Maybe I am delusional, and maybe I am missing the mark completely... but something occurred to me this morning when I woke up.
I am his mirror. Its why he cannot face me anymore. Its why he has to run away from our marriage and me. To be with me, he has to be his true self, I will not settle for the mask that he gives to everyone else. His true self is who I love. *I* will not let him be dishonest with himself. He knows that he cannot tell me he is OK when he isnt. Even if I say nothing - he knows he cannot hide himself from me. Thats why he can run to a friends house and be comfortable, because NO ONE THERE is close enough to force him to deal with his real self. His mother in fear of pushing him away will go with anything he says. His friends just don't want to deal with any of his issues - they just want to hang out and have fun. But me... because I DO care, because I WANT the truth - it forces him to have to really look at himself and that is the greatest and deepest discomfort and pain to him there is. He has to face shame and guilt, some earned for his own bad behavior - easily forgiven by me- though he cant seem to forgive himself as he should, but MOST of that shame and guilt isnt even his - it was just pushed on him as a child for things he has zero control on - but he cannot tell the difference between them. And I am betting that shame and guilt for those things that ARENT his (the CSA, some of the thoughts and things he had to do to protect himself) - those are so scary that he lumps everything together and just runs as fast as he can. And he cannot see that that stuff is the past and he is letting it control his present - but he doesnt have to let it control his future.
I also reflect his insecurities.. because I know his worth, and his talents, and his strengths - I KNOW the real man inside and he is amazing... he cannot hide and pretend he doesnt have them or that this mask he wears is who he is. He cannot look at me like he can everyone else and feel no responsibility and no requirements and no expectations. Thats what makes everyone else so comfortable for him - the have zero expectations of him. They dont think he CAN be anything.... more... than the guy that sits around in his room and plays games coming out every now and then to eat - a guy to talk shit with and play games with or watch football with. And while they do care, its a limited thing - because he isnt a big part of their lives. They like to think they live on some movie where friends will be there through thick and thin - but when it comes to the hard stuff, they ignore it and let HIM ignore it because THAT part of loving someone is hard. They are friends, good friends - but not the kind that will walk through hell with you and drag you out, or pick you up if you fall. he will call them and talk to them and have a great time - but he cant talk to me because I know the truth about who he is - he cant pretend to be someone else to me.
Its starting to click.
I wonder....am I close to the truth here.
Stacey, you explained very
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Stacey, you explained very well and in detail what is also happening with my husband. His extreme denial of having anything "wrong" with him is too much for him to look at and admit. Even though he KNOWS something is wrong and will say that, he can't bring himself to TALK about it. So, he too, stays behind a pretend version of himself where he is a genius, and a selfless, good person who didn't do anything wrong. His mother taught him WELL, how to blame anyone and anything outside of himself, for whatever doesn't go according to plan. She herself did this every day of her life. Her big thing was, "My life would be SO MUCH BETTER if my husband wasn't a gambler". She blamed ALL their unhappiness as a family on her husbands gambling.
My FIL went to the track one day a week, on his day off to get away from my MIL. She was a nag, and unloving and could drive you crazy if you spent too much time with her. (bipolar) But my FIL paid off their house, put away quite a good savings, and had a pretty good living. An addicted gambler doesnt do those things. But, gambling was the only thing she focused on, to tell the world why she was so miserable, and why her kids didn't turn out "right". When it was HER all along.
It is scary to look at ourselves, and openly admit that the way we have acted and. Things we've believed are hurting us, or hurting others. But, it it is freeing, and SO awesome when we embrace it and finally find out who we REALLY ARE, not who we were made to be by ill intentioned parents. (or well intentioned, but in denial themselves)
I too, can see the REAL man inside my husband, and that scares him. But, as I've TOLD him,...........THAT man is wonderful, and delightful, and funny. Fear though, still keeps him behind huge walls.
I really believe that so much
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I really believe that so much of that fear is the fear of responsibility, the fear of expectations and failing in them. So he doesnt even try. If he doesnt try - then he wont fail. SO he SAYS he tries- knowing he isnt really because he has a predetermined conclusion that nothing will work because he is afraid of failing. Thereby sabetaging his attempt, before he even attempts. Its crazy.
I can say this though- I do not think he has cheated on me. I believe that his CSA is really the root cause of so many of these issues, and that the ADHD is just secondary - HOWEVER its aggravating the CSA extensively. I know he is scared of facing his past - he flat out said so 2 weeks ago. And that fear permeates EVERYTHING.
Opps dup
Submitted by Mrssanada (not verified) on
Opps
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Submitted by Mrssanada (not verified) on
RUN Snow white RUN like hell! cuz what I realized after trolling on this board for months is truth will only set U free NOT them! They NEVER want to hear the Truth that's why anytime they r confronted with it they RUN whether figuratively and or physically
they will NEVER "face" it NEVER "work" on it NEVER see the error of their ways
they will just plain ol NEVER!
Its funny on here the new ppl ask if its "worth" trying to save them and the experienced ppl 9 times out of 10 say RUN SAVE URSELF! STOP fighting the "good" fight to save "their" soul ...use that energy to SAVE UR OWN!
i am one of the "newer" ppl and i am here to say to the more experienced ppl its never too late to save urself too! RUNNNN! And NEVER EVER LOOK BACK! ur NOT going to "save" them from the evil clutches of ADHD they will ALWAYS be a puppet to its evil queen! And fight u to the death to keep it
I thnx god i was the mirror for it actually saved ME from him ruining my life!
I only got a 7 months sentence because i was the "mirror"
now a disclaimer I am NOT tying to gross generalizations here this is only MY based on my Experience with a person that has ADHD COMBO unmedicated with BDP
u have to take URSELF out of THEIR equation meaning take urelf out of their blame lane and when u do leave they will 9 times out of 10 WILL NEVER realize it was THEM and NOT u and will keep u in a holding pattern telling u they "realized the error of their ways" till they find their next victim
Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror replies: NOT SOMEONE BPD AT ALL
I know you are right. And
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I know you are right. And the hilarious thing is that for our whole relationship he accused me of being ready to leave him at the drop of a hat. Yet it's been him almost 100% of the time who has been the one to say he was done very time we fought about something. In fact, HIS words to me last time he came back was that we both can never do that again, that we have to work through everything that comes up. And as soon as the first test came, he threw me to the wolves again.
i love my mother in law but she enables it and never ever holds him accountable out of fear that he will ignore her too like he does to anyone else who doesn't let him do and say anything he wants with zero negative feedback. Makes me ill. Because I know I means that he won't ever get help. Why should he. He knows mommy will rescue him anytime he needs it. And all he has to do is keep people at arms length and no one can pry and make him uncomfortable. He can pretend to be something he isn't inside his game and to those who don't know the truth.
its sad. It's pathetic to see a grown man throw it all away and lie like he does. I guess in the end none of it mattered to him. If it's so easy for him to throw things away, then I am grateful that I am escaping now and can live my life with self respect and self value.
He he struggled more when he pretended to delete his wow characters than he did with leaving me.... And I have to somehow come to grips that all that I am, all that I have done and all the love I have given him is worth so little to him.
Stacey, you said a mouthful.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Stacey, you said a mouthful. When my husband and I met, he told me it was nice to have a woman who appreciated him, and he didn't think he would find that. Well, that changed FAST, as soon as we got married, he pulled back, got scared and DID anything to keep at arms length. But, mostly said, "I have to work". It wasn't just WORK, he watched television beside the computer,and on a third screen was olaying video games. He would come out and announce that he had just finished an entire 10 seasons of the newest TV drama. Do you how LONG it takes to do that? Even to watch one full season of hour shows? A LONG TIME.
He would NOT in any way spend time , or stop himself enough to engage in our marriage. I needed him to LISTEN even a little to ME,not just him talking AT me.
I needed a few hugs, and kisses, an occasional compliment, without asking for it. Just to get noticed in a small way was too much for him, but he stayed angry and demanded so much attention himself, he didn't/wouldn't see that he wasn't giving me ANY of which he constantly demanded for himself. And, he was angry that people kept seeing him as being selfish, IT IS CRAZY making.
What he doesn't realize is that his college "friends", that he thinks so highly of, think he's selfish also, but they don't TELL himthat, because they arent in a close relationship with him. But, if he would only ASK them the truth. He has spent much of his time telling them how bad I am, or how bad our girls are. And, how selfless and giving he's been all these years, but we continually take advantage of him. In other words......victim. It's classic passive aggressive behavior, textbook. His mother taught him well, how to do this,and he has copied her behavior.
Something that also hurt, is that he would spend hours on the phone talking to other people (but especially women) telling THEM how great THEY are, but not me. His constant need for generating APPROVAL and PRAISE for himself must be exhausting. But he keeps doing it.
I would still like to know how MUCH of this does he REALLY KNOW he's doing, and is AWARE of it, but rationalizes the behavior, so he KEEPS ON doing it.
Oh gosh Dede - I know EXACTLY
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Oh gosh Dede - I know EXACTLY what you mean by getting any shred of attention from them with out having to ask/prompt for it. My husband even had a life coach for a while (who he paid lipservice too, ignored and otherwise just went through the motions... collosal waste of money there) - and SHE TOLD him things to do, and he still would not do it. Though he did get me flowers just because one time because she told him to do something nice for me. It was probably the only "spontaneous" gift he ever got for me. Sad right? In 7 years (outside of the 3 months we were long distance - before we met up in person for the firs time, that was they hyper focus stage and it was constant, amazing affection), I can count on 1 hand the times he told me I was beautiful unprompted (where I asked how I looked etc). ONE HAND. And he would complement others all the time.
I personally am of the opinion that my husband is WELL AWARE of how he treats me, but he also doesnt care that he does. Its either he doesnt care about ME, and sees me as a financial answer to his issues and therefore little more than an ATM machine to doll out $$$ for what he wants when he wants (or it means I am controlling him), OR... and this is just as bad, he just doesnt care enough about me to do ANYTHING about his disorder, depression and CSA issues to positively impact our relationship - because its just too hard for him. Either way.... its a terrible situation for me. Because I am left dealing with the destruction left behind when he finally bails. He wont have to deal with any emotional impact of loosing this marriage - how could he, he doesnt even care about it NOW.
I have though, because I - like the queen of the idiots I am - bought all his excuses, put off everything *I* needed because he said he would "work on things" to be "better in the future". Of course, that future ended as soon as the &&& I was investing in him dried up. So - I stuck around, always opening myself up, forcing myself to trust in him - and I think he knew the whole time that he wasnt in this for the long haul. So I have to think to myself... then WHY.. WHY did he ever come back before? WHY did he move down into my home in another state? Honestly, I should have never ever gone back to see him after that very first trip back in October of 2009. If only I had a time machine....
I have given him all the tools he would have needed to make this work for us - and in the end. He just didnt care. And NOW... NOW he wants to stay until next year so HE can get on HIS feet????? I had asked him to stay until my dog died - so that my dog would not be in confusion on where he was at. But I wanted him OUT after that. Now he wants to stay so he can save up for a car, pay off his credit cards - and yet supposedly he decided a loonng time ago that he was out of here, and only JUST NOW got a job? (its been months mind you)....
The way I see it - he only recently started pulling his weight around the house, keeping it clean with out me having to hound him, and doing projects he promised YEARS ago. And I appreciate that (I have posted over and over how I apprecaited it). But for months, all he did was spend time watching videos about World of Warcraft and chain smoking out side... you would think he would have been spending time working on his exit plan. I know I sure have...
I also think that maybe that 500 a month he spent on cigarettes would have gone a long way in paying of his credit bill too.... But as always - he looks to others to clean up his messes, and he will be the victim should anyone finally pull the rug out and let him "really live in complete control" of his own self. Ohhhh how the bitter angry hatred will come out of him then. He already treats me like the enemy (even though he is civil to me right now - I know its an act. You have to be nice to the person who feeds you - it has nothing to do with real affection or love) The real deal will show itself and it will be the searing heat I will use to caurturize my emotional wounds from the shredded connections to him.
Stacey, you said a mouthful.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Stacey, you said a mouthful. When my husband and I met, he told me it was nice to have a woman who appreciated him, and he didn't think he would find that. Well, that changed FAST, as soon as we got married, he pulled back, got scared and DID anything to keep at arms length. But, mostly said, "I have to work". It wasn't just WORK, he watched television beside the computer,and on a third screen was olaying video games. He would come out and announce that he had just finished an entire 10 seasons of the newest TV drama. Do you how LONG it takes to do that? Even to watch one full season of hour shows? A LONG TIME.
He would NOT in any way spend time , or stop himself enough to engage in our marriage. I needed him to LISTEN even a little to ME,not just him talking AT me.
I needed a few hugs, and kisses, an occasional compliment, without asking for it. Just to get noticed in a small way was too much for him, but he stayed angry and demanded so much attention himself, he didn't/wouldn't see that he wasn't giving me ANY of which he constantly demanded for himself. And, he was angry that people kept seeing him as being selfish, IT IS CRAZY making.
What he doesn't realize is that his college "friends", that he thinks so highly of, think he's selfish also, but they don't TELL himthat, because they arent in a close relationship with him. But, if he would only ASK them the truth. He has spent much of his time telling them how bad I am, or how bad our girls are. And, how selfless and giving he's been all these years, but we continually take advantage of him. In other words......victim. It's classic passive aggressive behavior, textbook. His mother taught him well, how to do this,and he has copied her behavior.
Something that also hurt, is that he would spend hours on the phone talking to other people (but especially women) telling THEM how great THEY are, but not me. His constant need for generating APPROVAL and PRAISE for himself must be exhausting. But he keeps doing it.
I would still like to know how MUCH of this does he REALLY KNOW he's doing, and is AWARE of it, but rationalizes the behavior, so he KEEPS ON doing it.
If he HAS NPD
Submitted by Mrssanada (not verified) on
If he is NPD which it sounds like he IS then no they have NO clue
i said it in one of my post
NPD is like : no lights r on and the house is empty
they r just a ghost of a human
Yeah, I really do think that
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Yeah, I really do think that while he probably isnt a full blown narcasist, I do think he has those tendencies. And my theory is that its because he is so emotionally immature from the CSA he somehow managed to survive (his sister didnt sadly...god it hurts thinking about that). He reacts and functions like a 10 year old would. His expecations of others on top of his non reality based ideas about himself (being put together, independent and in full control) on top of really warped understanding of relationships with others (not just me) and warped understanding of what it is to actually BE in control of one's self - all that really leads to a disasterous situation. He needs help, but doesnt think he does.
I hope he isnt a true narcisist... but those tendencies he does dispay have caused havoc in my life for long enough.
He really likes to play the put upon victim - he sees himself as truly trying to be the "good guy" but with out really accepting his role in the catastrophy of our marriage. He thinks he "tried" because "he thought about things" - which means maybe he thought something in passing one day - and put it aside, and never lifted a finger and did any ACTIONS to try. Nahhh. done with that. I have carried his weight for too long, and I am letting that go.
*I* am ready to be selfish. I am ready to worry about my own life, my own future, and I am NOT going to put my needs and dreams aside for him any more. His deal is his deal - and he can go "have control" all he wants. LOL Rude awakenings coming his way... but it wont matter, because he will have his World of Warcraft, his cigarettes and his candy. Dream come true for a 10 year old.
Stacey, sorry, tablet recopied post.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Stupid tablet.
Mirror mirror on the wall
Submitted by Mrssanada (not verified) on
RUN Snow white RUN like hell! cuz what I realized after trolling on this board for months is truth will only set U free NOT them! They NEVER want to hear the Truth that's why anytime they r confronted with it they RUN whether figuratively and or physically
they will NEVER "face" it NEVER "work" on it NEVER see the error of their ways
they will just plain ol NEVER!
Its funny on here the new ppl ask if its "worth" trying to save them and the experienced ppl 9 times out of 10 say RUN SAVE URSELF! STOP fighting the "good" fight to save "their" soul ...use that energy to SAVE UR OWN!
i am one of the "newer" ppl and i am here to say to the more experienced ppl its never too late to save urself too! RUNNNN! And NEVER EVER LOOK BACK! ur NOT going to "save" them from the evil clutches of ADHD they will ALWAYS be a puppet to its evil queen! And fight u to the death to keep it
I thnx god i was the mirror for it actually saved ME from him ruining my life!
I only got a 7 months sentence because i was the "mirror"
now a disclaimer I am NOT tying to gross generalizations here this is only MY based on my Experience that u have to take URSELF out of THEIR equation meaning take urelf out of their blame lane and when u do leave they will 9 times out of 10 WILL NEVER realize it was THEM and NOT u and will keep u in a holding pattern telling u they "realized the error of their ways" till they find their next victim
Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror replies: NOT ADHD AT ALL