A few months after getting married I noticed that my husband was talking to other women online on a regular basis. He's interested in foreign cultures so has many foreign friends both males and females of different ages. We ourselves are an intercultural/racial couple.
The problem started when I asked him about who his female friends were. I told him that, since they're online friends, I would like to know who they are and how often he speaks with them. He has since being more vigilant with his phone and computer by locking them and turning the screen away from me. I've seen many photos of other women on his phone but I don't know if they're friends or just strangers. I've confronted him about it but all he says it's that he's not cheating. Am I being paranoid?
Has this happened to any of you? Is this normal or just another symptom of ADHD? I feel lost and confused.
Thank you for reading!
Cheating....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Sanvean....Can't speak for all, but, I can tell you my thoughts...When a man (or women) starts hiding his activities and interactions with other women from his own wife...That's a problem, and you have every right to ask him for complete transparency...The same thing he deserves from you as your husband....(Accountable people, wise committed people, insist on this)
It sounds like he has justified this from the very outset of y'all's marriage....(IMO) Much of the world's view of commitment isn't what it use to be...And the product isn't one to envy either....Sky high divorce rates....Mostly due to selfishness and unconcern for anything Godly and right...
You have no control over him, so you can't fix it....You can endure it, You can do the same things, You can live in fear of his unconcern about your feelings, Or you can tell him that you want waste your time with a man who isn't transparent, and who has room in his heart to day dream or worse about other women... (I promise you, as a man myself, if he has any real love what so ever for you, he would have a fit about your interactions on line w/ strange men and hiding it, or redirecting his concerns, and calling it your insecurities (his problem)...NO you are not being paranoid....You want what you both vowed to give...Trust is always earned in human form.....
You hold only the power of your own actions....Just plainly see his actions for what they are....ADHD could be playing a role in his hyper focus on the subject...But the subject itself (other women) is a matter of the heart....Any time a person uses add/adhd as an excuse to be disrespectful or sin against their spouse or anyone else....That's not adhd....So many abused men and women suffer abusive patterns from their spouse's because they don't want to face the hard reality (I'm one, I've been long suffering for 12 years, it's only gotten worse) of who we've committed our lives to....The truth is so heart breaking they want face it for years and years, many time...
Be harmless as a dove, but, wise as a serpent.....
Bless you
c
Thank you, C
Submitted by Sanvean on
Hi C,
Thanks for your reply! I've been married for a year and 4 months. When I was dating my husband I made sure to tell him that I won't tolerate cheating in any way. He told me that he believes the same and views marriage as a lifetime commitment. He comes from a very traditional Eastern country and has lived in the West for few years. I got attracted to him because of his views on marriage but I didn't know about all of his talks with so many female friends. Sometimes I think that I should've get to know him better before dating him.
I've being open to him about my past relationship and told him about all of my friends (even shown him their photos and messages). He's spoken about many friends of his but others I don't know about. I'm just hoping that he opens himself to me and we can have a normal relationship.
It's been tough dealing with this and other things but I'm coming to the realization that I should focus on improving myself. I used to be bubbly and smiley but now I've become bitter. Let's see how it goes.
I'm sorry to hear that you've struggled for 12 years and only wish you the best. It must be very tough being with a person who doesn't has the same level of commitment to the marriage as you have. Have you been to counseling or tried anything to improve the situation?
Thanks for your advice!
Take care!
Thank you also, for your concern.....
Submitted by c ur self on
We tried counselor's...(pre-marriage, and 8 months are so about 4.5 years into the marriage)...She just tried to use him as a glorified referee (not for help).....She refuses to look at her own behaviors, and their effects (denial)...Justifies everything she does, and will not engage in a calm conversation about her choices in life....Turns strait blame shifting..."well you do this". She just insists on doing her own independent thing...She has always just announced her plans, with no concern or commitment to my role as her husband....I have tried being patient, and tagging along on w/her on her adventures....But to be honest, I wasn't doing her, me, or the relationship any favors...She is so controlling, and unbendable (I can be also, I feel I have certain God given rights when it comes to leadership and making hopefully wise family decisions, but, there has been no respect, she will just walk away in the middle of a crowd, even in other countries, a man can't trust that, I'm worn out... LOL..I'm done...) We all have to wake up and rid ourselves of the rose colored glasses at some point....
But it's all good, she can find her way in life alone....So can I....Time alone is valuable, it gives and opportunity to consider our actions, our character...How we treat others...I love her and myself...I want the best for both, that just hasn't work together....Not with such different priorities....Individualism that has a death grip on any of our hearts, more than our desire to honor God, and one another, will always be destructive to our marriage relationship....You can't be married and live single, not and have unity, love and respect...Just want work.....That old quote is so right....It takes two...marriage has to have two hungry to be one....I guess that's way God's word tell us to be equally yoked...He knew there would be only trouble when we are pulling in different directions....
Best wishes with your marriage...
c
Sanvean, I am sorry for this
Submitted by shulk on
Sanvean, I am sorry for this difficult situation you are going through. As a guy, I certainly don't think that his behavior is justifiable or should be excused. As with many things, I do think the key to making any headway is to keep regularly discussing your concerns. Maybe getting some regular counseling if he's up for it... I am not knowledgeable enough to say whether hypersexuality is normal in ADHD males, but I read, women with ADHD have a higher sex drive (my wife doesn't, at least not after kids) than males do. So, it may be just a difficulty in controlling the general male sexual interest/where the normal braking mechanism that prevents guys from going further than just a glance, is not there due to ADHD and so you get a runaway habit that doesn't have the luxury of normal behavioral filters...
Thanks, Shulk!
Submitted by Sanvean on
It's great to hear a man's point of view on this topic. I can't confirm if he's cheating or not because I don't have any evidence. I've never seen him doing anything in person but what he does online concerns me as I don't know what's going on.
He's usually sweet, affectionate and we get along very well but I don't like the fact that he doesn't tell me about his female friends and hides anything related to other women. I just keep insisting all the time that I won't tolerate infidelity and he knows it. I don't know if all of this is a misunderstanding or miscommunication but I'll keep trying to know the truth.
Thank you for your advice! I hope that you have no problems with your wife. Dealing with ADHD can be very tricky.
Take care!
Woman with adhd & hypersexuality
Submitted by Tarawrashley on
Hi there - I am so sorry your husband is acting strange. Both my partner and I have adhd and we're at opposite ends of the spectrum. I have hypersexuality whereas he almost has no sexual desire. That being said, it's not a trigger or excuse to go and find release with someone who isn't my partner. I think it's an easy excuse, but at the end of the day, you make a decision either way. I have never felt the need to go and sleep with someone else, even with my partners lack of drive - and if your husband is doing so, kick him to the curb (if you cannot reconcile, of course)
I'm hoping that he hasn't been and it's really just a weird feeling. Thinking of you!