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Just beachy, I read what you wrote and the first thing I think is "No wonder you are exhausted!" Of course you are. That is a lot, physically and emotionally, to have on your plate. I can relate...I was kind of heartbroken after the hyperfocus phase was over and I thought, "What happened?" The best advice I have is to try to separate a bit from it and make yourself as happy as you can. He is either going to do it or he won't, and you can't control it or will him to, no matter how much you want him to or love him. Sucks, but it is true.
I wish you the best as you go through this. Can you reach out or get any help for yourself while this is going on? Some child care, household help, anything? Take care.
that I have a good friend to vent to and and someone to clean my house :) I am working on processing how I feel, and making sure that I am my first priority, with the kids of course. I appreciate the support!
reading on the blogs, and I have to say that there are A LOT of people who have put up with A LOT from ADD and it stinks. For both sides of the couple. My DH is trying to get an evaluation scheduled, and he is making an extra effort to be helpful and attentive. But I have to say, I can feel that it is an effort. My 3 children definitely prefer me and look to me for leadership. My marriage isn't a bad one, and he is a good person. Generally helpful, sometimes thoughtful. It is the day to day that has gotten routine, and there is no meaningful communication. I feel badly about this, and I tried to explain to him that while I don't expect there to be roses and romance all the time, and that I know that the "honeymoon period" doesn't last forever, there should be some sort of growth of the relationship. That there should be some deepening and maturation into something even more wonderful and fulfilling. Right now I know that isn't happening here. He told me the other day that I was his soulmate, and my only thought was "I just don't feel that way anymore". I have been looking to others to fulfill me for a long time now, whether that is right or wrong (and I know it is wrong). There is someone else in my life that is giving me the attention that I thought I would be able to get from my husband, and it feels wonderful. This person has been around for a long time, and every time I try to end it, I go back to it. I realize this is a symptom of the dysfunction in my marriage, and I know that I should end it. I just can't bring myself to do it. My husband may never be capable of giving me what I need from a relationship, with all of BOTH of our issues. I guess this is just a long rant, but I am so very confused. I'm afraid that my husband and I have walked too far down this road to come back. Has anyone ever experienced this, or have any insight? I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow....
I hope the counselor will help you sort stuff out in your life.
Insight from me - marriage is a really hard endeavor. Add children and it gets harder. Add ADHD, and it is extremely hard. Add undiagnosed/untreated ADHD and it is a road to disaster.
At least 3 adults are receiving a great dis-service in your situation. Your spouse is being deceived and cheated. Your new "other" is being cheated by still having your spouse attached to the situation. You are cheating yourself, your spouse and your new "other" and your 3 children. You didn't mention their ages - but it still affects them no matter what age.
I believe in the wisdom: Children would rather be from a broken home than in one.
I believe in the wisdom: Make sure you finish all the emotional work from one relationship before you enter into another.
This is my insight based on one short paragraph of your life that you have shared here.
Life is hard. I hope you find answers that will lead you to a happier place.
no wonder
Submitted by lynninny on
Just beachy, I read what you wrote and the first thing I think is "No wonder you are exhausted!" Of course you are. That is a lot, physically and emotionally, to have on your plate. I can relate...I was kind of heartbroken after the hyperfocus phase was over and I thought, "What happened?" The best advice I have is to try to separate a bit from it and make yourself as happy as you can. He is either going to do it or he won't, and you can't control it or will him to, no matter how much you want him to or love him. Sucks, but it is true.
I wish you the best as you go through this. Can you reach out or get any help for yourself while this is going on? Some child care, household help, anything?
Take care.
I am lucky
Submitted by justbeachy on
that I have a good friend to vent to and and someone to clean my house :) I am working on processing how I feel, and making sure that I am my first priority, with the kids of course. I appreciate the support!
I have spent lots of time
Submitted by justbeachy on
reading on the blogs, and I have to say that there are A LOT of people who have put up with A LOT from ADD and it stinks. For both sides of the couple. My DH is trying to get an evaluation scheduled, and he is making an extra effort to be helpful and attentive. But I have to say, I can feel that it is an effort. My 3 children definitely prefer me and look to me for leadership. My marriage isn't a bad one, and he is a good person. Generally helpful, sometimes thoughtful. It is the day to day that has gotten routine, and there is no meaningful communication. I feel badly about this, and I tried to explain to him that while I don't expect there to be roses and romance all the time, and that I know that the "honeymoon period" doesn't last forever, there should be some sort of growth of the relationship. That there should be some deepening and maturation into something even more wonderful and fulfilling. Right now I know that isn't happening here. He told me the other day that I was his soulmate, and my only thought was "I just don't feel that way anymore". I have been looking to others to fulfill me for a long time now, whether that is right or wrong (and I know it is wrong). There is someone else in my life that is giving me the attention that I thought I would be able to get from my husband, and it feels wonderful. This person has been around for a long time, and every time I try to end it, I go back to it. I realize this is a symptom of the dysfunction in my marriage, and I know that I should end it. I just can't bring myself to do it. My husband may never be capable of giving me what I need from a relationship, with all of BOTH of our issues. I guess this is just a long rant, but I am so very confused. I'm afraid that my husband and I have walked too far down this road to come back. Has anyone ever experienced this, or have any insight? I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow....
View from outside the box
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello JustBeachy,
I hope the counselor will help you sort stuff out in your life.
Insight from me - marriage is a really hard endeavor. Add children and it gets harder. Add ADHD, and it is extremely hard. Add undiagnosed/untreated ADHD and it is a road to disaster.
At least 3 adults are receiving a great dis-service in your situation. Your spouse is being deceived and cheated. Your new "other" is being cheated by still having your spouse attached to the situation. You are cheating yourself, your spouse and your new "other" and your 3 children. You didn't mention their ages - but it still affects them no matter what age.
I believe in the wisdom: Children would rather be from a broken home than in one.
I believe in the wisdom: Make sure you finish all the emotional work from one relationship before you enter into another.
This is my insight based on one short paragraph of your life that you have shared here.
Life is hard. I hope you find answers that will lead you to a happier place.