Hi. I apologize in advance that this is going to long...
I married my husband a little over a year ago and he has diagnosed ADD but he is currently is not on treatment. I've read some of the other posts and I am having the same issues a lot of you are having. I am the breadwinner for the family. My husband works full-time but he only makes minimum wage. I pay the mortgage, I pay for the cars, the cell phones, the heat, groceries ect. My husband's income pays for our kids part-time daycare (him mother helps us out) and some of the other bills. But basically everything we "own" is in my name, his credit is horrible plus he would never remember to pay the bills. So besides working full-time, I also do all of the chores: laundry, grocery shopping, paying the bills, cleaning the house, making dinner. My husband will help out if I ask him but he won't always finish the task. For example if I ask him to empty the dishwasher he would take the dishes out, put some of them away but leave others on the counter. He is just plain careless about a lot of things! He leaves the oven on frequently, he also leaves the keys in the door of the house and the car. He also loses hims keys almost daily or his cellphone. His carelessness also effects a lot of my own property, the stuff that I pay for. For example our new van has a dent in the back because he was distracted while backing out of his mother's drive-way and backed into a tree. He also left the window open during a rain storm and the interior of the car is soaking wet. When I have confronted him about these things he gets defensive and storms off. He says that I talk mean to him, I nag and am just plain nasty. Of course I'm nasty! I'm upset that he has no respect for me or anything that I pay for... I mean if I didn't pay for the car then how would he get to work? If I didn't pay the mortgage where would he live? I just don't know how to deal with his ADD anymore. I feel really taken advantage of and disrespected. I feel like he doesn't consider how his actions or inactions effect me or our family. I also have a lot of concerns about the future. He never finished school and has a hard time finding a good job. He has no savings for retirement or for anything. I don't know what would happen if I was to lose my job. What is going to happen when he retires? I can't save enough money for both of us and pay for both of kids to go to school. I feel like he doesn't think about or care about these things. As others have said on this forum I feel like I am carrying around this big load, the well-being and financial security of my family all by myself. I feel like my husband isn't my partner but another dependent and I don't know how much longer I can handle this....
I said when I get married, I am there through thick and thin, sickness and in health... but when do I draw the line? Everytime I bring up my concerns and feelings they alway get blown-off and I get blamed for being mean and having high expectations. But my expectations are equal to what any normal person would expect. He says if I was nicer to him he would do more for me... but he does't understand that the reason I am mean is because he does nothing.
What do I do? Do I walk away from my marriage? If he gets treated will he get better? He had meds and never follow-up to get the prescription renewed...
I should also add that my husband cheated on my several times before we got married. He denied it when I confronted him about it and it took hours of arguing for him to come clean. I don't even believe I know all of the truth. So I have those trust issues as well...
I feel completely alone!
Help please!
pros and cons
Submitted by Steph on
Sounds like you should make a pros and cons list of being with him. Decide if you and your children are better off with or without him. Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay is a great book. Pretty self explanatory as to what its about.
My best!
Thanks I will give that a
Submitted by landwmommy on
Thanks I will give that a try!
I'm stuck
Submitted by Clarity on
and have no way to support myself at this time and have thought about my miserable situation for many years. I too married for better or worse... but, have decided recently it seems that an abusive situation is still abuse whether the abuser realizes it or not. My ADD husband had been taking his medications with no counsel that I know of and thinks that there is something wrong with me now because he's decided that I act like I've been abused...
As strong, intelligent and assertive as I thought I was, his behavior has had a detrimental effect on me after having to deal with it for almost thirty years. I admit, I struggle with depression and of course (?) it has nothing to do with his behavior or my circumstances... Had I come to the conclusion that it's still abuse I might have decided to get out of this relationship and have a chance at another life. Cheating and abusive behavior are two legitimate reasons to get out.
He takes his medications and is easier to deal with now. My kids are grown and I deal with regret but hope to get past that and find something rewarding to involve myself with. Guess I'll be a late bloomer...
Just my thoughts on how things played out for me. Be good to yourself!
Clarity, you're the only other person I've heard say this
Submitted by BreadBaker on
This sentence, that is:
"My ADD husband had been taking his medications with no counsel that I know of and thinks that there is something wrong with me now because he's decided that I act like I've been abused..."
Would you mind expanding on this, on how he acted and talked to you (or didn't) about this sort of thing?
My husband left a number of months ago, and is on meds only (as far as I know) with no ADD therapy (again, as far as I know). But before any of this, I dealt with the same thing. The problem was, that I was being abused in several ways--verbally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically--by my husband. He wouldn't remember saying and doing certain things, or would physically hurt me and then blame me (!) for it.
For instance, ge once dropped something very heavy on my toes--nearly broke them--and when I yelped in pain and tried to ask him to get it off me (I was barely verbal--it *really* hurt), he looked at me like I was crazy. It wasn't "I'm sorry I dropped that on your foot! Are you ok? Here let me help you sit down! Let's get you home," it was--well, nothing, actually. He just stared at me while I made mostly vain attempts to rescue my foot from underneath the object. I then had to *beg* him to take me home, and on the drive there he got mad at *me* because I had gotten upset at him! I should clarify--not so much upset for hurting me, but for acting like he hadn't done anything, and then standing there zoning out while I'm crying "get this off me!" When we got hom, he sulked and refused to apologize and made such a fuss so *I* would apologize and take care of *him*. Eventually, he brought me some ice for my foot, but only after I essentially begged him to because I couldn't hobble over to the fridge unaided once my toes had begun to swell.
Now, if this were to be brought up, he either a) wouldn't remember it, or b) remember it as *my* fault, and how I "flew off the handle" over nothing. According to him, I either never got hurt, I was lying, or it was my fault. I would walk around upset over the accumulated effect of so many little incidents like these, and he would think that there was something horribly wrong with me as a person, and that I was depressed and dealing with "issues"--but of course *none* of this had *anything* to do with his treatment of me. No, it was all about him and how "abusive" I was.
Is that similar to what you dealt with?
It is so interesting, your
Submitted by brooks30 on
It is so interesting, your foot story...
One evening I was cooking a pan seared chicken which would then complete its cooking in the oven. When I went to take the chicken out of the oven I was extreemly distracted and ended up placing my bare hand on the metal of the pan (I literally closed my hand over a second handle on the pan). My ADHD fiance was standing right there. I screamed out in pain but was still holding the pan in place with my hand that was protected (not the hand on the 2nd metal handle). If I would have moved my protected hand, all of dinner (a lot of food!) would have crashed to the floor. Additionally between the weight of the pan and the food in the pan, my one arm just couldn't lift it back onto the rack.
Sam is still just standing there flabbergasted, mouth agape and not reacting. In between my cries of agony I'm trying to get him to understand that I need him to come take the pan from me (pot holders absolutely accessible). I was quite literally giving him a step by step play of what he should do and it just took forever for him to figure it out. Keep in mind I had just closed my hand over metal on a pan that had been in a 475 degree oven for 20 minutes...all I want is cold water.
After the madness I was crying harder than I may have ever cried. I cried from the pain. I cried from the exhaustion of dealing with him. I cried over my resentment of the person I used to love so much. But mostly I cried because it was then that I knew I could no longer be with him. I knew that our life would always be me, even in the vulnerable state, having to be the strong one...having to be the rock.
That's horrible! But, yes, that's it . . .
Submitted by BreadBaker on
Oh, I can so sympathize with you. Yes, that's exactly the sort of thing I dealt with on a frighteningly regular basis.
I can sympathize with the crying, too. I still do a fair amount of that from time to time, when I think of just how--I guess the best word is "impossible"--it is to be married to him.
The sad part is that when he was hyperfocusing, he would treat me like I was made of spun glass. If I dropped something upstairs that made the slightest sound, he'd come running, thinking that I'd just lost a limb. But when he wasn't hyperfocusing, I could have fallen down the stairs and lay there a broken and bleeding mess for hours and he wouldn't have blinked.
I have physical and emotional scars that I'll carry with me forever. And he doesn't know, and doesn't acknowledge.
I'm so sorry for what you dealt with. You're a very strong lady.
Still Don't Get Hyperfocusing
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
Okay, I understand that initially ADD/HDers hyperfocus at first with us. But what I don't get is that they still can help/aid voluntarily, and assist without having to be instructed with long time friends and family, and even will have sympathy/empathy for the bum asking for money on the side of the road. Why is it that they are perceptive with others, and not w/us. Their long time friends/family, and long time fellow employees are nothing new to them either. They claim that they love us soooo much, but yet for us, their spouses, we literally have to draw them a picture on what we need/want...and even then sometimes they still don't get it. I just don't get it! So are they bored w/us? I hear so many posts that they DO love us dearly in their own way, but this is ridiculous! I sometimes just don't buy this so called "hyperfocus" baloney. They can do for others, but they can't do for us?
It's deceptive
Submitted by Clarity on
They are perceptive with others and those others think I'm the real problem. He's such a great guy... until there is an emergency foot or oven situation, then it's like some kind of brain overload and he freezes. As a matter of fact, most of my emotions seem extreme to him. If I'm happy it's "calm down" if I'm upset with someone else, he takes their side, I'm the bad guy. I can just be talking about something that happened and he thinks I'm being mean... For all the extreme emotions he has, he can't seem to sort mine out so, things go better in monotone... I'm not too high, I'm not too low...
That's the kind of extremes and contradictions I've noticed. He can be real high and hyperfocused, then he can be real low and take me for granted. It's okay for him, me, I'm better off monotone...
Its the Opposite
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
Yea, but don't you notice that everything negative they tell us we are, are the very things they are guilty of? It's weird. Thats why I don't go out in public w/him anymore, because it's embarrassing. He constantly complains and criticizes about the service when we go out to eat, and makes rude comments to me about people who we encounter in public. He think he's talking so quietly, so that they can't hear, but "I" know they can. I get so irritated of him being rude to people, and embarrassing me, I've flipped the switch and told them "Sorry, he has ADHD". He got so embarrassed, but I just wanted him to feel what it's like when his mouth won't shut up.
After 25 years of marriage, I'm impressed that you even have monotone discussions. I don't even want to talk to him. For me, I'm better off ignoring him, and pretending that he doesn't exist.
I know, right?
Submitted by Clarity on
There's those double standards! It's okay for him but not me! He can't see it my way, and the same thing is always acceptable for him. Okay, we're all watching a movie. He gets a phone call and takes it speaking loudly while pacing back and forth in front of the tv. If I was on the phone, I'd immediately get shushed, frowned on and waved away. He might taunt me and turn the volume on high. Now, if it's me, I go to another room or just let the voice mail get it and return the call later. All these years later, he still speaks loudly and paces! If anyone comments, we're dismissed so I have to pause the movie until he's done. He's also "allowed" to spout off his own commentary about what's on tv when I'd rather listen to what's going on. I can't believe him anyway!
Who wants to go out in public with this guy? If we need to attend a family function I stay far away from him because it's crazy to hear him tell his elaborate stories and lies. Everyone is hanging on his every word, he's all Mr. Personality, and I'm the only one who knows there's no accountability...
Believe me, I avoid him, my example is from back when I had to discuss. These days, I stay away unless I decide to see if the ginkgo is really working!
;)
somebody else's problem field
Submitted by arwen on
Most people I know with ADD think of home as a sort of "safe haven" from the difficult demands they experience from the rest of the world -- I think this is a carryover from childhood. As kids, school was full of pitfalls and problems, reprimands and failures, whereas home was where they were probably loved and there were probably fewer (and simpler) demands. I suspect these attitudes carry over to their feelings about home after marriage and about work in place of school. Unconsciously, they expect their home situation to be as simple and undemanding as their home was in their childhood -- and unconsciously they assume that their spouse will handle all the responsiblities (because *they* certainly aren't "supposed" to, in this conception of life).
Science Fiction writer Douglas Adams wrote in his novel "Life, the Universe and Everything" about a "Sombody Else's Problem Field". This fictional technology could be erected on, or projected around, a scene so that the unconscious minds of the observers instantly abdicate responsibility for its existence, assert that it's "somebody else's problem", and therefore don't perceive it at all. I've often thought that this was a perfect description of how many ADDers treat responsibilities, and said so to my ADD spouse (who is a big fan of Douglas Adams' writings). We've had all kinds of conversations about how his philosophy of home responsibilities seems to be that everthing is in an SEP field unless something makes it painfully clear that something is his particular responsibility -- whereas his philosophy, as a part owner (we live in a community property state) and partner in our marriage, should be more like everything is his responsibility unless somebody relieves him of it. (Let me say that I am not demanding a double standard -- I think we *both* should consider that everything is our individual responsibility unless the other partner advises us that we are off the hook.)
My ADD husband is at the point, after 15 years of medication and counseling (and persistent refusal by me to accept anything inequitable, and 10 months of separation several years back), where he has grasped this concept for the most part -- he tends to lose it in late winter/early spring due to his Seasonal Affective Disorder, but he reacquires this understanding by summer with more of that persistence from me -- and I am definitely *not* treated like part of the background. But no lie, it was a tough slog to bring this change about, for both of us. In many ways, for me it was like raising a child, only without the authority of a parent -- extremely challenging. And I'm convinced that it could not have happened without medication, or without counseling, or without my persistence -- if any one of these things had been missing, I'd be divorced today.
Don't know if any of this helps -- good luck.
I Wonder If I'll Ever Be There...
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
To make it that far where you're at now. It sounds like you've come out of the horrible trauma of dealing/treating ADHD... unscathed. When I hear your words in some of your posts how you describe your husband and compare his behaviors in a mild gentle form like "not considerate", and how you state you're not annoyed anymore by repetition of reminding your husband, and compare the repetition to the dishes...I wonder if after 15 years of persistent hard work, that I will be writing such a post. Your post is one of the few success stories I've come across so far. Curious though, if you had to compare the mild to extreme cases of ADHD...where your husband was on the scale? I'd really like to know in detail, if you don't mind posting back, as to what steps you took during your 10 month seperation. If there are any effective "Key" things you did. I'm seperated now, and plan to leave our marriage, but I know my husband doesn't want to divorce. But the extreme cases where you see exteme verbal/physical abuse, substance abuse, sex addiction, and chaos to the point of insanity...did you also have to tackle these issues in your situation?
Considering your husband has been on meds/therapy for 15 years...I'd really like to know around what year you started seeing such cooperation on his part. Your post is one of the few stories that give great hope to a non-ADHD spouse. It's something that I used to dream about...a happy ending. I'm not saying "and they lived happily ever after" kind of ending. More like an ending to the chaos and insanity, replaced by cooperation, understanding, and mutual respect w/continued harmonious work...in how you sound like in your posts. Your posts are very educational, and just today I e-mailed my husband your post on "Registering Inaccurately". It described him to a T. I hope you find some time to reply, and I'd like to thank you for taking the time to write all these posts of "hope" to share w/others. Can you please share "Key" steps you both took, in detail how to come out of this like you did? Thanks again!
not unscathed -- relative success
Submitted by arwen on
"Unscathed"??? NOT!!! I still sleep badly, get cluster headaches when things get stressful between us as they still do at times, and spend way too much time being really tired. On the other hand, it's a lot better than it was.
My husband's case is hard to rate. He's not hyperactive, so I don't have to cope with that part of ADHD. But he also has Seasonal Affective Disorder (which we didn't realize when he was diagnosed with ADD -- it doesn't make him depressed as much as it makes his ADD behaviors worse, very spacey in winter and very volatile in spring). So during the summer, his case was mild. But oh lordy, in the late fall, winter and especially the early spring! So we'd struggle and struggle to make progress during the "good" six months of the year, and lose it all and have to start over again during the "bad" six months of the year. Not unlike Sisyphus in Greek mythology, who was doomed to roll a huge boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, over and over throughout eternity! It was heartbreaking.
There were times of both verbal and physical abuse (not a lot, thank goodness), and there were times when my husband was definitely having problems with alcohol (though not severely). No serious manifestations of sex addiction (from my point of view), for which I regularly give thanks (but then, I'm pretty liberal in my sexual philosophies -- porn doesn't bother me, unless it's pedophilia, and as long as it isn't on the computer), but certainly sex problems. *Lots* of "chaos to the point of insanity", though. One of my biggest concerns was that my husband was at times unthinking about safety matters (tools, car, recreation) that endangered other people, including our kids. The fact that he was diagnosed after he turned 40 I think made dealing with his ADD far more difficult than if he'd been in his twenties. So, I guess all in all I'd rate it a "5", in the middle.
Key things we did that contributed to our (relative) success (we are still a work in progress!):
One other important thing wasn't something we did as much as something we came to understand. I'd known that dealing with his ADD was challenging for my husband, but I hadn't really appreciated that it took him much much longer than me before changing a given behavior stopped being hard work for him. And he had never really understand how hard his behaviors made my life, how much stress and extra work it put on me and how hard *I* had to work as a consequence -- he'd always thought that because I didn't have ADD and seemed to manage to get things done, it must all be easy for me. As a result of these understandings, we stopped resenting each other.
I should also say that our kids were important motivators for me during the time when my husband wasn't making much progress. I was very committed to them having as normal lives as possible and to providing them some financial assistance for college, which would not have been possible if my husband and I had divorced. So they were also a key element in our ultimate success.
Although my husband made noticeable progress from perhaps a year or two after he was diagnosed (it took that long to determine the right combination of meds), his ADD got increasingly worse as he got older (his ADD severity is hormone related), and his SAD factor made progress even more uneven. It wasn't until he started treatment for his SAD about eight years after his ADD diagnosis that we started seeing significant improvement. I'm sure that if we'd started treating his SAD at the same time as his ADD, we would have seen the significant improvement much sooner. The biggest improvement came, however, after we were separated, because we both worked harder, because my husband recommitted to following his SAD treatment regime, and because we instituted the formal meetings at that point.
I don't know if this tells you what you wanted to know - our case is very typical of ADD marriages in some ways and atypical in others. (But I don't think the atypical aspects are the reasons we've succeeded -- I know other ADD marriages that are more typical and have still succeeded.) I think that the things we did to preserve/save our relationship would be worthwhile in any troubled relationship -- I think a troubled ADD relationship just needs them *more*.
Same with us. When we first
Submitted by brooks30 on
Same with us. When we first got together if I showed even the slightest cringe of pain he would be nurse extraordinaire trying to do everything to help. After that phase passed, well then we have the oven story.
My husband acts like objects act on their own
Submitted by Sueann on
My husband does not take responsibility for his physical actions either. When we were moving here, he let go of a bookcase he was holding up. Apparently, it never occurred to him that it would fall, and land on me. He said he didn't realize he was holding it up.
He did, however, show sympathy and help me get into the house, etc. I don't see any excuse for your husband not doing that.
He seems to think things sort of act on their own and he doesn't have anything to do with it. The "bookcase fell onto your foot," not "I dropped a bookcase on your foot."
just like that BB
Submitted by Clarity on
take any little incident and make it angry, confusing and my fault. Thankfully, if he keeps taking his meds he's much better but, I have about twenty five years of unmedicated ADD and maybe three years of meds to "deal with" now. We need like, a recovery room, right? For years I didn't really recognize the abuse, verbal, emotional, never physical. I actually believed what he said, that everything really was my fault and I was completely bewildered about just what the heck was going on. I was obsessed with trying to figure it out and make myself a better person but... the years of confusion has just worn me out. Incidents like you describe with your foot, it's crazy! He provokes, I get upset, so he says I'm starting trouble, I point out that he started it which already he can't remember so I am now a hateful person. What? because I did not enjoy being picked on?
There was an incident when I had hurt my eyes and needed to keep them closed for 24 hours to heal. At the time our daughter was two and I needed him to stay home from work with us. I'm laying in bed with my eyes closed and he's angry and yelling about nothing, how did I provoke him while laying in bed blinded? It was awful.
Recently he told me I needed to stop using the credit cards. Hello, I'm the cash queen because of how he spends money. I tell him he better check to see if someone has stolen the credit card numbers. He finally admits he was using the credit cards but said it was my fault because I didn't pack him a lunch. Fifteen thousand dollars worth of unsecured credit card debt on lunch? Okay now, at this point he's medicated but still apparently unaware of what he's doing with the finances and, it's still my fault. Maybe it is because I didn't beat him over the head to get him to understand where he was taking us. Of course I knew where we were going but I thought okay, I've never been here before, maybe he'll finally learn his lesson.
Now, I literally work for food. I knew this would happen and I was still horrified with the situation and struggled with depression for almost a year. I did what I had to do and moved upstairs, refused to talk to him (what's the point?) worked for food, slept a lot, cried... I'm finally felling better and he tells me I should see a doctor I'm acting depressed. I tell him I'm finally feeling better and there's no money anyway. Well, he goes into this rant about how I'm punishing him, he's doing the right thing now, I have to forgive him... I just want to run away, I can't talk to him, he's not going to get it, he says (almost like he's taunting me) "look at you, you act like you've been abused. It's your dad's fault. You probably need some antidepressants."
okay, I got over my dad (probably bipolar or ADD, no real relationship there) when I married Mr. ADD. I've forgiven them both and find no reason to stick around for anymore target practice. Really, it's a pattern. He provokes, I get upset, he accuses, I point out that's not right, he starts name calling, finger pointing... and he absolutely loses track of what is going on. Now, I make a conscious effort to respond in a level tone to deflect an outburst and just walk away. Maybe I give up too easy but, I'm tired of fighting with him. Yes, he is better on meds but, without counsel, it's limited and at this point, it just feels like too little, too late. Besides, I've come to this conclusion, it's abuse whether he believes it or not. I just wish I would have figured that out sooner or at least had a "Plan B".
We could not be the only two this kind of stuff happens to...
They Should Pass A Law
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
Clarity, I feel so much of your pain, and I cannot even fathom how you stayed with him for 25 years. I probably would've been admitted in an Mental Institution after the 10th year. Although I am so against any kind of form of abuse...(jokingly...perhaps not) I think if non-ADD/HDspouses ended up going wacko on their ADD/HD spouses, they should be pardoned. People who have no knowledge of ADD/HD know NOTHING how bad we got it. Whats frustrating is...we're already burnt out from our ADD/HD spouses, to think we have to explain our situation even to non-ADD/HD persons too. They just don't get it either. Thats why we sink into this depression, because basically we're all alone in this...besides the people on this website, & persons who are educated on ADD/HD, which really, how many are out there like that in society unless you have to pay them to talk to you. We get slammed by both parties. Our spouses think "we're" crazy, & our friends/family think "we're" crazy too for staying w/our spouses, or either think we're creating all this insanity up. To top it off, our spouses tell their friends/family that "we're" to blame. If it wasn't for my younger daughter who's 9 (thank God, she isn't my husbands biological daughter), I think I would NEVER leave my condo. We ourselves have major issues too. My biggest one is "trust". I literally had cut myself off of society. It's worse when you're a stay at home mom like myself. Its going on almost 2 months now since we've been seperated, and I'm beginning to find myself again. Prior to that I made him sleep on the couch. Even though I tried to avoid him at all costs, just the fact that he was present being under the same roof ate me up. I don't know whats worse. Not speaking & pretending the other doesn't exist, or fighting all the time. I just knew that my soul was slowly dying. I've gotten stronger...pray...it truly does help. I'm not sitting around any more being depressed. Got sick & tired of what I had become from this relationship. What gets me motivated & looking forward to another day is, slowly everyday I do something to plan my exit out of this relationship. If a revelation were to take place...fine...but if it doesn't...then I'm psysically ready. Emotionally I'm there already. I posted something earlier stating how scared I was to be feeling no love for my spouse anymore. I don't know the difference if it's just repressed, or its just gone. Hang in there girl. I don't know if theres hope for your relationship, but there is definitely HOPE FOR YOU!!!
Ditto here.....
Submitted by Flower Lady on
Thank God for this website and everyone here who understands what it's like to be married to someone with ADHD. Hopeless, my husband was also on the couch...for years. Now he's staying at his mother's house and I'm so darned relieved. My soul was dying too, and just having him in the house made my anxiety skyrocket. It still happens when he comes over...even briefly. He still thinks I'm the crazy one...or as he puts it..."you're just extremely difficult." I'm a stay-at-home mom too...apparently not a difficult job at all according to my husband. I'm slowly making plans for myself and my kids...trying hard...consciously...to relax. I actually have to take deep breaths sometimes and tell myself that things are getting better....I'm getting stronger too but 26 years of this has taken a huge toll...it will take time for me to truly stand on ground that isn't shaking hard...never considered myself fragile in any way but so much verbal and emotional abuse over such a span of years...well....the path to wholeness is long.
Glad I have others to walk with me...:)
All I Can Say Is...WOW
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
Flower lady...all I can say is WOW!!! Clarity has 25 years under her belt, you have 26. WOW!!! You truly are my hero's for surviving all those years...and still standing w/your sanity. lol I do the same thing to relax too...especially talking to myself...hahahaha so classic. Thats good you're making plans too for yourself, because I wouldn't hold my breath how long he stays at his moms. Mines did that too, but ended up coming back. What cracks me up is that the very ones who are so judgemental on us...can't stand them either, and they're blood related! Thats why they probably come back...they either get kicked out of there too, or can't stand their bitching. To think that our spouses think we're the bitches, and they got it sooo bad w/us. Ever notice when he visits his mom, how their mom sounds so much like us? It just used to crack me up back in the day when I used to visit my mother in law w/my husband... to see how their mom sounds so identical to me... at the same time remembering comments my husband has made to me that "even his own mother doesn't treat him the way I do". hahahahaha Keep on keepin on!!!
I too have always felt that I
Submitted by emmers_22 on
I too have always felt that I will stick to it through thick and thin. BUT- once you are stripped of all self esteem and you lose yourself because you are constantly taking care of someone else ( who doesnt even recognize or appreciate it most of the time) and the household and the bills etc...the thick and thin part of the vows is in question. I think another way to think about it is this...Marriage is like a home. If you dont clean it up, if you dont take good care of it then it starts to look like a dump. Well my marriage is looking like a dump. It is my husbands fault and not mine and likely your husbands fault as well. Its their fault because they wont get help and fix their situation. Frankly I feel lied to. My husband lied to me when we got married and promised to take care of me, us, our life etc... I kept up my part of the bargain and now I look at what my life is made up of and I want to scream. My husband moved out 10 months ago. He is now pissed at me because his student loans are delinquent. I told him several times that I cannot afford to keep paying it. So he never followed up. NOT MY PROBLEM. If you want to leave your family and be a big boy...go figure it out yourself. I refuse to act like his mother and clean up his shitty messes. I am not an advocat of divorce and I do not want to divorce my husband, but a big part of that is my little boy who is 15 months old. If I didnt have him I would have filed 6 months ago.
My advice to you- do not let anyone tell you that you should set timelines etc....they dont work, especially for men with ADD. It will only make him worse. And dont set timelines for yourself. I never thought I would put up with my husbands bull for this long and Im not ready to make any big moves. You will know when you are ready to do something-and dont look for the signs.. you will just know. Get you own checking/savings account and dont tell him. If you can take a chunk of money from savings or start saving money in an account under your moms or a siblings name. If your marriage works out just close the accounts, he will probably never know if he has nothing to do with the finances as most men with ADD dont. Lastly-saturate yourself with friends and family go get a therapist and exercise. Therapy and Wellbutrin have been my best friend this past year.
in shock
Submitted by Steph on
I am in shock! Amazed that other ADHDers do this! All along I thought it was just me!
My husband says things like "I am not going to apologize to you because I didn't MEAN to do/say X" And he doesn't apologize, ever.
I am so relieved to be
Submitted by jules on
I am so relieved to be reading all this, but sad at the same time. Relieved that I am not alone, and sad that things can get so bad. My husband has only recently been diagnosed with ADD, and I am going through some crazy emotions. To think that the past seven years we've been married, there has been a reason for the "issues", but all this time I've thought it was somehow because I had a problem - there was some problem with the way I have been relating to our relationship. I am feeling so much resentment, and I don't know how to deal with it. Where do you draw the line? When does "for better or for worse" actually not count any more? I know deep down that he is a wonderful person, but this ADD monster has become a huge problem for me. I can't focus on the positive any more. I want us to reach a better place, but it's like I want him to make me fall in love with him again, and that's not happening. I'm feeling sad and worn out.
I can so relate
Submitted by Ann2 on
Jules and everyone,
I can so relate to everything that is being said. I dated my ex-husband for almost 7 years before we got married and was married to him for 8 years before I found out that he had ADHD. My self-esteem got soo worn down during the marriage. And he was a master at making me think that I was the problem and that I needed to get "help". For so long I really believed him. He looked down on me because I could not do it all...keep a house, work full time, raise kids, cook a hot meal every night and be ready to swing from the chandalier by 9pm. Being married to him was like being married to a tornado. Although when I was in it, it was so hard to see it. He was always on the go. Classic workaholic. Could never relax. He sucked the life and energy out of me and I never even saw it. I am divorced now and can see so clearly now. My self esteem is back. I am happy and at peace. Although raising my daughters on my own is not easy, it is easier than raising them and the ex because that is basically what was happening.
I read this article on another ADD forum and it brought tears to my eyes because it so perfectly described how I felt about my life with him. It put words to something I knew was there but did not know what it was for many years. This is not the whole article but the part about being the plowhorse hooked to the racehorse describes how I felt for so long....I think we are plowhorses ladies.
[This post was written by Crimson, the spouse of an A.D.D.er. Crimson does not have A.D.D.]
There is a thought stuck in my head today. I want to have ADD. Please don’t take offense, it’s not a joke – I feel left out. I feel like a freak in my own home. Feelings are just that – emotion. No logical sense to them, they just are. It’s not supposed to make sense. Practicality and logic are at war with emotion. I want to be able to understand the ADD – I want to be able to live in the moment and not be constantly worried about the future. I want to be unaware of Time. I want to live by my thoughts, desires, and emotions…and not be aware of the thoughts and emotions of those around me. I want to be creative and have dreams.
I can feel it – it’s in the air and it’s real, the difference in time, the difference in thought, the difference in speeds.
I am like the slow and steady plowhorse that somehow got hitched to the cart with a racehorse. He sets the goal and I try to go in that direction, steady and slow – but it doesn’t take long and he’s chomping at the bit. Life at Slow and Steady isn’t very interesting. The goal has changed and the direction has changed and poor old plowhorse is being dragged along and hasn’t gotten a chance to get it’s feet under it, or for it’s head to stop spinning. Productive it’s not. There’s usually a mess from such a change in destination – maybe bits and pieces of plowhorse hide and expensive cart repair…and hmmm lost a wheel somewhere…I want to feel alive and desired and appealing. I want to be lively and fun. I want to be loved and respected. I want to be a partner and to be important for what I bring into this partnership.......
Hang in there Jules. I can not tell you what to do but I can let you know that you are not alone. We have all been there...feeling worn out and sad. It will get better.
Thanks!
Submitted by jules on
Thanks, Ann2. Finding this blog has been a lifesaver for me. Realising that I am not alone, that it's not just me going crazy.