I need his income information for our taxes and his father is his employer. He refuses to call his father/job and get the info and since we're traveling we can't access the form that was sent to our home. I asked him to call the job and get it faxed or emailed to us or just ask them the numbers. I am doing my taxes myself (joint), he has not done his for his country yet. I also did mine for his country (I'm a permanent resident there.) So I'm on my own with our US taxes and my other country taxes, but his father told his mother to email us and let us know that he's getting his accountant to take care of hubby's.
Here's the deal: hubby has not held down a job in his life that was not provided by his father except for a couple of movie extra jobs for a few days here or there. I have worked 2 jobs to support us on my own and then his dad gave him a job for a while but then reduced his salary so now he gets an "allowance." It's a huge long story but right now I'm dealing with this list of possible ADHD traits:
1. No sex, no affection, no touching. All contact is awkward.
2. He doesn't groom himself, shower, brush his teeth.
3. Everything is someone else's (mostly mine) fault. He can't be blamed for anything. Ever.
4. he loses things like his cell phone, birth certificate, well anything really.
5. He snaps at me all the time, does not understand when I infer things, answers things literally, repeats everything I say "to make sure he understands", does not bother to set reminders.
6. He does not read self help books as he says they're useless. He says he will see "an expert". He lets everyone else do for him.
7. Did I mention everything is my fault?
8. He blurts out personal information all the time. Like the time he told my in laws that I was on a new medication for anxiety that was not their business. Of course now it's my fault if he blurts stuff because he can't be expected to be able to handle a CONVERSATION with his family members at all. Meanwhile, his father and mother own half the house (with HIM, not me!) and have been controlling my life for 3 years. He also told me "I'm not on their side, I'm not on your side, I'm on MY side." It's been like that for years.
We have been married almost 7 years. We can't even have a conversation anymore. He is so ANGRY at everyone, everything, all the time. He snaps at our child, he doesn't want her playing or laughing or being loud, doesn't want her painting because it can "make a mess" even though he is a pig and leaves crap everywhere.
I have NO money left. In 2010 I had 2 jobs, thousands in the bank, was supporting all three of us without his dad's help and his dad told him he was gonna retire in 5 years and wanted us to move to Canada. So we did because well hubby saw dollar signs in his eyes because FIL said he was selling off his company for MILLIONS and would give hubby 4 million dollars. I have been MISERABLE. My anxiety went off the charts. His whole family are up our butts -- we never have any money, can't afford anything.
I'm so depressed.
"I'm On My Side"???? WTF???
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm sorry for the profane acronyms but it's the first and only thing that comes to mind in a response to that....WTF!!
It might be comforting for you to know coming from someone who has ADHD to hear how outrageous a comment like that sounds. I think Narcissism is driving your husbands boat more than ADHD. Just my opinion.
I think there's more there
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
I think there's more there than just the ADHD for sure. His sister is ADHD and on meds and her husband is on antidepressants because well, I guess that's what happens when one person's ADHD is really severe (?) I mean I already had anxiety but imagine living in a situation where your hubby acts like a child, does not pay bills (he says they don't "deserve" the money or something?!), has no interest in you or your child, and whose father, mother, sister and brother in law call all the shots in your family. I have had the 4 of them + him attacking me about my anxiety, I have been threatened by them as well. My MIL yelled at me to "do something about" my anxiety, but she never said shit about my husband's inability to function. When we have money problems he runs to them for help and then says it's "our" fault and "at least 50/50". He lets his mom says stuff like, "you guys need to work on a budget" -- no maam I have my own bank account TYVM and I do my own budgeting. I have given hubby money for his mortgage and for the house repairs etc etc for years. So it's his mom and dad supporting him along with me. And the mom and dad hate me. My sister in law is incredibly volatile and we live right around the corner from them. SIL and her hubby have shown up uninvited to "counsel" me so many times. Actually it's threats, attacking and so on. SIL even said I "destroyed their family."
No one understands what's really happening. They are happy to blame me every step of the way.
Oh yeah hubby is great at playing video games and reading fluff books. He says it's because it takes no effort. Also, once during winter when we went to drop off our child at school I got out of the car and asked if he was joining us and he actually said to me, "I don't want to stand up, that would take effort."
We need a divorce. I can't take this anymore. I need to get away from his batshit crazy family, too. Tired of them refusing to give me basic information like bank stuff, the car insurance and so on. His father walks away when I talk to him; whatever hubby has, his dad has it as well. I'm like "hostage" because hubby can't talk to his parents and his parents are so involved in our lives; also his mom and dad tell his sister and husband EVERYTHING about us.
And I'm in the states now visiting my family and asked the parents to let us know if they were going to go into our house because I have someone watching it. The MIL wrote back to me that since they took over the mortgage (they did without talking to us, obviously because hubby missed too many payments) they can come and go in the house without having to tell us. NIce. All my worldly goods are in that house, so you can see how I feel right now. They can be going through every paper and my underwear for all I know! I don't trust them at all.
I had a nervous breakdown last summer (but didn't take time off work for it since I can't afford to). He finaly realized how the past 3 years of living under his parents' and sister's family's dominon have destroyed me. But it's a case of too little too late because he refuses to take responsibility even now. He says what could he do, he didn't know. He plays dumb all the time. Leaves me to pick up the pieces of my life which he had a huge hand in destroying. I shouldn't have trusted him, but you're supposed to be able to trust your husband. But I should have known when I was working my 2 full time jobs from home and he was whining about having to watch our 1 yr old child -- he was like, "i'm not going to just stare at her all day!" He pushed me to put her into daycare for $600 where the daycare worker nearly smothered her to death at naptime! I should have left him then. It's always been about HIM and his comfort and convenience.
Take charge of your own life....
Submitted by c ur self on
I've read your two posts, and you are right, a wife should be able to trust her husband...But every thing you say here describes a very lazy spoiled individual that was raised by over protective enabling parents...So you shouldn't expect him to be any different as long as he thinks this is the life he should be living...But I would of found a peaceful place to live...Just because of items 1 and 2 on your first post...
I agree; I keep trying to
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
I agree; I keep trying to pretend and it isn't ever going to happen. It's a lost cause and now I have to build a life for myself and my daughter.
I don't believe in divorces,
Submitted by c ur self on
I don't believe in divorces, but no one can be expected to be drug down the road your husband is dragging y'all...Just don't go backwards...Take charge, find a job, be responsible, and if he loves his family he will get a job and start living responsible without mommy and daddy...If not you will be better off...Y'all have a lot to deal with and based on your posts it hasn't been handled well...No free rides in this life....Your child deserves better....You both do.
I already have a job, I have
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
I already have a job, I have never not had a job. I had 2 jobs and contracts on the side. His parents give him an allowance. When I had my daughter I had her on a Saturday and started a contract job that Monday. Believe me, I am a woman who is supporting the man and that's not right especially when I was working two jobs, one 40 hours and one 30 hours a week at the same time. Now I have only one job (I guess I'm slacking???) and that's not enough to start over on my own.
You Didn't Marry a Man....
Submitted by kellyj on
you married a family....your husbands is still a little boy (low man on the totem pole) and the parents and SIL are in charge. Hubbies behaving himself until he can get to Daddy's money.........sister is trying to get rid of the competition so she'll get a bigger cut. $$$$ makes the rules and it's all a big competition for a bigger slice of the pie. I know families like this....run away!
Seriously, I new a woman who married a friend of mine who's family was like this. Non stop drama and crisis. She called them the same thing you did..."batshit"....really, no kidding. It nearly drove her crazy. Last time I heard from her, she was divorced and sounded like she was doing a lot better.
Your husbands a child who will always be until his father dies.....then he will an old child with money with no one to tell him what to do anymore. Not a pretty picture.
Yes, I didn't realize how
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
Yes, I didn't realize how enmeshed they all are and you're right about the sister -- she is the kind of person who wants the bigger cut of everything (I have enough examples of this!) She also always has to have the newest and latest of everything before everyone and is in competition with her brother, mother etc. I had a camera so she got herself a new one and so did her mother. They're all nutballs. My BIL even told me I married the whole family. And I'm like um, no. I may be PART of a new family but I'm not literally married to them, I don't support them and let them into my bank account and bedroom. So far they've been involved in everything so divorcing him is just like divorcing all of them. I even thought a few years ago I would divorce him just to get rid of them. They're absolutely way too involved in my life. His sister is a nurse and even gave me her antidepressant and cajoled me into taking one. I took one (my doc would not prescribe it for me though she badgered me to ask him) and it made me sick and then hubby told BIL that I was not taking them and he told his wife who then wrote me an email yelling at me about how you have to stay on them etc. and how she was going to come to my house every morning to make sure I took them. I didn't have a prescription, I had HER pills and I don't know what she was thinking. SHe also came to my house and told me she would not "let me" leave Canada with my child. Seriously. The FIL said he'd put me in a mental hospital (I have anxiety just as his wife and daughter do, but I'm the one who needs a hospital?) Because basicaly after 3 years of this crap I was having anxiety and panic all the time and hubby took time off work to actually HELP ME. Wow. Then dad got mad and BIL got whiney and came over to complain that he did FIVE WHOLE HOURS of work, and why was hubby at home with me? Seriously. (BTW the BIL is employed by the FIL and makes 60K a year at a job he should be getting maybe 30K a year for plus he takes time off for the kids, for his migraines and kidney stones etc. They also have the FIL and MIL paying for all their gas (something like $500 a month) and car repairs etc. But they came to us and berated us and said, "Why do you think MIL/FIL are responsible for your bills?" --- pot calling kettle black much? Not to mention the BIL has been employed by the FIL for 15 years and has been sucking off them for that long. I work my own jobs without their help. And SIL had a team of house cleaners she paid $500 a month for because her 3 kids are apparently useless at helping clean the place. And the whole thing about how she "couldn't work for 18 months" when she had her 3rd son -- seriously. I worked through my pregnancy and was even doing a semester at college at the same time. Hubby wasn't working at all he just magically got a paycheck. Nice, right?
My Friend
Submitted by kellyj on
I saw this play out over and over every time I saw my friend get a new girlfriend and then later...with his wife. I ran into one of his old girlfriends one time and she even said that what I saw of her while she was with my friend wasn't anything like what she would normally be like. I told her that I saw this same things with all his girlfriends and she shouldn't worry too much about it being about "her".
Bottom line.....you are probably reacting like most woman would under the same circumstance with only slight variations as they pertain specifically to you.
I no longer maintain a friendship with my old friend simply because the drama was even too much for me....and I didn't have to live with them or be involved with his family....much. But even a little became too much and I had to exit the program.
Unfortunately....he was a great friend and a good guy to do things with since there was always a lots of action (good for my ADHD) We got along great but.....the family thing was just too much. They controlled him.....his thoughts and his actions....and to lessor extent in my case...the people he was with. Everything or every time we did things together...his family was some how involved.
Like I said.....this isn't something that is specific or even caused by ADHD but it certainly could make this even worse on almost every level by having it.
Stay sane and protect yourslef.....good luck.