This year I found out I have ADD and I'm 99% positive my husband has ADHD. I understand our 15+ years together now more than ever. I don't have resentment, but I do not have hope that things will change with a simple request/nag from me for him to work on these things. He does not really believe in the disorder and denies having it, or says if he does his symptoms are under control (not true).
While I still love him and we've built a lot of amazing memories over the years, and have our two kids, I realize I've put blinders on most of the time (maybe my ADD makes me forget things too fast?!). I've ignored his lack of helping with house chores, starting but not finishing projects, low income; hyperfocusing on computer, games and other things; preferring other things to making love; and what I hate the most, his daily angry outbursts at all sorts of minor frustrations, but most worrisome, at our kids. I cannot just keep ignoring.
I have learned a lot about my ADD, I accept I have it and I'm looking for ways to improve. But he is VERY stubborn. Says everyone has their personality, not everyone can be like me and I should accept him as he is. I've accepted his ways for 15+ years, but with kids 6 and 3, not so sure I'm just willing to put my blinders on anymore. I love him, but he needs to accept these issues and work on them.
I want to tell him to move out to work on getting a diagnosis and treatment and he will probably be shocked. I want to make it clear to him that I don't hate EVERYTHING about him. If you remove all the ADHD (and possible ODD) chaos, he is the person I am in love with, laugh with and enjoy being around with, supportive of our children, a loving father. But all this time I keep reminding myself of the good/nice, while completely dismissing/downplaying the bad. But the bad hurts when it happens and I cannot just put it away in a trunk anymore and fear that things may be getting worse.
WHAT should I tell him, HOW should I tell him about this? I'm better at writing, than actually TALKING about these things. I choke up and need time to think through questions which I'm sure he will have. Please help!
This fourm has lots of information
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Best2You,
Hello. I read through your post and understand your frustration. Your last sentence resonated with me quite clearly: I'm better at writing, than actually TALKING about these things. I choke up and need time to think through questions which I'm sure he will have.
I have been sorting-out my married life, with help from this forum, for the past 4 years. Poor communication patterns with my ADHD spouse have been extremely difficult to alter.
I am sorting through the decisions that are hard - slowly and with much wisdom and diligence - as I do not want to do anything in anger, or hurt my spouse - while at the same time discern if he is the man that fulfills my hopes/dreams/needs/wants/expectation for a life partner.
I myself have made many mistakes - usually in the form of being too helpful and too blind to poor behavior. There are some deeply ingrained patterns that just no longer work for me. I AM willing to work hard, but am no longer willing to pull the full cart alone. No, I cannot just try to justify his behavior, and figure out how to accept what is unacceptable.
I hope you find here the sort of help you need.
Thee are many wise people here. Keep reading.
Liz
My expectations for a life partner
Submitted by Best2You on
Thanks, I'm so Exhausted! I've visited this forum since early this year, but did not post until now. Reading all the stories opened up my eyes to what ADHD means for adults. Since we met I just thought it was just his personality.
From your reply, this really got me thinking "discern if he is the man that fulfills my hopes/dreams/needs/wants/expectation for a life partner." What a great question!!! I haven't really thought of this probably since we got married. At that time I thought he would be a great, hard-working partner. Once married, I just figured he was not perfect but since no one is perfect, I would just deal with his "bad" qualities. I will keep giving this some thought...
The other thing is I've suffered from anxiety always and worry about things a lot. I'm scared to separate and/or divorce. I make the bulk of our income so that is not an issue, but ... l think what if I regret the decision afterwards and if I will be ruining the good things from our relationship, or how it will affect the kids. We've worked hard together to improve things for our child with issues, and I don't want to change that. They love him but get scared/hurt each time he has one of his angry outbursts when he gets frustrated--- almost, if not, daily.
Like I said in the original post, I know I can't just continue to brush the bad things (ADHD issues) aside anymore since they affect us on a daily basis. Some posts from people with older children who wish they had taken the step sooner have struck with me also. I think...will that be me in the future, will his outbursts and overreactions have an impact on the kids in the long run? This is the one thing I cannot deal with. The little ones deserve the best from both of us.
It's hard. He's been the main relationship in my life, we began dating when I was like nineteen, so I need to get guts to go through with the separation. I will continue to read around and come to a conclusion. Thanks again!
Best2You
Submitted by sunlight on
Hi Best2You,
I'm not sure there's any easy way to tell anyone you want a separation. But I think a couple of questions are:
"I want to tell him to move out to work on getting a diagnosis and treatment and he will probably be shocked."
I think you are saying that he has no inkling that this might be coming and no real suspicion that you are this unhappy. If so then you would have to prepare for the worst case and an angry scene - make sure the kids are not around to witness it (be aware that might backfire against you later if he ends up in court accusing you of taking them away so think carefully how to present it and where they should be) and make sure someone else is either present or expecting to hear from you by a certain time that you're okay. You also said:
"I want to make it clear to him that I don't hate EVERYTHING about him."
If he is going to be surprised by the separation idea then, if he flips immediately into overload and anger, he may not be in the mood at all to hear anything. Maybe you put something like that in a note for later perusal. But really, you know him best, so the first question is - how do you think he will react?
Second question - have you covered your legal bases here, ie considerations such as who owns the house and how easy it will be for you to ask him to leave and get him out if he doesn't go nicely? What if he refuses and says that you should go? In this case he might think of using your ADD diagnosis against you (ie the issues are all with you) and try to get the house and the kids since 'there isn't anything wrong with him'. I'd recommend discussing all this with a lawyer where you live and not relying on the internet (and - yes, if he finds out that you did consult a lawyer it probably won't help matters in the short term since he might leap to the conclusion that you've been planning to blindside him).
Just my 2 cents.
Thanks for the advise
Submitted by Best2You on
Thanks for the advise sunlight.
You bring up some very good points. I had already thought about doing it when kids were not at home, but I guess in my head I did not picture an angry scene. I need to consider that. You are right about the not being the right time to say "don't hate everything about you..." Will need to think about that too. And NO I have not covered my legal bases! In my head I just pictured him being sad but being ok about leaving the home. I make most of our income so I just thought the house is mine, he can keep the car, can visit the children, I was going to offer to pay for him for a place to stay, until he transitions...etc. Thank you for pointing out that things are not necessarily going to play out like that! It's a lot to think about and I still struggle wondering if it is the right decision.
Thanks again!
Adding something..
Submitted by sunlight on
Hi Best2You,
I meant to include another point in my earlier reply - I'm sorry to be adding to your plate but something leaped out at me from one of your earlier posts: you mention that your children may be showing signs of ADD/ADHD. If you do ultimately decide to separate please consider how this can be presented to the kids. As they grow they will undoubtedly learn about ADD/ADHD, and if they feel that their parents separated *because of* or partly *because of* ADD/ADHD then they may start to feel that if they have ADD/ADHD that the same thing will happen to them. For example, imagine a confused child saying - "You separated from dad because he has ADHD and I have it too so are you going to leave me? And nobody will ever want me.." etc.
I'm not suggesting you panic, just be aware that the kids are probably more aware of what is going on than you might think (my non-ADHD experience was that my kids were always at least 2 steps ahead of where I thought they were). On the bright side, if they are showing definite signs then getting them evaluated might allow a chance to break the cycle of untreated ADHD continuing down the generations (it sounds possible that at least one of your husband's parents may have it). Additionally approaching your husband from the point of view of getting the best outlook for the children might be another way ultimately through his denial. I know that you have a great deal to think about right now, but sooner or later these issues may come up and thinking through the possibilities and options now can only be a good thing rather than find yourself fighting fires later. Good luck.
Thanks for calling this out
Submitted by Best2You on
Thanks for calling this out. It IS important to keep in mind for sure for the kids. I feel that with both of us having ADHD it does make things more difficult, just as I feel I am forced to act non-ADHD to keep things flowing for our family, I was thinking he's probably playing a non-ADHD role too at times with my forgetfulness or last-minute things. I myself have started thinking what you mentioned, relationships don't work out when ADHD is involved ... so I can definitely see kids thinking that too!
To make matters more complicated I've realized my mother has symptoms of it (no wonder I have it!). I think it explains many things about our relationship over the years. We can be so close, yet at some moments we are like oil and water! No wonder! Wish all in my family would have known and done something about it earlier!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts sunlight!
Hello Best2you...How do we get our feelings into another heart?
Submitted by c ur self on
So your story is 15 years of failed communication, just like many of us who are married....
If I was you're husband...who was in a state of denial about you're feelings as many of us spouses who live in our own minds are and can be...I would wont to be brought to the place I could absolutely hear you!...So, because you continue to experience the same things most all of us do on this forum, a person with whom our efforts of communication are met with defensiveness, as soon as we start communicating how our view and experience of living with them has made us determine that their living of life is not satisfactory to us! :)...So, no matter how you spin it ( intrusive life style, irresponsibility, lacking commonality, no accountability, lack of concern, refusal to recognize you're and the children's needs aren't being met from his poor efforts as a husband and Father) he will have to come face to face with himself for any changes to be made in his way of living life. And even then, he will have to decide for himself, that you are right, he has things about himself that really needs to change.
So then I would want you (the poor speaker, like many of us can be due the nature of what needs communicated, if nothing else) to copy and paste your original post here onto an a word document and kindly deliver it to me...And just say I love you, but, this is where I am...Please read this and think about it, pray about it...
Step 2 for me, would be a third party professional counselor, if I got no positive results from the post....
Step 3 for me would be a legal separation possibly to allow him, and I time to decide what is truly important in this life...
Merry Christmas and Blessing to you and you're family!
Wow, c ur self, thanks for
Submitted by Best2You on
Wow, c ur self, thanks for the incredible advise!
I really like how you turned things around to figure out what might be his point of view. I've thought about this a lot for the last few days, and had also come to the conclusion that a letter might work better. I actually did that early on in our relationship to deal with a few issues. It worked well because it allowed him to digest the info before actually talking to me, and I did not have to witness his fight-flight response, if there was one. I remember him asking why I wrote it instead of actually talking, and I told him for me it was just easier that way, and we did talk. For a while things improved as many people in this forum report every now and then, but it didn't last. I think that is the ADHD though. If you don't keep at the strategies, efforts, the whys, etc. they are forgotten!
I like the counselor advise and the legal separation ideas also. Your recommendations aren't as drastic as what originally had in mind and are definitely good options to consider!
Again, thanks for the advise! Merry Christmas and blessing to you and you family as well!
Your marriage is important,
Submitted by c ur self on
Your marriage is important, and the 15 years you've invested is worth salvaging if at all possible...You're precious children need their Father. Hopefully he will work with you...Humility and self-awareness can come slowly...Pride and denial are tough nuts....
I really like the letter much better also...Something that important does not need to be effected by up and down emotions, misunderstandings, anger and interruptions. When it's in writing it also rules out the biggy....You never said that!
Remember this one thing, I use it to keep myself accountable, and free from expectations: If it ends...I do not have to be angry, bitter or have any negative emotions for that to happen....As a matter of fact I can still love her with my whole heart while helping her pack.
I can control no one, If unconditional love and acceptance and making my best efforts to be an example of a responsible adult doesn't help her to face reality, then I am powerless.
c ur self
Submitted by Best2You on
c ur self
In thinking of giving this one more try... I've come up with some pointers for a letter. I want to keep it neutral/non critical, encouraging and letting him know that I appreciate the good times we've had, but there are some things we need to start working on now for the sake of our relationship. I hope this will help to deflect the defensiveness and get him to at least consider what I will be addressing.
Some of the pointers are:
This may work ... at least we could have a conversation.... what do you think?
A few thought Best2you....
Submitted by c ur self on
I like the letter...But I would probably start off w/ an apology for how you have gotten caught up in the emotions of the Act/React cycle in the past, and ask him for his forgiveness...Then I would tell him what you need in the marriage going forward...Bullet point 5...then I would address the type Mother and Father you feel is vital for you're precious children Bullet point 2.
Then I would intermingle the other 3 bullet points and address them as these are a few things I feel we have done poorly, and I know we can do better, if we just agree together as the One Flesh,,,God has blessed us to be...Then I would just address the issues of finance, counseling and seeking to gain knowledge to better understand some the sufferings we have went through based on our reactions to life issues, and each other....
I think you are on the right path B2U.....You've got to get your love right first, it will make the other things less important, and easier.
Also, we all are human, so we all can forget, we all can have bad days...So, be careful about Plans, Rules and Expectations...Because if I'm not careful I will write a nice set of rules for my wife...But, when I screw up...I want Grace and Forgiveness for myself :(
So, just keep it real, don't be afraid to puke up your own pride, regardless of how much suffering you have done....He did not ask for his ADHD...And, just like my wife's it's not going away....you already know what is not going to work...But the wonderful thing about it is, the more I've been healed of bitterness and blame, the more I can find acceptance vs..expectations for her... And believe this when I tell you, the more I am at peace, and the more I just walk away from poor behavior, (instead of being a threat) the more she holds herself accountable. If you need boundaries and most who deal w/an add spouse does to keep respect for each others rights as a human being intact...Because of no commonality...
You will get there, w/ Love and Patients....
Just my thoughts...From your OCD friend who as found out the hard way...Love and peace or so worth putting up w/ a mess:)
I asked my beautiful Add wife once after we had been married a year or so, if she would meet me half way with the cleaning and cooking etc....I never will forget...She just starred at me, and slowly crossed the kitchen to where I was standing...And said: That's your gift, not mine...I just said GIFT ITS SURVIVAL....LOL...God is good!
Things are better, we both have adapted and grown....Thankfully:)
This has gotten busy...I'm sorry:(
Great ideas
Submitted by Best2You on
Thanks again for the great ideas, c ur self. The order you suggest for the bullet points makes perfect sense as does the initial apology to soften things up. You are also right about the bad days for rules and expectations for all. I'm not perfect by any means. That's a funny story about "your gift". I kind of agree with her that people are better at certain things than others, but when you share a household both should try to make an effort to HELP each other.
I honestly don't know what to do with my plan. I still think the letter is a good idea and that will be my approach. It's just so confusing, one day we talk and get along great, then the next he has an angry outburst and I just want disappear. Such a rollercoaster ride!
I've read a lot of information online about ADHD, but have not read a book yet. Yesterday I looked and it seems like Is it You Me or ADHD? may be a good choice. I read a few pages through the Amazon site and saw some good things in there that might help. Maybe I can get him to read it...
Again, thanks for your great ideas! Have a great day!
The best "in-a-nutshell" description I have ever read
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
c ur self,
This is it. Perfectly said. I am thinking many of us here can start out our story with: My ADHD spouse is
" a person with whom our efforts of communication are met with defensiveness, as soon as we start communicating how our view and experience of living with them has made us determine that their living of life is not satisfactory to us! :)...So, no matter how you spin it ( intrusive life style, irresponsibility, lacking commonality, no accountability, lack of concern, refusal to recognize you're and the children's needs aren't being met from his poor efforts as a husband and Father) he will have to come face to face with himself for any changes to be made in his way of living life. And even then, he will have to decide for himself, that you are right, he has things about himself that really needs to change."
Wow. Really. Just wow.
Liz
I Wholeheartedly Agree!! Awsome Description!
Submitted by kellyj on
"he will have to come face to face with himself for any changes to be made in his way of living life. And even then, he will have to decide for himself, that you are right, he has things about himself that really needs to change."
C Ur Self just condensed this down to the very heart of every issue that faces everyone involved in every post made to this forum. The last thing I want to do is dilute this or defend against this statement in any way but If I may.....I'd like to take this beautifully said statement one step further and add to it without taking sides which will be a challenge ( without being defensive! ha ha ) I'll do my best here:)
If he cannot come to this realization nothing will change for him no matter who he is with or where he goes in life and he will continue to experience the same. If he can't see that the very thing that is validating his own defensiveness and is the very thing that perpetuates his own misconception of it.... then he will never stop being defensive from it and the never ending cycle will remain unbroken. Something has to happen to break this cycle...that's what needed to move beyond it.
This is the place where I see most people are in this forum..........stuck. The only reason I can see this is that I've moved passed it to the next step in this process. My job now is learning not be defensive and it doesn't come easy. I have to learn how to undo a lifetime of being this way and find all the ways that I do this. I've come to realize in a sobering way that at times it seeps out of my pores whether I know it or not. That's a difficult proposition for anyone to suddenly stop all at once even in the face of this fact saying, even after they see this part too.......I'd say damn near impossible.
My therapist has given me one simple homework assignment to practice on a daily basis.........." don't be defensive even in the face of nothing changing in your own experience with anyone else...period. Do not make (not being defensive)....... contingent on ANYTHING anyone else says or does."
That's the challenge and it's the most difficult challenge that I have ever had to face in a lifetime of challenges. The only way I've been able to do this was to make this decision to do it......and then do it. There appears to be no other way.
One of my favorite scenes from Star Wars.....I know it's a just silly movie but George Lucas had the right concept regardless :)
Luke: All right, I'll give it a try.
Yoda: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.
Luke: I don't, I don't believe it !
Yoda: That is why you fail.
Whatever it takes right? lol
J
PS I almost went back an edited this by removing my comment "damn near impossible" as it was defensive. I realized this after the fact but decided to leave it in anyway:)