My wife and I have 3 sons. One is ADHD (impulsive and attention def) while the other two are ADD (attention only). I was most likely ADHD (impulsive and attention) too as a child based on all the family stories. This simple fact makes me feel both horribly guilty for having passed this disorder on to my children and highly protective of them as I know first hand how it feels to be different.
The challenge we now face as a family is that my wife is unable to cope with our ADHD child. She is very controlling and he is not easy. He is medicated and it seems to help but he still has lots of challenges. He is a twin and just turned 6 years old. Its all the more challenging when he is constantly compared to his calm and very smart brother.
There have been two incidents (one recently and one about a year ago) where I thought that I need to get a divorce so I can protect my children. My wife has a big load on her given the fact that I have a huge job that requires significant travel. We have had hired lots of people to help ease that burden including au pair's, gardeners, cleaning service etc but still it is a lot. The biggest challenge is that my wife hates my 6 year old. She has said such unbelievably hateful things as "I wish he was never born," and "he is such a fuck up and such an embarrassment," and more recently "he has ruined our family." Did I mention he is 6--- s-i-x!!!!
She gets angry at me because I don't have any empathy for her. She claims that she says these things in anger and needs to get rid of her feelings by vocalizing things. I don't care how angry she gets such vitriol is unfathomable to me. I try talking to her about having empathy for him-- making analogies like imagine his challenges were physical like CP or something. In addition to being controlling she is also very selfish. I suppose you can probably tell that there isn't much left in the tank of our marriage but given the choice between my children and my wife its no contest for me.
Having said that I don't know if a divorce would be helpful to the children. I am the child of divorce and I can tell you first hand it was a horrible thing to go through as a child. It is true that I am not feeling empathetic towards her even though I get it on an intellectual level. I just feel this instinct to remove me and my children from a loveless environment. It breaks my heart that my wife doesn't love our son. Like I said... I am lost and desperate for advice and don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. Please help!
I don't have good advice to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't have good advice to offer but I do want to offer my sympathy: your situation sounds horrible. I love my children with all my heart and even if I didn't, I would know better than to say such things about them. OK, maybe I do have advice: tell your wife that you think counseling is in order for her; her behavior sounds like emotional abuse, and it could harm your child and the rest of the family.
SanPedro...
Submitted by c ur self on
SanPedro, You wife needs someone to confide in....Someone who will love her, and speak truth to her, who can help her and isn't biased toward her feelings....I understand your feelings, I would have the same one's...But, your wife needs emotional support...It is very unusual for a Mother to make those statements about her child....Just the opposite is true, most Mother's would die for there children, no matter the mental or emotional state....I suggest you do as Rosered suggested about counseling for her...Jesus can heal your wife's heart...
I would recommend counseling
Submitted by Tornado in a Jar on
If there is a way that you and your wife can go to marriage counseling...She actually needs more help with emotional issues than you do, but may not be cooperative enough to go - it is not normal for a mother to hate her own child, even if he is a challenging child and a bad fit for her own temperament or personality. I would worry greatly that if you divorce, you will have less access to your son to help protect him from her anger and possible abuse. Please do not leave him under her care as the custodial parent! Does she say those poisonous things to his face? Or anywhere within earshot? So cruel...damaging to his self-esteem which is probably not high in any case.
I would recommend family therapy down the road. She is the one who needs more help but will probably not seek it. The only way I would consider divorce is if you were the custodial parent and she had limited access, only with supervision. Otherwise, you're going to need to protect your boy from his abusive mother.