Husband Newly Diagnosed

have you given up?

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 03/29/2008 - 14:58

Dear flw44, You should know that I am writing as a married woman and as someone who was diagnosed with ADD about a year and a half ago, so you can put my comments in some kind of context. I have been on medication for most of that time for both depression and ADD, in addition to counseling. The reason for asking if you've already given up is that putting all the responsibility for initiating marital counseling on your husband is pretty much a way of setting yourself up with an excuse to end the marriage. If you have decided that you are done trying, which I am not judging at all, then maybe you should just end things where they stand. I say this for a couple of reasons. First, it sounds like your husband is avoiding dealing with relationship issues. If this is the case, he will avoid setting up marital counseling in the same way. A major characteristic of ADD is avoiding unpleasant activities and only putting effort into things that are immediately rewarding/satisfying. The thought of marital counseling can be intimidating, especially if your relationship has been on the rocks for a few years already. If you have been depressed and withdrawn, the uncertainty of not knowing how you really feel, in addition to the guilt he is most likely feeling about the role he has played, will (opposite from what might intuitively make sense to another person) give him/his brain more reason to avoid the unpleasant situation. All of this does not necessarily mean that he does not love you or that he does not want to continue your relationship. Many times it is difficult to separate out what is ADD and what is not. In the end, it can be impossible and something that only he could tell you. My second reason for saying all of this is that, in my experience, a person will not initiate counseling unless they want therapy and are ready to do the work. If your husband either is not willing to do the personal work or has given up on the relationship for his own reasons, marital therapy is never going to happen. If you feel that he still wants to work on the relationship, and if YOU still want to work on your relationship, then my advise is don't put all the balls in his court. Although a marriage can be ended by one person, it does take 2 (2 hard working, committed people) to make it work and/or to bring it back from the brink. I want to add a disclaimer. I, obviously, am only seeing a tiny sliver of your situation from your description above. Marriages are complex enough without adding ADD (on his part), and depression and severe illness (on your part), to the mix. AND...please understand that what I have written regarding ADD is only to explain the general ADD experience a little more, since it can be so difficult for the non-ADD spouse to understand. I am, by no means, making any judgement regarding who is to blame or where you should go from here. My final comment is to ask if you are getting treated for your depression? Cancer and a barely-functioning marriage are a lot for any person to deal with. Having never had to face such a serious disease, I can't even imagine how much more difficult that makes your situation. I have been dealing with depression on and off all of my life but only recently sought out professional help. I can't tell you how important it has been for me to acknowledge the seriousness of my depression and to really work on getting control over it. Having said that, I think you have every right to feel slighted by the lack of support from your husband. I feel for both of you as you struggle to climb out of the safety of your isolation from each other. All my life I heard that marriage was "a lot of hard work". People can say that until they are blue in the face but we never understand until we actually go through it ourselves, huh? For many years, I worried that my marriage was never going to make it. Now, after almost 9 years (my grandparents have been married for over 50 yrs - WOW!), I'm just beginning to accept and understand what "a lot of hard work means" and how easily it can all fall apart. My heart goes out to you both.

First, Take Care of Yourself

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Sun, 03/30/2008 - 15:40

You are carrying a heavy burden and, like the person who also commented here, my heart goes out to you.

You don't give too much account of your cancer, other than to say that it is advanced. My limited understanding of the connections between your mind and your body lead me to believe that you will be best served by not dealing with your marital issues right at this point. Here's why:

marriage counselling, even under the best of circumstances, is very stressful. But stress releases toxins in your body that will likely not help you recover from your cancer.
your relationship (at least in terms of support) with your husband sounds as if it has been more theoretical than real in the past - you were forced to the sofa, and he is already becoming emotionally involved with other women, at least electronically (never a good sign, though not the end of the world, either). Also, you mention that your husband didn't know why you left, only that you left - this suggests that you did not/do not have good communication skills as a couple.

The first thing that you will need to do, NO MATTER WHAT, is forgive the past that the two of you have shared, and accept that he is who he is (and you are who you are). You can do that now, leave the marriage alone for a while and focus on improving your health, THEN go back and work on things with him. Or, you can choose to take on the monumental task of both dealing with your health and your marriage. (to me, this would be too much, but this is your decision, not mine).

If he has agreed, at least verbally, to work on the marriage, you might ask him if he would be willing to put things on hold for a year or so (whatever time table makes sense) until you are better, then work together on your issues. Work out with him what you are expecting during this hiatus and what the boundaries are - for example, if you expect him to visit you a certain amount and whether or not physical relationships with other people are okay or not. You may find out that your husband will be more willing to support you if he doesn't feel that a large part of the burden falls on him (or he may just wander off if allowed to...it's hard to tell, but then you have to ask yourself if you wish to "bind" someone to you who doesn't wish to be there of his own accord...) It is my experience with my own husband that as soon as I really accepted him for who he is (that is, stopped criticizing him for not being someone else) then he found it much more pleasurable to be with me...and instead of avoiding me he started to want to spend time with me more.

There is a good book available that might help you set up some boundaries if you decide to move in the direction of taking a break from each other, called "Should I Stay or Go?" by Lee Raffel. In it, she talks about the concept of the "Controlled Separation" and makes a good case for talking about what you and your spouse want and need, and how to develop a plan that supports you both while you work through the question of whether or not to stay together.

What you need right now as you deal with your cancer, above all else, is LOVE and support. You don't have to get that from your husband. In fact, you may not be able to get it from your husband whether you want to or not and trying to force him to focus on you will make you angry, frustrated, hurt and CRAZY! Think about getting the support you need from friends, your daughter or other children, siblings, neighbors...there are many people out there who can warm up your life. And definitely pay attention to that depression and make sure you are getting full treatment for it.

As a completely different tactic, you might (also) ask one of his relatives, if you are close to them, to talk with him about the importance of emotional support in cancer recovery.

No matter which direction you decide to take, stay away from returning to mothering your spouse. This will most certainly lead to the dissolution of your relationship.

Melissa Orlov

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have you given up?

First, Take Care of Yourself