Submitted by -Colt40 on 01/15/2015.
Hello I was hoping I could get opinions and experience pertaining to the hyperfocus in a relationship. Does this ever end or wear off or is this extreme display of affection and attention carry on into a marriage, and if it does wear off is it gradual or suddenly? What attitude is the hyperfocus replaced with? Thank you in advance!
How long have you been in the relationship?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
The problem that I've faced is that my H gets "jealous" of things that take my time. If I have a hobby, that soon bothers him because he feels that I should be available 24/7 to him. He can get this way with our kids, but not as much...he does understand that kids do take a mom's time.
He's a hypocrite....he can spend hours on things HE likes (his hobbies), but he gets jealous of my hobbies.
It's going to end sometime
Submitted by sunlight on
-colt40 - no-one can keep up the level of intensity that comes from hyperfocus. But it could be 30 seconds from now or 3 years - you won't know. If you're wondering about the girl you've described here before I suspect that she sees marriage as a big shiny exciting object and you're a challenge. Hyperfocus can certainly last until after marriage but one day it will just ..... stop. Whether it seems sudden or gradual is going to depend on life circumstances - all relationships have an 'end of the honeymoon' phase and so you might confuse it with that, at first - until you realize that the level of attention you saw is never coming back. What attitude replaces it is where you will really see the character underneath the ADHD. You might find out that she never was 'that into you' and that now she wants a new car, new friends, new cool stuff, you're suddenly not exciting, and you'll literally wonder where the girl you knew went. Or she might be a mature person who, if she knew and ackowledged the effect of ADHD, had warned you beforehand and would settle in to working on the relationship to really make it work. I don't want to say anything untoward about her, as we don't know her and you do, and she isn't here to put her side, but you described red flags having nothing to do with ADHD. Add unmanaged ADHD on top and it doesn't look that great. I think you should be very cautious until you see her living away from home, keeping an apartment, keeping a job, and acting maturely. Don't believe that she will become suddenly responsible after you're married. The opposite is more likely (assuming that she is not fully and explicitly committed to managing the ADHD).
hyperfocus wore off...wanted "new and shiny"
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My ADHD husband's hyperfocus wore off, pretty much the day after the wedding. And then it was a constant search for "new and shiny" objects of affection. (work, video games, television, other people, eventually an affair, and lots and lots and LOTS of PROJECTS) The day to day managing of a marriage was too boring and NOT mentally stimulating enough for him to "work" at a marriage. Chores around the house, things I needed done, the kids, etc....but ESPECIALLY ME....came LAST after every new and shiny thing. After long term of this.......it took a severe toll on my self esteem.
Not a matter of IF but WHEN
Submitted by Hoffe frau on
Something I read from an article I read here on this site, constantly runs through my mind. I am quoting - “When someone with ADD enters into a new romantic relationship, the initial excitement feels so stimulating to the ADD brain (which is being flooded with adrenaline and endorphins) that it causes the person to completely turn their attention to you. However, this kind of excitement diminishes over time, along with the adrenaline rush as the ADD spouse looks elsewhere for stimulation.”
The attitude I would say is not actually being replaced, as much as 'the next best thing'. No one can predict how long hyperfocus on any given thing will last or what will take its place, but just ask yourself if you are going to be able to handle the highs and lows, as well as the twist and turns coming your way. Because in my opinion, it is not a matter of if but when. After five years, I am still in my relationship. It requires a lot patience and communication. Some days are better than others. We are considering counseling, as we both feel this is the only way that we can handle the twists and turns in hopes for any kind of future.