. This is so hard to deal with. I'm getting to the point where I don't know what to do. I myself have anxiety and being quiet helps a lot. But when my husband is home he just talks nonstop. I've told him in a very clear conversation that his constant talking makes me very anxious. I deal with my anxiety for the most part. He tells me he will be quiet but that lasts 5 minutes. I can't even have a conversation with him he just talks jibberish. I feel my nerves unravelling when I'm around him. I don't want to leave him but if he won't listen to me I don't know what I can do. I ask him nicely the first 3 times to be quiet after the 3 Rd time it just escalates into an argument. I tell him I can't handle it and he should stay at his moms. I used to love when he came home from work so I could spend time with him. Now I'm afraid his talking going to ruin our evening. I know it's not all his fault but I feel he should take some responsibility. Any advice would help. I don't know where to go from here.
I need some advice please.
Submitted by Lmgolebiewski on 11/09/2017.
Hi LM
Submitted by triedandtrue on
Talkativeness, which is a form of hyperactivity in ADHD, can be reduced through medication and CBT. Stimulant drugs and sometimes the alpha agonists can help.
Has your husband been diagnosed? Whether he has or not, you can write a note to his doctor about his symptoms. Melissa and other ADHD specialists have written about medications. Print out a couple of these articles and give them to your husband's doctor. You may have to adjust meds for awhile until the right mix is achieved. Line your husband up with a coach or therapist who is skilled in CBT for ADHD folks.
Some ADHD researchers believe that the self-talk (baby talk) that people generally outgrow by age 5 is only partially outgrown in ADHD individuals. The thinking is that this contributes to such talkativeness. But treatment should help.
Good luck.
Lmgolebiewski, talk talk, talk.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Boy, can I relate to this. My ADHD husband can talk non stop, and has a hard time listening when I want or need to talk. He is also constantly moving and/or making NOISE of some sort. Even in bed, he cant just lay STILL, its non stop movement, but BIG movementsthat shake the whole bed. (Awkward, clumsy, unaware if how childish and childlike most of his behavior is) Its frustrating to say the least, because it stays the same year after year.
The talking has driven away people at different times, when he's in social situations. He is often so much "into" his own thinking and brain, he doesnt pay attention to what's happening around him, or reactions of people he's talking to.
Yes, the chattering and nonstop talk gets overwhelming, and they arent listening to whats being said TO them. Its especially hard in marriage, when a wife NEEDS to connect with her husband. (Or vice versa)
Also, the way he interprets things can be totally different than what was said. This has been frustrating also, as well as the simplictic way I've had to word things when it comes to emotional issues between us. He also changes his memory of things to fit a different narrative, which has been chaotic. "Chaotic" .......the word that can describe life with an ADHD person who is in denial of their condition, and won't deal with their symptoms. We spouses can learn as much as we can, but if the person WITH ADHD won't accept that their symptoms can create enormous havoc in the marriage, its almost impossible to have a close and honest "connection".
My husband's family were ALL bipolar or ADHD or something.(found out later) so as dysfunctional as it was, it was THEIR " normal". But, the rest of the world didn't live like that, and they all found it extremely hard to "fit in" with society and in relationships. They ALL talked jibberish, and what I used to call "jabber talk". It was fast, machine gun like, repetitive, and angry, as well as being simplistic, and frustrating. Hard to understand, but somehow they understood each other, but didn't tolerate each other very well. I found it extremely frustrating, because none of them were able to " listen" to someone talking TO them, and they would talk OVER each other or me or whoever. Frustrating.
(Googly eyes) All very
Submitted by Chevron on
(Googly eyes) All very familiar, minus the bipolar relatives, Dede. I've never figured out why the chattering increases or wanes, except that it's affected by stress. High stress = more physical and verbal. I don't think that my husband makes the same observations of what is going on inside him vs on the outside that I do about myself...which means that verbalizing may be flooding inside him as well as outside, probably is.
Things like exercise, my husband's stress lowering, good sleep and taking meds do affect the amount of the acting and talking out, but never stop it. As I understand what I'm living with, the hypertalking and movement are part of the man I love, so I was never going to make him stop any of it, nor could he erase his need to be kinetic...its in his wiring Relief was going to come from me taking action on my own behalf.
The thrashing around and rocking the bed and chattering after lights out was NOT WORKING for me. I've never had a glimmer why he gets an energy and talky boost at exactly then. Why exactly then wind himself up about the problems of the world, and chatterbox them right in my ear?. On that one, I tell him to stop talking and go to sleep, that we can work on the problems the next day. In earlier years, he also would sometimes start winding things up, to have an argument with me,right when we had gone to bed, and I have told him and held the line on it that I wasnt getting into an argument with him at bedtime ...as far as I can tell, he was riding on his own energy or mood, and trying to discharge i, but I'm not his emotion dump... We seem now to be in a better set of getting to sleep habits, but goodness, the daytime with him takes enough stuffing out of me, and the thrashing and chattering at night was too much. We've banned electronics from the bedroom....
I'm convinced he doesnt imaginatively or observationally stand outside of him to predict or notice the effect of his verbalizing outloud, making racket or thrashing or walking around. With me or anyone else. Increase of stress in his life is the only consistent differential that I've seen in our house. I've had to be willing to take care of myself, and not expect him to be self aware or self limiting unless I tell him point blank, let me sleep, or I'm sleeping on the sofa. Golly, who wants to have to battle to get enough quiet to get to sleep...
LMG, I periodically use noise cancelling earphones and/or shut the door of the room in the house that I'm using as my office and workroom. If your husband is trying to stop his chattering when you tell him you need a break from it, even if it only lasts 5 minutes, he may be good intentioned, just unable to moderate himself. I often tell my husband that I'm going to shut my office door so that I can concentrate on something. He seems to need that, to feel that HE's not being rejected...which he's not ...it's been years, but he's finally accepting that sometimes I do things because of my own needs,
We live in a small space and I have an auditory problem of my own.I had to do something for myself, and make it stick, with a man who exteriorizes in physical action, chattering and electronics on all the time. I can take action for myself with earphones for myself and my own space with a door on it, without telling him that he's doing something wrong, which he isnt, it seems to me to be neurologically and stress driven for him, or require him not to stride around or have the electronics booming. If I know the man I'm with, he will always have to exteriorize some...he's got a constant flood in there! Sometimes he's in deep inner focus and it's quiet (and the slightest of my sound bothers him) and sometimes its very like what Dede describes.
If you consider the earphones, make sure they're ones that really cancel sound. I began with cheap ones that werent any good at all. If you do get some consider getting ones that Bluetooth, so you are not tethered by a cord if you want to listen to your own music while you move about the house.
Good topic And Timely
Submitted by kellyj on
I just purchased some Bluetooth earbuds... I've had noise cancelling headphones and I've also had what they call full and closed or wrap around headphones the old style with the big earmuff that cover your entire ear, but I simply bought these so I wasn't attached to a wire to my phone so I could put my phone in my pocket or set it down near by and walk around and listen to whatever I wanted. What I found was interesting since I didn't read the directions or even read all the things that this gadget does when I bought them as I wasn't really interested in anything more than my immediate need. Plus I like the design and it was a little different since it's like a horse shoe you wear around your neck and there are two small wires that go up to the earbuds and into your ears when you're not using the earbuds it's got a magnetic little garage for each one on the end and they click in and look like they're part of the this horseshoe you have around your neck... it's kind of funky to look at and at first I was pausing to study this thing but then I thought that I like necklaces , and it looked similar to one I made for a customer once. Plus things around my neck that is wearing things on my neck I like better than in my pocket or on my wrist because I'm so hard on things and I'm app to set them down and lose them if they're not attached to me in some way period.....so I thought, what the hell I'll give it a try plus it was on sale so I snapped it up.LOL. I think I paid 65 bucks for them. Well come to find out they do more than just play music or playback things on your phone they do the same things that SmartWatches did it and tether to your phone you can answer your phone calls you can talk through a microphone that's built into them and I wear them to the store I forget they're even on and because they're on their neck my neck they don't get ruined. Anyway I absolutely love these things for all good reasons and the earbuds are really comfortable and they block out virtually all sound so they don't need to cancel the noise they're like wearing earplugs. Most earbuds hurt my ears after a while but these are really comfortable for what it's worth.
Being by myself all the time has really allowed me to see what I do and why I do things and I can speak to that hyper energy and everything that goes with it and the chattering I know where it comes from and it is nervous energy looking for someplace to go. I'm up and down all the time I don't have to worry about bothering anybody but if I'm not busy doing something and I have no one to chatter at end up finding something else to do with it. I actually get a lot done but that's because I'm by myself I don't have to worry about how I affect anyone else around me that's a huge part of it now I'm beginning to remember back where are these things come from and they all come from in one way or the other the ways you've learned to deal with that energy I have my ways and I'm sure each person is different. I'm on it in inventing spree right now and I realized where it came from again... These things came from somewhere in my behavior which is different than anyone else. I've managed to invent or create a battery powered forklift, a dumbwaiter. ( which I mentioned before to see and I've made it out of a garage door opener you can mount them vertically as well as horizontally and they're made to go back and forth with a cut off switch already installed I used the part that normally pulls the garage door to pull a cable on some pulleys made a little platform for it and a track made out of strut to ride on and Presto instant dumbwaiter and I already had it that's where I was going with this. You know that tendency that ADHD people have of spreading things out all over the place never putting them away... putting them on every table and counter and surface they can find? Well guess wthere's some positives tthat which are extremely deceiving I think... now I can say this and talk about the ADHD effect which is really what you all are talking about in itthe big picture and speak to it possibly from a different perspective from the perspective of the person who has it and what that's like. As I was reading what you had to say Chevron about your husband and the sleeping issues all those things you mentioned... That would drive me absolutely crazy but I sleep sound as a log and don't even move I'm a rollover a couple times but I've been told I sleep soundly and don't move very much and I know that's true now because I've been sleeping in my recliner every night because that's where I fall asleep and I sleep great recliners really comfortable so there you go. Those issues that you mentioned sounds specific to your husband... I have ADHD but I sleep like a rock and if someone is thrashing around it would be highly annoying and I don't like talking to anyone when I'm trying to go to sleep that's just frustrating since I can't really focus or concentrate on what they're saying. I do however know exactly what that's like in a different context I have my places where I can barely contain myself sometimes but I am aware of the Chatterbox stuff... That along with interrupting kind of go hand-in-hand. You mentioned that your hubby doesn't always realize what he appears to be doing a from the outside and I'm no different except... out of need I had to learn to be aware of this when I I had my business.... I became so aware of it I started to get really self-conscious especially at first. That feeling self-conscious and uncomfortable was actually a good thing since it motivated me and made me aware that I needed to be watching this and that's just something that I did about it that doesn't mean I don't feel it inside. I used to suffer greatly from what they call pressured speech which is where you feel like you're running out of time and you can't get enough words in edgewise... You speak faster and more urgently which comes across probably has feeling stressed which is exactly why it happens... I also stammered not Studdard but stammered trying to find the words all trying to talk too fast too much all at once... That and a lot of circumstantial speech which is still there today. You really have to be made aware that you do these things since you're not going to notice them for yourself unless someone points them out to you... how people pointed out to you historically if your life also has a lot to do with where sensitivities come from I think. I remember getting really upset with my mother for moving all my little projects as if I had the entire house at my at my disposal... the reality was I thought nothing of the thing I just needed a clear space to fix or work on the thing I needed to work on and the other spaces were already taken up that's about as far as my thinking went and it still happens today. The ADHD doesn't go away... the Rushing River of information and thoughts that are hurtling through my head all coming from my personal Library of Congress would probably cause most people to faint if they suddenly had to experience that the overwhelm would be so great. LOL. I'm used to it that doesn't mean it doesn't complicate things and make it difficult to edit and narrow things down but what comes out is the tip of the iceberg... If I were to just let loose all the time it would be nonstop without a doubt. And I am very aware of those moments with other people or I start to get on a roll as I call it... it doesn't mean I don't start to interrupt, or I don't start to get wound up nothing has changed... what's changed is my ability to catch it to notice it and arrested before it comes out. I found the better I am at doing anything like this the less effect I have on others.. if I could stop completely I'd be perfect but that's not my goal. In my early years and then out of need with my business I had to talk to people or wanted to have friends and wanted them to want me around so that became an important thing that I focused on I'm not assuming that true of everyone though. Thrashing around and sleeping I don't think is ADHD related... I could be wrong but I've known a lot of people who snore at our up and down all night and do all manner of things while I'm sound asleep because they say so with a fair bit of resentment and jealousy... but there is possibly a reason why that happens that I do experience myself and I really noticed it quite immediately being alone most of the time. I've never had problems sleeping so I can say I should probably just born that way... but the second you're alone, or the second there's a pause in the action, or you find yourself in moments of Silence even when there's other people around... I found the second my brain is not occupied either doing something or... engaged in some way where I'm using that metal energy... Immediately it's not comfortable and I get the impulse to do something what it doesn't matter just something... Anything. Anything but being in that raging torrent all alone and no where to put it it's like being in a little kayak and a major torrent of Rapids that never stops. LOL. And when I'm at home now alone I have music playing all the time... There's only one radio station here in town that doesn't have commercials which thankfully it's a jazz station which I can listen to continuously. I can't listen to commercials especially car commercials they drive me crazy!
So here I am trying to finish up my studio which was the old bedroom move things around and reorganize again and suddenly every counter the Force Base and everything is pulled out where I can see it. I remember the video where dr. Russel Barkley mentioned external cues, they have to have external cues or they won't see it. A ha! LOL Thats it he says... and stand there and look at it for a while and take inventory and keep going back and taking inventory again... organizing is a painstaking process for me. but the advantage of having everything out where I can see things as I start putting things together that's where all my created thought comes in now I've got all these parts and pieces and things that I own and I don't want to put them away I want to make something out of them that's why I bought them and suddenly all these ideas come flooding into my head and now I've got something to keep my mind occupied especially in those quiet times when I have nothing else to think about. I remember the first time I took a yoga class with my ex-wife and at the end the leader said now clear your mind of all thought and let your mind go blank....ha ha ha! I thought... What the hell is she talking about? LOL that was before I knew I had ADHD:)
J
J
Submitted by Chevron on
So, a Library of Congress in your head with dynamic access
My husband has a couple of those horseshoe headsets with earbuds, and really likes them. hahaha which means his pace striding around the house can really pick up, if he's having an energetic conversation. The only downside to them I have is before if he raised his voice and said something in our very small place, I didnt ever know, unless I was in the room with him and could see him, whether he had started talking to me, a room or two away, or whether he was talking what was inside his head...which he does do, when he does some of his work. Now, with that collar device and the very thin cords to the earbuds, I cant see whether he initiated talking to me...which he does do...or he's talking on the phone or he's verbalizing his inner mind flood. its part of our day. I dont mind it if I can keep my own focus and rhythm of what I'm wanting to do...that door to my office gets used. And a few times i've played with it...as when he's verbalizing his Inner Hubby, the other day I responded to it, and IH said, yes, I agree, and kept on.
The moving around in bed. J I'm glad you sleep soundly. I think it's a good possibility my husband has RLS. Having less stress in his life seems to help with it.
Spreading things out. We both have areas of the house where we can do what we please, and dont bug each other about. Due to the small size of our place we have a couple areas where either of us can spread out...some projects need that..I've got one that needs it now, but we have agreed to pick up after ourselves and return the space to common use immediately, It works for us. I think it does because we're both quite active physically during the day, and want some spaces for actively doing things together....and the place is too small to do things together without making room for us to do them.
I'm enjoying your description of what you've enjoyably resumed of your old life, J