Today a close family friend got into a car accident, but it was too late to get him a rental car, so he asked if he could borrow one of ours. We agreed to meet him for dinner at a restaurant and bring him a car. Then it started pouring rain and H started getting anxious about the rain and driving.
H and I each had to drive separately so that we could lend the friend one car. H and I left our home at the same time, but I wasn't paying attention to how close or far he was behind me.
While driving, the rain was still pouring, and a friend called me ( I have bluetooth, so handsfree.) . I was on the phone with her for less than 30 seconds (phone record proves that). I told her that it was raining and I couldn't talk now. When I got off the phone, I thought that I had missed my turn. Everything was dark from the rain and just looked different, so I got into the center turn lane to do a U-turn. I tried calling H to tell him what was going on, but he didn't answer his phone (and my cell phone PROVES that I did try to call him.)
Right after I made my U-turn, I realized that I hadn't missed my turn, so I had to make another U-turn to get back to my original direction. H calls me to ask what is going on, and I tell him. He immediately gets nasty. He asks me if I saw that he almost got into an accident. I said, "No," because I hadn't. He claimed that after I got into the turn lane to make the first U-turm he "had" to make a crazy lane change (HIS CHOICE!!!), and nearly hit someone (which would have been HIS fault for making an unsafe lane change, NOT MY FAULT!).
Then, he tells me that I never should have answered my friend's phone call in this weather. (lol...he didn't mind that I answered HIS phone call to me!!) Then he sends me a nasty text that says: "You led me to believe that you were in great distress (blah blah blah). ..." He used those exact words in his text. I didn't "lead him to believe" ANYTHING. Making a U-Turn does not necessarily mean "great distress." He jumped to that conclusion....which is understandable, but I didn't "lead him to believe" that. And I tried to call him, but he didn't answer!
Anyway, we get to the restaurant, and once inside, H will not stop berating me...I kept asking him to "drop it" "don't make a scene," etc.. I get up to leave and he gets up and raises his voice and people start turning around and looking. (the restaurant was noisy, so early on, no one heard him, but it was still inappropriate. And once he stood up and got louder, then people DID notice and began staring.) I finally went to the bathroom and waited for our friend to get there. H is furious at me and keeps telling me that I need to apologize for what happened on the road! lol It hasn't even dawned on him that HE ALONE is responsible for his driving and any possible accidents....no matter WHAT I do or don't do.
I'm not going to speak to him for the rest of the night. I did nothing to deserve any of this. I'm sure that tomorrow he'll claim that I raised my voice as well in the restaurant, but I assure you that I didn't. I was raised well.....he wasn't. Never would I raise my voice in a public place....ever.
I am so sick of the fact that I can't just have a normal night without worrying that some small hiccup isn't going to upset him.
Today he found out that he has to have surgery at the end of this month, so maybe that is why he's also grumpy, but he'll never admit that. I'll be glad when he has the surgery because he'll be out of my hair for several days. What a relief that will be. I know that sounds sad, but it's true. He's had this surgery before, and last time he was in the hospital about 5 days.....5 days of bliss at home....no fear of some silly flare up over nothing.
And....he's still angry....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It's now been over 24 hours and he's still angry. He finally stopped going on and on about my U-turn, and now he's moved on to his typical go-to "angry list"...."I have the worst life. I have no life. I have no reason to live. You're a bad mother, you're a horrible wife, you're a liar, I can't stand to even look at you...." And so I leave, but he keeps calling and texting and emailing hate messages. And then it's "my fault" that he wants to go get drunk?!?
I swear....he does this so that he has an excuse to drink.
he will never change
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi OW, I have been "free" from my BF for a while now and I am loving it...no more unexpected unreasonable outbursts, no guilt trips, no crazy behavior, no more being blamed for everything. I can't believe how CALM life is without him. I know you said that you are financially tied to your H, but some things are worth more than money....like peace, serenity, not being victimized or blamed all the time when all you were trying to do was help a friend. I would not trade my freedom from all of this for anything in the world, and you are one of the people that helped me come to this realization this summer that my life would be so much better without him. You are soooo RIGHT.
I hate to see that you are once again having to jump through hoops and go through hell because of your H's illness. You know he will NEVER change, that he will only get worse. Why don't you take the great advice you gave to me, and just get out of this sick relationship. I am not young...I am 60, and have a lot of chronic health problems, but I have been able to survive these past couple of months, and my back pain got a lot better just getting the principal source of stress (him) out of my life. I just hate to see such a strong, competent, wonderful person like you being repeatedly put in these miserable, no-win situations. I send you LOVE and STRENGTH.
I'm so happy to read your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm so happy to read your message, sickandtired. Any chance that things are so much better that you can get a new screen name?
Glad to see that you're back!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Was wondering what happened to you!
The problem is that I invested nearly all of my parents' inheritance into a successful business that H can EASILY completely destroy if I were to leave him. It's not just idle threats, he's already done "some" damage one time when he thought that I was leaving him. I had to "pay" that client off to keep "peace" and prevent a lawsuit for contract breach. It was terribly humiliating, and thankfully the client just accepted the money and quietly went into the background. A bad online review, bad publicity or lawsuit would have destroyed the business.
As horrible as I feel during one of H's episodes, I know that I would feel worse if he destroyed my business, knowing that my share of my parents' money was now all gone. And, even with a destroyed business, I would still have expenses related to the property and buildings that the business is contained. I own the buildings and they have expenses whether the business is bringing money in...or not. I have contracts for well into 2016, so if H were to destroy the business, I would owe an immense amount of money for broken contracts, etc.
Yes, some things are worth more than money, but I have children and pets that rely on me. We can't live on air or sleep in the fields. I really wish it didn't have to be this way. H and I were separated before, he didn't give me ONE CENT during the separation, so I was living off my parents' inheritance while I was getting this business off the ground. H left me with every bill, every expense, our children's expenses, etc. He's a narcissist, along with his other issues, so "punishment" is the MO ...always. In his mind, I "deserved" it.
H is mentally ill, and I live in a state where someone with a mental illness would likely be awarded the majority of his pension since his atty could easily argue that he's in no condition to earn any money, while I am younger and in good health.
Yesterday ~ another day, another day of anxiety & depression....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Yesterday, we had to deal with the outcome of son's fender-bender. The accident was clearly the other person's fault and the other driver admitted fault to my son at the scene, but the cop didn't understand the "story" and wrote the police report VERY vaguely, and the insurance company concluded that it was "shared fault"....which means we pay the deductible and likely will get an increase in premium.
So, as our son was trying to gather info and talk to the police officer about the report, H's anxiety level kept rising to the point that he was impatient, irritable, and rude....but mostly only to me because he fears "losing" this son.
H would go "on and on and on" while we were trying to resolve the issue. When son was on the phone, H kept talking, making it difficult to hear.
Also....and some of you probably can relate....when calling and getting one of those auto-answers where you have to listen to the menu of what number to press...H wouldn't shut-up so we could properly hear the number choices (this happens a LOT). Of course, H gets mad if he's "shhh'd". And later he will rage about how he's more important than some phone call. lol (oh wow....I'm so sick of that excuse. Anytime he misbehaves, then he'll say that he's more important than (fill in the blank).
As mentioned in the first post of this thread, he caused a minor scene in a restaurant. I told him to lower his voice because people were looking. Later I told him that he had no right to disturb other people's meals. HIs response to me was that I needed to care more about HIM than strangers in a restaurant.