My wife was very pleased and happy to find your book on ADHD & Marriage. She read it , and it made a lot of sense to her. ( It's was like she wrote the book her self ) she would say.We would read passages from the book as we read she would start crying describing this is exactly how she feels. As for some one who has been tested most of his younger life. I was no stranger to ADHD. All those PhD's never diagnosed me with ADHD, but after her eureka moment with your book and the circles that just go round and round on this subject I agreed to therapy and tests. Over 1k in Dr. bills and tests we got a inconclusive on my ADHD. I personally do not take any form of medication including aspirin .What I'm asking is how do I survive this marriage with your book thrown in my face and your emphasis on medication?
Not Melissa, but...
Submitted by laney on
What do you think is your wife's goal in reading this book and referring to it? Do you believe she is doing this to have something to throw in your face, or does she believe there is something in the book that reflects real problems in the marriage? Is it something in between?
What is your goal in therapy or tests? Do you think there are real problems in the marriage? If so, do you think they have anything to do with behaviors that are described in the book, regardless of your actual diagnosis? And if not, why go through with it?
could you have....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Inconclusive on ADHD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The reality is that it doesn't matter whether or not you have a label of ADHD, and I often find myself telling that to non-ADHD partners as they seek to have their partner 'get on the bandwagon' so to speak and 'take care' of the ADHD. What you wife is really asking you to do is take care of the relationship. It does not matter whether or not you do it from a perspective of ADHD or if you simply think "this relationship is not working well and I am partially responsible...time to do something about my part."
While I do think that medicine works well for many people as a way to manage ADHD symptoms (and the research supports this over and over again) it is not for everyone - and you might be one of those people. But that does not mean that you can't take on trying to manage ADHD (or ADHD-like) symptoms. Take a look at the chapter on treatment of ADHD here for lots of ideas...you can download it for free here.
If my book describes your relationship for your wife, then it's likely that at a minimum your relationship can be classified as "maladjusted" and probably "dysfunctional." With a few exceptions (such as spouse beating, drug addictions, etc) it typically takes two people to get to that place.
So my direct answer to your question is this - go back to your wife, and say something like this: "I hear that you are miserably unhappy in our relationship. While it's not clear whether or not I have ADHD, that's less important than our starting to work to put things back together between us. I would like to start talking with you about our relationship and what we can do better and start making a plan...one in which I am also trying to change things I do that are contributing to our problems."
She will be thrilled with this response (assuming you follow up on it). No medicine required.
P.S. Because your wife so relates to my book, you might consider signing up for my upcoming couples seminar by phone that starts Feb 17. It's information that could help you both - and in particular her - as she, too, starts to look at what she has contributed to your relationship issues. Rebuilding your relationship works best if you are both invested in it.
Yep
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"What you wife is really asking you to do is take care of the relationship."
I agree full-heartedly. As a Non ADHD spouse, I saw myself and our situation in many of the words on those pages, and thought, "Wow, maybe there is something here that can help."
Liz