My wife and I have been married for about 2 yrs now and the last 7 months have been really difficult. I lied to her over our finances. She would ask if we were doing ok and I would just tell here that we were to avoid going into any detail. She found out, I wasn't even man enough to come and tell her myself. I struggle with remembering tasks, lying, not taking responsibility for my own actions, always wanting to be what she wants not myself, I have a difficult time communicating as I will play out the entire argument in my head before I respond or just won't respond at all, I have always had a low self image, and i struggle with keeping to a course. This has severely shaken the trust and confidence that my wife has in me. I have been going to a counselor for about 6 months now and still have difficulty dealing with my issues. It was only recently that I remember that I had been diagnosed with mild ADHD when I was younger and I will be bringing that to his attention when I meet with him next time. I very earnestly want any help and guidance that anyone can offer to help me overcome these issues and save my marriage. I have been able to stop for a few months at a time but only fall back into the same habits when I don't stay focused. I Love my wife dearly but she has trouble believing me when I hurt her. I don't want to hurt her anymore.
Please Help
I think its great that you
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Honest Communication
Submitted by 4everSD on
Hi dmcaul, I think lauriejs is right: it's great that you realize what you need to work on and that you really want to try. It's also great that you're going to a counselor. It shows you're not afraid to ask for help, and that's a big stumbling block for a lot of people.
I'm the non-ADD spouse, and once we learned about my husband's' condition, it was a relief to know that there is a reason behind his behavior. Sometimes it's hard not to blame the person with the disorder, but it helps to remind myself that it is just the disorder talking.
I think almost everyone is a grab bag of assorted issues, so it's commendable that you can identify yours. I'm not sure I have a lot of advice except for: be honest. I feel like being completely honest and open is the only way to keep trust in a marriage, even if it's about the bad stuff. If it's a financial problem, cough up the details, and then admit that you might need help managing the finances. If it's a low self image, describe your feelings, even if they are painful, not in a melodramatic way but just honestly and as matter-of-fact as you can. Men have a hard time opening up, but on the rare occasions when my husband starts telling me about his insights and feelings, I'm honored and grateful, and it helps me empathize with him.
If you seem to keep having the same fight with your wife and your responses aren't working, try a new approach. There's so much emotion during a fight that it's hard to think straight, but if you can just take a step back and not saying anything for about a minute, assess your emotions and try to tell her honestly, without blame or self-pity, what you think and how you feel at that moment, it could open a door to better communication.
And finally, my best advice to anyone ADD or non, is make lists! Anytime you have a thought that you want to remember later, write it down, in a notepad or on your phone or whatever. Keep as many lists as you need - random ideas, urgent tasks, easy tasks, difficult tasks - whatever will help you sort through what needs to be done. And check them frequently. Put a reminder in your calendar every day at the same time that tells you to check your lists. And try sharing an online calendar with your wife. That's done a lot for my marriage - we've got important dates that pop up, as well as mundane weekly reminders that alert my husband to do basic tasks (none of them have been done yet of course! But they'll be popping up every week from now till eternity to drive him batty)
Good luck and let us know how you are doing!