Perpetually Frustrated lol ;)
So...once again I am beyond frustrated. Just completely exasperated. H and I agreed in Jan. that we would move out of our apartment 6 weeks from now and rent a house. We gave notice to the manager 2 mos ago. Yesterday I got an email from the apt manager that said please confirm that you are staying on month to month. I asked H what was up and he said he is not ready to move and he needs an extra month to get everything packed up. I said well how do we save up enough money for a deposit and 1st month's rent to rent a house if we stay on here for another month. He said he didn't know. I said what is the plan. He said I don't know. I told him I cannot live like this anymore. It is wearing me out. I do 90% of the grunt work and 100% of the planning and implementing and following up work for us. I'm not doing it anymore. It isn't fair to me. I told him he needs to step up and take on half of the load. He says he wants to try taking Melissa's seminar again. I said why? Why should I pay for that again when you didn't participate last time?? More importantly why should I get my hopes up again???
Intentions coupled with inaction.
Submitted by smd1409 on
You're completely right in not getting your hopes up for all these mentioned matters. It seems as though your husband strongly struggles to get round to doing things and consistently feels overwhelmed. However, if you see good in your husband and sees that he does mean to try to become better but keeps sabotaging himself, then here are a few things that might help:
Summary: if you still have love for him, and see good in him and have the patience to try again, start small with him until he gets better.
And I do not say that this will work, however it might, and its a way forward if you would like to try again, and if it fails, then hopefully it will grant you new insight into his problems and if I'm around, God willing I can try to explain what is going on in his head. For the record, from my view (and ultimately you know him better), it does sound like he honestly intends to get better.
I hope you are able to find comfort and hope in your husband again, and feel better in yourself.
Your therory could work
Submitted by adhd32 on
If the ADD partner is a willing participant and truly wants to contribute, your suggestions could work. I think that most of us frustrated non spouses have set up systems, made calendars, texted reminders etc. The thing is that the ADD spouse feels no responsibility to utilize these things or initiate another system to help themselves stay on task. My experience has been to be yelled at to stop doing the very things you are suggesting. Any improvements or new ways of doing things have inevitably been discarded once H gets stressed and he reverts to his comfort zone of lack of communication and participation. Even if reasons are discussed and H agrees that changes to need to be implemented he loses interest. Some things do not need to be broken down into little steps so that the ADDer can master the task and feel good about himself and receive praise from his spouse. Taking out the trash or walking the dog are daily easy straight-forward chores that a 6 year old can do. What is the reason they cannot be remembered by a grown ass man that walks by the trash can and the dog? Everything is later, in a minute, then never done.
All.of.this.
Submitted by daizzebelle on
Yes it is hard to understand why a grown man has so much difficulty getting the trash out...especially when it stinks. It is his ONLy chore btw. My 11 year old does more chores than he does. Without being reminded.
ADD or not?
Submitted by smd1409 on
Having such a spouse that will not listen to the advice of others is definitely not easy. At the end of the day, the ADD spouse will be the one who knows himself best and see what does and doesn't work. However, blaming others and feeling no responsibility isn't something that is only narrowed down to those with ADD, I have seen ADD communities whereby the majority only want to do the best they can, improve and keep trying in the face of heavy criticism on their attempts. And I've seen non-ADD communities that promote the same neglect of responsibility that is very frequently mentioned here.
Regardless, if there is one side that does not want to discuss, and if that is the case, then it would be a matter of finding a solution to get him to work together with the spouse first. And that in itself is not an ADD problem. The closest recognised ADD symptom to being unwilling to work together with others is that they struggle to wait their turn and that they appear not to listen. Neither of these means that once they can comprehend what you say, they will instinctively deny it. That's another disorder known as ODD, or simply just pride/arrogance. And although ODD is a genetic disorder of opposing the needs of others, it is still controllable.
And yes, I am so aware that ADD stops grown adults from walking the dog and taking out the trash that it hurts. When the part of the brain that prioritises, allows one to retain working memory and emotion is lacking, when it is requested to take out the trash or walk the dog, it is really frustrating even to the ADD individual that wants to do so, especially when:
This is not meant to be apologetic. It is what an ADD individual has to go through every moment of the day, and many people take for granted just how easy it is to do things when their brain is in working order, and the effects such a disorder has on someone's life, even if that someone commits every moment of their day to improving themselves.
Summary: if you see your partner wants to improve and you see they truly mean it whenever they speak of it, they really are trying: just that they are struggling. If they resist, it is another problem that is not technically associated with ADD, and that should be solved first. If you feel unable to cope with it despite their intentions being sincere, then it's understandable; after all, they themselves never asked to have to deal with this, and would have probably broken themselves off from it the moment they could.
I can relate
Submitted by adhd32 on
My H cannot see the big picture. He cannot make any plan and never ever has a plan B. Like you I had sole responsibility for 90% of the household and kid tasks and he proved to be unreliable for the 10% which I would end up doing too. There is no team work and all the promises are just their mouth blurting out the fantasy in their head because all the promises never come to fruition. H has zero idea what happens in the household behind the scenes that keep things on track and on time.
IMO it sounds like your H is trying to get you off his case about moving and all the problems so he has now created a diversion because of his lack of action. When you bring up the consequence of not having money to move, he responds with the seminar in order to get the discussion away from his lack of a plan B. I know this scenario well, my H usually tries to blame others when he fails to follow through. So draining to be hitched to someone who cannot think about you and the marriage partnership.