Husband is on his 3rd Psychiatrist and 2nd therapists within a year. He meets the DSM-IV criteria for ADHD, and per my observation has little if any hyperactivity symptoms, but off the charts on Inattentive type. The Psychiatrist have use the typical DSM-IV questions and over all spent on average of 20 mins first visit and 15 per follow up visits. One of the Psychiatrist even told him... "I dont believe there is such thing as Adult ADHD, but am prescribing you vyvanse to help with your focus"
His therapist , whom he likes very much seems very focused on general life therapy- meaning he gets no help with ADHD related life skills or specific help ADHD strategies. We also went to a marriage councilor a couple of times, but again... no help on dealing with life and ADHD. The marriage councilor said "Until he gets ahold of his issues, there's nothing you can do. You need to focus on making yourself happy and finding your own world." ... It made me feel as if the marriage counselor didn't understand that my husband literally thinks differently than typical brains.
I've looked through the resources here on this site and see the nearest listed professionals are 3+ hours away. Part of me feels it would be worth it to have experts specific to ADHD, but the other part of me wonders how the heck we would manage continuous appointments 3+ hours away.
My biggest issue is you dont go to a General Surgeon, (no matter how good they are) when you have heart surgery- you go to a cardiologist.
- How many doctors have you had or gone through to help with ADHD?
- Have you/or partner had complete Neuro evaluation testing?
- How many travel for treatment?
- How do you find an ADHD focused doctor if none are listed on the ADD sites for your area?
Frustrated and fed up with the lack of professional help.
Counselor's comments....
Submitted by c ur self on
The marriage councilor said "Until he gets ahold of his issues, there's nothing you can do. You need to focus on making yourself happy and finding your own world." ... It made me feel as if the marriage counselor didn't understand that my husband literally thinks differently than typical brains....
This comment is 100% the one you needed to hear (IMO)....Every individual has to deal with their own issues....It doesn't matter that you and I are spouse's to these add/adhd minded people....No human has ever nor will never put the want to into the mind of another human....After all my years of marriage to my add wife....I learned that the only small positive impact I can have on my wife is when she observes me living a responsible and peaceful life....And knowing she can count of me to always love her, but, never enable her.....
Any other effort I have put into her life.....Trying to concern myself about her meds, her counselor's, her behaviors, her life choices.....ONLY speaks to her in this way...."Your broken"....The catch 22 w/ most of our spouses is.....They turn invalid easily, because of their lack of confidence, and because they give up on themselves after years of people like you and I making sure they know their broken....And even worse, we run interference for them (enable and mother)....It's always destructive...But we justify it, because of our own selfish desire to change them to better suit us.....
I suggest you take the counselor's advice...(I'm trying my best to do just that, and it's been freeing, and she has stepped up w/ her own self awareness) and turn your focus on your quality of life....Once you do that, you will be free, and you will observe the other adult product in your home.....And like it or not, it's not changing until it's his decision to do the work....Just like you and I.....
Blessings
c
Thank you for that, C. I will
Submitted by CptW (not verified) on
Thank you for that, C. I will definitely re-read and try and digest all you have said. Its really realy hard for me not to want to learn how to speak and act in a way that benefits my husband, and just move on to my own life.
My fear, (and his) is he's not finding the help (meds or skills) he needs to understand how to get the work done (or what the work is for that matter). For 51 years he's been staggering through life... and he wants help, but doesnt know how to get it or even evaluate if the help he is getting is actually helpful. ... Its hard knowing he can't sort through that process, and thinking that if I help him with it, Im enabling
Its all so very hard.. and as you say a catch 22 in so many instances.
Again, thank you... Im going to re-read your words again and really think about them.
Let me add (clarify) a thought....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Its really really hard for me not to want to learn how to speak and act in a way that benefits my husband, and just move on to my own life.)
Definitely!....Speaking and acting in way's that benefit your husband is admirable, and it's a good thing, and I agree whole heartedly....We just have to be sure that our words and actions are not prompted by dysfunction...But love!...If it's love, there want be any stress or (negative) heightened emotions...And it will be easily repeatable.....
There are many factors involved, and it's difficult to list them all in a post...(And be understood) Only you know if the dynamic between you two is one where two responsible adults can openly share life truths, personal struggles, etc......I hope so, but, more times than not there can be some chaos due to things like manipulation attempts, or the desire to control, justification of irresponsibility, and denial....Any time a person (adhd or not) refuses to calmly take ownership of their behaviors...Then communication effectively comes to and end...( You may talk at each other, point out, or argue, but calm communications isn't possible where there is a refusal by one or both to see ourselves....
Since my wife can become easily dependent on me...I have to make sure I speak warnings to myself...(Boundaries) .And, make sure she understands (speak it) that when I do something for her, it's always LOVE ONLY, that prompts my energy toward her....It's never because of her persistent desire to be carried (baled out) in times of chaos...Chaos is an automatic for her (most of the time) because she gives in to her mind...(want attempt to discipline, want learn new and better habits, etc.....I also break any patterns I may develop, that I see is causing her to turn dependent....I suggest you do what you do out of love, but, don't allow yourself to be put into intrusive situations where you feel used or manipulated for something he should easily be able to do, and would do, if you weren't in the picture.....Break any urges you may have to mother him....None of us learn to walk, if we aren't allowed to fall.....
You sound like an awesome wife!
blessings
c
Shortage of ADHD specialists
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I agree... in my area as well, there seems to be a huge shortage of ADHD-specialized support. The very odd specialist in my area focuses on children vs. adults. Very frustrating! I was wondering if you'd considered the option of telephone/remote counselling with a true ADHD specialist or ADHD coach. Many seem to offer that option. At least that would be a reasonable way to reach the best help. I absolutely agree that when a doctor or therapist does not understand ADHD, the advice just isn't all that helpful or the strategies impossible for someone with ADHD to actually implement.
I agree melody
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I think a coach is actually more helpful for the ADD partner. The ADD partner needs to learn new strategies for coping with his issues and managing his own life. Working with a coach was the one thing that helped my soon to be ex husband more than anything else. (Unfortunately he decided to quit using the strategies she taught him even though it was really making a positive difference in his life. Sigh)
Wow.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I was struck by the statement "I don't believe there is such thing as Adult ADHD, but am prescribing you vyvanse to help with your focus" from a Psychiatrist.
Adults can and do have ADHD. My Fiance is 52 and he has it....SMH.
This!
Submitted by Robina0877 on
I agree with previous poster!
My husband went to a psychiatrist several months ago and it annoyed me so much because she put him on Zoloft. For ADD???? She said she wanted to treat his depression first.
And I'm sorry there is such a thing as ADHD in adults!! You mean to tell me kids who have it just grow out of it as adults?! I don't think so!
So here's what I think
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Maybe your H has more of an issue with executive functioning than with ADD. My soon to be ex husband has severe executive functioning issues. He is not hyperactive and was diagnosed with ADD inattentive type. The psych prescribed Adderall which helped him focus better at work but it did not help at home. It wore off by 3 pm. He tried taking a 2nd smaller dose to get him through the afternoon/evening, but it kept him awake at night. So then he had an evaluation with a psychologist who specializes in executive functioning issues and she sent him to a coach who really helped him. She taught him a new system for managing his own life. It was wonderful at first but very soon he decided it was "too boring" and he quit using the system. I kept trying for a while to get him to use the system but he wouldn't so now I have given up on him. We've been married for 12 years and I am done. I moved out 3 weeks ago. I'm at peace. I'm sad but I feel so much lighter and happier now that I am no longer trying to manage his life and no longer trying and failing to persuade him to manage his own life. I hope things get better for you and your H! Have him try telecoaching. It is easier to find than in person coaching and often less expensive than seeing a psychiatrist. Not to mention more effective. Good luck!