Submitted by inSearchForHope on 11/22/2019.
Non Wife of an ADHD husband. HSP. Me.
I haven't expressed anger to my husband for many years. I realized I turned it " in" and it ruined me. I was desperately trying to not let resentment grow, tried to maintain emotional connection. I stopped nagging many year ago, then I had to stop requesting too as that was treated by him same. No criticism of him whatsoever. No imput on what he's talking about as it was irritating him. Actually looks like listening to me for more than a couple of sentences if annoying for him even if I'm plain agreed with him. Do I grew silent. And now am ready to fall apart into dust. I bit prematurely but I'm there
Good morning insearchforhope:) From one HSP to another...
Submitted by c ur self on
I would like to comment on your awesome (wisdom) life management skills....The hardest thing for many of us (definitely me in the early years, and now just an occasional back slide) to do, is to adjust our thinking, feelings and behaviors to live as peacefully as possible with our add/adhd spouses...You have been wise enough to live in a; Not Normal for you state, but, the demanded Normal for peace sake. (as less conflict as possible)
My goal has been **acceptance of reality** for both of us, the past 6 years, because after the first 5 years of trying to demand my normal, and experiencing all manner of conflict, anger and bitterness, i had to wake up to what was possible....Her mind can't and want work like mine, she will never manage life, as I do..It will always be tunnel visioned, and hyper focused....***I will only exist in her mind, in certain moments, and many of those moments will only be for what benefit I can bring to her thoughts about her life***
Only when I accepted that (truly accepted it) was I able to see the need to care for myself, and have a good life, no matter what she does, or doesn't do.....For me that meant healing from my anger and bitterness, learning to view her as the self absorbed happy child like adult she is....(That our adult children and her closest friends successfully view her as)....It really only came down to three choices for me....Divorce...Some kind of life long Separation....Or Boundaries that forces me to accept her, (never try to think for her, or judge her, and never listen to her, if she isn't being kind and respectful to me) and forces accountability on her to be an responsible adult,, or suffer the consequences alone....
The hardest thing I have ever done in this life is to adjust my thinking, feelings, and behaviors in order to have as peaceful as possible (understanding) of a life, w/ her as my wife....What does a life of boundaries look like? 1) I rarely get in her car because she plays w/ her phone while she drives, she is high distracted, she runs late, and their isn't any where for me to set most of the time (extremely messy) 2) I do not share finance's w/ her, we have different convictions on money management, etc, etc...3) I do not do taxes w/ her, we have different convictions on how that should be done, and I like to get it done and out of the way at least a month before dead line, and she's a last day girl much of the time 4) She hates the mundane, and isn't much of a house cleaner, or cook, so I retired at age 56 (I had been on the job 38 years, and my retirement was made) to lighten my work load...In this area, I do what I do cheerfully and happily w/ no chip on my shoulder, just like she doesn't exist....I attempt to never pick up behind her, (mother or enable) and if guilt or shame is forcing her to work because family or company is coming, I will do an agreed upon amount, and then most of the time I will just get out of the house to get away from her pressing me to help her, with what she forces me to live in, when it's just the two of us....I've learned that wisdom and tough love creates accountability in add/adhd people who are good people... (have a good heart)....4) As and HSP, it's very difficult to not be effected by outbursts, pouting, control or manipulation attempts...It's a daily work in progress! :), but, it's creating growth in her, me, and the relationship when I walk way from that kind of behavior, w/o a word.....
I have no power w/ in my carnal self to be this contented and happy man...But, the Spirit of God in Christ, gives me strength, he gives me the power to Live....The power to Love....And a sound mind.....
You do many things very well (avoiding conflict)....But maybe you have forgot how to live and care for yourself?....That can easily happen when we over focus on another person's life....It controls us!...We loose site of who we are, what's important to us....And most of all who God created us to be....***LOVED***
There is hope!....I pray you will exchange the dust for abundant life!....And that you might look past what you have no ability to change, and realize the beauty of your true self....And just Breathe!
I hope this holiday season finds you experiencing great joy! my fellow HSP....
I am on my second box of kleenex watching Hallmark Christmas movies...My wife laughs at me:)....She doesn't understand how easily anyone's tears could flow....Most non HSP's don't....Plus, in 12 years, it's rare that I've ever witnessed a tear on her face. (unless anger produced).....
c
Thank you so much for support
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
Yes, most of those adjustments I made before I found out about adhd effect on marriage and relationships. All 12 years HE blamed ME for Everything that ever went wrong in our marriage, he claimed I'm not trying hard enough and inventing problems and grievances. Therefore he concluded the problem is me.
yes I was blind . But now I see. I found out and everything, every problem, symptom, dynamic fell in place. It is ADHD effect . He's of course denying it outright even though he does not know much as he refused to read about it and does not believe me ( never did).
and now I'm torn honestly. I see my marriage vows very seriously and do everything to not grow apart and be who I promised I'd be for him. I NEED to be true to myself in it. BUT the voice inside me keeps whispering RUN before it's too late:( I'm in my mid thirties and there's still possibly long life ahead .
so I'm at grieving stage, not here, not somewhere else, trying to do all I can for kids and not engaging with anyone or anything else to save energy and hopefully heal.
yes, you are right, by now I forgot how to love / care for myself. Hopefully that will come too.
Thank you for your heartfelt letter and God bless us all
Being torn....It's the story of our life.....
Submitted by c ur self on
There is just limited things we can do to make our situations more tolerable, as long as our spouses want own their behaviors...Denial and blame are death nails....I've done, or put into place, everything I have control over, in order to help our situation...Or at least in the best of my ability.....
I was able to separate from her for 12 months (after 4 years w/ her) in order to get my emotions and mental state under control. (find my peace again)...That was priceless, it took me six months of the 12 to find my peace, and accept the reality of what I did wrong, facing the expectations I had for her to live w/ normal abilities....I want list them, you know them, there are hundreds in all parts of life.....So the last 6 months of the separation was forming boundaries that she and I had to respect for us to ever have a chance for us to coexist as man and wife....
I had to get away from what others (on looker or family) saw or thought....People who can work together, who can communicate, who are honest, who aren't in denial of there lives, will NEVER understand what it takes to live peacefully w/ high level add people, who live to blame and deny their behaviors....So I understand everything that is running around in your mind....
Do what ever it takes....(boundaries)....When you can't trust a spouse (in many area's of life) you must make boundaries to protect you both from thinking you can....I love my wife...But, I can never trust her in many area's of life...It's not in all cases because she isn't the type human being whom you would not trust....It's because she doesn't have the ability of mind, that would allow me to put trust in her....So in order to protect her feelings, and to protect my life, I have to live like she doesn't exist in many instances, or disappointment upon disappointment just floods me and the marriage relationship....I had to form boundaries...IF our whole life is like a business appointment, that's fine, as long as we are kind to one another....Boundaries are the only thing that will produce accountability in life when you are living as one flesh....And the user/ intruder will always dislike the boundaries.....In my experience, the rest is an illusion, and a dysfunctional and chaotic dream....We must avoid expectations that can never be reality....
c
Loneliness gets compounded by well meaning outsiders
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'People who can work together, who can communicate, who are honest, who aren't in denial of there lives, will NEVER understand what it takes to live peacefully w/ high level add people...' 'C' very well said. This reflection from 'society' makes the non-ADHD loneliness even deeper and more exasperating. Often, the well-meant 'logical' suggestions you receive, reenforce how things 'should' work but most certainly don't in the ADHD-support world.