I tried to communicate some things. Some very important things. Some very fundamental things.
I cannot be heard. I don’t know where adhd symptoms begin/end and the other stuff like personality, denial, dysfunctional views of relationships, selfishness, simple misunderstanding, communication style, etc, also begin/end.
After another attempt, and getting anger in return, I give up all over again. I cannot be heard yet again, and I don’t know if/when that will happen. For awhile after this latest attempt, I wondered if he was right, and I was being too sensitive, too this, too that. Was I reframing things to fit my own internal narrative? I wondered. But then I remembered. I know I’m not crazy or viewing things totally in left field because other people tell me their relationship with him is strained, too. Other people voice hurt over the same things I tried to address. Extended family members have also given up, and I’ve watched them draw boundaries. Other people watch him with me and make comments about how our relationship is.
I’ve wracked my brain again and again. I’ve tried so many things. I cannot keep trying and pushing. I think I’m done. I give up. Again.
I think my only way to stay in this marriage and not despise him, stop loving him completely, or become horribly jaded is to view him and think of him in the same way we would view someone who’s been in a terrible accident and now can do nothing to fix the damage to their brain. That isn’t the truth of our situation, but I think it’s the view I have to have for my own mental health. For my own heart’s sake. Because I can’t forever stay mentally in the place where things should be far better, could be far better, but aren’t far better.
~ Brin
Giving up again
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am so sorry for what you are feeling, Brindle. So many of us have been there, done that and are wearing the t-shirt from this wild ride that never ends. I have recently had tried to reach my husband regarding a few issues and I have gotten nowhere. I have already disconnected from him as much as possible within the marriage for my own health... I am at a complete loss for how else to manage this. It is awful desperation when we start reaching for these coping mechanisms (viewing your H as though he has a permanent brain injury). This is how hard it is to live with someone like this!!
I can really only commiserate, but I also want to remind you that you have likely done everything and more (and more) on your side. "I cannot keep trying and pushing." I have said the same words out loud to my husband. Eventually we have exhausted our resources. There is nothing left. It's not your fault. I wish I could hug you.
Melody
Submitted by Brindle on
Thank you so much for your caring reply. I always feel comforted by your words. I will happily take the commiseration you offer, as I feel understood when I read your experiences and hurts. I’d take you up on that hug, too!
You called it awful desperation... that’s true. It is just that. What a place I’m in, where that seems like a better way to cope. Sigh. It really is so hard hard hard to live with someone like this.
If only those precious moments of peace could last....
Submitted by c ur self on
Mental freedom for the spouse of a highly distracted person is the most glorious gift we could receive....It's like the heaven's open up to us, w/ ray's of soft sunlight, it's like a breathe of the freshest air on earth...Our anxiety level goes static....
The following is a letter I just finished to my wife concerning communication....My goal w/ this letter, is to attempt to bring light to the issue, and own my many failings as well...If she doesn't feel loved and respected, she want consider the dysfunction of our reality....I need to not forget that!...Because I want it for myself.....
c
Just a thought...When we have loving communication by stopping our minds ( distracted focus on self, other people, & things) we can accomplish great things in our marriage, and protect and grow in our spiritual lives..Spousal understanding must be a priority for us...We must love, accept, and live with hearts and minds that desire to have this vital understanding... I learn more about you in those rare peaceful moments when we are being honest and open than I ever have in all of our unwise efforts...When Jesus is not leading us...When defensiveness, and justification of selfish acts, is the fruit of our actions... And you know, it is only emotionally destructive to our marriage, and our peace...And it’s also clear to me, you do not know me, or my heart...We need to agree on what is respectful... ( where does scripture (Jesus) lead us in good communication habits?). You know it takes work and discipline ( time and energy placed into one another) to have what we vowed to be in this life time commitment to one another...It’s clear ( from this mornings discussions, and many many days prior) that we do not understand each other, or how to love each other...
I keep mentioning marital scripture references, because it’s the only way for God’s will to be enacted in us... It’s the way to the abundant life the Father wants for us...I’m ashamed of my lack of wisdom in many area’s, but especially communication...Once we start having Godly face to face communications, I think it will be a huge blessing to us and our relationship... (forego texts that are easily misunderstood, or disrespectful phone calls where we put one another on a time clock, to hear the others thoughts about important matters ( those that effect us both, and most all do, we are 1) with no concern or time to hear the opinion of your spouse about the personal thoughts you just dumped in their laps) This respectful change ( good habit) will also identify just how little time and effort we have put into loving and patient communications with our spouse... No one can do this for you and I...You know Jesus will always meet us there, and u also know he want force us there... Our hearts must cry out for a wiser way... Dick always said it best...The husband and wife must care enough to do the work..Love you!
If only those precious
Submitted by Brindle on
If only those precious moments of peace could last... Mental freedom for the spouse of a highly distracted person is the most glorious gift we could receive....It's like the heaven's open up to us, w/ ray's of soft sunlight, it's like a breathe of the freshest air on earth...Our anxiety level goes static...
True. I’ve been thinking this week (or however long since I made the original post up there) that I don’t need to feel sad or upset that things are as they are. I can just be happy, regardless. I’m floating emotionally. Might be my own escapism at play. Or more detaching? Not sure. Could it be acceptance? Mmm, feels like the switches flipped a bit too easily to be acceptance. Whatever it is, the calm internally feels good.
So right Brindle...
Submitted by c ur self on
(I don’t need to feel sad or upset that things are as they are.)
That's right!....we didn't cause it, and we can't change it...We can how ever discipline our own thinking, feelings and behaviors....What we are accountable for...
The more I come to peace with what is and isn't possible in our relationship, (stop self inflicting my own emotional damage) the more peace and contentment I experience in my own life....
(IMO) The simple symptoms of add/adhd or workable for many adders...Those who live accountable for their actions (no excuses)....But most of us who post here, don't seem to have that....We have spouses who refuse ownership, and excuse their behaviors....(You can't have remorse, if you never do anything wrong?)
Husbands and wives were meant to be able to communicate about the living of life (the work, the responsibility, the sex, and the fun, all of it!) as one flesh....This is why I've suffered so much (self inflicted)....And this is why most non's seem to suffer (from what I read here)....We try to force normal communication about all relational responsibilities, into a closed mind (a stone wall) of defensiveness, and denial.....And all that Non-Acceptance does is trip the switch for anger, fight or flight or stone walling....Nothing Normal LOL.....We have to move past it....And have a life! :)
We feel guilty about accepting the hopelessness of our reality as one.....So we (I) keep pressing them w/ normal words, requesting ownership where none is coming for many of us....I've worked hard the past month trying to just be kind...But not pursue her...Let the one sided marriage relationship die on out...She has shocked me a little....She asked me what I thought about something recently, and she has instigated sex three times in the past week...That's definitely shocking....It's not happened since the first year of our marriage, if at all....
That's the thing about add on her level of distraction....Much of her seemly unconcern is just a mind overwhelmed w/ distraction and hyper focus....And her bad habits of giving into it, and excusing it....Really makes it impossible for her to have a relationship....She has no mind to consider it....Unless it plays into what she is hyper focused on.....If you happen to get what I am attempting to say....
Blessings
c
I've been wondering about
Submitted by Katmar on
I've been wondering about that - about where the ADHD begins and ends - and whether sometimes I blame the ADHD when, actually, maybe it's just convenient to blame it, because there are some things about being married to him that I'm really unhappy with, but I don't want to face them so I think "oh, it's his ADHD, that's alright then" but actually no, it's not alright.
Wondering
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Depending on what the behavior is, whether it is ADHD or not....it isn't OK.
His 15 year old daughter (my
Submitted by Katmar on
His 15 year old daughter (my step-daughter) lives with us. He's basically opted out of anything to do with any boundaries or expectations because he says he can't cope with the stress. He plays "good cop, bad cop" all the time. He ignores her and lets her do anything, she fiddles with her phone for 14 hours a day and that's ok with him because it relieves him of the need to communicate with her. I'm the evil step-mother then because I try to set some limits and boundaries in her life. In my opinion teenage girls need some guidance and boundaries. I often feel like leaving them to it and going and living a nice stress-free life somewhere on my own ... ah... peace... how nice that would be.
Daughter..
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
That must be stressful for you. I have a 16 year old daughter and a 22 year old son. I agree, all teenagers need guidance and boundaries. In fact, my daughter complained a few years ago that her Father and I were too lenient, and that she and her brother needed stricter consequences for their actions. : )
That was very mature of her.
Submitted by Katmar on
That was very mature of her. It makes things far more tricky being a step-parent. I'm my husband's 3rd wife, so I have 2 step-children from his first marriage (now both grown up) and one step-daughter from his 2nd marriage. I wonder how much the ADHD contributed to his 2 divorces. Of course, when we met I only had his version of events, where he was the victim in both marriage break-ups. His ADHD was undiagnosed during his first 2 marriages, but I do wonder if I had the opportunity to speak to either of his other wives, what their reaction would be to the diagnosis. I wonder if they would both have an 'Ah-ha' moment, as I did when it was first suggested to us that his 'issues' were actually ADHD.
Aha!
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My fiancee was married twice. When we get married, I will be his third wife. ( YIKES! If I think about it that way. )
I'm sure there were issues that arose in both of his previous marriages as a result of his ADHD. That said, his last wife was a real piece of work from what I've heard. After he left her, his ex tried to run his then teenage daughter over with her car, as she was walking home from her job at a grocery store...just to hurt him. His Ex wife is bi polar and did not take meds. She was controlling , verbally and physically abusive to him, which is the main reason they divorced. The first wife? No idea what happened there, but I know he was 26 when he married her. His family wasn't present at either marriage ceremony and did not approve of either of these women. Considering he was quite the "wild man" in his youth, I'm amazed he made it to 50, with the stories I've been told. Now that he has calmed down, he's ready for me....LOL.
Parallel lives
Submitted by Katmar on
Your husband's life story is so similar to mine. With my husband, the second wife was an alcoholic who left when my step-daughter was very young. I do wonder though what difficulties were caused or worsened in both his previous marriages as a result of the ADHD. Do you think ADHD gets worse or better with age? Mine is also in his 50s now, I think his ADHD is getting worse.
My husband's ADD
Submitted by daizzebelle on
symptoms have been getting worse as he has gotten older (it seems to me anyway) He is 55 now. It didn't seem as bad when he was in his 40s.