I have been with my ADHD husband for almost 8 years and married 8 months. I love him but not as much as years ago. I have always been an organised calm happy go lucky person although I am quite a controlling person but not any more. I am taking anti depressants and having counselling I feel angry frustrated sad and tired.
my husband refuses to talk about his adhd and to seek any kind of help or counselling. We argue a lot of the time we do not have an intimate relationship and he works ridiculous hours he gets up very early and has so much energy by the time he gets home he is burnt out and wants to go to bed. He knows I am unhappy but doesn't understand why even though I have told him a hundred times. I could go on and on about his behaviour but I am sure you all know what goes on with an adhd adult. I don't know where to turn next
I need help
Submitted by Kathleen247 on 05/22/2022.
This post
Submitted by Dagmar on
This post, written by Melissa is what brought a lot of us to this site in the first place. I sent it to my husband right after I read it and it got him to start taking things seriously. I think before reading it, he thought I was a workaholic control freak who blamed him for all my shortcomings. What he didn't realize was that I wasn't a workaholic, I was trying to get ahead of the constant debt he was putting us into, I wasn't a control freak, he just didn't remember the hours of discussions and planning I thought we were doing together, and couldn't understand why I was frustrated when he did something different, and I wasn't blaming him for not motivating me on a project, I was asking him to stop putting obstacles in my way for everything.
My husband read it, cried, and started trying to do better. My friend sent it to her ADHD husband and the same thing happened. Try it and see.
https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/men-adhd-who-arent-convinced-it-mat...
Hi Kathleen
Submitted by c ur self on
When you step back and look at your circumstances...You see two adults with different realities, different desires in life...He can't force satisfaction, happiness, and contentment on you....Nor can you force it on him, your desires for more unity, energy, and sharing as a married couple, isn't shared by him....He is living his desires for his life...You are not....
I really can't comprehend the lack of intimacy, (time together) no matter how tired I am...I hope you find a place of acceptance and peace for yourself...It's nothing fair about what you are enduring, but, this is exactly what happen's in many of our marriages when we marry someone who isn't willing to make the marriage a priority over their own desires, and comforts....
Many of us are married to people who just aren't capable, or who just refuse, to do the relationship work it takes to be thoughtful of a our spouse day to day....Many adhd men come to this site full of panic, because after their wives have endured the loneliness over long periods, they finally decide to leave....It's really sad to see someone so uncaring they only decide they care enough to go to work on themselves, when they realize their spouse is out the door....
Just remember we can't change anyone but ourselves, so, take care of you, no matter what he does with his life....I have read testimony's on this site for years where people have been stuck where you are for 30 or 40 years...Just lonely and unappreciated...
We can force accountability with boundaries and non-participation...It's hard for a committed married person to turn their attention on themselves for their happiness...But with my add wife, I realized after years of thinking she would, or could, change from her childish self absorbed living of life, that I was responsible for my own contentment, my own happiness, and my own peace of mind....When I finally got my eye's off of her, and on Jesus, he broke my chains of mental self persecution (her selfish living of life, dominating my thoughts all day). I was able to come to peace w/ myself, I was able to start enjoying my life again....Trips (beach, mountains, etc.) alone aren't what I would choose, but, I have learned contentment alone (well I take my bike;)...It also has caused her to become much more self aware....(Why is he so happy without me??)
I wish you much peace....I will pray for you!
c
Hi
Submitted by Kathleen247 on
Thank you for your comments. After joining this site I bought a book called The effect of adhd on marriage by Melissa or orlov. We had a big bust up last weekend I had a total meltdown. I think it scared my husband. He actually agreed to read the book with me so every night we read it for 30 minutes. His whole attitude has changed it's like the Penny has finally dropped and he has realised what effect his adhd has had on me over the years. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel somewhat apprehensive because I'm not sure if it's a short term
thing or if it's going to change our lives. Fingers crossed.
Kathleen; you have an opportunity
Submitted by c ur self on
You are in a position to not be impacted emotionally, if you can SEE him has he has been the past 8 years....Hope doesn't mean we should live and die mentally and emotionally (forfeit our lives, based on another's behaviors) based on our spouses desire for change, or the lack of it....It's a blessing (good sign) about the interest, or at least the willingness, to spend time reading the book with you...But in my experience's you, I, all who deal with the behaviors we do, and have dealt with...We can't afford to be all in for change at a level that surpasses past reality....I have to forfeit expectations for lasting change, and stick with acceptance of what is, and has actually been lived out....This allows you (us) a peaceful life, (sanity) and you will stay in control of your emotions and thoughts, no matter what transpires with him....
I love my wife, but, I've learned I should never attempt to think for her. Or think I know her feelings about any particular...As enthusiastic spouse's who desire healthy attachments, we must discipline our selves (our minds) to current reality, instead of change that we alone or probably SEEING, and wishing for...We can go places in our minds that just isn't healthy...So our let down's just become self inflicted....Between your honest communication, and Melissa's book, you have and or, giving him a snapshot of your past reality...Now just be at peace, and he will show you over the days and weeks to come how much his behaviors matter to him....
c