xx
Crystal Clear....
Submitted by c ur self on
(The impulsivity, distraction, blameshifting, interrupting, forgetfulness and honestly wreckless behaviour (in my experience). Let alone, quite honestly, emotional neglect. Now of course, this is my experience and im newly separated so my judgment is clouded.)
Just wanted to say that your judgment might be clouded, but, your list of experience's are crystal clear...These behaviors you have listed are dead on point in my add minded spouse, and are the exact reason's people who happen to be married to this type minded person, must NEVER slip off into a mind that trusts these things want happen when you address or engage them....
Any time we place our trust, & emotional health in a person who is an unsafe person in many ways, it's just self inflicted suffering...If the rattlesnake bit you today...It will bite you tomorrow, and the next day, and the next....
People without firm boundaries will always be an emotional wreck...I was one for years because I thought love would fix it....
c
Wow.....thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you! Ive questioned my reality for many years and i continue to do so, now i feel ive awoke from a dream. I constantly question if my experiences were and are valid. This response gave me a form of validation. I had no boundaries, and unfortunately the monster that is ADHD continued to hop, skip and jump on my kindness. I never thought of your points about them being unsafe people before......but recently i said to my ex "you never kept me emotionally safe". I never ever thought like that before i had a mental breakdown. Ive rambled now but Thank you
Hugs, Dagmar
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm sorry to hear all you're going through right now and I hope you can find some ways to take the break you know you need. ♥️ Is there anyone else at all who can handle this for a couple of weeks? Another neighbor or attorney? Are there any out of left field solutions like moving in with family for a couple of weeks or moving entirely?
I understand that desperation of just needing your partner to BE a partner sometimes. My ex-husband could not see my pain or need even when I was spelling it out or crying or pleading or ill. I don't understand this absence of empathy and never did find a way to break through.
Accepting that your partner can't/won't be there for you is a tough pill to swallow. I'm sorry and hope you find a way through.
He had no idea
Submitted by Dagmar on
Last night we fought and he had no idea why what he had done was so bad. He kept saying "I wish I hadn't paused when you asked me for help." That's how he sees it. He didn't register that I was crying and that I had been telling him things were bad for weeks. He really thinks I'm having an overreaction to a small issue.
One of the less important things that I've been asking for him to do is to take full responsiblity of his tasks. Specificially dinner. He cooks dinner every night, but I have to choose the menu, purchase the groceries, remind him of the time, and sometimes he has me come in and put the food on the plates. I have been telling him that the strain of being involved in everything is getting to me for weeks.
But in the middle of all this mess, he actually called me and asked me what to get for dinner. Because he hasn't been listening when I tell him that it bothers me. I guess that since I can't count on him for the big things, I shouldn't have counted on him for the little things.
Just spinning out of control
Submitted by Dagmar on
So yeah, it's going on two weeks now and. . .nothing. I've been running at the gym a lot lately and my shoes have holes. He picked up on that (nice!) and bought me a new pair of shoes. I noticed they were callled "hard court shoes" and looked them up and they are for Pickleball. Like they are specifically made for stepping side to side and all the reviews were about how they were the best Pickleball shoes you can get. I tried to find ways to work around and wear them anyway, but I'd get hurt. We aren't super athletic, so maybe he just saw "tennis shoes" and didn't understand that they aren't the same as "running shoes." He got angry at himself and sent them back and that's it. I'm so tired of the trying. Trying isn't good enough anymore. I need him to actually DO something.
During all of our arguments, the one place where he agrees that I do too much of is all the planning. I make all the weekend plans. He doesn't respond to any messages that include me. I even convinced him that it takes hours of time for me to just get everyone out the door. So this weekend, I made no plans. I didn't do a thing. And neither did anyone else. He didn't try to talk to me about our relationship, he didn't make plans to do something fun, he just did nothing. He is showing me his willingness to change by not changing anything, and I need to listen to him.