I am very confused and would really appreciate some help. My wife has ADHD and I am autistic. I have read a lot about couples where the non-ADHD partner can become the organiser and the nag and the ADHD partner feels like the child always being told off.
However, in my case, my wife has ADHD and is also the nag. She is incredibly intolerant, angry and irritable.
If I do 10 things she will notice the one thing that is wrong and not the nine that are right or she will notice the faults in the nine that are right or tell me I should’ve done them differently or not done them at all.
She gives me looks and talks to me like I’m a child, but I feel like I’m living with a child or a stroppy messy teenager.
When we talk about this, the usual response from my wife is to say “oh you’re so sensitive”.
My confidence is on the floor and I can’t seem to get anything right whatever I do or don’t do. I am on edge all the time. We have been married for thirteen years but have actually recently separated and I have moved out.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I realise a lot of it is my wife externalising her own frustrations with herself by assuming the parent role to shift the child role onto me and is not “my stuff”, but I am unable to stop it affecting me. I am on edge all the time trying both to prevent criticism and attack as well as do thoughtful things to please her (which are rarely acknowledged), even though I realise it’s an impossible task. I don’t know what is ADHD, what is personality and what is my own insecurity. I feel like I am going crazy and am doubting myself fundamentally all the time.
Any help very much appreciated. Thank you
Gender issues, too
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Parent/child dynamics, as I call what is going on in your household, is sometimes impacted by gender role issues, as well. This seems to be what is going on here. Though your wife has ADHD, she also is carrying the cognitive load for the family getting things done. Essentially playing the role of 'more organized partner' and manager in your relationship.
This is particularly difficult for someone who has ADHD because it's hard to remember and do all of that stuff.
Your shrinking into yourself, trying to anticipate etc is a sort of 'walking on eggshells.' It's pretty destructive to the relationship because it stifles you, and also makes you less reliable (ironically). She likely wants you to be transparent and there for her. In your tenuous-feeling position you are more likely to be feeling closed off and unavailable.
Her constant critique is a form of emotional harassment - a reflection of her deep frustration. It may also be impacted by emotional control issues that commonly come with ADHD, though that's hard to tell from what you have written. Her 'you're too sensitive' comments are a dismissal of your complaints that doesn't move the two of you forward at all.
The two of you need help. If you haven't taken it, I would suggest you consider my upcoming live couples seminar (given by Zoom) as a starting place. It begins Oct. 4th. It's a good way to dip your toe into the water and learn more about your options...non-threatening to her, I hope. It's quite good and has helped lots of folks look more closely at the sort of dynamic you have.
Best wishes to you.
Thank you Melissa. Yes there
Submitted by milian on
Thank you Melissa. Yes there is a very entangled, inverse/ mirrored parent-child dynamic playing out in which each of us feels like we parenting the other and is surprised that the other feels to be in parent role. We each feel we have an "extra child" to look after.
I am not sure about the gender role. My wife has a very "male" energy and way of living in many ways. I have been the primary caregiver for the last 7 years so looking after the home and children, but we run our own business from home so it's more like a 70-30 split between domestic-business for me and the opposite for my wife.
I'm having a hard time relating to lots of the points I read in your books and have seen here, where the nagging usually occurs by the frustrated non ADHD partner. Whereas although I am the organiser, tidier, etc., I am still the one that cannot get anything right and am put down, belittled, etc. continually. As if by attacking me and all the things I have/ haven't done it will take the pressure or focus away from how frustrated she might be feeling in managing her own life. Even seeing this I find it almost impossible not to take it on.
It's not a pattern I've really come across, where the converse of the non-ADHD partner being the nag is so common.
You're right in your observations - that my learnt behaviour of treading on eggshells and placating to try and keep the peace only makes things worse. I often feel as though I am primarily a punchbag to absorb the frustration my wife feels with her own difficultiues. Deciding what is "my stuff" and what isn't can be hard and can be what i call crazy-making. Resally I have hundreds of pages of notes over the years where i have tried to understand simple interactions and make sense out of them and how I feel so bad.
What I find difficult to understand and manage is what to do about being under constant criticism and an on edge. I am in high threat mode a lot of the time and I am also deeply confused trying to process what feels like a lot of cognitive dissonance. I realise also now that a lot of my interpretation of what is happening is down to how my autistic brain is dealing with that information and what patterns and stories it is constructing.
We are both seeking help and know we need help. We have had therapy in the past, but never with the understanding about ADHD and autism. This is all quite recent. I was diagnosed with autism last year and my wife with ADHD, which has put a hugely different light on the way we relate and the deep rooted ongoing patterns that play out with their inbuilt anger, resentments and sadness. So we are both very new to this approach and could really do with all the support we can get.
I would like to join the Zoom seminar, thank you. It has been difficult find a couples' therapist with experience of neurodiverstiy to help us unpick what is simply a matter of the way our brains process information and then what is the secondary layer of our reactions to that based on our understanding of what is going on. And somewhere in all that are our personalities, buried beneath the day to day angst.
I am finding your books very helpful. If there are any resources, or even therapists, you feel would be particularly relevant I'd love to hear.
THanks again Melissa. You are doing a wonderful thing here. It's like a light has gone on but so far all I can see is how trashed the room is!
Other resources, and other issues
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Interesting that you are doing most of the task work...so the anger and resentment is coming around other issues, some of which I suspect you are uncovering in your therapy. And I'm delighted that you are recognizing that you (and your partner, for that matter) are impacted by the way your brain works when you are interpreting information, actions, motivations and the like. It's great to get to understand better some of the things about our own brains that we have previously taken for granted.
You asked about resources for professionals who understand the impact of ADHD, autism and other neurodiversity issues. I have actually recently started a consulting group to meet that need. You can find information on ADHDmarriage consulting here, and if you're interested, send in a contact form. Please mention that you posted (and your user name) so I have that info, too, when I review the inquiry.
Mi Melissa, I had just found
Submitted by milian on
Mi Melissa, I had just found your consulting group after I sent my last message when I was looking at your course.
I have just filled the form...
I would love to do the course, but practically i know that the chances of us completing the online version are slim, where as face to face consultations with accountability and discussion are really helpful and productive so I think your consultants could be a really positive step.
I had a look through their profiles and all look excellent so I would be very open to being given a recommendation if there is anyone that might be more suited, just to have an initial consultation with to see.
Will pick up consulting inquiry this week
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I pick up the inquiries each week, so you'll hear from me via email. I look forward to getting you set up with someone who can help.