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I suspect that answers you get to that question will vary. I hope other people answer, too.
: ) Maybe it will be of use to you to think about your question in relation to the beginnings of other relations you've had. I'm not the the old, grizzled dating warrior here, but thinking back, I can't think of a one of my relationships that stayed in the excited, focused stage by the end of the second year. Some shifted a lot faster than that.
As for my ADHD husband and me, I, or maybe being with me, was center of focus for him until the practical demands of life couldnt be set aside any more. We both work FT, so couldnt stay in us-only Eden I do think my husband loves me dearly. And I him. I had to learn that though his hyperfocus went on to other things than being with me, in that all-out way, he does attend. Not always the way other men in my life have. For ex, he doesnt name his feelings or ask me questions nearly as much as other people do. Best to you and your partner
Going along with what NON was saying...I am not the old and grizzled expert on dating ( being kind of a serial monogamist ( not necessarily by choice...ah hem )...but a monogamist by nature and not jumping partners rapidly or dating excessively just for the heck of it.....I can give you my two bits from the hyper-focus point of few....that many may not have considered here? And this goes along with what I experienced with my wife at this time since....I didn't do that with her ( this time )...and her are the reasons...."why not"....to give you an idea?
Realize...that this (without any awareness of it )...is somewhat unconscious or just an intense extreme response to falling in Love with you? It is a compliment..and an extremely validating thing to experience with such intensity and it is a pleasurable thing for all concerned. No doubt about that....and it works both ways?
But as I have found which is common for everyone in any new relationship....there is the "Honey Moon Phase"....that everyone experiences and that is something that has a start and ending point and disappears when everything becomes more expected...and the intensity wanes after a while? Once it becomes more ordinary as you really get to know someone more...that excitement and intensity does go away naturally for everyone? The official "Honey Moon"...in terms of marriage is making the assumption that you did not have sex yet? ( old school )
But if you are not ( old school ) yourself which many people have a different attitude about NOW...compared to the more traditional value system....people tend to like to "try people on for size" first....before you get married including have sex as a part of it? In that case....the 'Honey Moon" starts....when the relationship begins on the same level even if you are not married yet which I think is more common now a days and not looked down upon as some violation of the sanctity of God or religion? Not for all but for many...I would assume?
So no matter when it starts...it goes through a life of it's own that has and ending point and then shifts more into the concerns of everyday life and that is when the quote unquote "Honeymoon Phase"...comes to an end? And I am saying this directly from my personal experience and nothing esle or no other way to validate what I just said but I do believe this is true based only on my own experience with this?
But this was also confirmed by Melissa here on the forum some time back as I read her explain this saying there is factual evidence to support what I just said...so I am running with this idea with that confirmation in mind? And as I recall the one point she made was....that it has and end point...and never really returns to that place ever again since this is more a of Human condition..and that applies across the board for everyone?
Having said that......consider or picture and tall shot of Whiskey? Or Tequila...or what ever your choice in Poison if that Poison exists in your experience? If not....I'l' use another example that I actually do have one experience with in my life that I can relate to this exactly?
When I was 33.....I woke up one morning feeling like I had the flu and vomited and then thought...I was sick and stayed home from work? 10 hours later....I was sitting a gerny outside the operating room in the Hospital with acute appendicitis and had been vomiting non stop every 20 minutes to the point there was nothing come out of me anymore but I still have convulsions every 20 minutes for that long a time? I was rode hard...and put up wet..and If you gave me a gun as a last resort to end it all right then...I might have taken you up on the offer.....that was how bad that was and where I was in that moment of time?
And when the anesthesiologist came by to check on me....pre-operation....I was breathing those deep hard breathes a person takes...when they are in unbearable pain but as I am...I am kind of stoic and that was about as much as I showed outwardly? And he said.."you look really uncomfortable ". "No shit Sherlock!!! I am about to die!!!!" LOL as I refrained....I told him "no shit!!! When is surgery!!!!" And he said...."I've got something that will get you by until then" As he wheeled my into the operating room and stuck a syringe in my IV which was first and last experience....with: Shooting, Firing, Banging or Booting up ..Heroin.
Actually it was better than Heroin...is was called Fentenol ( not sure if that is spelled right ) which is 100 times more potent than Morphine alone because it is the synthetic concentrate on a molar level? I do not recommend this of course...but in my case....I was about an hour and 1/2 from dying so they make that consolation for you? And what I experience as I found out in that moment...was why people get addicted to Heroin or pain killers of that nature and end up "shooting it" intravenously? Let just say....that by the time the surgeon came in and asked me how I was doing ( i kid you not )...I said...."Do we really need to go through the surgery? I take about a dozen of those syringes with me and we can call it good" As a joke...but I was not really kidding?
The pain was gone...but not only the pain being gone...I was in a state of ecstasy beyond anything I had ever experienced before and I could feel the rush...going through my veins...into my heart..and then into every crevice of my body from head to toe....literally...like a wave of orgasmic experience like a flood raising down a river inside of me to give you an idea? Given the choice between sex and being shot up with Fentenol......I'd choose Fentenol in a heart beat....that's how good that was?
But in the same (vein....pun intended lol ).....hyper focus is the same kind of "high intensity feeling" at times when something is really pleasurable and enjoyable which would be YOU...in this case? Same kind of thing?
But in the exact same kind of way....that euphoria is not something you can do and keep up all the time ...unless you were to become a Heroin Addict in the same way? In fact...they say ( as I have heard )...that the fantasy of a Heroin Addict...would be to lay in bed forever...with a continual supply of Heroin fed into intravenously forever and I totally get that in context to just that one experience?
But there is a part II to this in terms of the pain you had before you shot up? One of my very closest friends from childhood...is an Anesthesiologist....who told me something once that really struck me as he said it? He said...."If we did not have endorphins or other chemicals in our bodies that stemmed off pain on a regular basis.....we would be in so much agony and pain with so much intensity just standing up or moving ...we would be immobile simply...from the weight of our own bodies...bearing down on our joints just standing upright. To the point...that we would be in agony every waking second....without those chemicals there to numb us from our pain? Every waking second of every waking minute of our lives...if that were the case speaking in physical terms only?
We never really even know...just how vulnerable and suseptable we are to our own pain and how close to the "brink" we really are right this very minute? Our bodies and our minds...have defense mechanisms to shield us from pain.amd when those defenses fail...we experience how fragile we really are in reality and just how close to the brink....that we really are all the time and don't even know it?
What this says to me...or at least the assumption that I have made is....the worse off a person is...before they meet someone new ( the amount of pain they experience before they meet Mr Right...will be the level of intensity and the "high" they feel...when they first enter a new relationship? This is an inverse relationship by the way if you stop and think about it which means........
Who really changed here? The person with ADHD and their ability to hyper focus and become like Heroin? O the Heroin addict who can't get that intensity anymore..and they end up "Chasing the Dragon"...in a futile attempt to recreate that first...one time experience which can never happen again once you body adjusts to the fact that it no longer needs to produce those chemicals anymore...since now you are injecting them artificially with a drug.....500 time better...than the ones you can manufacture yourself or ever achieve to that level....on your own?
On the flip side to this from the person with ADHD's perspective.....if you want a person to live in Wonderland forever...and never get anything done...never get a job...never do anything but lay around the house and watch cartoons and play video games all day long?
Then sure......we can do this hyper focus thing all day long everyday? But is that what you really want...all things considered? And who actually changed here? You...or the person with ADHD?
is because I've never experienced this level of intensity in any other relationship with any man, including my ex husband.
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. No man has ever treated me with the respect that he does, no man has ever taken my feelings into consideration...and no man has ever told me that I'm beautiful.
My ex husband was abusive, and I'm still getting used to being treated like a person,
I just wondered if this was a hyperfocus ADHD thing that will go away, or if this is just who my boyfriend is.........
What I didn't know then in terms of my ex wife...was what she was experiencing herself for example..and why she finally said one day...."You changed" but couldn't tell me why or what she meant by that? I think my ex wife is still beautiful physically speaking and that never changed...but inner beauty is a different thing that can change how you see someone on the outside as well up to a point...saying...if there is a chemical reaction to a persons physical beauty for what ever reason....that kind of thing I found changes very little? How you feel about them might change a lot and I can sight this one woman that I had a bad experience with who was extremely physically attractive and that really doesn't change all that much except.....I would never call her "beautiful" now....not in a million years because I see what is inside her...and that changes everything?
But what I described to you before...had more to do with what happened with my ex wife I think more than anything else? How she viewed her own beauty...was dependent on how others saw her not how she saw herself? When I stopped showing her the more extreme intense affection or attention due to that honey moon phase and when that wore off naturally as I said.....I really think for her....that she saw that as me changing more than just me simply not having the same intensity..and wanting to get that back which really wasn't possible...and so she felt that was all on me erroneously speaking? or showing attention to her in the way she needed me to ...in order to validate her own beauty if you will? It didn't matter how many times I said it....if she she didn't feel it or see herself as beautiful unless she got that same kind of intensity and focusing on her constantly in the same consistent way to reaffirm to her that she was beautiful which she placed the emphasis on outward beauty not inward beauty which was mainly what she was focused on? The outward beauty of person you get use to with anyone even if you still see them the same....but not with such admiration and desire after you are with them everyday? That part...does go away after all while even if you see them the same which is not exactly taking them for granted....it's just that you can only tell someone how beautiful they are so many times and still have the same impact on them as before or when you first told them how you feel?
But the other aspect to this..is how you are seen by others in your facial expressions and if you stop smiling and always have and unhappy face on all the time....I don't think anyone looks there best or as beautiful than when they are smiling and are happy? If all you see is a sour look on someone face after too long...they kind of stop looking beautiful after and while for obvious reasons? That does make a difference and it is part of what I am saying due to this effect and then the let down and how they appear after that happens especially if they think you've changed..and you think they've changed as well? Both...at the same time in this kind of sympathetic inverse relationship of sorts?
I can give you a bit of advise from the wisdom of most any guy I have ever met or talked with about this? Inside tip if you will? But first....before I move past this to be sure....I would not expect how your boyfriend sees your beauty at all unless you make yourself ( not beautiful in resect to your inner beauty and change yourself and how you act around him due to disappointment or anger due to something that he's doing which he might perceive as you changing for the very reason I said? If you can be prepared for less intensity...and not see that as a sign of something else other than the hyper focus thing....then I might expect the same hyper focus at times and not others...more inconsistently than before which has nothing to do with you what so ever? If you can be prepared for that in the future without having that be an issue yourself....that would be the best of all worlds all things considered if you can see this for what is is...and not misinterpret it for something else?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and just less intensity or less in terms of quantity in respect to ADHD does not mean anything for all those reason and is you can be Okay with that and possible be prepared for a shift like that....then nothing should change if I were to predict this using myself here....as long as you understand it that way and know that nothing has changed with him since it really doesn't have anything to do with you personally as long as you don't take it personally....that is the key I think?
But the bit of insight and wisdom from the ages as far as men are concerned and having grown up with two older sisters as well?
The worst person a man could ever ask .....for an opinion of another woman's beauty? Is a woman....period!!! LOL All you'd have to do is go on a blind date to figure that one out for most guys if this has ever happened to them.... will confirm this almost universally without even questioning it? Just take that and run with it...and never look back? LOL
Which means? You probably will never be able to see what is beautiful about you which are many things in a way...that most women seem to miss or not consider...in trying to describe what beauty is to them? Beauty is way more than skin deep...and it is an individual thing that is difficult to explain what attracts you to someone..and why you think they are beautiful and everyone has there "thangs"....what ever that is? I won't even get into all the things that I find attractive outwardly...but I've got some things that I am attracted to...that might make you scratch your head in wonder and I cannot even begin to tell you why?
So if I can't do it here with you? Chances are...your boyfriend won't really be able to convince even if did tell you...since that probably will make no sense what so ever....so I would let that one go and just accept it even if you don't see it or believe it yourself? It's just one of those mysterious things...that you cannot quantify which seems like woman can do so easily and readily do with each other ....and then turn around and be so completely and absolutely....utterly mistaken....and as positively wrong ....as they could ever possibly be? From a guys point of view that is? LOL Trust me on that much...and just accept that you are. LOL
Hyperfocus
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Hello, Adele,
I suspect that answers you get to that question will vary. I hope other people answer, too.
: ) Maybe it will be of use to you to think about your question in relation to the beginnings of other relations you've had. I'm not the the old, grizzled dating warrior here, but thinking back, I can't think of a one of my relationships that stayed in the excited, focused stage by the end of the second year. Some shifted a lot faster than that.
As for my ADHD husband and me, I, or maybe being with me, was center of focus for him until the practical demands of life couldnt be set aside any more. We both work FT, so couldnt stay in us-only Eden I do think my husband loves me dearly. And I him. I had to learn that though his hyperfocus went on to other things than being with me, in that all-out way, he does attend. Not always the way other men in my life have. For ex, he doesnt name his feelings or ask me questions nearly as much as other people do. Best to you and your partner
More is Not Always Better Adele
Submitted by kellyj on
Going along with what NON was saying...I am not the old and grizzled expert on dating ( being kind of a serial monogamist ( not necessarily by choice...ah hem )...but a monogamist by nature and not jumping partners rapidly or dating excessively just for the heck of it.....I can give you my two bits from the hyper-focus point of few....that many may not have considered here? And this goes along with what I experienced with my wife at this time since....I didn't do that with her ( this time )...and her are the reasons...."why not"....to give you an idea?
Realize...that this (without any awareness of it )...is somewhat unconscious or just an intense extreme response to falling in Love with you? It is a compliment..and an extremely validating thing to experience with such intensity and it is a pleasurable thing for all concerned. No doubt about that....and it works both ways?
But as I have found which is common for everyone in any new relationship....there is the "Honey Moon Phase"....that everyone experiences and that is something that has a start and ending point and disappears when everything becomes more expected...and the intensity wanes after a while? Once it becomes more ordinary as you really get to know someone more...that excitement and intensity does go away naturally for everyone? The official "Honey Moon"...in terms of marriage is making the assumption that you did not have sex yet? ( old school )
But if you are not ( old school ) yourself which many people have a different attitude about NOW...compared to the more traditional value system....people tend to like to "try people on for size" first....before you get married including have sex as a part of it? In that case....the 'Honey Moon" starts....when the relationship begins on the same level even if you are not married yet which I think is more common now a days and not looked down upon as some violation of the sanctity of God or religion? Not for all but for many...I would assume?
So no matter when it starts...it goes through a life of it's own that has and ending point and then shifts more into the concerns of everyday life and that is when the quote unquote "Honeymoon Phase"...comes to an end? And I am saying this directly from my personal experience and nothing esle or no other way to validate what I just said but I do believe this is true based only on my own experience with this?
But this was also confirmed by Melissa here on the forum some time back as I read her explain this saying there is factual evidence to support what I just said...so I am running with this idea with that confirmation in mind? And as I recall the one point she made was....that it has and end point...and never really returns to that place ever again since this is more a of Human condition..and that applies across the board for everyone?
Having said that......consider or picture and tall shot of Whiskey? Or Tequila...or what ever your choice in Poison if that Poison exists in your experience? If not....I'l' use another example that I actually do have one experience with in my life that I can relate to this exactly?
When I was 33.....I woke up one morning feeling like I had the flu and vomited and then thought...I was sick and stayed home from work? 10 hours later....I was sitting a gerny outside the operating room in the Hospital with acute appendicitis and had been vomiting non stop every 20 minutes to the point there was nothing come out of me anymore but I still have convulsions every 20 minutes for that long a time? I was rode hard...and put up wet..and If you gave me a gun as a last resort to end it all right then...I might have taken you up on the offer.....that was how bad that was and where I was in that moment of time?
And when the anesthesiologist came by to check on me....pre-operation....I was breathing those deep hard breathes a person takes...when they are in unbearable pain but as I am...I am kind of stoic and that was about as much as I showed outwardly? And he said.."you look really uncomfortable ". "No shit Sherlock!!! I am about to die!!!!" LOL as I refrained....I told him "no shit!!! When is surgery!!!!" And he said...."I've got something that will get you by until then" As he wheeled my into the operating room and stuck a syringe in my IV which was first and last experience....with: Shooting, Firing, Banging or Booting up ..Heroin.
Actually it was better than Heroin...is was called Fentenol ( not sure if that is spelled right ) which is 100 times more potent than Morphine alone because it is the synthetic concentrate on a molar level? I do not recommend this of course...but in my case....I was about an hour and 1/2 from dying so they make that consolation for you? And what I experience as I found out in that moment...was why people get addicted to Heroin or pain killers of that nature and end up "shooting it" intravenously? Let just say....that by the time the surgeon came in and asked me how I was doing ( i kid you not )...I said...."Do we really need to go through the surgery? I take about a dozen of those syringes with me and we can call it good" As a joke...but I was not really kidding?
The pain was gone...but not only the pain being gone...I was in a state of ecstasy beyond anything I had ever experienced before and I could feel the rush...going through my veins...into my heart..and then into every crevice of my body from head to toe....literally...like a wave of orgasmic experience like a flood raising down a river inside of me to give you an idea? Given the choice between sex and being shot up with Fentenol......I'd choose Fentenol in a heart beat....that's how good that was?
But in the same (vein....pun intended lol ).....hyper focus is the same kind of "high intensity feeling" at times when something is really pleasurable and enjoyable which would be YOU...in this case? Same kind of thing?
But in the exact same kind of way....that euphoria is not something you can do and keep up all the time ...unless you were to become a Heroin Addict in the same way? In fact...they say ( as I have heard )...that the fantasy of a Heroin Addict...would be to lay in bed forever...with a continual supply of Heroin fed into intravenously forever and I totally get that in context to just that one experience?
But there is a part II to this in terms of the pain you had before you shot up? One of my very closest friends from childhood...is an Anesthesiologist....who told me something once that really struck me as he said it? He said...."If we did not have endorphins or other chemicals in our bodies that stemmed off pain on a regular basis.....we would be in so much agony and pain with so much intensity just standing up or moving ...we would be immobile simply...from the weight of our own bodies...bearing down on our joints just standing upright. To the point...that we would be in agony every waking second....without those chemicals there to numb us from our pain? Every waking second of every waking minute of our lives...if that were the case speaking in physical terms only?
We never really even know...just how vulnerable and suseptable we are to our own pain and how close to the "brink" we really are right this very minute? Our bodies and our minds...have defense mechanisms to shield us from pain.amd when those defenses fail...we experience how fragile we really are in reality and just how close to the brink....that we really are all the time and don't even know it?
What this says to me...or at least the assumption that I have made is....the worse off a person is...before they meet someone new ( the amount of pain they experience before they meet Mr Right...will be the level of intensity and the "high" they feel...when they first enter a new relationship? This is an inverse relationship by the way if you stop and think about it which means........
Who really changed here? The person with ADHD and their ability to hyper focus and become like Heroin? O the Heroin addict who can't get that intensity anymore..and they end up "Chasing the Dragon"...in a futile attempt to recreate that first...one time experience which can never happen again once you body adjusts to the fact that it no longer needs to produce those chemicals anymore...since now you are injecting them artificially with a drug.....500 time better...than the ones you can manufacture yourself or ever achieve to that level....on your own?
On the flip side to this from the person with ADHD's perspective.....if you want a person to live in Wonderland forever...and never get anything done...never get a job...never do anything but lay around the house and watch cartoons and play video games all day long?
Then sure......we can do this hyper focus thing all day long everyday? But is that what you really want...all things considered? And who actually changed here? You...or the person with ADHD?
Think about it?
J
https://youtu.be/rZrW1ENhLsY
The reason I asked............
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
is because I've never experienced this level of intensity in any other relationship with any man, including my ex husband.
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. No man has ever treated me with the respect that he does, no man has ever taken my feelings into consideration...and no man has ever told me that I'm beautiful.
My ex husband was abusive, and I'm still getting used to being treated like a person,
I just wondered if this was a hyperfocus ADHD thing that will go away, or if this is just who my boyfriend is.........
Adele This is What I Didn't Know Then?
Submitted by kellyj on
What I didn't know then in terms of my ex wife...was what she was experiencing herself for example..and why she finally said one day...."You changed" but couldn't tell me why or what she meant by that? I think my ex wife is still beautiful physically speaking and that never changed...but inner beauty is a different thing that can change how you see someone on the outside as well up to a point...saying...if there is a chemical reaction to a persons physical beauty for what ever reason....that kind of thing I found changes very little? How you feel about them might change a lot and I can sight this one woman that I had a bad experience with who was extremely physically attractive and that really doesn't change all that much except.....I would never call her "beautiful" now....not in a million years because I see what is inside her...and that changes everything?
But what I described to you before...had more to do with what happened with my ex wife I think more than anything else? How she viewed her own beauty...was dependent on how others saw her not how she saw herself? When I stopped showing her the more extreme intense affection or attention due to that honey moon phase and when that wore off naturally as I said.....I really think for her....that she saw that as me changing more than just me simply not having the same intensity..and wanting to get that back which really wasn't possible...and so she felt that was all on me erroneously speaking? or showing attention to her in the way she needed me to ...in order to validate her own beauty if you will? It didn't matter how many times I said it....if she she didn't feel it or see herself as beautiful unless she got that same kind of intensity and focusing on her constantly in the same consistent way to reaffirm to her that she was beautiful which she placed the emphasis on outward beauty not inward beauty which was mainly what she was focused on? The outward beauty of person you get use to with anyone even if you still see them the same....but not with such admiration and desire after you are with them everyday? That part...does go away after all while even if you see them the same which is not exactly taking them for granted....it's just that you can only tell someone how beautiful they are so many times and still have the same impact on them as before or when you first told them how you feel?
But the other aspect to this..is how you are seen by others in your facial expressions and if you stop smiling and always have and unhappy face on all the time....I don't think anyone looks there best or as beautiful than when they are smiling and are happy? If all you see is a sour look on someone face after too long...they kind of stop looking beautiful after and while for obvious reasons? That does make a difference and it is part of what I am saying due to this effect and then the let down and how they appear after that happens especially if they think you've changed..and you think they've changed as well? Both...at the same time in this kind of sympathetic inverse relationship of sorts?
I can give you a bit of advise from the wisdom of most any guy I have ever met or talked with about this? Inside tip if you will? But first....before I move past this to be sure....I would not expect how your boyfriend sees your beauty at all unless you make yourself ( not beautiful in resect to your inner beauty and change yourself and how you act around him due to disappointment or anger due to something that he's doing which he might perceive as you changing for the very reason I said? If you can be prepared for less intensity...and not see that as a sign of something else other than the hyper focus thing....then I might expect the same hyper focus at times and not others...more inconsistently than before which has nothing to do with you what so ever? If you can be prepared for that in the future without having that be an issue yourself....that would be the best of all worlds all things considered if you can see this for what is is...and not misinterpret it for something else?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and just less intensity or less in terms of quantity in respect to ADHD does not mean anything for all those reason and is you can be Okay with that and possible be prepared for a shift like that....then nothing should change if I were to predict this using myself here....as long as you understand it that way and know that nothing has changed with him since it really doesn't have anything to do with you personally as long as you don't take it personally....that is the key I think?
But the bit of insight and wisdom from the ages as far as men are concerned and having grown up with two older sisters as well?
The worst person a man could ever ask .....for an opinion of another woman's beauty? Is a woman....period!!! LOL All you'd have to do is go on a blind date to figure that one out for most guys if this has ever happened to them.... will confirm this almost universally without even questioning it? Just take that and run with it...and never look back? LOL
Which means? You probably will never be able to see what is beautiful about you which are many things in a way...that most women seem to miss or not consider...in trying to describe what beauty is to them? Beauty is way more than skin deep...and it is an individual thing that is difficult to explain what attracts you to someone..and why you think they are beautiful and everyone has there "thangs"....what ever that is? I won't even get into all the things that I find attractive outwardly...but I've got some things that I am attracted to...that might make you scratch your head in wonder and I cannot even begin to tell you why?
So if I can't do it here with you? Chances are...your boyfriend won't really be able to convince even if did tell you...since that probably will make no sense what so ever....so I would let that one go and just accept it even if you don't see it or believe it yourself? It's just one of those mysterious things...that you cannot quantify which seems like woman can do so easily and readily do with each other ....and then turn around and be so completely and absolutely....utterly mistaken....and as positively wrong ....as they could ever possibly be? From a guys point of view that is? LOL Trust me on that much...and just accept that you are. LOL
J