Is there answers for adults with add/adhd on how to have quality of life, and marriage? Is there answers for any mind types (those who may be spouses to an opposite) in quality of life? Yes, and Yes.....So what's the problem? LOL....The problems are very clear....1) A person (any person) must be able to SEE their own behaviors and act on them...(# 1 just eliminated a large part of human society) 2) Everyone feels good about themselves, at a level that causes blindness and justification of dysfunctional living.
So number 2 has many many side effects, that spawn off of our own self love.....One is, it is virtually impossible for a spouse (someone linked by love, lust or emotion) to counsel (give verbal helps, pointing out better quality of life producing habits) another spouse...They can't hear your verbal help attempts, they hear, YOU are broken and insufficient....It would be extremely rare for this to not be the case.....(IMO, and experience...
But sadly it's the number one reason for failure in relationships, because its the number one go to by hurting spouses...Why? Because their is only two adults effected of course....No one else feels the pain and intrusiveness (abuse) being subjected to one another in the relationship...(you may have a few adult on lookers at best)...Minor children are not responsible, and are always victims to the adults dysfunctional and abusive behaviors, no matter how much we try to justify it, or blame each other...
So for me, it boils down to a few things.....Recognize my own faults (sins, bad habits, etc..) things that I might be justifying, or worse, blaming my spouse or others for, and work on those things...It takes humility, (being able to see the flesh for what it is) and a desire for righteousness, (how to love and be thoughtful of others, even if I have to remove myself from their presents, due to not being able to find any other way to have peace) that is bigger than my own selfishness....Sound easy??
Also, I must recognize the assured failure (stress and conflict producing) that will always be the product of my efforts when I ignore ! and 2 above.....People do not want ME or YOU to help them (fix them, to be more acceptable by me, you and others)...So our opinions about their bad habits, lack of responsibility, that their daily living of life might be producing, is their choice (or we should respect it as such, because they alone will have to address it) ...And our opinions concerning change for them, will always be a negative to them....(Be meet w/ defensiveness)....Even when they know we are right about their life styles as it pertains to 2 being 1....
This is proved out in our daily interactions, but, suffering people, do not always make the wisest of choices....We grasp for what we do have...A voice....But sadly, it's not heard, and we keep repeating ourselves until, one day we realize the futility of our efforts....Then we change....Boundaries, Respect differences, Or go our own way...But change, abandon what has never worked....
c
Absolutely true!
Submitted by jennalemone on
This whole thing you wrote here, c, is spot on. I know this. I still don't do it right most of the time. Just today I told H "how to talk to me". Ugh! He uses impish baby-talk and it drives me crazy. I didn't permit it to bother me for 30 years but now it drives me out of my mind. But telling him this only gets him to be petulant...like a child. I, most of the time, don't know where to go with my irritability with him of so many things he does and says to me. After too many times of being ignored and discounted or humiliated, I feel lonely and weak. Then, I will let out another "direction" for him to be different than he is. I know I should not react in my irritated state but saying nothing seems mean TO ME. Stuffing it, I have learned, is not a good long term solution either.
So, in the book I am reading, "Boundaries", it says to take a situation like this, and negotiate terms. Stating my feelings rather than his shortcomings. Then, offering negotiations.....like telling him how I will react next time he shifts into coy babytalk....(mimiking back to him is NOT productive - tried that too many times.)
But, what if I said to him. "I feel wierd when you talk to me like you are my child. I need you to talk to me like a man that I can respect." I am sure he would take offense and storm out. OK. Let me try, just, "STOP IT!" I am sure he will not know what I mean....BUT if he asks about it, I could maybe talk to him about as as adults. If he stomps out of the room, like he usually does, I will again know that he IS like a child. So, it is a learning and accepting situation. It is what I will do.... firmly just say, "STOP IT" until I am able to accept who he is and who HE wants to be.
c, I am glad you are on this forum. You are the sense of maturity and forgiveness and sense. Keep it up.
Jenna....
Submitted by c ur self on
It' sounds like he does it, with out thinking (bad habit)....Maybe you should just confront him kindly (when he isn't doing it) and tell him that it really bothers you when he speaks to you (attempts to communicate) in baby talk tones. And you would appreciate it if he would please try to remember to not do it....Maybe if you are kind (not saying you aren't, just trying to put myself in both of your shoes) he want feel threatened, and will admit it's an unconscious bad habit, and he might agree to attempt to be aware of it, and stop it...
I also understand where you are....You're first paragraph is so spot in for many of us (It's one of the reasons I wrote this post).....It says to me, I know I'm effected (emotionally and mentally) by what I've been subjected to (being ignored, being discounted etc) trying to be the spouse to this person....This is so valuable (to you) for you to admit this (all of us)....That is self awareness, and that is what is driving you to find healing...(Your boundaries book, and all the work you have done on yourself)
As long as we stick to working on our own dispositions (thoughts, feelings & behaviors) we are on the right track....And you are own the right track!
c
a note
Submitted by repeat that please on
what if you wrote him a note? a non-threatening, kindly put request--along those lines? you know?
could you throw in a little humor, like, "Darling, you are too big to spank, but I can put you in 'time out' if you can't be good."
This could be way off base...
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
... but I read that when children whine (you know that whiny phase they go through when they are very young... and that accompanying whiny voice that makes your hair stand on end...), a parenting tip is to stay calm and simply say, "I'm sorry... I can't hear you when you use that voice. Please use your regular voice." And eventually the child learns that if s/he wants Mom's (or Dad's) attention or to get something s/he wants, s/he will need to use a regular voice.
It almost seems insulting to suggest a similar tactic for an adult, but I just wonder if would work if you stayed the course, given you have already tried other approaches. It is a fair boundary. (i.e. I will not respond when you address me in a way that I have repeatedly told you I dislike.) Just throwing it out there!
The videos will be priceless
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I believe it is a valid approach. I'd expect significant temper tantrums / rages to routinely result. You'd have to have the mantra, 'I am speaking to an adult', running continuously through the back of your mind.
Yes.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I believe it could work. It is a reasonable boundary to set.
How to respond?
Submitted by jennalemone on
I would like to be able to write a little "how to" book on how to respond to people when you are gobsmacked. So often, I am mute and slow to respond or else I "react" rather than respond.
Yesterday, these are the words H said to me in a facetious tone, "Requesting permission to gather a bit of dinner" with hands pleading forehead down like a beggar ala Oliver Twist "May I have some more, sir". I had no good response at the moment. My exasperation of dealing with inane, "coy and cute" remarks from him is tiring and I have become mute to his constant teasing. I said, sorta playing along and sorta "stop trying to be cute and just talk to me like an adult partner!!!", I said, "Permission denied. Now back to your quarters." Granted, that was smarmy, but he lives in Smaryville. He stormed off offended. Better him offended than me again.
No, I refuse to be like his "counselor" or this "mother" or his speech coach. I would love an adult relationship with a partner rather than a silly, teasing clown. Or at least a balance of funny with a little substance.
It's a game...He does it to get you to respond....
Submitted by c ur self on
You just don't like him Jenna.....It's how he is....It's not mean to not respond...It's mean to ignore your wife's request to approach her w/ respect and adult conversation (or none at all).....I think about 6 months of the exact same response would get his attention....If you come up w/ a short little reply, that you use 100% of the time, when he is trying to pull your chain w/ non adult comments or behaviors.....
I suggest three softly spoken words w/ direct eye contact...Then walk away emotionless, regardless of his reply....."You are tiring"
I know if I was your husband, and my game was back firing (You stopped taking the bait)....I think after several months of that, I might want to rethink my position, and have an adult conversation...LOL...
c
These Boots Are Made For Walking
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
In my relationship with my boyfriend, I found that walking away has packed the biggest punch. No words had the same impact as me walking away from him. When they have no audience the behavior is stopped cold.
I will walk away in embarrassing situations even if I'm in public. I'm happy to say he is modified his behavior.