It finally ended and he finally decided to stop contacting me after 4 years of stalking me and pretending we never broke up in the first place. But the way I ended things to get rid of him I have to say I feel very guilty and ashamed of. I never wanted to hurt him. Me and my adhd ex were together for 6 years and my world revolved around him. Although it was constant fights and breaking up every other week he never wanted to let go.. he would create tons of new numbers and emails just to stay in touch.
well this past month I met a man that I convinced myself I was in love with. Obviously I was not and was just imagining a different future. So I told my adhd ex to please leave me alone because I was interested in someone else. I felt like both of our worlds collapsed. After so many years of friendship we never wanted it to end this way. I'm extremely heartbroken and feel horrible for what I did to him. He has stopped contacting me now.
Nothing happened with the new guy he obviously was not even interested in me because I had idealized it all. I think I did it all on purpose to end my relationship with my adhd ex but boy does it hurt,
Why do these things lead to such drastic measures. For years I tried to break up the right way and he would not. Now I went to do something stupid and hurt him more than I ever wanted. I felt I was his protector for the longest. Only time can heal us now. The shame of not being the bigger person this time kills me, there's no excuse for my actions. Has anyone here had guilt like this before? Where you felt like you were the one who was supposed to have self control but failed.
Therapy will help you
Submitted by adhd32 on
Your vision is clouded right now. You were his caretaker and likely codependent for 6 years because your life revolved around him. Your new friend opened your eyes to what a more balanced adult relationship could look like.. A therapist will help you sort out the reasons you were unable to make a clean break and call it quits but allowed him to linger in the background for 4 years. You are entitled to a life of your own where you are not protecting and enabling another adult.
Thank you
Submitted by Peacefull111 on
Yes before we stopped talking he said I'm sorry I became emotionally codependent on you. Yes I wanted a normal breakup but this was far from it and he did want to just linger in the background which was not letting me move forward and grieve even. It is hard to no longer be in each others lives but I am starting therapy and a class on codependency soon. I pray and hope I never go backwards again out of pity for him. Thank you for your comment and maturity .. it really helped.
I agree with ADHD 32
Submitted by sickandtired on
You are still under the delusion that his emotional responses are your responsibility. You should count yourself lucky that he has finally stopped stalking you and repeatedly not respecting your decision to end it with him. My ex BF did the same thing your guy did: making up multiple online identities, stolen from my friends in real life, to lurk on my fb page. He would borrow other people's phones to call me so he could get past me blocking him.
If your ex quit after you told him you have a new love interest, you are indeed lucky. I hope he keeps his promise and never contacts you again. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not lie to him, you had a genuine interest in another man. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
My ex has continued to harrass and stalk me for years, even when he knew I had MARRIED someone else. Just a few weeks ago, he sent me a romantic song video, and was angry, (blaming me, implying I had anger issues) because I once again, rejected him. As "punishment" for my "bad attitude", he said he was going to have a big bonfire and destroy all of my childhood and family photo albums he had stolen from me. It's amazing that he thinks he can steal my car, wreck my house, stalk me with threatening emails for over NINE YEARS, but then expect me to be happy to get a romantic song video from him, like none of his abuse ever happened. I tried to break up with him "the right way" too. He would not get the message, and said I should be with him whether I liked it or not, so please don't fall into a guilt trip about your ex, because he never respected your decision to leave in the first place. Seek counseling, and focus on untangling your co-dependent issues from him.
Thank you
Submitted by Peacefull111 on
Thank you so much for your comment it really helped me understand that he may not stop there and may want to continue trying to contact me, definitely something to be aware about. Just tonight he tried again. Yes!! My ex also took my childhood photos without asking. And my favorite clothing.. if he continues I'm just going to have to stick to my guns and ignore ignore ignore and continue my own healing process.
I’m so sorry you are going through this
Submitted by sickandtired on
My ex literally dangled my precious photo albums and irreplaceable keepsakes in my face, like holding them for ransom, saying he thought I might offer him money "to survive on" if he returned them. I have no photos of my grandparents, and the only photos I have from my past are the ones I framed or sent to friends by email.
It seems like he has no sense of pride in supporting himself, but instead acts like a helpless child whose life totally depends on my "evil whims" he says. He always played the victim, and made me the bad guy, all the while he was actually dominating and bullying me. I was never married to him. He proposed several times, saying he needed my financial security, but I always said no. I tried to break up with him several times, even moving house just to separate myself from him, but he never respected my wishes to be free. He would even fake illnesses in our dogs to get to see me again. He secretly slept in the basement of my vacation house on dog beds rather than go out and get a job. I sincerely hope your guy does not go as low as mine did.
And please don’t take him back out of pity
Submitted by sickandtired on
I did that twice, and regretted it both times. After each time, he would quickly go back to the moody, paranoid, angry person who constantly complained and put me down.
I protected (enabled) my guy just like you have done. I made the mistake of taking on his problems, but no matter what I did to try to make him happy... Concerts, trips, etc would inevitably be full of unnecessary stress and arguing from him, while at the same time he would never make a decision. He would change his mind and blame me if I didn't instantly understand and comply. That's why I fear your guy will come back. He's obviously dependent and obsessed with you if he's making up multiple numbers etc to bypass your attempts at blocking him. Please be careful. Sending you a hug.
Guilt?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Dear Peaceful, I can't see any reason for guilt here. You broke the emotional bond - which needed breaking - by stating a new love, after 4 years apart!?
You didn't cheat, you didn't slander, you didn't betray. You didn't even destroy trust, because you and you ex partner didn't have a relationship anymore. Nothing you did is wrong.
Im sorry you're upset at his pain, of course it's awful, and perhaps you miss his presence? But you shouldn't blame yourself. This is just life happening. It sounds completely healthy to me.
You shouldn`t feel guilty at
Submitted by saudade on
You shouldn`t feel guilty at all, you should be proud, that you managed to come out of the situation. Women like you are my hope. I hope to find that strengh like you did....
With my ex partner I also didn´t have a real breakup, like that "classical" closure ( and I would need that so much!). We went appart after a rage meltdown. I feel like living in a limbo and I hope one day I can speak with him to have an adult, mature conversation, honest and open and go out of this limbo.
I´m happy you found strenght!
our feelings, their feelings
Submitted by Morgenmuffle on
Hey Peaceful,
I don't know if you are asking for advice or just venting.
I understand your feeling hurt because you feel you caused hurt. You did say you've been trying to break it off for years. You also said he did a lot of stalking ("he would create tons of new numbers and emails just to stay in touch"). This is unhealthy. You sound programmed to take responsibility for his feelings.
I've been in therapy for several years now and I am finally learning that I am not responsible for other people's emotions. My therapist says "You are not all powerful, you cannot control other people's feelings" She says that when I fuss about someone else's reactions to something I say or do. I (YOU) are allowed to have your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, mistakes, lessons learned... apart from other people. They are responsible for their own.
There is a word - enmeshed - you might want to research a bit.
Your feelings are important. Your independence is important. You can be independent and still care for someone. You can care for someone and cut contact too.
I thank you so much for your comment
Submitted by Peacefull111 on
OMG I just looked up enmeshment and this is exactly what it is and how I feel, thank you so much for your comment. Yes somehow because of his adhd I have felt responsible for him and his emotions and making sure he was ok. All while losing myself and not taking very good care of me. Now that we are apart I feel like a can focus on my life again and truly find myself and my self worth. Not being responsible for him or his problems is definitely different for me but I know it's for the best and what is healthiest.