We've been married almost 20 years. In the past year, I was "formally" diagnosed with ADHD, although I have been indirectly treating it for 6-7 years (with therapy, meditation, exercise, etc.... I knew those were good things, but they seemed to really really help me). I was diagnosed with ADHD because of how my symptoms presented, but when I did the neuropsych evaluation, I was told my executive functioning and attention skills were average to above average. My cognitive skills were top 1-2%, though... and it was surmised that the discrepancy between the two likely led to a lot of the same emotional feelings common to ADHD (not living up to potential, etc.).
I start with that just to point out that I don't think my ADHD is typical in how it presents (anymore). I've always been a hard worker. Always done well at my jobs. Got promoted and promoted and promoted. It took me until I was 25-28 to get a handle on things. And I feel like I owe a lot of that to my wife. Everyone told me what a good influence she was on me. And she was! I wanted to please her and do right by her. We met when I was 24 (she was 22), and she was oh so patient with me.
Things started going downhill when we had kids. Part of this might've been me and the ADHD but I think part of it was her own background. (Broken home, hints of abuse, but I could never get a full story.) We have three wonderful kids, but over the years, she got more and more frustrated with me, when I thought things were moving in a positive direction.
We're a single-income family. By chance. (I started working two jobs during the great recession, and she couldn't find work, so it made sense for her to stay home with the kids... and then we wound up homeschooling by chance because our oldest missed the cutoff date for kindergarten by two weeks and we didn't want to pay for another year of pre-school... then moved to a district where public school wasn't an option). I point this out just to say I think there's some resentment in there about roles/responsibilities and patriarchical gender roles that she dislikes. But I thought we were doing it this way as a choice, not because women are supposed to do X and men do Y.
It took time, but over the years, I started doing more and more around the house. Even after I started making enough money to send the kids to private school 4 years ago. At this point, I'd say housework is 50/50 even though I'm the only one working! (We listed it out, and in fact, I'm doing more than she is, although she would say that there's invisible mental labor that's not captured... but she also refuses to say what it is.)
Long story short... and this is where it gets rough... this has been a year from hell. We had been seeing counseling. She wanted to stop. I switched jobs to take a riskier opportunity that promised more career growth, and it didn't work out. Calculated risk (that we both agreed to) but I was laid off in June. Haven't been able to find anything other than a bit of freelance consulting here and there. It's been really stressful.
Our fighting has gotten worse. We are both understandably stressed. She says she feels "harassed" by me. I feel like I can't show any frustration. And I know with the ADHD - even when treated - I can be a little... not all over the place... but I have lots of thoughts. And given her background, she's very sensitive to any kind of stress. If I so much as so frustration, she says I'm being emotionally abusive. She's spent the past months calling me a monster, an abuser, controlling, a narcissist, and she has been lashing out at me in odd ways. I don't think I am any of those things! Although I do understand that you can feel abused without someone being actually abusive. Anyway... as the stress has been building, she has now hit me on two occasions. She said because I was "harassing" her. I was telling her - via text - that I was really frustrated with how she treats me and I'm at the end of my rope. She came downstairs and just started yelling at me to shut the f up and started punching me in the arms and back.
I know this is really stressful. I know hitting is waaaaay over the line. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave. I don't want to stay in an abusive relationship. I don't want to stay in a relationship where she thinks I'm an abuser. I'm at a loss. We're still seeing a counselor. But I'm in a hotel right now because I don't want to be near her and she's giving me grief about "abandoning" her with the kids. I told her I'd do whatever needs doing kids- and family-wise, but I can't be around her. I'm at a total loss.
Part of me is just saying to hold on until I find a job and the baseline stress should be much much lower at that point. Right now it feels like there's not any room for rational conversation.
Long post. Lots of words. And probably only 2% of the total context. Feels good to type it out, though.
I'm sorry you're in this very
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm sorry you're in this very difficult situation.
I think it's appropriate that you left your home after your wife hit you. Have you told her that's why you left? It's important she know that physical violence is unacceptable.
Thank you. And yes, she
Submitted by adhd_dad on
Thank you. And yes, she knows that's why I'm not in the house. She's not taking accountability for it, though. Says she would do it again and that it was "self-defense." I don't see how that holds water, but knowing her the way I do, I do take it at face value that that is how she feels. (In other words, I don't think she's just using it as an excuse. I'm sure that, to her, it really did feel like fighting for her life... that doesn't make it okay. To me, it just means she needs to get to the root of why she feels this way.
And this is part of it, too. She is seeing a therapist, but - as far as i know - what they talk about is how I abuse her and not about her history. And from what it seems like, her therapist is just taking her word for it and validating her... and having her read all these books about how to handle abusive men. Which means she's going further down the rabbit hole and further convinced that I believe things that are not me at all. e.g. I don't think I'm sexist in thoughts or actions. At all. I'm pretty sure no one would else say that about me. But because of our situation, she's able to talk herself into believing it. Even though we probably would've been better off if she worked and I stayed home with the kids. (She's such a perfectionist with the kids. In a great way. But it causes her stress.)
But, to me, it's her upbringing that has her feeling like behavior that is in the normal range of emotions (showing frustration, getting annoyed or angry at times, etc.) feels like life or death to her. If it's anything but the sweetest tone of voice (to the point where it feels cloyingly sweet ot me), it gets interpreted negatively to her.
Sigh.
I went home for a bit this afternoon and evening to see the kids and the dog and have some dinner. She was out running some errands for most of it. I'm now back in the hotel, feeling lost and lonely. Double sigh.
Hitting is never okay
Submitted by Peacefull111 on
It sounds like you guys have fallen into toxic relationship territory and both need some space. I know it's hard and heart breaking but being hit is never okay for you or for her. I would say you take some space without forcing things and then have a conversation about what's happened. You both deserve to feel safe, and just because she's frustrated does not make hitting ok.
Thanks. I'm back at home now
Submitted by adhd_dad on
Thanks. I'm back at home now. I've made a few decisions.
1. I'm 100% committed to the marriage. I'm not going to stop working on myself and on the relationship. If it's going to end, it's going to end because she tells me she's done. I won't be the one to give up on it. I can't.
2. I know hitting is wrong. But I also feel like that's truly truly not her (I've never seen this kind of behavior from her before and this is by far the most stressed we've ever been on a number of fronts... perfect storm of things going wrong). That does NOT make it okay. I'm just trying to put it in context.
3. There are definitely things I can work on. And that's where I'm starting. I've been lax on my medication and meditation, and I started drinking more (and started smoking again!) to cope post-layoff. Those are all bad bad habits that need to go away. So I'm back on my bike and weights program, off the sauce, and no more nicotine. Going to bed at 10pm (instead of staying up with beer and cigarettes) made it easier to get up at 5am and meditate and exercise.
4. I will focus on that for one month and see what kind of impact that has on how I feel (not necessarily on how she treats me).
Of course, it won't be smooth sailing and already isn't. I told her the above yesterday. She told me she understands the words I said, but has nothing to say to me. She has set boundaries and said that we talk about logistics and parenting/kids stuff. Nothing else. Nothing subjective. Nothing "conversational." Which feels unreasonable or impossible. And it's also a one-way street, apparently, because she feels free to text me at 4am to tell me all of this.
And then told me she won't start to work on repairing the relationship until she has an "insurance policy" of a condo of her choice in her name. Given that this single-income family is currently unemployed (and given that she's not talking about finding a job), this also seems unreasonable. Argh!
I just read a quote in the book that said, "As frustration and anger build, non-ADHD spouses can start making less empathetic decisions, sometimes abdicating responsibility for helping a spouse in practical and easy ways while trying to push him in harder areas so he can "prove" his love. This serves the dual purpose of punishing him further and proving herself correct."
And that is exactly what this feels like. It's setting off all kinds of alarm bells in my head that she's not acting in good faith. But I don't think I have a choice at this point.
Call her on the finances...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It may be that your wife is getting the sort of advice she would get from an individual counselor to whom she is talking about emotional abuse (or physical, if she's suggesting that). "Put down rules; don't encourage engagement; make the partner revise his/her act."
One of the reasons I never work with individuals is that it is almost impossible to get both sides of a relationship story from one person. Folks often go to therapy to vent and feel safe. Sometimes, however, that means glossing over their own input (like hitting a partner) to toxic interactions.
Some suggestions for you:
This forum is a great place to also get support. Understand, though, that it is public.
Best to you
Log and scale 1-10 for mood, emotions, stress level, etc.
Submitted by T00T00 on
I have heard that post-partum can appear years later.
Also peri- or pre-menopausal symptoms appear (age-bearing women) with mood swing as a symptom.
I suggest Female Comprehensive Hormone Panel (spit test for 1 whole menstrual cycle). It might give you an idea if it has to do with progestin/estrogen.
Nutritionist, holistic psychiatrist, and gynecologist might help on her underlying conditions that can influence her mood (i.e. anger, irritability, etc.).
Controlling mood is hard when the person cannot control it. Logging data for mood, emotions, stress level, triggers (i.e. childhood trauma, marriage trauma, work trauma, etc.), non-trigger (i.e. random uncontrollable crying), etc. are important to doctors to come up with a working treatment plan.
Sorry. I don't know how much she will listen to you.
It’s a tough spot
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's hard and painful. My story is similar and while my wife and I are in counseling it's not a magic bullet.
What I did was find a therapist who listened and helped me find the roots of why I engaged with my wife the way I did. I'm learning that quite a bit of our struggles are due to some childhood issues I never faced and instead of treating or hearing her as her own person I heard my dad. So I'm working on that. I also chose to work on my core ADHD symptoms.
It's tough and scary. She has told me she regrets marrying me and that she never would have married me if she knew I as ADHD and bi-polar. I can't change my brain. I'm trying to accept my brain and not hate myself or believe I'm stupid, lazy, immature, etc.
My point: what worked for me was to work on myself and own all my stuff. If she accused me of X I would write it down and ask a elder in my church if he saw this in me and if so would he help me change it.
I have a small business and it's slow. Money is waaay tight which increases stress. I try to see this from her point of view and her trauma from childhood which was pretty bad. I want her to see me and not the other guys but, welll shit, I've not done that for her. So I need to see her not my dad, the girls who made fun of me, etc.
I've been open with my daughters about my mental issues. I've told them I want to hear how I affected them unmedicated and they agreed to do so. We set ground rules of no yelling, name calling, and no defensiveness, blame shifting, or minimalizing. It was tough but 6-8 months later I'm having good open conversations and am able to hear them when they remind me I'm being grumpy or short or whatever. That really helped them both deal with all the stress and tension. They are 14 and 20. The oldest moved out to chase a dream in July. I'd suggest that you Be as open and honest with your kids as age appropriate. Don't put rocks in their ruck. My you youngest will now say, "Dad, you seem manic? Did you take your meds?"
I think it's good to see things from your wife's point of view but hitting is never ok. There is a reason she did that maybe partly you now, maybe partly your past behavior, maybe current stress, maybe her own trauma. I hope as time goes by those roots can be exposed and healed.
Good on you for not drinking and smoking! I drink very seldom now and that change has really helped us.
I don't think I was a demon unmedicated but I didn't know how much my bi-polar and ADHD affected my wife. It was incredibly difficult and painful for her and she felt unseen and unheard and honestly she was. I'm sure you've done this but take awhile to think about how you affected her. It's no excuse for hitting but it may help you see through her eyes.
We are working on talking about non-logistical things but it's slow and painful. Our counselor and my therapist insist that it's worth it. I'm trusting them.
There is hope for change. It's hard but not impossible.
All the best to you!