Wondering what solutions any of you have. I have been married for almost 18 years and I am so tired of being 'in trouble' with my ADHD husband. Every time he gets aggravated, annoyed, frustrated he blames whoever could be responsible and it is usually me, and often our kids. We have several children from teens to preschooler.
He had has anger issues his whole life - his dad did too and it is the reason he is twice divorced. His parents got divorced while he was in high school. Between his very emotional ADHD and the wounds from his upbringing I am completely spent dealing with him. I have recently been asking him to try Celexa after researching that is the next step in treatment after stimulant meds, which he does take after years of resisting, and he initially said absolutely not. I have told him that I take SSRI's just to reduce anything I do that sets him off and that it is not fair that I take them for him and he won't for me, so maybe I'll stop. But why not try them for a month and see if we fight less, if he feels happier? He said his appointment is in May.
But until then, we are on a family vacation, and every day he gets exasperated about some mistake I make. I forgot where our car was in the parking lot for 5 minutes and he was beyond irritated and let me know. I booked lunch reservations and he didn't want to stop our time in an amusement park and complained for the hour leading up to it, while we ate, and the hour after. The problem is all this walking on egg shells impact how I am to my kids. They don't always see the ways he chastises me. Worse though are the times they do. My older kids now speak openly about how he is being such a loser about stuff and can't let anything go. He feels his responses are perfectly reasonable and the problem is with me.
I woke up today knowing I am going to do something 'wrong' today and it is just a waiting game until I do it. Everything has to be his way and there is no 'laid back' approach to life ever. I walk on egg shells all the time. I read on these forums that people who have set up coping mechanisms for their adhd can't handle when anything is out of their control and that sums it up pretty well. It has massively impacted my life, sense of self to live like this. I am trying to do healing work with my therapist and read every book I can get my hands on, but I am at my wits end. How to you put up a boundary with this type of behavior? And how to I ignore him getting mad at me so I stay positive for my kids? Thank you.
Doing something "wrong"
Submitted by Sunflowers4me on
"He feels his responses are perfectly reasonable and the problem is with me." You summed up my interactions with my husband when he is angry, so I wanted to first of all say that you are not alone!
I tried everything I knew but was constantly doing something "wrong" so I relate to what you are saying. I think that working on yourself is the most important thing, and you are doing that. Keep doing that. For my part, it has helped immensely to focus on myself instead of my husband. He's now just another member of the family, not the sun that everyone must orbit around, while walking on eggshells.
I don't have any recommendations as far as boundaries go, but recently observed that when I accepted that no matter what I did my husband was bound to take issue with at least some aspect of it, things got better for me. I stopped the cycle of dread/walking on eggshells that you describe. There is no more waiting to see what is going to trigger some anger or snarky comment. I now ignore the snarky comments and if he progresses to anger then I focus on staying calm and focus on breathing, etc. If I feel myself getting upset, I request that we continue the "discussion" later. Also, I stopped trying to defend or explain myself as that rarely helped the situation and often ended up being perceived as an attack or criticism.
Mindfulness, meditation, yoga, and therapy have all helped me. You don't have to pull off superhuman levels of positivity to counteract the effects of his anger on the family. You are human and will make mistakes, but your kids will see you doing your best and that is what matters.
Thank you
Submitted by Sunshine76 on
Thank you so much you have been just where I am and I appreciate you sharing so much. I will try to just live my life but the problem is he really feels it and is having a hard time with the space that I am taking even though I am trying to be as conflict free as possible. And I said to the other person who commented how do you handle the hurt & broken trust that they can hurt you that many times and not acknowledge it or try to do anything to stop hurting you? That is my current dilemma, maybe time & space help that?
One word: acceptance
Submitted by Sunflowers4me on
"how do you handle the hurt & broken trust that they can hurt you that many times and not acknowledge it"
Before people jump all over me, let me be clear in my meaning of acceptance. People act how they act. That doesn't mean it is ok. But you can drive yourself crazy trying to understand why they treat you like they do. For me, it is an ongoing process involving grief and personal growth. But the turning point, where I started to feel like I was seeing things more clearly was when I really stopped wanting or hoping he would acknowledge my feelings. If he does something kind, it's a nice surprise. And he does sometimes, as long as it doesn't cost him too much. But if he's dismissive or rude, that's not a surprise. And it's a reflection of how he sees the world; it has no bearing whatsoever on my worth as a human being.
Also, please know I'm still in the midst of this. There are times I go off and cry about something he said. But I'm definitely in a better place and have many more good days since I accepted that he is who he is.
I've been there w/ my wife....
Submitted by c ur self on
You are right about boundaries...You like I was wanting something that is not available...If you could just step away from him for a few months...(No complaining, No blaming, No eggshells, etc) You would be able to SEE what you must do, what boundaries must be in place, for you to have a more peaceful and normal life....I'm not saying step away, I'm just saying being locked in the reality day to day you are locked into...His behaviors, and your responses....It's so difficult to SEE how to fix the eggshells etc.....
Here is a few tips that I had to come face to face with, that really helped our situation....1) You must stand up for yourself...or the eggshells will not go away....2) You must set boundaries in many area's of life....When it comes to negative emotions and anger, you MUST not engage it or respond to it....You will find (sounds like you are already there) yourself apologizing to him, for the conflict he starts, just in hopes it will settle/calm him down....It's gaslighting!
A self absorbed mind who's priorities will most always lean toward excitement, thrill seeking selfishness etc... will always blame others for interrupting their good times....My wife is the same, and I use to be right where you are before I put the brakes on myself....You are doing things with him, like he is normal....Your husband, like my wife, and many many more who's spouses come to this site looking for advice, and a little understanding can't live without boundaries, or it's the same daily hell you are being subjected to....You must realize, just like we all do....Boundaries are not placed on ourselves and them, because we don't love them, but, because we do...
See, you and I bring sanity to their lives....We adapt to their child minds, we are the one's who are looking after the adult responsibilities...You: set up lunch....He: fused and complained like a child because the family had to stop long enough for a meal...When you allow him to fuse and complain and belittle you in front of the kids who have child minds, you will end up being the bad guy....
Ask yourself this question....What is possible for us to share in without anger, conflict and huge difference's ruining the day, and our time together???
Once you start putting boundaries into place your life, (and stand up for yourself), your life will change dramatically for the better...It want happen over night, because he will do all he can to tell you how stupid your being...He, like my wife will hate boundaries....Why? Because when we allow ourselves to be used, and disrespected, and still enable them, still be the responsible party...They have us right where they want us...Their lives are the only one's that matter....Have you noticed how sweet he can be, and how awesome you are, when he is getting his way??....Self absorbed minds have to control and manipulate others, or they are miserable...Everyone has a problem but them...
Take a breathe....I hope you will find a good reputable counselor to go to alone....You need emotional healing...Remember this....Marriages are always suppose to be two people vowed together responsibly as one flesh...Filled with love, and sharing...Respect and calmness and both sharing in the day to day work of the relationship... This is not possible for many of us...But, with boundaries, we can find what is possible....
bless you
c
Very helpful
Submitted by Sunshine76 on
Thank you c, this was very helpful and amazingly insightful. Sounds like our spouses are very similar. The pleasure seeking is also a huge issue for us as skiing dominates his mind, our time and our resources.
I am taking a step back as you said. I think the biggest problem is the hurt & lack of trust. If they have hurt you that many times and won't acknowledge or do anything to improve the chances that they won't hurt you again, there is no trust. How do you get around that? I just can't sweep it under the rug anymore. Or does taking time with very good boundaries help? Thank you.
Trust...
Submitted by c ur self on
Actually, trust is something that is earned...Most self absorbed minded people make it hard to trust....I can love her, but, that doesn't mean I trust her (in many ways)...In our case, most of the turmoil in my spirit early in our marriage came from this one fact....She seemed to have walked away from the alter (14 years ago) and went right on living like she had not taken a vow at all...(To me!, this was my reality and how I viewed it, looking back, it was mostly because of her inability to manage time, and distraction, her Independence, self-absorbed mind, just somewhat selfish in general. (life is about me and my desires) ...I loved closeness, and she had no desire or ability to give herself in a way that mirrored anything I was use to day to day, (30 year marriage before her, I was a widower) so I was a basket case, and felt abandoned most of the time....I know now, that I can trust her in way's that I could not get to in my own heart early on in our marriage...Mostly because of her inability to own her reality, and add at level I did not know existed...The more I show grace, the more I walk away, and confront her with and through boundaries, instead of anger and emotion, the more she has humbled, the more she see's herself...She has proved to me, that she want's us to be happy, and together...I've left the door open to leave, or for her to leave for many years now...I told her if we can't find a peaceful place day to day, of love and togetherness, with ownership of our behaviors...We should go our own ways..I told her I love and care about her, and want her to be happy...Being negative about marriage, and our simple responsibilities to it, and each other, isn't a happy life....To her credit, she has become more communicative, improved in ownership, and less combative to our roles in general...She has moved way from denial and blame to a large degree....Which makes her much more endearing to me....Does she still have high level add that leaves me shaking my head most days...You betcha! :)
Add minds like my wife's, will mirror behaviors to a great degree....She may not like certain boundaries, but, if I am calm, and peaceful, she will mirror that to a degree....If I am anxious, and showing frustration...She will mirror that, and try to top it...LOL....
My hurts have been from her irresponsibility to our marriage, and life in general over the years...My wife is a happy child like person, who loves our children and grand children. Is a faithful friend to her friends....I don't think she has ever been unfaithful sexually. She just gets lost in her own mind often...I have learned so much about her suffering, a lot of time it's very intrusive on a spouse, but, it's just who she is....whether I was here or not....
This is where many of us have difference's....It's the other things besides the add/adhd, that is different about everyone with it.......What is in a person's heart?...What is their personality?...Or they believer's, or not? I wish you well in your marriage and life Sunshine!
Prayers!
c
Every day
Submitted by Behindthecurtain on
You just described my life nearly every day. Husband has not been diagnosed, and I have ADHD inattentive. Just started on medication recently, I'm in my 60's and we've been married almost 40 years. He won't see a therapist, is highly reluctant to take meds for any reason. I'm at my wits end with him, it's impossible to relax around him. Boundaries? Those are for other people. He must have my attention almost 100% of the time. I strongly believe he has one or more co-morbid disorders as well. Depression, anxiety, borderline...he's very complex. I also do not know what do beyond what you have articulated so well. Nothing I do is good enough. He lives only to DO, not BE. We are heading for divorce soon if he refuses to change anything about his behavior. I've read books, listened to podcasts, bought materials, been in therapy, couples counseling. He manages to charm the therapists, and mocks my educational efforts. I'm hoping the materials on this site can help me cope in a healthy way. I'm sorry I don't have a good answer for your situation, but I'm writing just to let you know you're not alone.