Hi all,
I hope everyone is well. I’m here for a bit of advice. I’ve been a long time lurker and also posted coming up to a year ago now about mine and my wife’s marriage. In summary, we separated about a year ago (entirely my doing and my fault, and I take no pleasure in writing that). We’ve been back together since the start of the year. I love her and my family dearly. Almost definitely more than they’ll ever know.
Bit of background -
- We’ve been together for about 8 and a half years
- 3 kids, 1 year, 6 years & 7 years
- She has autism, I have ADHD (severe, combined)
I’ve truly made a real effort since we got back together at the start of the year. I want to be a better husband. I want to be a better father.
I’m certain I’ve made improvements in both whilst also accepting that there is certainly room for significant improvement. I’ve tried, I’ve really, truly and genuinely tried. Has it always been good? No, not always. But, In fairness, I know she isn’t looking for perfection and her expectations are realistic.
I’m trying to understand and make sense of where things are at currently and whether my feelings are driven by ADHD/RSD, whether it’s my past actions, or whether it’s just ‘the plain and simple truth’. I’m 100% committed to doing whatever needs to be done, but I fear that she doesn’t actually want to be with me and, therefore, whatever I do won’t be enough to make her love me and want to be with me. Just writing that out feels like a million knives.
Here’s a brief summary:
- I don’t think she likes me at all.
- I don’t think she actually wants to be around me.
- I think that if I didn’t say “I love you” first, she’d never say it
- We’re not intimate at all. I don’t just mean sex, I mean any form of intimacy.
All of the above is making my head run wild and I’ve spent so much energy trying to work things out and make sense of it all, but I can’t, hence the post I guess.
Is this all in my head?
Is it all true?
I just don’t know. I do often get into my own head but actions speak louder than words and the actions I’m seeing heavily suggest that she simply hates me and wishes I wasn’t around.
I’d like to understand this, but also continue working on being a better husband and a better father. I’m 100% committed to this.
I’d be so appreciative of some help or guidance if anyone wouldn’t mind?
Ask her
Submitted by adhd32 on
Ask her your statements directly as questions. It might be difficult to hear the answers but at least you will know the truth and can make decisions based on the truth rather than speculating and wondering. It is commendable that you are making an effort to improve. Her autism may also play a role in your discord. Are either of you working with a therapist? Ask her what you can do to improve and do it without picking her answer apart and justifying your behavior.
One thing I will say as the non wife is sometimes H's effort is limited to once or twice the new way and then right back to the maladaptive old way. This is frustrating because reminders of the things he agreed to do that have fallen to the wayside inflame him. Then his RSD kicks in and I am the bad guy once again even though he specifically says he needs reminders and asks me to tell him what I need. If one of the things I told him I needed him to do ends up getting done by me because it is time sensitive and time is up, WW3 begins with "im just a failure, you think im stupid, you never trust me"...ad nauseam. Sustained effort has never been his strong suit unless it involves a pet interest. So, if the burden of childcare, housework, and employment all rest on your wife's shoulders and your efforts are short lived, she may not be very amenable to opening up and lowering her guard only to be disappointed once again. The last thing is that if you cannot do something or don't know something, say so instead of pretending to understand (which may not be true in your case). Many times I will refer to an email that needs action or some other business that needs attention and H will agree and then drop the ball because he really didn't read the email or understand there were additional steps because he reads the words but isn't absorbing the content. There is no shame in saying "I dont know" rather than pretending to be on top of a task.
I think rebuilding warmth takes a long time
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
If my husband had taken steps to improve our marriage, I know I would have had to see sustained improvement over a long period of time before I could have tackled the warmth and intimacy part of our problems. For me that would have been a couple years of him getting treatment, keeping promises and genuinely prioritizing the unfortunate drudgery of running a household with me. He let me down for SO many years, that it would have taken years to prove he was really there for our family. Only once I felt I could trust him as a partner would I have been able to feel warmth towards him again. I think this is fair, because non-ADHD partners are rightly-so very guarded after years of struggle. But I also think it's genuinely hard for ADHD partners working to improve because if you feel you've been doing well for a few months, you probably hope for a change in your wife. I can understand why her demeanor is distressing for you when you're genuinely working at it. I would guess she's still traumatized. She still doesn't trust that improvements are permanent. She's still probably overcompensating out of habit. Honestly, with gender roles alone, she's still probably carrying far more than 50% of the load. Basically if I were your wife, I would need a lot more time to let my guard down and let you in.
I would also agree with adhd32 - you may just need to ask her if she sees a future where she's able to return your love and warmth genuinely again and what it would take to get there. Make sure the things you're doing also align with what she actually needs from you.
I really don't think you're here, but I will say that I did get to a point where the switch had flipped for me and I was done with the marriage. While there was a long time I would have welcomed effort from my husband, after almost two decades, I was done. There would have been nothing he could have done at that point. IF your wife is at this point, it would be fair for you to know that.
Just one more thing... ADHD and autism aside, 3 kids under 8 would test even the most stable or most neurotypical relationship. No doubt every day is an exhausting scramble from morning 'til night so good for you both for doing your best for them.
Thank you for such a good
Submitted by BetterHusbandBe... on
Thank you for such a good reply.
it's worth noting that I've been far from perfect. I've not consistently been consistent and have 'dropped the ball' on certain things so I don't expect her to be head over heels in love with me.
I'm at compete peace if it'll take years to prove to her that I'm serious. I've got time and will do whatever it takes, for however long it takes. I guess my biggest concern is that it's too late and she'll never be able to like me, love me, or even be able to be around me without me making her skin crawl.
As the poster above pointed out (thank you for taking the time to reply by the way!), talking to her would make a lot of sense but I'm scared of the answer. I can't lose her and my family. I just can't.