My name is Dave and I have high level ADHD. I am married to the most wonderful, beautiful, caring, sweet, empathetic woman in the world. After being married to me for over 13 years and she is STILL with me proves it. About six months ago, she was done. Done with me being defensive about everything, mean to her, not helping in raising our two girls while she NEVER slept AND worked to pay our bills. I went and did what I thought was important, I had my ENTIRE priority list upside down, and I really had no clue what I was doing. I could not EVER figure out when she would cry and beg me to help or be nice in these situations, and I was flippant. As I look back, I was the champion jerk. I would always say to her later how much I love her, care for her, and love our kids, but for the life of me NOT figure out why I could be so heartless. Did I mention that K is incredible? We have always been honest, true, and trusting with each other, so no other outside influences...just me.
We decided to see a counselor who is an expert in marriage, and I found last night an expert in ADHD. I have been in a middle school teacher for 24 years, I knew I had it...my report cards showed it. My nine year old now has it too. My point? I had to idea until last night there was a correlation between my ADHD and my lack of husbandry/fatherly behavior. I am not diagnosed, I just know since I have filled out millions of forms, had trainings, and thousands of kids in my class. I am a the poster adult for this...and I have always been upbeat and positive about having ADHD. Not any more.
Last night, after the counselor suggested, or stated, that this condition of ours has had a DIRECT correlation to us. I found you all today. After reading MANY of the posts, situations, stories you could just plug our names into many of them....it is us. I am happy to know this, but EXTREMELY SCARED and worried I have pushed my wife over the edge. I have self medicated for years.....beer, wine, marijuana. It helped a lot. I was never fall down bad, never slurred, always happy/content....BUT I found, after talking six months ago with my wife, that I was always checked out, not 'present' enough to be emotionally involved in my family. My wife did it all.....I worked, coached and reffed wrestling, and whatever else I THOUGHT was what I should be doing. ANY TIME she would so sweetly bring up anything-kids, money, work, childcare- I would get defensive, rude, mean, and she would cry. I never knew why I would do that to her...to my love, my everything...she is my best friend.
I have changed over the last five months. I have read books on why I am a terrible husband. I have read books on how I have hurt and crushed my wife's spirit and esteem. I have not had one drink, pill, smoke, NOTHING. I have begun meditation for about two weeks now. All of this has helped. No more lies, empty promises, lip service. My wife needs me to prove to her how much I love and care for her and my two beautiful girls. I know she is hurt IMMENSELY......really bad.
What I want to know....be honest...non ADHD people...when she says show her and work for her to prove this....do you have advice? She said the last four months have been amazing, but when she sees me or we talk, she slides back into that hell and pain. I am living somewhere else for the month of February for her to begin healing and for me to continue to work on myself. We just want advice from people LIKE me and from people who live with partners like me, that KNOW our daily struggles? She is done with the lip service and the longevity of my actions will be the factor. Are there signs or factors for me to be on the lookout for? I want to be the one who puts in ALL of the work.....It is time for ME to feel it and let her heal.
I cannot lose my wife and family now....I see it! I get it. I hope it isn't too late.
Thank you ahead of time for any feedback....
Dave
PS- I am only 11% of the way through your book Melissa, and I can just see my wife and I in all of this.....
Hello, Dave.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I am the "Non", engaged to a wonderful man who has ADHD. We are going on 6 years together.
When you wrote: : She said the last four months have been amazing, but when she sees me or we talk, she slides back into that hell and pain. I understand completely her point of view. Part of her is waiting for the other shoe to drop, After living like you have been for years, it is difficult for her to believe that change is possible.
I met my fiance 4 years after ending my abusive marriage. My ex husband constantly criticized me, verbally abused me, blamed everything that went wrong on me and was minimally involved with our two children's lives. Although he was a good provider financially, there is more to marriage than bringing home a paycheck.
I am glad to read that you are taking ownership of your ADHD and the effect it has had on your marriage. Time will tell with your wife. I understand that you want to save your marriage and family, and I appreciate that you are working on lasting change. You cannot rush her.
Thank you so much. No shoe
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
Thank you so much. No shoe will drop. I thank you and wish you all the luck. Any suggestions for me to help her? I feel I am working me, but for us?
In the same boat
Submitted by LFTF518 on
I can relate to your wife. My husband is a fantastic provider and doer of things around the house. But his attention to the relationship is seriously lacking. He says he feels like everything is a top priority and can't filter.. so he isn't checked in to the relationship, the us stuff. It's frustrating because I know his heart and I know he loves me.. but he isn't great at showing it or devoting time to us. He has intentions to, but doesn't follow through. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive & that never ends well. I would say make your marriage, your wife and kids your top priority, give them time and attention and be open to hearing what they need to say without feeling like a failure, try to remember that when someone expresses a need or something that you've said or done to hurt them, it's about the behavior- most often not an attack on your character or who you are. It's an expression of their emotion, their experience, their pain. Just try to keep an open mind and listen to understand how they are feeling or what their experience is.
Thank sooo much. That is what
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
Thank sooo much. That is what I have been doing. Starting meds soon. Today I made 300 conversation sticks for dinner and play time. All family, relational, emotional, math, science, empathy, and love questions to have family dialogue.
I really appreciate your feedback.
Awesome!
Submitted by LFTF518 on
Awesome! You can do it! In reading your post, it sounds as if you really love your wife and kids... all you can do is keep trying to do better.. that's all we can ever do!
I REALLY REALLY do...I
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
I REALLY REALLY do...I thought it was solid and fine....but I will continue to work toward being the best I can. Thank you for the support! I just didn't clearly honestly know how bad I had become.
Keep up the awesome work!
Submitted by KMM on
Hi Dave -
This is the first time I've commenting on anything on this site after joining about 14 months ago. I just had to respond to you and offer you some hope. My husband (ADHD partner) and I have had a very similar experience to what you describe. We both knew he probably had ADHD/ADD but had no idea that it was responsible for the bad communication issues and other problems that developed over time in our marriage (parent/child, defensiveness, lack of connection, my feeling he didn't love me, etc.) He was very successful in his job (sales) since it was a good fit for someone with ADHD. And he's always been very committed to me and our now grown kids. Just as you, he coached their sports teams, attended every game, music performance, etc. he could. He was happy, but not present and very defensive whenever I tried to get him to focus on money, major decisions about the kids, me or our relationship.
Melissa's book was a huge revelation for us when we first discovered it several years ago, but we didn't get very far in it. My husband tried meds for a short time, but went off them and kept thinking he could just keep working hard to "be better". He felt ashamed and was in denial of the fact that it was a problem for our relationship, not just for himself.
A few years later (14 months ago), when things just seemed to be completely falling apart in our marriage, we went back to the book and both read it. We also read the follow up book of Melissa's called "The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD" and it's been SUPER HELPFUL. I would highly recommend your wife reading the books too if she hasn't yet. We read the chapters separately and then discussed together afterwards. He has a hard time focussing enough to read books (no surprise) so he'd listen to an audio book. It really helped for me to understand more about how differently our brain's are wired and the unhealthy patterns that had developed between us. We also took Melissa's course/workshop which was beneficial too.
I was really happy that my husband finally understood how ADHD had affected us and him, but it took time for me to trust that he was truly enlightened and committed to working on himself and the marriage long term. The more I could see how seriously he was taking this and observing some huge changes in his mood, being present, listening, sharing his feelings, etc. the more I was able to let my guard down and join him in the journey. Now I realize that I was afraid to get my hopes up that there would be consistent change, worried that I'd only set myself up to be disappointed yet again.
My husband says he realizes now that he wasn't present and he now works every day to be self aware. He knows what he needs to do to manage his symptoms (exercise, food choices, mindfullness strategies, etc.) We both seem to have rejection sensitivity dysphoria which has contributed to our inability to stay neutral and would turn even the smallest and stupidest disagreement or misunderstanding into a huge fight. We wouldn't have even known what that was without reading Melissa's book. We get along so much better now but still slip into old patterns. It really take time and a lot of work. Most days, we are in a completely different place (14 months after starting the first book). We also tried marriage counseling with multiple therapists, but none of them fully understood the dynamics of ADHD and how it can affect a marriage, so we got so much more out of Melissa's books, the workshops and other podcasts we found ourselves. I also did one of Melissa's non-ADHD spouse support groups which was great.
I think it would help for you to be patient with your wife, as she has been through a lot during all these years. At some point, after she's seen the changes in you, maybe she'll be willing to learn more about ADHD and how it has affected your relationship. Ultimately, it helps for both partners to work together on this, but it might take time for the the non-ADHD partner to be ready (it did for me at least) since they often feel they've been the one doing everything to keep the relationship and the family's life going. You've mentioned that she's felt very hurt by your actions/words, so it's understandable for her to need time. If she's experienced a betrayal of some sort, that can be very traumatic and require proper healing and the rebuilding of trust. I know it was frustrating for my husband to be in this new place of positivity, but see me still feeling hurt and not always able to stay in the present with him. But, when he showed patience and understanding towards me, rather than defensiveness at those times, it made a HUGE difference for me. When he got defensive or had the attitude of "I'm doing all of these great things now, but it's still not good enough for her" (which did happen a lot at first) it only upset me more, made me resentful and slowed down the healing process for me.
I hope hearing about our experience offered some hope and ideas. And, I wish you the best in your work to improve things for yourself and your relationship!
Wow, thank you sooooo much.
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
Wow, thank you sooooo much. We are headed in your direction it seems. My wife is an angel in disguise. Thanks for reaffirming that we can do this. I'll bet your husband I are from the same mold. I'm a teacher-always different stuff...the favorite teacher(not sure why). I loved your examples too...I truly appreciate you taking the time write this.
Enjoy your week!
Wow, thank you sooooo much.
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
Wow, thank you sooooo much. We are headed in your direction it seems. My wife is an angel in disguise, so thanks for reaffirming that we can do this. I'll bet your husband and I are from the same mold. I'm a teacher-always different stuff so I love it..the favorite teacher as well(not sure why). I loved your examples too...I truly appreciate you taking the time write this.
Enjoy your week!