I am ashamed of my anger and hate and resentment. I accept that I have been working too hard at this relationship - so much that the relationship is a burden to him and to me. I have become Pavlov's dog conditioned to expect disappointment and heartache. My ADD husband has been the manipulator who unknowingly? has been giving me the painful constantly surprising electric shocks of forgetting me/ignoring me/empty promises/empty words of love/flirting with others/staying distant when I need him. At first the little shocks were surprising and upsetting but with years and years the little painful schocks have become expected and tolerated to the point where I would let them kill me because I am now so accustomed to the pain. When I would dare to trust/be open/expect anything/communicate honestly/trust/trust/trust again, I would be rewarded with the little shocks of disappointment/denials/argument/crazy-making turn-arounds. My expectation of pain and disappointment has now extended itself to other parts of my life. I know if I had married someone who could have shared life WITH me, nurture the side of me that wants to love and trust and give to each other, I would not be carrying this regret and emptiness around with me. It's been 35 years. So, I will recognize and accept that in my life I felt I needed someone to walk this journey with to be happy. I thought I needed a dad to complete the mom and dad part in the family. I thought I needed a lover/husband/soulmate. I worked for that trying to extract that from this man who made me love him with his romantic ways and focus on me at the beginning. But the fact is, I can't have that with this man. He can only take care of himself and protect himself. I must "manage" him and have boundaries with him to live in a sane world. This does not describe a happy world to me. This does not even seem to be truthful and open way to exist in life or a marriage. But to survive this marriage, it must be my choice to be "the manager/manipulator" or go out into the world alone. Someone this week said it and it rings true for me too..... "I was stupid to stay in this marriage." I would bet even my husband does not respect me for staying and putting up with him.
So, what can I do? I KNOW that I have lost my self. I don't know what I want at this old age. I had been a willing servant to family - something I was happy to do while the children were young - I was "taking it on the chin" for the sake of family (that was stupid. I wish I had been stronger and stood up for myself and the kids more). But now, I am crazy with rage and regret inside and my husband said, "What did you EVER do for me?" I thought he would love me for the sacrifices I made but he didn't even notice and remembers that he did all the work and sacrifice in his mind and I just complained and was not happy. I feel stripped of the history I thought I was making. What can I do? I can be the person I want to be now. Not worry what people think. Not worry what he thinks - especially him because he doesn't remember to hold a grudge or even to have feelings about anything I do - he doesn't notice. I am not important to his world as long as I am taking care of everything. I can walk out the door and get an apartment, join a book club, go to exercise class, help others, take a painting class, run a marathon, make new friends, do yoga. I would rather cuddle and travel with someone I trust - but I can't have that anymore than a widow can. So I will be independent and work to get my integrity back. I will make getting my confidence and strength back for my self - not for him. I will become beautiful for my self. I will become calm and cheerful and plan excursions and happenings for people who appreciate it and appreciate me.
I don't know if I can do those things while being married to ADD guy. Something crazy goes on that sabotages my efforts at being independently happy. Something inside of me yearns for coupledom, comfort and familiarity and I fear failure and shame and bag-lady-itis. This is where I must be strong and focused myself about what I want and what really is. I will start to value integrity over comfort. I don't FEEL like doing that...I am tired. But I MUST to have any self respect and peace and to try to get over my raging empty heart.
Husband will be OK. He will turn his focus on his flirting ability and soon find a new me quickly. Part of my ego doesn't like that. I don't know if I could trust a new husband anymore. I am Pavlov's dog remember? My husband has taught me to expect to be mistreated. I write this for other's sakes. This is what happens when you have patience and understanding and compassion and forget that you are living your own life trying so damn hard in a dysfunctional relationship. Don't give your life away.
To jennalemon
Submitted by best-is-yet-to-be on
Your entry describes so articulately and beautifully the sadness of the relationship with an ADHD partner who denies the disorder or refuses treatment.
Your statement "Don't give your life away" struck such a note in my soul.
I don't want to misuse Scripture here, mixing spiritual matters with temporal, but the Lord said "Do not cast your pearls before swine." I think He also talked about shaking the dust from your sandals when someone refuses to hear you.
Bless you, jennalemon.
yep
Submitted by veg_girl on
"And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet." Matthew 10:14
jennalemon,that is the most.
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
Jennalemon,that was the most sweetest,painful forum I have ever read.I admire you for your courage and bravery through your long lasting ADD relationship with your ADD spouse.He has to be a complete A** to not love you for the things you have been putting up with,but then again ADD people are poor self_observer's.You brought tears to my eye's with your forum, especially when you stated(this is what happens when you have patience and understanding and compassion and forget that you are living your own life trying so hard in a dysfunctional relationship)
I have been doing all that and more with my ADHD husband and I am very tired also.
may god bless you my dear for sticking through thick and tin.
lovehurts.
My fear exactly
Submitted by veg_girl on
Jennalemon- You've articulated what I fear the most (maybe not the most, but it's up there on the list): I thought he would love me for the sacrifices I made but he didn't even notice and remembers that he did all the work and sacrifice in his mind and I just complained and was not happy.
I understand that marriage is work, even the good marriages. I knew coming into this that there would be tough spots and that we'd each need to make sacrifices. But I had no idea that it would be this difficult all the time. I didn't know that all my effort and sacrifice would go unnoticed and unappreciated. I didn't realize that my friendships would suffer as a result of my marriage (that so much energy was poured into my marriage, leaving little time for my friends; that he would be jealous or suspicious of some friends, so I would essentially give them up, out of respect for his feelings; that many friends would no longer want to spend time with us as a couple b/c the tension was palpable, b/c my anger was palpable, b/c his reckless behavior made everyone uncomfortable...). I didn't realize that I would feel so utterly alone in this marriage, and yet, still love him and hope for a better outcome.
"This is what happens when you have patience and understanding and compassion and forget that you are living your own life trying so damn hard in a dysfunctional relationship."
I don't want to feel like this in 30 years. It's just so tough--there's no way to really know whether you're doing the right thing, choosing the right path...
Veg_girl ,you hit the nail on the head.
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
You hit the nail on the head when you describe losing or giving up your friends "for the respect of his feelings" OMG!! that is me,I did that,I have lost my closest friends and I miss them soo much.I try keeping in contact with one of them through facebook but that is not good enough.I miss my friends for the time we use to hang out and party,I miss them soo much.I tried soo hard with him in this dysfunctional relationship and according to you I don't know either if I am choosing the right path.
I love him still after all that/this and he is not appreciating the things that I did for him/us,and only in his mind but not showing me or giving back the way I would.
this really is hard for me to comprehend,but I am also at lost here just like everyone one else who is like me.
lovehurts.
veg_girl: "I understand that
Submitted by STAR75 on
veg_girl:
"I understand that marriage is work, even the good marriages. I knew coming into this that there would be tough spots and that we'd each need to make sacrifices. But I had no idea that it would be this difficult all the time. I didn't know that all my effort and sacrifice would go unnoticed and unappreciated. I didn't realize that my friendships would suffer as a result of my marriage (that so much energy was poured into my marriage, leaving little time for my friends; that he would be jealous or suspicious of some friends, so I would essentially give them up, out of respect for his feelings; that many friends would no longer want to spend time with us as a couple b/c the tension was palpable, b/c my anger was palpable, b/c his reckless behavior made everyone uncomfortable...). I didn't realize that I would feel so utterly alone in this marriage, and yet, still love him and hope for a better outcome."
^^^^^This^^^^^!!!!!!!
I thought I was the only one. I have very few friends left and my own family (that lives a few minutes) I don't have much time to see. He always wants to be together and I very rarely have a few minutes alone. The little time that I have by myself, he makes comments or accuses me of wanting to be alone so I can call my "boyfriend". Drives me insane to no end. I just want a few minutes of peace and quiet. I recently joined some exercise classes so that I can start losing weight and get healthy (years of neglecting myself to take care of him) and he has the b***s to tell me that I'm not really going to class but I'm off to see someone else.
Powerful and So Very painful
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Aside from a few minor differences, I too, could be the author of that very well written, and ever so tragic summarization. First, let me give you a BIG H*U*G. I feel your pain so deeply. What is it that makes us forego so much? Our hopes, dreams, self worth, happiness, integrity....EVERY FACET OF OUR ENTIRE LIVES??? UGH
I completely understand what you are feeling and saying. I feel as though you are the author of my biography, only 10 years more married than I am, and STILL having the same feelings and disappointments.
What do we do jennalemon? How on Earth do we just blindly go forth, from this day forward and pretend we don't have all this dreadful baggage behind us? I don't know when your husband was diagnosed, or if and what his treatment plan is, but I do know, that it all feels as though it is, in simplest terms, a wound that just never quite heals properly. You can have brief moments where you actually forget it's there, but before you know it, it itches, or bleeds....or has a RAGING INFECTION! No matter how many bandages, or doctors or medicines are involved, it just never heals. We are literally and figuratively scarred for life, and GOD does it hurt.
My Mom was widowed at 30 with us three small children. She remained alone until her passing at 68. I saw her watch with envy, her friends as "couples", her parents, married 64 years, as a "couple" and even strangers as "couples". I hoped I would never have that feeling, but sadly, even after 25 years of marriage, and essentially 34 years together, I do. I see what could have been, what I wanted it to be, and then SMASH...reality sets in and I know that I never did have it, and I never will.
I have no doubt that my husband loves me. Whatever love is, to him, or whatever kind of love it is that he has to offer. The guilt enters here, when I say that. What kind of person says that? It all sounds so horrifically cruel on my part. I just feel safe typing it here, knowing that someone understands.
I needed to vent. Will this make me feel better? We will see. Again, H*U*G*S jennalemon. My heart aches for you, for me, for anyone involved in this horrific ADHD mess.
NJTWINMOM,I second that,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I second that,it's clearly a mess!
lovehurts.
Wow... that's all
Submitted by Marginal on
Wow... that's all I've got...Wow...
You pretty much described how I feel. I *want* to have that trust, the love etc etc, but years of living with my ADD husband have left me a shadow of my former self. I used to be independent, focused etc etc. Now, I feel old, unattractive, not worthy of love and stupid, so, so stupid. I should have left years ago (even before the diagnosis came through) but I didn't. I thought it was me who was being difficult. People around me told me *I* was the problem. Always being on DH's case, constantly reminding him to do stuff etc etc but if I didn't he wouldn't do them! I tried to explain that to people too, but they just said I never gave him the chance to do anything off his own bat (not true, I gave him plenty of opportunities to do things on his own timescale; Didn't matter how long I gave him, it never got done. Even though he promised he would).
You're absolutely right when you say "Don't give your life away" but I have a real problem making that ultimate decision. It would feel as if I've failed. As if I've failed to 'fix' my husband, I've failed to have a good relationship and I've failed at marriage. I'm not sure my already battered self esteem could handle that. Not that it makes my marriage any better now but at least the world isn't aware of my failings as long as I stay in the marriage.
Shockwaves
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
That's the only word that comes to mind when I read Marginals one sentence...."people told me I was the problem"
I got a shock through my body and tears welled up immediately when I read that. I got that too. Mostly from my Mother. I think that's what hurt the most. Isn't your Mother supposed to be on your side?
Got the blame soooo many times....people could have sworn it HAD to be me. This great, friendly, footloose and fancy free guy was married to such a BITCH, with such a stick up her ass all the time. THAT is me.
Surely, now when I see a marriage fall apart, I am far less judgemental, as NO ONE knows, but the couple themselves, what goes on in a marriage.
wow!!! NJTWINMOM,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I thought you were a woman! opps! ha ha!
lovehurts.
What??????
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
???????????????
sorry!
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
lovehurts. I thought wrong.
Lovehurts
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
You have me very, very, very confused.
Marginal, "I used to be
Submitted by STAR75 on
Marginal,
"I used to be independent, focused etc etc. Now, I feel old, unattractive, not worthy of love and stupid, so, so stupid."
Feel like that everyday. Enough so that I think sometimes I am going crazy.
My heart goes out to you. You have not failed. You have to be true to yourself and if that means no longer being married, then so be it. After devoting 35 years to your marriage, no one can say that you haven't tried or made an effort to make it work.
Not quite up to 35 years yet :)
Submitted by Marginal on
that was the original poster Jennalemon. She deserves a medal for keeping going for that long! Thank you for your kind words though, Star!) I've done roughly a third of that and the thought of another 25 like this makes me want to scream. That in itself should tell me enough of course. I *should* get out of this marriage, I should be on my own, find myself again but then, when we have good days, I see the guy I fell in love with all those years ago and it always makes me wonder if I have really tried hard enough to make it work.
Sorry to get the numbers
Submitted by STAR75 on
Sorry to get the numbers confused! The sentiment remains :)
fake vs. real failure
Submitted by MagicSandwich on
The fear-of-failure and did-I-try-hard-enough mantras will get you nowhere. The only real failure at this point would be to continue to live unhappily. If you need backup on this, just open the obituary page and note the number of people who lost out on a joyful existence because their lives ended too early due to disease or catastrophic event; they had no choice. You do.
Harsh Reality
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Your words hit HARD. Just as they were intended to.
It's all true, then why is it sooooo hard to move on?????
Thanks
Submitted by jennalemon on
Thanks for the responses. I feel heard and not so alone.
Sad and Confused and feeling HOPELESS
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Rough week, then weekend with the ADHD hubby. Distance, disconnect.......he didn't like a truly simple, innocent word I used...and well you all know what happened from there.
This article was in my mind. from the minute I read it. I wanted to present it to him, read it to him, get him to read it.....SOMETHING....but it didn't happen. I wanted him to see the whole thread, including the post from marginal, where she said the "whole family thought it was her." God, that has been ME for the last 34 years (since we met).
I feel he NEEDS to see I am NOT the only woman out there with this sadness, this anger, this guilt for even considering that I too, have feelings. YET, anytime "my feelings" are presented//addressed/discussed, I feel as though he takes it as I'm just presenting it to cause him pain. Not an "ah ha" growth moment. Not a moment to self-reflect, to have compassion, to try to "make good"....just pain on his part (yep---it's ALWAYS ALL ABOUT HIM)
After a bad weekend with him, tons of rain today, my son not feeling well, husband working odd hours this week (leaving NO time/chance for discussion), so everything just making me need to vent again.....sorry.
I am vith you
Submitted by NOVA1986 on
"I feel he NEEDS to see I am NOT the only woman out there with this sadness, this anger, this guilt for even considering that I too, have feelings. YET, anytime "my feelings" are presented//addressed/discussed, I feel as though he takes it as I'm just presenting it to cause him pain. Not an "ah ha" growth moment. Not a moment to self-reflect, to have compassion, to try to "make good"....just pain on his part (yep---it's ALWAYS ALL ABOUT HIM)"
NJTWINMOM, I hope you can overcome this guilty/ anger/ frustration feelings soon. I know we have the tendency to prefer having the empathy/sympathy from our ADDer DH, than from a friend, but they do not want to hear about our pain. But someday we need tolear torun away that tendency because it hurt the worst.
Best wishes, take care!
It's all of us
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
The initial post in this thread was about guilt/anger and frustration. All of us commenting here seem to be riddled with it, not just me. I'm unsure why only my name was mentioned, but thank you.
The ADHD husband's response
Submitted by catch22adhd on
Jennalemon, I want to first thank you for clearly articulating how you feel. I want to thank you for pouring out your soul through years of anguish and frustration. But if you would allow me, I would like to respond to your original post.
I am an adhd husband and my heart literally broke as I read through this thread. I do not know if it hurt me this much because of what you have endured or because my wife would count herself as your fellow sister in anguish. I would express this to my wife of less than half of the years you have been married, but I fear the words would not be enough to penetrate the scar tissue on her heart. Therefore I would like to say this on hopefully the behave of other husbands out there that has caused such pain.
I am sorry for every moment that you had to be alone. I am sorry for every unfulfilled desire that you have had to live with. I am sorry for every time you wanted me to hold your hand and I put mine in my pocket. I am so sorry for causing you to live in a perpetual state of hopelessness. I am sorry for not making our marriage about you and your hopes, dreams and desires. I am sorry for every conversation that you initiated but I stole and made it about me. I am tormented each time I think of the different parts of you that you gave up in hopes of a healthy relationship with me. I am sorry for every silent scream you made to get me to hear you and to understand how you felt. I am sorry for every birthday that I disappointed and under appreciated you. I am sorry for every mother's day that you were not blessed by me according to the mother that you have always been. I am sorry for every uncoordinated anniversary that I did not spend time and thought preparing for. I am sorry for every evening that I came home and did not make an earnest attempt to connect with you and the family.
I am sorry for each day I went to work and made no attempt to call or text you just to let you know that I was thinking about you. I am sorry for every time you had to remind me to do what I should have been doing simply based on common sense. I am sorry for every event that you had to plan alone. From taking family pictures to planning an outing during the weekend. I am sorry for every time I did not follow through on what I said I would do. I am sorry for every aspect of you that you loss for me. I am so sorry for waiting this long to get help. I can no longer continue to say I am sorry because just thinking of the many missed opportunities makes me grieve deeply.
If you will let me, I will work to make it all about you. I know that these are mere words, but I am willing to continue in earnest the medication treatment plan to help me overcome me. I am willing to go through the battery of therapy sessions so that I can become a student of me and my condition so that I can be the partner that I need to be for you and us. I understand that there can really be no us until I deal with and overcome me. I promise to devote my time, energy, finances and self for the purpose of assisting you fulfill your dormant dreams and aspirations. I would be lying if I told you that I will never make another mistake, but do know that I will be holding myself accountable so that I will be the husband, friend, soul mate, lover, and life partner that you deserve.
These are words but I will dedicate the rest of my life trying to soothe the many years of pain that I have caused. I may never win your heart again but I will make sure that you have some one that you can depend on and who loves you dearly.
If I have offended any one I am sorry. As I said these are the words that I would like to say to my wife but I fear she is too wounded by me to hear them.
you said it all
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Beautifully written. I had to go look at your other posts to see if maybe, just maybe, you weren't my husband on here writing what I need/deserve to hear. Sadly, you aren't, but WOW. If you can just continue to live the life you have promised in that post, your wife will be one of the luckiest women alive. Never give up hope that things really can be that way.
I wish you and your wife all the best.
say it don't be afraid,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
catch22adhd,Say the words just the same way you wrote it,You,made me cry, b/c I am longing for my husband to say those sweet words to me and mean it.I can't tell you how this could change her resentment and turn around her "whole"emotions,If I were you I would not wait another minute to pour out what you have written.
That is the sweetest forum I ever read.
Lovehurts.
For JennaLemon
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You seem to be at a turning point (at least I hope you are) and ready to set your boundaries and priorities so that they reflect YOU...not some idea of what you think you might be able to turn your marriage into. This is an important point for you - think hard about who you want to be and how a person who is that person you want to be would act. Then BE that person. (If you want more info on how to do this, it's in my book in the chapter on setting boundaries). You don't have to make a decision about your relationship at this moment in time - since the work is all about you, that's where your focus should be right now.
When I went through this, one of the things I concluded was that I simply couldn't live a life in which I didn't respect myself and those i was closest to. This realization made me make quite a few changes about what I was willing to put up with, and how I treated other people. As soon as I started to take control of my life again I found that I was greatly relieved...I was also less angry. To take control you have to let the past live in the past and focus on the NOW and the future - i.e. what is it that I need to do today to be the person I want to be. So I, at least, stopped worrying about fixing my partner or my past. He was who he was...and my past was what it was...I had done the best I could and it was still unsatisfying. I had to accept that and figure out how to move forward.
Ned Hallowell gave me great advice at this stage about figuring out what I wanted. It turned out that what I wanted more than anything else was to be a certain kind of person - a person, in fact, whom I had been in the past when I had been happier. Everything else could "fall out" from there. Though this may well not happen in your case, what ended up happening was that I transformed my approach to my life quite quickly after coming to this turning point. In so doing, I became (and started acting like) the person I used to be and wanted to be again. I determined that I had ZERO control over my husband. The combination meant a significant shift in our relationship...and also meant that suddenly the woman he had originally fallen in love with was back and was worth making some extra effort to keep.
Even if he had decided to move on in a different direction, I would still have come out in great shape because instead of being lost, I had found myself again. I wish for you the same outcome.
What makes me the saddest
Submitted by SherriW13 on
What makes me the saddest about stories like this (very close to my own...) is that this does not have to happen. The good news is that it can change TODAY. What helped me was meeting people that I wanted to badly to be like...not necessarily due to envy, just that I LOVED their positive attitudes about life. That was what I wanted to be like, when Melissa says you need to figure out what kind of person you want to be, that was what kind of person I wanted to be. I always feel God is watching over me, and He made it easy for me to figure out what it was I was missing the most in life...Joy. Pure and simple. I would have one perspective (negative, as you can imagine) and these people would somehow magically see it in a different way. Wow. How did I ever lose (or not learn along the way) the ability to see things from a positive perspective? Wow! Just WOW!! Don't continue to hate and blame those who hurt us...pray for them...and start saving yourself!
KEY POINT...YOU CANNOT CHANGE, FIX, OR CONTROL your husband. Accept it 100%...repeat it over and over and over again until you REALLY get it. THEN you will start to let go and focus on you. As long as you live under the illusion that you must 'manage and manipulate' him (for whatever reason it is that you've done this all along) then you are never going to be free of the bonds that his ADHD has on you.
You're co-dependent. Read Co-Dependent No More..and read it again. Hear what she is saying. I identify 100% with you...and I identified 100% with the book...I think it will help you if you're open to believing that you cannot do this anymore, you have to make some changes, and those changes are within your power to make. Even if your DH changes nothing.
Best case scenario, you find joy for yourself again, let him manage his own shit, and you both grow stronger and happier. Might be, like Melissa said, that he doesn't come around and doesn't grow at all...you're still better off because you've learned to control your own life again. Don't do for ANY OTHER REASON than YOU deserve better and you TRULY want happiness and to feel joy in your heart again.
One day, after starting on my path to self discovery, I was listening to CD No More on my iPod and taking a walk. It was a warm, fall day...and the wind blew...I looked up and the trees were responding to the wind...and as it blew on my face it truly felt like God saying to me "I am here, everything will be OK..just keep moving forward" I have told this story before, I literally felt like the earth opened up before my eyes for the first time in YEARS and I finally realized that I had been missing out on MY LIFE. It was the most bittersweet feeling I have ever had. I cried...one minute in sadness, the next in joy. It took my breath momentarily...but from then on, I knew I was going to be OK. The process isn't fast, but as long as you focus on YOU and don't fall back into the old patterns of trying to make everything OK for everyone, you will keep moving forward and you will find joy again.
Yes, it can be done (or at least the process can start) with him in your life. I feel it is the ultimate test. Once you find peace and happiness again, and your light has been restored, if he still doesn't respond and still chooses to remain stuck in his ADHD muck, then at least you know that you've done all you could. Maybe then it would be time to move on. Or, maybe with more inner peace you can learn to love things in him that you aren't able to now...who knows?
Lastly, as you start to grow, bloom, and find happiness...breaking the old patterns, he will most likely not like it...and things might get worse with him before they get better...just be prepared, recognize it, and keep moving forward. Each day always presents an opportunity to grow...and to help them grow by saying "this is your issue, you need to deal with it...I am not" with a smile in your heart. ((((HUGS))) It is never too late...
Thank you for posting this.
Submitted by doingmybest on
Thank you for posting this.
Today is not a good day and I was beginning to think maybe it IS me. Maybe I do these things that causes DH to act this way. We just had an argument about helping pick up around the house. He sat in front of his PC and I said "your helping me pick up remember" (I'm sure I sounded irritated I have to re-direct him a lot). He said "I did" which of course he did not. So more irritation and enter yet another fight of "I didn't say that" "no I didn't" "well you do this". All because I reminded him he was helping me pick up for company tonight and he said he did. The worst part, he got aggressively in my face in front of my kids. I backed away and said please do not come at me in a threatening manor I don't like it it scares me. He said he didn't and to not say that to him in front of the kids (I just kept repeating it calmly hoping he'd get it) I tried to tell him he does it a lot. He thinks it's okay because he would never hit me. I was severely physically abused as a child. I assume everyone is going to hit me if they get angry and approach me. He rolled his eyes shook his head told me I was delusional that I am screwing up the kids talking to him that way in front of them and walked away. I was actually considering he was right until I read this. So thank you for posting. Maybe I'll let him read it when he's cooled off, not that it would do any good. He's has already forgotten the whole thing by now.
That All May Be True
Submitted by bilf on
But, something I'm hearing in there sounds like a spot of oppositional defiant disorder, which I don't see talked about much here.
I'm just throwing that out there because it is common that is with adhd.
The general symptoms are this:
The DSM-IV Revised Fourth Edition written by the American Psychiatric Association uses the following signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder as its diagnostic criteria(1):
A. A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least 6 months, during which four (or more) of the following are present:
1. Often loses temper
2. Often argues with adults
3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
4. Often deliberately annoys people
5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
7. Is often angry and resentful
8. Is often spiteful or vindictive
Note: Consider a criterion met only if the behavior occurs more frequently than is typically observed in individuals of comparable age and developmental level.
B. The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.
C. The behaviors do not occur exclusively during the course of a Psychotic or Mood Disorder.
D. Criteria are not met for conduct disorder, and, if the individual is age 18 years or older, criteria are not met for antisocial personality disorder.
I was actually floored when I read it, though they don't apparently have the same diagnostic criteria for adults. They apparently call it passive-aggresive disorder in adults, which was something a marriage counselor mentioned to me.
Essa sou eu!Todinha! Eu
Submitted by Ligia on
(translation from Portuguese, original is below)
That's me! I share your pain. I don't even know who I am anymore. I keep thinking: How can my husband have the disorder, why am I the one suffering the consequences? He himself comments that his life is wonderful. He doesn't understand why mine isn't. About flirting, I've been seeing things for 25 years... At first I tried to believe him, but now I can't anymore... After studying so much about ADHD, I came to the conclusion that all the episodes really happened. And apart from that, I'm crushed. I have a happy marriage, I had already accepted my role as caregiver. But flirting hurts the soul...I can't.
Essa sou eu! Eu compartilho a sua dor.Nem sei mais quem eu sou.
Fico pensando:Como pode meu esposo tem o transtorno,porque sou eu que sofro as consequências dele?
Ele mesmo comenta sua vida é maravilhosa.Nao entende porque a minha não é.
Sobre o flerte, é eu que vejo coisas a 25 anos..
No começo tentei acreditar nele , mas agora não dá mais..
Depois de Estudar tanto sobre o tdah ,cheguei a conclusão de que todos os episódios aconteceram mesmo.
E olha que tirando isso mesmo esmagada.Tenho um casamento feliz, já tinha aceitado meu papel de cuidadora..
Mas o flerte dói a alma...Não posso.