Hey everyone I'm married to an adhd spouse and he's on meds but that's all he doesn't do any other therapy. He creates lists and never actually does anything on it, we have a house full of projects that need doing that never get done and I just sit here and stir, we have a baby at home and I'm terrified of divorce, having to split my time with my daughter, different holidays etc like many on here I'm hanging around because of my child, but I'm burnt out. I purposely went back to work part time to relieve some of my stress but I've recently started working more hours plus doing the majority of the housework. I feel like I try to be supportive and let him go golfing, see his friends, etc but it's never enough, I ask him to complete one task on the list and it's like I asked him to move a mountain . He insists I'm always bugging him to do stuff but it's all play and no work. I mean I get he works Monday to Friday but I also work nights long hours plus the house. It's always well weekends are my only time off I don't want to do shit on the house etc. I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable but it's literally take a month for one light to be changed, ugh I just don't know if we should move and forget this house move into something already done relieve some of this stress but I also don't know if I want to move with him if I don't want to be with him anymore. Anyways I got a bit off topic but anyone on here get divorced from their adhd spouse with a toddler or young kids? Any advice suggestions your experiences? Love to hear from you thanks!
Leaving with children
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Kal - I really empathize with your situation. I waited years to leave my ADHD husband for all the reasons you stated. Mainly, I did not want to share custody because he was an unfit parent. Would not remember to feed her (even though he'd eat himself), would not interact with her, and would not watch her adequately. He also routinely left stove burners on, doors unlocked, etc. I waited until she was old enough to 1. take care of her own needs for food, laundered clothing, safety etc. and 2. have a voice in the system for who she'd like to live with in case he went to bat for custody. However, the years of waiting almost did me in. By the time she turned 13, I was a wreck and the stress had started to impact me physically. Since we separated (about 5 months ago), a weight has been lifted. I'm not sure I recommend waiting as I did. It took a major toll on me and the younger your child is when you split, the more normal going back and forth will be.
I was very afraid of sharing custody. As it turns out, my ex does not seem all that interested in being around (same principle as not doing things around the house... he gravitates to the easiest road with the least amount of work). To be fair, our living arrangements are not settled yet so a formal agreement isn't in place yet, but right now he swings by for a visit for a few hours a week and that's it. That works great for me and our daughter doesn't miss him because he was absent even when he lived here. Your situation may be different from mine and you may want your spouse to have more time with your child (to give you a much-needed break) and he may be a lot more competent than mine was. Once your husband is parenting on his own without you to do everything around the house, he might also be forced to step up on his days with your daughter - and that would be a very good thing! Do you think he would be agreeable to whatever the ideal arrangement in your head might be?
Also, I know what you mean about moving. My husband wanted to move to a smaller house and I knew we'd have the exact same problems there. He'd still never do anything there and I'd be giving up the place I love. That was a no-go for me. Plus, it's just one more way *I* would be working around the ADHD. My whole life was already built on accommodating it.
Regardless of all these what-ifs and logistics that kept me paralyzed for a long time, what is best for YOU? If you're done, how much longer can you go on like this realistically? What about a trial separation?
No matter what you decide, believe in yourself. Take care of yourself. You are worth it.