We've been to loads of counselling and it does help but I'd rather avoid that right - mainly because the issue relates to sex and I really don't want to talk about that with another person in the room, we barely manage it with just us. I'm the (female) ADHD partner, freshly diagnosed & a bit relieved.
My husband stopped initiating sex aeons ago because I rejected him too often - not that I was aware of - and leaves it up to me. My perception is that if he initiated I was able to respond and enjoy it.
However, he wants me to initiate because I desire him, and not because I'm relaxed, have had a wine or two, or watched a romantic movie. So by the time I've analysed why I'm feeling frisky I've killed any desire.
There are times when I'd like to have sex with him, but when he walks in the room I don't get a surge of "take me now" and I find it completely absurd that he'd think that of me. It's much more likely that it would be a nice way to end a nice evening that we've had.
Any hints on how to start afresh, with him feeling ok about initiating? and ok about me having external libido lifters?
I've got one question, then I will share my thoughts....
Submitted by c ur self on
The first thing in your post that bothered me a little is this line.....(My husband stopped initiating sex aeons ago because I rejected him too often - not that I was aware of - and leaves it up to me.)
Are you saying you rejected him when he approached you for intercourse, and you were not even aware you were doing it? If that is the case, how does that happen? How does a a man or women have negative dialog, and be closed off when approached, and not recall it? From what you are saying here, it was something that had happened many times, or enough times to cause him to stop attempting it....
To me there is only one way to end this type of an issue....You and him must agree on a plan, and then both submit to the plan for intimacy...The things you posted here about being frisky and what makes you frisky is fine for one of you!....But it may not be fine for the other....See how that works...Ask your self this question....Why does husbands and wives have sex?....See, once you come to the realization that sex is about solving fleshly passion in him and in you, then you are starting to get your problem in submitting, and in initiating solved....He can't think or feel for you, and you can't think or feel for him....I can't tell my wife when it's OK for her to feel amorous....Nor her me....But I do know that I vowed to be the life time tool to extinguish her passion...as she did to me.....And before I would push her away, (deny her) I would leave her....
If you and him or on the same page about what you believe you can solve this....You must have the same convictions....
Many people don't believe in bible truths (I happen to) which makes it simple and clear... 1st Corinthians chapter 7 vs 3-5.... 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
But regardless of what you believe, it must be a unified decision, in order for you both to find contentment w/ marital intimacy....
c
Thanks for the reply
Submitted by late-to-the-party on
I rejected him in 2 ways:
While I would be unhappy if he watched porn and then tried to get it on, I'm not so naive as to expect that I'm the only thing that might get him revved up. There's a point in my cycle where I'm keen, nature's way of encouraging reproduction. That could be something to enjoy, to exploit the hormonal surge but it's become another reason to question desire and step back.
We're not religious and we definitely don't consider ourselves to have authority over the other's body but monogamy is important and unchallenged.
Book recommendation
Submitted by Stef G on
I would suggest you read "Restoring the Pleasure" by Clifford & Joyce Penner. This book is excellent and has a retraining process which begins with non-sexual touching (hand & foot tourching) and ends with sexual intercourse, The Penners are Christian sex therapists who are nationally recognized in their field. Not only did my hussband and I follow the steps in the book, we had phone counseling with the Penners who are based in Pasadena, CA. We were blessed to have a sex therapist trained by the Penners in the city where we live.
If you decided to reconsider counseling, I would strongly suggest it is with a sex therapist. I doubt anything you say would come as a surprise!
Dear Late,
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Dear Late,
I feel so bad for you. I give you a lot of credit for answering the question so clearly about how you rejected your husband without realizing it. It sounds like he is very insecure so I feel bad for him too, but his method of dealing with it strikes me as controlling and counter-productive. He can't micro-manage your sexuality! Or get in your head with you. Women's sexual desire is complicated. He should respect that and just go with the flow. I don't know how you fix the situation, but I recommend doing so as soon as you can before more damage has been done. I've had my sex life go out the window with two different men (one my current partner) and it doesn't come back. I've read stories from other couples who have repaired this breech, but I don't know how they do it - I suspect both people have to be willing to be vulnerable and patient with each other. Your husband has to be willing to try again to initiate, I think, and you need to try to be responsive. There's nothing wrong with you initiating too, but it shouldn't be on you to be the one to do so every time and if you do, he should be responsive and not question your motives. I think this is something for your counselor to help you with even though you said you don't want to talk about it with a third person. It's an area where people feel so vulnerable and "the magic" gets destroyed if you argue about it or over-analyze it. I really do feel for you and understand why it's so hard to solve this problem. I hope you find a way.
My husband (ADHD) and I have
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
My husband (ADHD) and I have had a similar situation. His ADHD makes it hard for him to notice when I am subtly initiating sex. I need to be more obvious or just say so if I want intimacy. It was difficult for me at first because I wanted him to initiate always but I realized that he is not wired the same as me. I had to stop taking things personally and ask for what I wanted. He was always very happy to oblige :-)