I am a wife with ADD

Emotions

Submitted by smd1409 on Sun, 04/28/2019 - 06:04

I've noted that this seems to be a recurring theme in people with ADD. It is very easy to fall into extremes in some form or another, simply because that's how their heads are programmed unfortunately. They can pretend like their failures and problems don't exist, or they accept it and have to accept their failures, or such. In both cases, the heightened emotional sensitivity makes their feelings a lot stronger and so the defiant one is incredibly defiant, and the miserable one is incredibly miserable. It seems to be manageable, but far from easy.

It's such a pain. I read this book about a consultant ADHD psychiatrist who had a personal involvement and motivation for studying ADHD because his brother and cousin died because of it, and he believes it was due to their impulsivity in both cases the overwhelming power it has on ADD individuals (one decided to hang himself after breaking up with his girlfriend, and the other always drove recklessly, and although this can be in normal individuals, the impulsivity in ADHD can make driving recklessly so very strongly attractive, much more than to others).

I'm so happy to know that you saw your mother as a loving and accepting, and that she did not let your symptoms get in the way. If such a thing was possible, then it gives hope for the one with ADD that such a state is possible. And in my experience and observation, such marriages that contain love, compassion and understanding/patience between an ADD individual and their spouse is possible, so please don't lower your values, and let's try to get better and hope for that outcome.

I am sorry to ask, but when you say that you feel you want out, is it more because you want to please your husband and feel as though you can't, or is it because you feel as though due to his expectations, you can't stand him anymore?

I feel that I am unable to

Submitted by samanthajackson on Sun, 04/28/2019 - 07:36

I feel that I am unable to fit into his expectations and he tells me that many other wives are smarter , organized and makes less mistakes ... which is true just last night we visited this family , the wife was amazing , minimalist very clean and tidy house she is structured, smart and responsible . I felt the difference, She doesn’t have an inferior complex and old dreams to pursue like me , simply because she doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone , she didn’t have ADD..she is sooo resilient to depression despite everything .. I never ever wanted to be like anyone else but yesterday I saw all the qualities that I wish I had as a second nature not as struggles ... my husband felt sad for himself ,

also I feel ashamed of myself ... there are many situations which were completely embarrassing ... he really hated them and remembers them , he is not meticulous . I must be fair , we all have flaws but if I focus hard and try to be objective I realize that i am making his life tougher ... plus he doesn’t find me special anymore .... I can’t stand his constant criticism I can’t stand that my flaws are always under the spotlight because they happen to directly affecting our marriage .... I might be wrong but I imagine that if I’m out of marriage then I’ll avoid being under this spotlight

I have depressions it’s hard for me not to think of realizing my dreams .... why can’t I be happy for my achievements, they are small but I must focus on my children not myself , they need my support not the burden of my failed life I changed I gave up on my dreams But I don’t know how to find happiness within myself for my husband to feel that he can make me happy ...

Finding strength

Submitted by smd1409 on Sun, 04/28/2019 - 22:37

I don't think, after looking at the other comments, that I'm the only one that sees you as being just as strong as the women around you in your own way.

I would have argued that managing to raise two children to have good manners, personalities, and intellect is no small thing. A lot of women already shy from the idea of having children because of the responsibility involved. You managed to go further and raise them the best you could, even within the circumstances you've found yourself in, both external and internal. Furthermore, whereby so many with ADD, after noting their failures, decided to pretend it didn't exist and blame everyone else for it, you chose to better yourself from it in any way possible.

From the sounds of it, you've consistently made the effort to get better and so it was not for your husband to criticise it so negatively. But I know that that may not be the only thing you're concerned about. It's incredibly tempting to want to prove to yourself your ability, especially when sometimes all you wish is that you were able to feel even equal to average. Regardless of whether or not this is the right mindset for someone with ADD to have, sometimes we just need to step away from that and look for what we find comfort in, otherwise we won't want or have the energy to continue, and it sounds as though you love your children very much.

Hope it helped to post here, and I hope that I was able to help you in any way, even if it was just to listen.

I agree

Submitted by samanthajackson on Tue, 04/30/2019 - 10:43

Thank you for your kind words! , true being a mom with ADD is very tough sometime

& continuous self judgement and trying hard to prove our abilities to ourselves is exhausting and emotionally draining

its good to learn self forgiveness and to take a break ....and just ignore what is not there

There is value to what we bring, if we channel it well.

Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on Tue, 04/30/2019 - 21:58

Hi Samantha,

I love what all of the other posters have said, because there is a lot of wisdom here. Many women more organized than us go to great lengths to portray life a certain way. I have seen so many (vomit-inducing) FB posts where women gush about their lives and spouses and I happen to know or later discover one of them is an alcoholic, or the other one cheated, or (insert scandal).

I very much relate to what you said about feeling ashamed, feeling inferior to women who have their s*** together. I truly used to feel the same way. And what you said about your children is not trivial; it is everything. Organized moms could have children who are habitual drug users. Organized moms could have spoiled children who never say "Please" or "Thank you." Organized moms could be so stressed about things being done "The Right Way," that they might not bother to teach their kids basic life skills, because they would rather have their house look perfect than parent. Organized moms are not better moms. They are moms whose brains work differently. They could be phenomenal moms, but it's not inherent in being organized. You could be organized and be a total jerk. You could be disorganized and likewise be an awful human being. Organization is not a moral issue. I used to think like this, too. I get it.

I also very much relate to the husband negativity. He's frustrated, but that doesn't give him the right to say you aren't as intelligent. I can tell by the way you so clearly express your thoughts that you are quite bright, and are underestimating yourself, and frankly, so is he. We just aren't naturally good at the simple, banal (read: B-O-R-I-N-G) things in life. But we can learn. I've worked so hard to discover strategies for myself, and I'm having more success all the time. Is he normally insulting? Is he bitter and angry toward you? Asking because I strongly feel mine has anxiety and/or depression. My therapist has articulated that as well. And to give you hope for yourself, I finally feel like I've got it together pretty well much of the time. Not perfectly, but impressively well for me. :) And I hope that you, like me, get to the point where you feel so good about your progress, you ask your husband to pick up HIS game. Because I guarantee you he's not perfect, either. Case in point: Labeling you as less intelligent because he's frustrated.

Finally, with therapy, time, and perspective, I now truly believe that my children have benefited (yes, benefited) from having a mom with ADHD. My kids have a role model who has left no stone unturned in treating her ADHD. I never give up. They have seen what perseverance through difficulty looks like in so many different aspects of my life. I really never thought of my ADHD as much of an asset, until I started making this much progress. I'd still give it back if it came with a gift receipt, but trying to look on the bright side.

I am sorry you are going

Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Sun, 04/28/2019 - 11:15

I am sorry you are going through this. A spouse who constantly criticizes sounds like verbal abuse to me.

"He tells me that many other wives are smarter , organized and makes less mistakes." That wife you spoke of isn't perfect either, no one of us is. Also when you said: " She doesn’t have an inferior complex and old dreams to pursue like me , simply because she doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone , she didn’t have ADD..she is sooo resilient to depression despite everything." How do you know this? I don't have ADD/HD. Most people had no idea what I was going through, how depressed I was, how trapped I felt in my abusive marriage...because I hid it well. I'm NOT resilient to depression, I just hide it better than most. It is not good to compare yourself to this woman or anyone else..they may appear to "have it all together", but be struggling privately. To have your husband tell you that other wives are smarter and compare you to other women is crap. Comments like those just make the depression worse, and are hurtful.

What makes you think that you are "underperforming" as a Mother? Is this your feeling, or does his criticism of you have you doubting yourself?

I have a history of depression, and have never been on antidepressants. I didn't feel that they would help me, as my depression was situational. I figured the only way for me to get out of it was change my situation, which I couldn't do at the time. My ex husband had impossibly high standards for me, and there was no way I could ever be good enough.

I second that, Adele

Submitted by 1Melody1 on Sun, 04/28/2019 - 13:51

"It is not good to compare yourself to this woman or anyone else..they may appear to "have it all together", but be struggling privately. "

I just wanted to say that this is true. A *am* that wife you described, but I am a mess under the facade I present to the world. (I have come to see how unhealthy that is, btw, but that is not the point of this post). My ADHD-affected house looks perfect when people come over. I smile when I want to scream and cry. When people ask "how are you guys doing?" I only tell them the good things... the upcoming vacation or daughter's latest accomplishment. You just never know.

It is sad to read your original post and it gives me pause. Though I have a lot of strong feelings around his mismanagement of his ADHD, I hope my husband doesn't feel this hopeless beneath his facade of overconfidence.

You are worthy of love. It sounds like your husband is making as many or more transgressions/missteps as you may have. It's not a contest, but his attitude is very demeaning and damaging. I understand how it feels to be angry, but you don't deserve that.

All the best to you.

True

Submitted by samanthajackson on Tue, 04/30/2019 - 11:02

thank you for your supportive words, i really feel happy and honestly kinda stronger when I feel understood , i don’t need more....

. Harsh criticism for 7 years nonstop was so so hard ,, i am so grateful for finding this website and for meeting kind people

thank you for sharing your story!

Submitted by samanthajackson on Tue, 04/30/2019 - 11:39

I am Sorry for what you went through

But also it’s great that you made a brave step and got out of a toxic marriage , strange that someone will criticize you when you have no ADD or any disorder ,,, I guess some men just enjoy putting their women down ...that’s sad , i don’t understand why they think it’s smart to act this way .when it’s actually selfish , immature, and harmful for their partner

I love your post Samantha....

Submitted by c ur self on Mon, 04/29/2019 - 01:04

It may be the most honest I've ever read on this site (5 years of reading)...It also hits a nerve in me, (I am your husband, and you are my wife) it's been my life for 11 years....I'm going to write a few things that have helped us....And a few things that could and would help us so much more.....

I got angry and bitter after marrying my wife those early years, (I never knew anyone lived that way) I though the things she was, and wasn't doing, were intentional, and meant to take advantage of me...My wife lives much like you say you do...She looks for the things she does well (things she likes) and puts most all her energy into that...She's a great Mom and Mimi (we have three grand children) in many ways...She gets on their level very easily...She is a good friend, out going, and makes them much easier than I do...(Frivolity is her main love)...She to hates the domestic and mundane like you do....She lives her life in incomplete circles...In other words....She is very messy! Start, don't finish...Start, don't finish etc....She gets emotionally attached to most any old object...Or says she does in order to never throw anything away...So the house has these piles of just junk (her treasures) in most corners, and she covers every flat space (I have had to push stuff aside for 11 years to set my plate down on the table to eat..LOL.....My side of the bedroom is organized, her's has a small trail.....But, she has many good points, just like you do....

The hardest thing on our marriage in the early years, and even now to a large degree, is my placing expectations on her, that she would not or could not meet....And her denial of her life style, and it's effects on me..My wife would never write a post as honest as you did here (maybe someday)....So, if your husband hasn't heard your heart (the one you put on this page) it's a must that he does....And your husband is going to have to accept you, just like you are...And you him....What does that consist of? When we love someone (truly love them) we find ways to work around difference's, and we set boundaries to protect each of us from intrusive living by the other...It can be done pretty easily if both parties face up to what their behaviors (life styles) bring to the relationship...ONLY honesty and Grace can help us come to peace, and accept what has to be done in order to have a functional relationship...One where were not constantly fighting and arguing for our rights....

YOU are very important as a person, and a wife, and should be loved, and lived with in an understanding way by your husband...HE is very important as a person, and your husband, and should be loved and respected by you....That can never work, when we fight and argue over difference's....(Pressing each other to think, feel, and behave in ways that mirror our lives) That's selfishness, not acceptance.....

We must keep our marriage relationship simple...We must keep our communications kind and HONEST...There can be no superior (talking down) BS going on...ONLY Love Kindness, and Respect....That usually don't happen without a good third party to help get us focused, and started on the right road.....IF I were you, I would try to get your husband to go to a counselor with a simple purpose....Honesty of life style (facing it), Acceptance of each others differences, and boundary setting to protect each of you from intrusive or abusive living....If either of you are in denial ( just wants to use the other for your own benefit, with no respect for the other) about your behaviors, you will just stone wall or turn angry, so don't waste your money (She stone walled, and I turned angry)....If all you want is someone to side with you, you can find that easy enough, and much cheaper....No, counselor's aren't referee's...People in denial don't go saying, Can you Please Help Me/ Us?

When it comes to boundaries...Start w/ the basics.....What's his biggest problem with you? And what's your biggest problem with him?....If it's anything like us, I needed to stop allowing me frustrations to cause me to speak harshly and unkind to her (talking down to her)....That only begun to stop when I started accepting her, and setting boundaries to force accountability in her....I stopped doing her work....(enabling)..Its very difficult (about impossible) for a H or W to feel their spouses love and appreciation...When part of the time, they experience, negative emotions, and barking at one another...They don't go together...And you can destroy a month's worth of work, in about 3 minutes of disrespectful badgering...

Both parties have to CARE enough to do the work, in order to have a healthy attachment.....You are right about many add/adhd minds....They do much better as single people...(LIve their way, and there is no one there to experience the fallout of the symptoms, and we both know what they are)...But you and I aren't single, are we??

I will pray for your family

Enlightenment

Submitted by samanthajackson on Tue, 04/30/2019 - 10:55

After reading your post I felt such a relief...& my husband too!! after i sent him your post ... he couldn’t believe that there is actually somebody going through the same problems as him

we are taking your advices seriously , they are a summarized clear guidlines for To follow

big thanks from me and my family !! I feel that there is hope for change ! Because now I’m not alone in this anymore ... he has decided to have a better understanding

thsnk verb very much!

I feel blessed

Submitted by samanthajackson on Tue, 04/30/2019 - 11:31

i am so grateful for finding this blog . A real supporting community , i can’t believe that I found kind and wonderful people who can truly understand what I am going through and take their time to type down detailed helpful answers ,,, thank you very very much ,

im not exaggerating when I say it’s like a miracle for me

i feel free..... I can allow myself for some self acceptance without feeling the pressure of guilt, or fear of failure

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