Hello Everyone! I am new to this forum. I've read so many stories similar to my relationship. I am not married to my significant other but we act like we are. I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend for almost three years. When we first started dating, he had everything under control (A Job, Rental House, Car, Goals, Motivation) But when COVID-19 hit, it really messed him up. He lost his job which he hated any way. He went back to school to finish his last class to graduate with his bachelors' but unfortunately, he flunked out of his class due not putting enough time and effort into studying because he would get so easily distracted. He would never go to class, I had to motivate him to go but that did not work. He would get so wrapped up with the house chores, he would not try to study or he would finish his homework 2 hours before its due. He dropped out school again. I tried encouraging and supporting him to go back but he's depressed. For the past 2 years, he's been staying in the house and worrying about petty things (chores, fixing up the house). I've been working non stop full time (12 hour shifts) and Its tiring because I get home sometimes I would have to cook and clean. He would be in bed all day or he would be stuck in the couch. He does not know how to take care of himself, no showers, brushing teeth, or eating. Lately I feel like I am turning into a parent. I would call him and ask if he ate, looked for a job, showered? No he didn't do any of those things, he's stuck playing videogames till 4am. I begged him for a year to seek professional help, find a job,and etc. I had to threaten to leave him so he knows I am serious. I am not happy with him anymore. I feel like I am puling all the weight. I love him but I have to care for myself more. We got into a huge fight and I am staying at a hotel to cool off. I am studying ADHD to understand him more but its hard! He's admitted into getting help but its ROUGH! He just started therapy but its also a struggle. He'll Gaslight and Manipulate me when we argue, makes it seem like its my fault. I am barley home. I leave the house at 7:30am and come home at 8:00pm. I snapped and I am sick and tired of pulling the weight. He's very entilited and able getting money from his parents. He literally bought a house because they gave him a loan for 50K. He just daytrades to make money but since were about to head into WWIII the stocks are sinking. I wanted to save up OUR money to buy a house which is rightfully ours, money we worked hard for. I am having brunch with his mom tomorrow. She understands my POV. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please, can anyone give me advice? Also, I know some medicine will make his mood swing. One time he almost put his hands on me. When I tell my friends whats going on, they tell me to leave. I really love this man, I don't want to give up, but our relationship is getting toxic.
I Don't Know What To Do? Help! Please! :(
Submitted by MysteriousSunni on 03/25/2022.
Your post about him is typical...
Submitted by c ur self on
He will do well as possible (alone, like you found him)...Same here (she did well lone, no one to carry her, being alone forces some accountability)....Last minute living usually don't change so you will do everything separate, taxes, not sharing in finance's are much of anything....Life will be all about him!...Are you sure you want to spend your life mothering an adult, and be freaked about HIS behaviors, hating jobs, everybody has problems with me...Blame etc...??
We don't think very highly of ourselves, when we settle for giving up our lives, to run interference for someone who needs to be single just to start their day in some fashion of accoutability....Think about it, I'm sure you could find someone whom you can trust to be a responsible loving partner....??
Self inflicted suffering usually don't end well....Read here a while...
I was only diagnosed in Dec
Submitted by LFCNZ on
I was only diagnosed in Dec 2021 at 50, I always thought I needed to just try harder, I realize now though that I cant be the person my wife needs, even though we have been together coming up 20 years. Its hard to admit, but I know she will be better off with out me and Im sure she will find someone who makes her much happier than I ever could.
Ive realized I can't provide the emotional support to someone in a serious relationships, so going forward I think just being alone or casual realtionships are best so I dont hurt anyone.
That is about the saddest statement I've read here LFCNZ...
Submitted by c ur self on
Our lives are filled with choices...As a husband or wife we have to make healthy choices, we have to daily get up and be thankful for our lives, and for our faithful spouses...We have to be responsible and honor each other, and the vows we've made....If we choose selfishness, or unhealthy ways of living, we do become a thorn in our spouses lives, instead of a loving support....And the pressure just builds....
We all have to make those choices though, and if the reality of our lives is I'm number one, I choose me! I choose bad habits!....Then being alone is the merciful way to go for everyone...I'm not a divorce advocate, just the opposite, but, if after 20 years if you still feel like your choices will make you a unsafe spouse, then so be it....No one (no human) know's you better than you....
I wish you well
c
On the other hand
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It always worries me when a partner says 'because it will be better for my partner, I'm going to do X." That takes away that other partner's agency. Why shouldn't your PARTNER be the one to make decisions about his or her life? It is more respectful to go to your partner and say "I feel horrible about myself in the relationship and I think I bring a lot of toxic things to this relationship and I fear that I will always be like this...so I'm wondering if we should split apart." Or, "I fear being so close to you and hurting you...can we talk about this? Maybe get some therapy to figure out what to do with this?"
I HATE that my partner made important decisions about my life without consulting me about it. He thought he knew what I would want, but he didn't. To not consult your partner about their opinion about the course of their own life is exceptionally disrespectful. Let your wife decide whether or not you can meet her needs. Don't do it for her.