Does anyone else have trouble with an adhd spouse and their hygiene? I have trouble with finding creative ways to say please wash etc and its killing me especially since they smoke. How do I work on asking them to clean themselves?their space?and work on their hoarding? The forgetfulness makes the personal hygiene very bad and it makes messes so much worse.I have trouble being together with them when they haven't showered or shaved etc. Messes can be picked up but when its filled with clutter and hoarding and you know their must be food or unwashed items in their you know mold, smell etc are dangerous and scary how do I tackle this? . I have the whole house organized and their stuff contained to bins, but in the bins I know their are unwashed clothing items and outdoor gear developing mold and smell. The office desk"reclaimed"from an alley smells like cat pee pee. I hate bad smells, I hate mold and I hate hoarding help! absentmindedness aside its gross but I dont want to be tackless but it seems I never get through gently. Also are all adhd people messy I mean food in corner of mouth,stain and spots on pants from food ink, or cuts on hands and hands not washed etc or is this just my adhd spouse?
Hygiene,smell, hoarding
Submitted by risingfromtheashes on 07/20/2014.
I can kind of relate. My
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I can kind of relate. My spouse, who has ADHD, has a tendency to drop garbage on the floor instead of throwing it away. Picking up another person's dirty tissues grosses me out. The biggest issue is that he has dry skin, scratches it a lot, leaves flakes of skin on the floor and other places, and sometimes draws blood and doesn't notice it until I point it out. He takes great offense if I suggest that he wash his hands or not scratch compulsively while we're together.
Very frustrating issue.
Submitted by Beachlover68 on
I can very much relate. Married 20 yrs to ADD husband. Dating and early years of our marriage he took pride in his appearance and grooming habits. Gradually, over the past 5-6 years especially it seems to just not be something that registers as important. He is a home builder and has his own company. So, a lot of his work is managing job sites and getting dirty. But 1/2 the time he'll come in from that kind of day and not shower or clean up before dinner or bed...that is, if he comes to bed. He also stays on the couch more often than not. He'd rather surf the net or watch TV than spend time with me. He will not admit this. Only says he has to have his mind occupied. Has to have constant distraction. Unfortunately I don't make the cut for holding his attention. I've tried every way possible to encourage better grooming habits. I've pretty much just given up at this point. He is in such a negative pattern of how he reacts to me. I'm tired of having to figure out ways of communicating what should be viewed as common sense requests because everything I say is misinterpreted and viewed as disrespectful, nagging, neurotic....blah, blah, blah.
same here!
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife has dry skin also, uses a lot of lotion, and she can't stand to have anything on her skin...always picks it until it bleeds...I have to make her leave me alone if she see's a bite mark or anything on me...It just blows my mind how so many traits can be so closely linked for people...
Dry Skin
Submitted by mishellez on
I've been a long time lurker here, and this is my first post. I'm so relieved to have found a place where other couples with ADHD in the middle of their relationships can get together and relate their experiences! I HAD to chime in on the dry skin issue: my ADHD husband has dealt with this for as long as I've known him, 13 years. Plus if he gets a pimple or a scab he has to pick at it until it bleeds, and pick off every scab that tries to form. I've been thinking of it as being related to the ADD, some sort of a weird obsessive side effect. He's especially itchy when he starts to settle down at night, watching TV before going to sleep. He has a half dozen bristle brushes that he uses to scour himself with. It's bizarre behavior.
Sorry, didn't mean to derail this thread but reading about other ADDers having this itchy/picking symptom made a bulb light up over my head. I have no complaints about his hygiene, he does like his showers!
Cheers!
Nose blowing
Submitted by Standing on
He won't do it. At least not into a tissue. My husband will snorkle the stuff back into his sinuses, but won't blow it out into a kleenex. If it's a bad cold, i hear him in the shower, blowing it out into... the air? onto the shower wall? So i quietly go in there afterward to disinfect the shower stall. Never have spoken of this to him. It's only one of such a long list of issues, but one that especially grosses me out. He doesn't brush his teeth at night, either. Can't address that, because i'll get the speech about his sensitive gums. Yet he won't use the rinse the dentist gives him to improve the condition because it tastes bad. Better for him to be comfy and potentially toothless some day, with foul breath at night, than to follow a healthy routine.
Yuck. No, we are not all gross.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I read all of the posts here and I am a bit grossed out. My heart goes out to you all. I use tissues, find it nauseating when people inhale their snots back into their sinuses, and would never leave flakes of skin all over the place. Eww!
There are some people with ADHD who have hygiene issues. It is gross.
I don't like to think about gross,
Submitted by Standing on
so I generally don't. In fact, I try my best to block it out and ignore it, whenever and wherever it presents itself. Lately I've noticed that there's an awful lot of stuff that I've blocked out and avoided. I only posted about it here in an attempt to get it out into the open in the one place that felt safe, where nobody will think less of my husband because I "told". In this way, I hope to not carry the burden any longer. Seems to me that I have been ashamed FOR him, not Of him, and enough's enough. I don't think less of people with add or adhd and I do not generalize. Just struggling to get free of a load of miscellaneous that I've been stuffing for too long. :)
Hi risingfromtheashes....
Submitted by c ur self on
I handled this all wrong so I wouldn't be much help to you...I'm not sure there's an easy way...Just be glad you're not a man telling it to your wife...I just tried saying it...Hey I noticed you haven't showered in few days and you smell a little sour...Do you believe she had the Gaul to with hold sex from me :) I suggest you just set down with him and say hey dear husband, let's discuss this issue I have and see if we can't find some common ground...Remember it's your issue, he's fine with it just like it is. :) And just kindly explain to him..No shower and teeth brushing, no Love making, I bet he gets it... And about the hoarding, well, I've learned to live in somewhat of a messy house...It was only right...It's been good therapy for my OCD..LOL...I suggest you learn to also...But, you could address that like...Since I do most of the cleaning (I assume you do)...I want to look over the things you are planning on bringing in doors, I do not want to try and control you, but, I would like the opportunity to at least clean it before it becomes a permanent fixture...My wife has been slowly bringing one sack at a time from her old house into ours (She can't rationalize what's garbage, goodwill, and useable)...She thinks if she does it that way I want notice...Pray I can continue to keep my mouth shut...I better sneak down to Lowes' and get another stack of bins :) My wife and I have come along way PTL...example: The other night, I was waiting up for to get home from work...I'm retired and she gets home around 12...She loves for me to read to her to help her get sleepy, nasty ole add and adderall work against that...So, when she walked into the room, I smelt her and blurted out you stink...(in an innocent sort of way of course) she's been real good about her hygiene ever since year one...(hey maybe hurting her feelings early on did help) So, we ended up having the best sex ever that night...And she calls me from work the next night and jokes with me about finding a new way to turn on (tell her she stinks)...I know this isn't helping you, but, I suggest you just focus on loving him first...He is who he is, that will let you guard your heart from bitterness and keep the main thing the main thing......Y'all will get there...Remember most of us need some boundaries, not just in add marriages, but especially in add marriages..Blessings!
Oh how I understand!
Submitted by codrdave on
My wife is a 'functional hoarder'. She will keep everything she can and as much of it in piles around the house in plain sight so she doesn't forget it exists. She remembers where almost everything is. In this way she has a sharp memory. Ask her about going to a movie in a few days and you can guarantee she will forget and make other plans. Sex becomes a chore because she will wear a pad all day long and by the time she changes it, the smell can clear a room. I've had to leave the bathroom and finish in another bathroom because her pads were in the garbage in that bathroom. Then, I'm supposed to be the one to remember sex because she 'forgets' sex but how do I initiate when just the wafting of the sheets past her private parts makes me gag - pad still being worn, btw. I've tried for probably 20 years to get her to wash up when she gets home, put in a new pad if nec. and just generally do things to keep from smelling rotten down there. Like everything else, she will do it for about 3 days or so, then it's as if I never said a word to her. You've heard of 10 second Tom from the movie '50 First Dates'? My wife is 3 day wifey. Nothing exists after that third day.
My son is more like your spouse. Remembering or taking the time to have daily hygiene is never going to happen. We have given him money for a movie just so we can do his sheets on his bed while he is away. Food, dishes, cans and laundry make it nearly impossible to walk through his room. He's 28.
I'll bet any money you get the blame and accusations when trying to help deal with this. Right? You put too much pressure on them, they don't need (whatever it is you ask them to do), the reason they don't do (x) is because of something you do or don't do...
It's one thing to have to take care of someone like this, it's another to be made to believe it's all your fault. I'm lucky in that all 3 of my sons have ADD and non of our friends and family believe me when I try to explain what I am going through. Wait, that's not lucky is it, haha.
I hate to tell you this, but without some effective meds, nothing will change. It's like asking a person to eventually not need a wheel chair. The issues you are having are permanent.