Hello people. I could do with some advice if people can give it. I have ADHD, I am in my late 30s and have been formally diagnosed for 20 months now. I take Ritalin as medication on slow release which helps immensely, when it is in my system.
I have increasingly been having arguments with my fiance. We have been together for 8 years now and engaged for 3. The arguments mostly start from practically nothing, she asks a question, and I interpret that question as though she is questioning if I did something correctly or queries why something did not happen as she expected. I immediately start feeling judged and respond in either a negative way or lie and start obfuscating. I seem to have lying down to a fine art and can spin quite a pretty tale; how ever my other half is extremly good at detecting this (8 years with me) and refuses to put up with me a) lying and b) trying to not accept responsibility for either something not going quite right or more usually for assuming she is accusing me by her questions. "Did you put the garbage out?" "Why did you leave the light off?" "What is that cardboard box doing in the study?"
These sort of questions are (mostly) answered sensibly by me when I am in a medicated time period, "No dear, I'll do it in 30 mins [I there and then set an alarm to remind me]." "I was just being lazy dear?" "I left it there to remind me to fill it with the paperwork this evening."
When I'm not on the medication or tired (or both) my responses are like, "Well it wasn't on my list of things to do this evening so I forgot!" "I though I could see ok in the dark for what I needed to do. It doesn't matter, why are you questioning my decision making?" "I'll move it ok! Right now dear [I stop doing something necessary to tidy away the box, and later forget to organise the paperwork]."
This causes arguments, often prolonged ones because until my cortisone and dopamine levels (I think) are raised enough by having the argument. I am *convinced* that I was actually accused of something in the questioning. My other half is quite a forthright woman and when she wants to accuse you of something there is no ambiguity about it (with me an other people) so please don't be thinking her questioning is some passive-aggressive thing
Some of the time my fiance notices what is happening and quells it by ignoring me and walking away from the argument (fairly soon after when the 'challenge' is removed I tend to concluded it's me who as the problem and I apologise) but other times she is so totally surprised that this doesn't happen.
I hate these arguments, they are hurting our relationship badly, and increasing in frequency and severity. Counseling is untenably expensive for us at the moment (saving for wedding) so if anyone has ay ideas it would be much appreciated.I am primarily interested in stuff *I* can do as my other half has show great flexibility in modifying other aspects of her life (household org. planning, finance management, never complaining about forgetfulness, etc...), asking her to bend over this would be a bit insulting.
your choice...
Submitted by esb on
There is a saying that you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to. Your fiance seems like she is overwhelmed and probably still adjusting to your diagnosis. Every spouse of a person with ADHD finds themselves nagging if they are not careful. You and she might benefit from sitting down and talking about the issues she feels most strongly about and make a deal that if she asks about those issues you will take them in stride. It would be difficult for me as an adult to have anyone ask me questions about why I left lights on or did or did not complete a project. I should be given the benefit of the doubt that I did my best if they were not completed. You might respond better to questions like, "Do you need some help taking out the trash?", "Did you have a busy day today?"... you have to work as a team. I would invest in a counselor... it is much less expensive than a divorce attorney.
We do talk about things a lot but...
Submitted by Jim Michaels on
We do talk about thinngs outside of arguments in a reasonable a productive manner.
For her the things she want's out of my relationship behaviour are:
a) When it is pointed out that I have done something incorrectly I take full responsibility recognition of the impact on her feelings without any attempt at deflection, obfuscation or placing blame on anything other than me.
b) No lying
c) No abject laziness not doing necessary tasks at weekend (she tends to work away over weekends)
d) Not to have to change her mannerisms of voice, cadence or speech patterns from what she grew up with [not really about me, more my acceptance of her].
I have stated that I want:
A) To not be blamed for behaviours related to my ADHD, ever.
We have discussed and successfully decided on many other things from finance management, kids (whether to have, how many), careers, living location, work/home life balance, political views, etc...
I am working on b) with moderate success and c) with good success, I have no problem with d) as I understand these are an expression of her culture (we come from very different cultural backgrounds) and we have spent quite some time making sure we both understand the underlying meaning beneath how things are naturally phrased by both of us because there <em>are</em> differences in meaning although the phrasing can be the same. e.g. questions for her are always posed without agenda for the answer, leading questions as a concept would be expressed with a leading statement then a question about whether it is true or not. This is not the same as UK and US culture.
Items a) and A) seem incompatible at the moment.
I need help....
Would you respond better if
Submitted by copingSAH on
Would you respond better if she asked in this way:
"The trash needs to go out,"
"The light needs to be left on,"
"The cardboard box belongs in xxxx."
What if she couched the words in a positive frame? In other words, if she reworded it in more neutral terms as if she's speaking to no one in particular so you do not fall into the defensive mode. I suspect most with AD/HD were blamed or confronted as children, and it caused some behavioral triggers (in addition to the ADD wiring).
When she uses the words "DID YOU", it makes you feel on the defensive and you go on the attack.
It's some kind of stimulus that happens to my ADD spouse too. We just had a spat where, out of concern, I asked "DO YOU think...?" Which immediately set off a series of attacks on me and our son. So I had to end the discussion. I didn't use any more words referring to HIM, I just said "This conversation needs to stop now." My spouse takes Adderall and I notice his OCD has increased considerably -- when I ask him if he feels the OCD is interferring, he admits to it, but cannot answer honestly if I word it in the negative ("DID YOU?" or "WHY DID YOU?")
i completely agree
Submitted by ladylamb on
with my adhd husband i never say YOU to him. i phrase my words very generally. as for fighting with my husband...i just walk away...........defuel instead of fuel.
i learned if i don't do certain chores he'll do it because nobody else will.
Hi Jim,
Submitted by Smokey on
Hi Jim,
I know this is difficult, but it sounds like you and your fiance are really dedicated to working on communication issues, so that's something to be really proud of! Don't sell yourself short.
I am in a very similar situation to yours, except I'm "forthright woman" in a very long-term relationship with an ADHD man. I relate very much to what you're saying. I always heard that defensiveness was damaging to relationship, but I did not fully understand this until I experienced being resented for asking a question! (Note: this understanding also helped me work on my own defensiveness, we all do it. I.e., "I'm not nagging, I'm asking!!" Right.)
I agree with Coping, there is something about that question that sets off my ADHD BF. He sees it as an attack or criticism, perhaps the comes from childhood school experiences, I have no idea. Here's how we're learning to communicate better (still a work in progress):
1. I say directly exactly what I need to say. Does your fiance really want to know why you left the light off, or is she letting you know that you did something incorrectly? When she's asking you if you took out the garbage, what she's really saying is, "I dont want you to forget to take out the garbage, so if you haven't done it yet, please do so now." Directness is key.
2. You're saying you're much more reasonable when you're Ritalin is still in your system -- could the two of you come up with an agreement on when (what time) it is and is not appropriate to bring up these types of issues? She can agree to respect your differences in functioning, and you can agree that all household tasks (taking out the garbage) have to be done before that time frame so she doesn't have to nag you when you're not going to process it well.
3. a certain amount of leeway and humor can go a long way. If I find Doritos in the freezer -- laugh about it. My BF came up with a system for organizing his office (possibly like your cardboard box) that I thought made absolutely no sense. But I let it go, if it works for him, then it works for me. Now, if that cardboard box was sitting there, unused, for days, that may be a different story (which could be addressed in the Ritalin-window of time).
4. Your part -- a little cognitive exercise -- before reacting to things, try to stop and repeat her words to yourself so you are sure you can remember the words themselves, not just the feeling they gave you. Then ask yourself "what do these words actually mean?" If you can't figure it out, ask her to state it another way, or to repeat herself. Tell her you're doing this cognitive exercise and ask her to have patience with you if you take a few seconds to answer. Remind yourself that she loves and cares about you and is not actually trying to attack you -- focus on comprehension. She may even be able to help you with this reminder: "I'm not criticizing you for not taking out the garbage, but I am wondering if it's done."
Give yourselves some credit, learning how to communicate is difficult for all couples, not just when ADHD is in the picture. In a lot of ways, these are essentially trust issues. You have to trust her not to criticize you, and she has to trust you to listen to her. I'm giving you all this advice but yet I still find myself, every once in a while, yelling at the top of my lungs "Listen to my words! I wasn't demanding that you cook me dinner! I just wanted to know if you were in the mood to cook tonight!!!!"
These things take time. Hang in there, and good luck!
We sound alike
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
Your post sounds very much like myself. Although I don't notice that I'm doing it and my husband constantly points it out to me. Unfortunately, I am often un-medicated at home - because I take my meds in the morning to get me through work and they are out of my system by the evening. Like another poster said, I believe with me at least, a lot of my "defensiveness" comes from the way my husband asks things. I admit I often get angry because he will ask me a question he already knows the answer to. "Did you do X when you got home from work like I asked you to?" when he can clearly see it hasn't been done. Those are the days it seems to me that he's just looking to pick a fight because he knows how I'll respond. On the days when he's in a better mood he'll say "Hey, did you forget to do X?" My response to that is usually "Oh, I did! I'm sorry, I'll do it right now!"
Because I was also diagnosed late in life, years of being blamed for things (that he thought I was intentionally doing) have put me on the defensive. I do try to work on that, especially when I can see he's not trying to be confrontational. Sometimes I have to hold my tongue because I can tell I'm getting defensive. I do have to say Kudos to your fiance for sometimes recognizing when you're having problems and walking away until you can compose your thoughts. That is something my husband hasn't been able to do.
I wish I had some grand advice for you. I do think it's something that both parties need to recognize and work on. If your fiance (and my husband) could work on the phrasing of the question I think it could avoid a lot of the defensiveness we read into it. But, those with ADHD are also known for being impulsive and not thinking before speaking. I also have issues with not saying things the way I mean to. My husband will often say "that's NOT what you said. You said X." The only thing I can say to that is "I'm sorry, that's not what I meant to say. It came out wrong."