Both my wife and I have adhd and have been struggling in our marriage with the difficulties that we each create for years. These problems keep escalating each time we have had a new child, especially when she got post partum depression with our last one. We have been going to counseling but we won't be able to go back for 3 weeks due to scheduling conflicts. Found the book that lead me to this forum a few days ago and figured I would seek some help here too.
For the past 2 to 3 weeks I have been finding it harder and harder to talk to my wife about the things that really matter. Like the type of things that really open myself up and are important to me. I have tried to pull apart the emotions on my side and there is a weird new fear and anxiety that stops me from opening up emotionally. I can't locate an event that caused it in my recent memory. But I also don't seem to be able to force out the words to start conversations I want to have.
Has anyone else encountered anything like this? If so what did you do?
I've experienced this w/ my wife....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm pretty sure we both have adhd, I've never been diagnosed, she has, and takes adderall daily (when she deems it important, or don't forget it) especially to focus on her job....I'm more of a high level performer in most area's of life, she is just the opposite,,. (unless she is pursuing frivolity, or what she deems as a good time, then she will wear herself completely out)...Basically we are the perfect storm for the most part....
Much of our inability to communicate is because she struggles to open up....She has trouble working through her thoughts (her add, is at a high level on a sliding scale) and expressing them....What makes it even more difficult for her during these times, is our difference's in personality for one, The way we share...I can easily loose her, or overwhelm her w/ information...I must be patient, and calm, or it's over....She makes it very difficult to be patient, because she refuses ownership, and stays in a defensive posture of blame....It's very hard to accomplish anything in conversation, with her...Because when she is talking, it's 99% about me, or someone else....She has a mind that is closed off to her own realities....
Fear maybe what is holding you back....I suggest you write down all the topics on your mind, (make and outline) when your alone and in a peaceful mindset....Make it in three topics....His issues....Her issues, and general topics not related to personal behaviors....
I suggest you ask your spouse to do the same....Just set up some ground rules...like no heightened emotions, no judgments or accusations....If you are discussing something related to her behavior, or her your's...You should stick to...."When you do such and such, or say such and such...It makes me feel this way_________? If you stick to the reality of how you feel, then your not judging or accusing, your owning your feelings.....
So many of us dive right in thinking the other person feels the freedom to open up....When they really don't, and we end up doing way more harm than good.....We definitely need to open up in conversation, but, we must be understanding and calm, no matter what's being said...Because as humans, let face it, we all have our issues....
I wish the best for you in your efforts...
c
Opening up
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I wonder if you could write a letter all by yourself before you talk to your wife. You seem to know what you want to talk about but can't get the words out when it's time to have the discussion. A letter or bullet point list of your thoughts would let you get it down on paper.
I don't have ADHD, but I do this myself sometimes because I tend to freeze in "live" conversations, while I am open and free when I'm alone with a piece of paper. It lets me get things out carefully, editing my words before I share them so I don't deliver my thoughts in a hurtful way or forget a point I wanted to make.
If all else fails and the words still won't come, maybe you can give your wife the letter.
I do this as well.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I just wanted to pop in and second this idea.
I don't have ADHD but I also write notes for important conversations. I'm currently making a list of things to go over in my next therapy session, for example.
Even at work we have to make an effort sometimes to keep meetings on track in order to reach a goal ...and to not go off in the weeds of side conversations or get spun up about related but less urgent issues.
That little bit of structure can help take you back to what you were trying to say and finish your thought.
I have much to share.....
Submitted by tcrane on
...and, while I will share.more a bit later, I acknowledge your reaching out. As men, we've for far too long not reached out.
This website (Ned Hallowell's book with his wife -as a Dr. with ADHD-is great. As my wife, I believe has undiagnosed ADHD and/but has managed it much better than I, it is both difficult--when we are both triggered--and a great opportunity to love ourselves 'selfishly' and ''selflessly'.
First, I have for years had regulation issues, which I've projected onto my wife too often. I went into this on another block from a Non-ADHD spouse dealing with her husbands infidelity (re: tools that have helped me. I have also been conscientous in tx for my ADHD, anxiety, and perhaps (as a son of veteran/and now a past career working with traumatized kids) "vicarious trauma".
What I've learned working with male youth and families before retiring (Social Work) is that I--all men--need larger group affiliation (Michael Gurian).
Differentiating and addressing the "wound...Robert Bly says..that.is our greatest gift, has given me resolve to reach out. I came from a family that didn't communicate feelings according to my needs. Being in a men's group with 3-4 men my seniors and 2 others my own age gor a number of years, I found out how essential this 'fellowship' was (and remains) as it heals and brings a deeper joy as an adult re: the absence of these intimate bonds. It gave me, in a sense, the relationship I never had with my brothers and Dad. Now that our group has disbanded (two are now in spirit) ...and two old friends have moved away, I'm seeing how I must make an effort to keep reaching out for for maintaining this fellowship.
Again, because your exression speaks to your insight and maturity well beyond your years, I encourage you to find (re-)discover what is a "longing' that you have uniquely (in your own hologram...!).
I'm retired; this last couple of years, I've found great discovery in learning about the amazing research rigor of non-local (likely but definitely including the non-linear) quantum field which we are totally dependent on; I always found Thom Hartman's Add, a different perception (others) of significance re: the unique hunter vs.and farmer natures that tap into both strengths (gifts) of having this wiring as well as the significant challenges I've had when a my career vocation which complented my temperament shifted to a much more electronic technology driven reporting system that shifted the job role significantly. Upon having the good fortune to take early retirement, albeit at a lower income than if I waited, I've found fresh discovery along with more acceptance for day to day blessings (sometimes not*!).
Good luck! You are in a good place and be open to new resources. If I (my wife) and I had this website and its tools years ago as well as, for me, DBT/Mindfulness classes), I would have been less demanding, made my wife wrong (unreasonable) such that some collateral pain and projection could have been--at least lessened and/or mitigated.