Yesterday was my company picnic. I asked H 2 weeks ago if he wanted to get off work early and come to it since he only works about 15 minutes away. He said "Nah, you go ahead and go without me. Last time it was kind of boring and you'll have more fun if you don't have to tote me around". Well no, actually it would be really nice to have you there since most people bring their spouses, but whatever. I'm sure he never gave it a second thought. So I wasn't even going to remind him of it yesterday because I figured I'd just go for the snacks and drinks and leave when they were going to serve the meal and I'd still be home before him and he'd never know any different, but I sent him an email from work yesterday saying "Forgot to mention to you that it’s our picnic today. I have no desire to stick around for the meal, just the snacks and drinks. I’m sure I’ll still beat you home tonight." He responds with "Grab a plate for me too". I don't know if he was trying to be funny or what (because if he wanted a plate he should have come!) but I told him "As I said, I’ll be taking off before the meal is ready to go. We’ve got brats to cook for dinner at home!" and he responds with "Okay sounds good".
The reason I was skipping the meal is so we could have dinner together at home because or else I could just hear from previous times "Oh you didn't bring anything home for me? Great thanks for thinking of me! Now I have to find something to eat for myself." I could just see it. I get home at 6:30, about 15-30 minutes before I expected him home. 7:30 he still wasn't home. 8:00 he still wasn't home. 8:30 he finally calls me all upbeat and the first words out of my mouth to him are "Don't tell me you are still at work" (I knew he wouldn't be). He goes "Well kind of. I had to deliver a motorcycle to one of the customers and I asked my coworker if he wanted to follow me and then we'd stop and have a beer and then he could drop me back off at the shop. We went to the pub and ran into a guy I know and we started talking motorcycles. But now I'm back at the shop and on my way home." I was furious! I skipped the meal at the picnic to have dinner with him. He knew I was going to be home before him and that we were going to have brats for dinner. I could have hung out much longer with my coworkers. Oh AND the place we had the picnic was about 4 blocks from my work and the pub they went to (that they always go to) is LITERALLY 3 doors down from where I work! I could have easily met him if I had stayed and eaten at the picnic but he tells me "Oh I thought you were going to be leaving for home at like 5PM before I even got off." He didn't even try and call me. Not only did he not try and call me about that, but he didn't even bother to call me and tell he was going to this pub. He's just 2 hours late getting home but it's not a big deal. Then he went on about how the guy he asked to go to the pub with him was so grateful for him asking him to go because he doesn't know anyone here. That's great, but I expected us to be having dinner together. I at least should have gotten a call before you made the decision to go there so I wasn't sitting there waiting to have something to eat. If I had pulled this stunt, you can be sure I'd be hearing about it for days about how I didn't call and came home late. I'd probably even get "Oh were you with your boyfriend?"
He finally gets home about 9PM and after 5 minutes I tell him I'm tired and going to bed. I WAS tired, but I was more irritated than anything and he could tell. He then tells me he's tired too and going to check his email, log into his game and see what's going on and he'll be in shortly. Well anytime he tells me he'll "be in shortly" I can pretty much take that as that's the absolute opposite of what he's going to do. Sure enough, I wake up aat 11 and hear the video game. He didn't even seem to bother to try and keep the noise down. I shut the door and turn on the fan to block it out. He doesn't come to bed until almost 1AM! Okay you know you already irritated me by not coming home until later and not letting me know, and then you irritate me again by spending nearly 4 hours playing your stupid video game! Thanks for spending 5 minutes of your day with me! God I want to throw that computer of his out the window! He will sit there for hours on end playing that. Maybe come and sit with me for 30 minutes before he has to race off and play again. Nothing else gets done around the house.
You know what I accomplished in a 2 hour time span after I got home from work and before he got home a few days ago? I vacuumed, mopped the floor, cleaned the bathrooms, watered the garden, picked ripe veggies from the garden, and started laundry. Do you know what he accomplished over the entire weekend last weekend? Moving the trailer from the street to the driveway, which he had said he was going to do 2 weeks prior! That's it! Something that took 10 minutes. The rest was drinking and video gaming! And he thinks moving the trailer was just a huge thing to have done.
I hear you and TOTALLY 'feel
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
I hear you and TOTALLY 'feel your pain', Mapper... The symptoms of this condition REALLY have a way of making us feel COMPLETELY unappreciated and 'disregarded'... :(
If I may... DON'T EVER STOP 'doing the right thing'. It DOES matter! It matters for YOU. Your husband may not 'appreciate' the way that you are, I'm sorry to say... or ''care'', as you have stated... but, when we think back in our lives... it seems the things that we REGRET, are those times when we 'acted poorly' towards another person... :(
BELIEVE ME, Mapper... I KNOW how difficult it is to 'keep on keeping on' and 'doing the right thing'... but I have a simple 'motto' that I LIVE by... and that is... 'YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE'.
You may not see the benefits or 'payoffs' IMMEDIATELY... but you WILL see them... ;)
GMP
And this is why I never am
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
And this is why I never am able to tell him I'm upset by his actions because of how he reacted last night. He comes home and within a minute or two he says "Oh you were mad last night weren't you?" Apparently he thought I was going to say my usual of "No it was okay" and I say "Yes, I was a little irritated." He goes "WHAT?! Oh because I didn't ask you to meet up with me afterwards?" I say "No, because I thought we were going to have dinner together and that's why I left the picnic early." He goes "We have dinner together EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! I left my phone in my backpack which I had left at work so I couldn't call you until we had gotten back from the bar. It was all very impromptu and I thought you'd be gone from the picnic by 4PM". Okay last night he told me he didn't call because he thought I'd be gone from the picnic at 5, and now he's saying 4. I say "The picnic didn't even START until 4!" He goes "Fine whatever". And obviously this whole thing wasn't "impromptu" because you told me the night before that you had asked your coworker to follow you to the customers house and then you'd go to the bar afterwards. You KNEW this before you even left work and you couldn't call me??
Then for the next 30 minutes I heard "Well are you cooking so we can have that meal together?" "I'm going into the computer room but you let me know when it's ready so we can eat together because I wouldn't want to miss it". "Good thing we've got a 3-day weekend to eat together". After that I said to him 'Please just let it go" and he goes "Oh now you don't want to hear about it huh?"
This is EXACTLY what happened 2 years ago when I came home about 1 1/2 hours late from an after work party. Same circumstances of not having my phone on me and not being able to call him. Oh my god, was he LIVID about the fact that I didn't call. He didn't let that go for days about "Make sure to come home tonight" and "Don't get so drunk you can't find your way home". THe exact same thing he did the night before but when he does it, it's no big deal and I'm making a huge deal out of nothing, but I do it and he will make sure to remind me of how I f'd up for days!
It's all your fault.
Submitted by dancermom on
and when you did it last year it was "different" - Somehow. But now you are making a big deal of nothing. etc. etc. etc.
So sorry, Mapper. It sucks. There's a lot of fog in this story.
I'll take a crack at translating. (And then we should ask ourselves, why would we try so hard to track what people intend and commit to us when they don't put in place the supports it would take to track these things for themselves?)
1. When you first mentioned the picnic, he didn't want to go. That was true and it never changed (hindsight). You would have liked him to go, if he wasn't such a shit, but you didn't push the point. And he had no clue.
2. Later, you mentioned you were going to the picnic(out of concern you didn't get the flak like last year), but were trying to make a plan for when you'd get home (modeling a considerate communication, good move). He never meant it when he said 'get a plate for me' (that was just feel good talk in the moment).
3. You decided to leave the picnic early and come home and cook brats for him and you told him when you'd be home. You are offering a proposal to be with him, as if him wanting to be with you might be important. But really, this was your own decision, not a negotiation. (How much of this was your own wish to leave early and how much was it Placating? But why not just make a decision, when dealing with people who don't actually negotiate?)
4. He heard "Don't worry, I won't be home late like last time." and discarded the rest.
5. He made plans to hang out with co-workers and since he didn't want to deal with you, (even though he knew he'd be three doors down) he rationalized a bunch of bs, left his phone behind, got mushy in his mind about the times involved. Really, he just took the opportunity to hang out with co-workers, without you and he feels he has the right to do this and he didn't want to negotiate or explain all that. He just wanted to do it, so he did.
6. Since he did what he wanted and he wasn't the one at home wondering where you were, it was all cool for him and that means everything is cool.
7. You being annoyed at him over such a small thing is a big drag and therefore you are the problem. And last year was different. Because. Reasons. Somehow. Don't be picky. And quit it.
You are right in saying I
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
You are right in saying I left the picnic early to placate him. I wanted to stay. I wanted to hang out and have a good time, but in my mind all I could think is if I'm not home before he is he's going to accuse me of being drunk or not bringing him anything to eat and how could I be so thoughtless. He told me yesterday that his buddy has a ticket to this video game thing on Monday and he's going to go down and spend the day there. See, I am supposed to be perfectly fine with that, and that is fine if he wants to hang out with someone, but if I just told him I was going to go hang out with a friend of mine, I'd hear "Oh fine just leave me here alone! I guess I'll have to amuse myself while you have fun". It's fine for him to do whatever and have fun and I'm supposed to understand but god forbid I do something without consulting him about it first! Even if I do I still get the smarmy attitude.
"Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave" Mapper
Submitted by kellyj on
I know this is absolutely frustrating for you and I want to be sympathetic because I really am. It sounds to me as if....there are so many things in what you said ...that it's difficult to understand exactly what the problem is in the first place?? It appears to be a case of things:
A) Not being said
B) Assumed
C) The problem....isn't being identified and talk about straight up in an honest open way
So what's the problem on your end? And what's the problem on his end?
As I heard you.....you have all these past things coming into play here that are dictating to you....what you do and how you approach your husband.
And as I heard him....he's not being honest about why he doesn't want to go to your company pick-nick and would rather not go....but is not telling you why?
And as I hear you.....you want him to go....but why? Your reasoning as I heard you...is because everyone else who will be there will be with their spouses and you had to go alone? Is that right?
I can only go off of what you said here and I'm not trying to read anything into what you said...and what your husband said and just go off of face value of the interactions you had....you're own assessments of your husbands motivations or rather......speculating as to why he did what he did and how it all ended up this way?
What I see....without reading anything more into what your husband did.......was him telling you one thing....and ended up doing something else that was not disclosed to you at the time? What I heard him say in few words was......"I don't want to go".
And what I heard you saying was...."I want you to go.....I wanted you to go.....but now that you're not going.....I think you should be doing ( or have done ) something else instead?
And what I saw in his actions was......once he "indicated" (but not really saying "WHY" he didn't want to go? ) in a very indirect way thinking he told you "I don't want to go because I would rather be doing something else instead...while you're doing something else that you want to do so now I'm free to do what ever I want to do.......but don't really have to say it. Because I already did.....kind of sort of.....indirectly without saying it??? Assuming you understood that....which of course you didn't.....Because he didn't say it??? If that makes any sense at all? I thinking you do because this is what he does right? How frustrating this must be yes??? I would be too...just so you know.
If I can offer you something here.....it would be just my perspective and what I would have done differently if I were you. That's all I can do....but it's not like I haven't been here before either? On both sides of this including with my wife now.
Something similar like this just happened that was much easier to separate out than what happened with you.....but even different...with some very similar things going on. And I was able to avoid any problems that might have come from it.....by using the past....but in a different way?
My wife....has a tendency...to get way ahead of herself in her thinking. With all good intentions....she will make assumptions without asking me first if it's something I want to do...or would even like doing in the first place. In this case....there was no "implied obligation" as it was with you and I don't see anything wrong with you saying...."You know....I NEED you to be there for me this time. I NEED you to go to my company picknick....and represent me as my spouse as a duty since this kind of falls into one of those somewhat "obligatory social functions" where traditionally, spouses are represented there to serve somewhat of an obligatory function along with this obligatory mandated social event......even if you don't want to go and you don't think it sounds fun. That is....you're doing it .."FOR ME".....in other words....whether you think it will be fun or not. Even for just a little while....just to make a showing and then you can cut loose if you're not enjoying it.
Or something along those lines. If that's really the case and what was happening....I would have said so up front. And what I would have expected from my wife if it had been just that with me? For her to piss and moan about it and not really want to go. And if she didn't want to go and be around people she didn't know very well....especially!! She would not be happy with going....and she would make it clear how unhappy she was about having to be "obligated" in going to something....that wasn't even her co-workers or would even want to spend any time with in the first place? And I would hear about what a big deal this was...and how unhappy she was all at the same time...and she would be kind of a brat about the whole thing and be a real burden to have along in doing this. And she would be grouchy and irritable the entire time and then make a big deal about it even after we got home.
I know this sounds completely selfish on my wife's part.....but taking into consideration....she is very uneasy and not very comfortable...around groups or people where she has to be social and not feel intimidated or like being are judging her or watching her every move which is what she believes sometimes out of her own insecurities. No one cares and no one is watching or paying that much attention to my wife and what she does.....but that's not what comes through to me and not what she actually believes is happening.
Is she going to say....."I feel very intimidated around a bunch of people that I don't know very well like you do.....and I'm really nervous about these situations because I feel everyone is staring at me and watching me especially when I say things and people look at me funny and it makes me extremely uncomfortable...especially when I don't know them like you do. It's not that I don't want to go "with you"....it's that I don't want to go ....with all those "other people" that you know well..and I don't. It makes me really nervous and very uncomfortable and I would :"rather not" be put in that kind of situation."
The answer is NO...She is not going to say this and she never will or does...but I know that's what she thinking and how she feels about it...even without having to ask her? The whole time she would be there....she would be irritable...and thinking these strange people that she doesn't know well enough to trust "how they might view her"....would be judging her and looking at her every move and thinking poorly of her.....especially, since they work with me and I tell them (who knows what about her....it can't be good...I know that much??) and these bad things about me ahead of time even before I would meet them.
Ironically....I have never said one disparaging thing about my wife to my own family members or any of my friends as I have done here. Not even once...to anyone. I have never said ONE negative thing about my wife....to anyone that I know or would possibly ever meet her in person. Not even ONE time ever...and that's a fact. It's not the way I operate and I do it for that reason alone. I would never set my wife up...to meet anyone...where I have flavored the content of how someone else might see my wife....if I hadn't done that to begin with or in the first place. I let anyone who meets my wife....make up their own minds about her and I don't need to add or put into that....of anything on my account.
But since my wife does this with her friends at times...and talks about our problems and does exactly the very the very thing.....THAT I DO NOT DO EVER!!!! She assumes that people know things about her...and talk about her behind her back......yet.. there is NO WAY they could unless I actually said something? She thinks people see her as she see's herself...and that's through a poor lens of low self esteem...that no one else would even consider unless she acted in the very ways that says she does. She's the one doing this to herself....it's not me for sure. But there is this assumption however...she takes with her that "thinks" that somehow....they know????
So in a reverse of what happened with you.....my wife was invited to go to the coast with two co-workers since on of them got a really nice room right on the water at the beach. These are two co-workers that she knows well and have both...heard of our problems we have together. I like both of these ladies and I don't take that on to mean much of anything......although....there is a bais on behalf of my wife's side of things that is built into every time I'm around these two at different times but also saying.....they have their own minds and think what they think of me...and I have never given them personally...any reason to think anything about me one way or the other...that they haven't witnessed them selves?
But beyond that.....my wife approaches me with a mention...that she'd like me to go along if I wanted to since there was an extra bed there that was going empty.
Now....I can't speak for anyone else but myself here.....but the times I've been in the company of either one of these two women with my wife and just me there.....I cannot tell you how quickly....I had no interest what so ever....i the topics and discussions that I heard going on. Beauty products and nail colors??? OMFG!!! Get me out of here!!!! lol Not exclusively but there is just no way....I would enjoy hanging around with 3 woman at the beach while they do there thing and I'm just the 3rd wheel? And why? So my wife can be with me...and them at the same time?? It is what she wanted...but I told her pretty much straight up....that this was the wrong time, and the wrong place....for me to be there in the first place let alone....want to be there while she is commiserating with her two friends. (are you kidding me??? LOL )
But I didn't try and make it about something it wasn't. I want my wife to go to the beach and enjoy herself and I don't NEED to be there at all. I would really enjoy myself in reality...and I would feel kind of trapped....into doing...what ever "they" wanted to do...but mostly....have nothing really to say...and not really be interested in much they had to say as a "group" together. Not that hard to figure out...but my wife was totally not thinking about this at all when she said...."I'd like you to be there." Why? For her.....or for me?
But when I told her straight up....exactly the same things I've said here....she understood....because this is not hard to understand. No pussy footing around and being indirect here.....it is what I feel like...and it is what I want....or don't want and I said so ...and these very reason why to her.
And it wasn't an issue and she's going and going to have fun. And I'm going to stay here and relax and enjoy myself...what ever I end up doing? I don't have a plan....other than not going with her to the beach with her two co-worker friends?
Now if I had been in your husbands postition....I would have said all the reservations I would have had in going right up front...the same as I did with my wife going the other way....but if I felt like I suspect my wife does about going to social events with strangers and I was uneasy or uncomforatable...but was going to go anyway on her account as a "obligatory social engagement" that I would prefer not to go to but was going to anyway becuase I understood why and how this would be "for my wife" and not me. I would say so up front and be honest about not really wanting to go but going anyway just for her....but I would go....and I would pleasant and probably end of enjoying myself anyway....with the caveat that says straight up..." don't trap me there with you ......if I want to leave and I'm really not having fun...and make me stay there past the time I would want to leave...and so to make that happen if I need to go early.....I will drive my own car so I can do that if you want to stay longer and be with your friend's if that's the case.
I would have taken full responsibility for me...and getting my own needs met....and predicted any contingencies ahead of time...spoken them up all up front along with any reservations I might have.....told my wife what I want...and I what I don't want...and make sure my butt was covered no matter what happened or what my wife did...with or without me.
I would not make anything I do....contingent on what anyone else would do...period. I'm not waiting for anyone else...or am not changing what I would do either way....or making that dependent on them not matter what happened...and carried on with doing what ever I would do normally....as if they were not even there. If they're with me and they're enjoying themselves fine. If they're with me...and they're not enjoying themselves. That ain't my problem. As long as I gave them a heads up to what they could expect...and what they could expect from me....straight up ahead of time.....it ain't my problem to do their thinking for them. There problems...are not automatically mine as long as I did everything in my power to predict things as best I can...tell they how I actually feel...and do everything in my power...to make sure there butt is covered as well as mine.
And if their still unhappy after all of that and are just sour grapes.....that ain't my problem either...and I don't spend any time worrying about it. I can continue to have a good time with or without them....whether they leave...or whether they stay....it makes no difference to me....one way...or the other. How they feel, how they think and how happy or unhappy they are...is not my responsibility. End of story.
This seems like a very similar situation Mapper in it's own right even though different....but what I see missing in what you said....is all that up front honesty and saying exactly what you expect...and exactly what you want...and the reasons why you feel that way.
And I don't hear anything like this ...coming from your husband as well. If you're not saying these things or trying to predict what your husband will do in the future....by using the past to do so without actually "saying these words out loud no matter what he says or whether he likes it or not"....you are not giving him the same opportunity to say what he feels...the same as he's doing with you.
All that "figuring" and "ciphering" your doing in your head...without saying so to him right then in the moment if you don't know ......or if he isn't being clear to you (which it sounds like he's totally not)...then you need to ask and say so...and tell him exactly what you want and expect and not wait for him to "figure it out".
And just so you know....if that had been me with my wife and I had a company pick nick and she made some kind of overture that she really didn't want to go.....I would tell her she needs to go this time and explain exactly why...and then leave her an out to leave early...just like i would have done for myself if it had been the reverse....whether she like it or not. Liking or wanting to go....would not really be an option in that case as far as I would be concerned. The same as being "happy about it". I would go with my wife and put my best foot forward. But if I didn't want to be there in the first place.....I'm not required to be Happy? I'm only required...to do my duty and do my part for my wife in turn...when I'm called up to the plate and it's my turn at bat. What I'm not going to do....is pretend to be happy about going with my wife...even if I go to something I really don;t want to do....but I would say so...and not beat around the bush and do so....indirectly...and assume she knows that...without actually saying those words???? Know what I mean???
What's fair for the goose...is also fair for the gander as they say?
J
Wow! I will have to sit down
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Wow! I will have to sit down and read this post JJamieson a few more times as there's just a lot there.
But none of this is about him not coming to the picnic. That was never the issue. He didn't want to go, that's fine. I'd like him there but I'm not going to dwell on it. What bothered me was this: The fact that I purposely didn't stay and have dinner at the picnic because I told him we could have brats for supper and then he doesn't show up at home until 9PM. AND the fact that he didn't call me to tell me he was going to be 2 hours late because he was going to a bar. I would NEVER EVER go out after work and not let him know that's what I was doing and I that I was going to be 2 hours late. Even when he got pissed off at me 2 years ago for being home 1 1/2 later than I said I would, at least he KNEW that I was at an after work function. There wasn't one word ot me that he was going out after work. I think that's pretty disrespectful.
Mapper, if I may..
Submitted by Zapp10 on
You, like most of us, have "expectations". To "us" they are reasonable and normal. One of the best pieces of advice I got was to "lower" my expectations. Trust me, that sounded awful but I considered it over time......and decided to "try" it. It actually was the first step in my "opening" MY EYES to what I could do to HELP me. It also helped me see HOW MUCH I allowed my life to evolve around my H. It helped me let go of "working" on a one sided relationship. And while telling your spouse that you have lowered your expectation from them is NOT the way to go.....because my H is not actively (with me) willing to discuss adhd......the time arose one day where he said something to the effect of "you know I stayed home from church today because I thought we could do something together".....I said " you didn't tell me you were doing that nor why you were doing that.I have NO WAY to read your mind. You need to lower YOUR expectations that I will drop everything to do something with you. Just as my expectations need to be lowered concerning you." That went over like a lead balloon....and was met with stony silence...like most things are...BUT the point was made and has not been forgotten.
They are not going to respond to us how we would like as long as denial is present. No I would never treat my H the way I have been treated....but I am done...with my own denial....and it is freeing.
The Condenced Version Mapper lol
Submitted by kellyj on
Yes....that was disrespectful, without a doubt. Cutting right down to the chase.....don't make what you do....contingent on him period. I'm so familiar with this "double booking" ordeal that it's not even funny. Either he's going...or he' not going. YES or NO!!! There's no ...maybe's or anything left up in the air or not nailed down with a definite YES, I want to...or I'm going. Anything but an affirmative Yes.....should mean. I will see you when I see you.
Don't worry about me....I'll be fine. If your worried about me.....you'll be worrying all by yourself.
Hit him with that one next time....and don't change your plans or what your doing for him....no matter what he says. If he's not with you....then he not with you until he is? When ever?
Possession....is 9 tenths of the law here...the train leaves without him if he can't figure out the schedule or decides to do something else in between.....(you being the train in this case).. the train doesn't change schedule...for the one person who can't get to the station on time right?
I remember running late for school one day and running to the door....to see my father pulling out our driveway...and driving off down the street. Do you think....I forgot that one...when I was standing there with my mouth open and didn't have a ride to school?? LOL
There is something to be said...... in favor of my father and doing that with me. I still remember it too this day. Think about it?? lol
J
he's got you coming and going
Submitted by dancermom on
And I get why you try to predict what will rile him up and then avoid that thing. I really do.
But that's how we lose ourselves, giving it away piece by piece.
And for me? Even worse than becoming megabitch was realizing I couldn't even figure out what I wanted anymore. What to go TOWARD that would nourish me. So lost. I'm still trying to come back.
Mapper, I can so relate
Submitted by StelleBelle on
Mapper, I can so relate (altho I'm new here). I typically give my H a heads-up about events like this a week or two in advance. I'm well aware that the answer he gives me at that time may well change, or he may completely forget that we discussed it. It sucks when the event required a RSVP and/or I had to pay to bring him as a guest. I'll remind him again a couple of days before. Half the time he'll either tell me I never mentioned the event, or he now says the opposite of his original response (either now he wants to attend, or now he doesn't). I'll remind him the day of the event (whether I'm attending alone, or what time we need to to leave if he's going with me), depending on what his most recent response had been. Again, it's frequently completely new news to him, OR, he's changed his mind AGAIN regarding whether he wants to go. So aggravating. Honestly, I don't mind going alone if he prefers not to join me, but I hate him going back and forth, or just as bad telling me we never discussed it. I don't want to exclude him from things like this, but what should be a simple discussion about our plans drives me nuts. This has happened countless times over the years, so it's hard for me to not take the past into account.
I also hate that I can't tell
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I also hate that I can't tell him when I don't like or agree with what he did because then he just can't let it go and keeps bringing it up. 99% of the time I just brush it under the rug when I'm upset with him because I know he'll just turn it around to make me feel bad. I just say its no big deal even though it upsets me and then go on with life. The 1% of the time I have the guts to tell him I'm upset he still makes me feel like I'm making a huge deal out of nothing and then the rest of the day or even for the next few days he'll make a point to make a scene about it. Like I said when I told him I expected to have dinner with him the other night when he came home late. I heard the comments "are you making dinner tonight? Because I'd hate for is not to eat together tonight." And "good thing we have a 3 day weekend so we can eat together every night."
He just can't let it go and then when I tell him to drop it he goes "oh now you don't want to hear about it!" I hate that I can't tell him how I feel without dealing with the repercussions of actually being upset with him once in a while.