Hello
I have mentioned my story before and its been over a month now that my wife has left and gone to live with her parents with my 2 little children. I continue to go to therapy, take my meds and even going to get a hopefully full psych eval to confirm adhd, that I have been diagnosed with, and maybe even add more things to it.
My wife and I talk often, but lately she has been placing even more distance between herself and me. She has told me she is happy now for the first time in her life, and does not know if it is going to work. It breaks my heart that on a continuous basis, she points out everything that has happened in the past, and cannot get past it. I dont want to forget anything, but I have to move forward ever so slowly in order to accomplish any of my new goals. My wife is hurt, sad, and frustrated with me, and who I have let myself be...in all reality I dont know, really what happened. I know that this diagnosis of adhd has shed some light on things, but like most non-adhd spouses, it is looked upon as a myth, or something that is not believable.
I have put her through alot, with lack of interest in her, putting my job first, hyperfocusing on things that I shouldnt be, and not showing my family I love them. In my mind and heart I know I love them, and want this to work....again it does take time. I am trying to be patient, but I do not feel any push forward, or interest in making things work on my wife's part. She is frustrated with me that I dont feel sad, anymore, I dont act like I miss my family, I dont miss her......which is a crock, because I have told her day in and day out.....but, I did tell her, I cant change how she feels, how she percieves things, it just makes me sad.
She has said that up where she is now, is her home, and the next step is divorce. We have been face to face maybe 2x in the last 6 weeks...for everyone that tells me it takes time etc...I honestly see, that...but to have her turn her back on me, and not believe anything I am doing, or working toward....hurts I guess.
Just once when we talk, I would love to have her say..ok keep working on it, be consisent, and I will support you. Instead she is like...when you did this, why didnt you do this sooner you could of saved our marriage, my kids are not coming home (notice my)....I am slowly being written out of the picture.
Thank you for listening. I am frustrated, but more importantly, I am focused on getting better, with or without my family.
Any thoughts or anything from a non-add perspective would be appreciative....
Ryan
How long have you been
Submitted by brooks30 on
How long have you been married/together? If it's more than just a handful of years, believe me she has tried.
Those with ADHD tend to have an easier time forgetting and getting over past events than those that don't have ADHD. You think she is just harping on the past but it sounds to me as if she is healing old wounds. You yourself said that she informed you that she is happy for the first time in her life. If she were unable to forget about past hurt, she would not be happy.
It is so great and important that you continue helping yourself. But even outside of an ADHD relationship, relationships sometimes end. Her making the decision to not proceed further with your marriage is her not having any energy left because of past events...once again, you said you "I have put her through a lot".
I wish you all the luck in your journey.
My anger at my ADD husband nearly ended MY marriage
Submitted by Sueann on
My husband put me through a lot, too. He wouldn't work, while I had 2 jobs, and he wouldn't even do dishes or anything. I could have died from lack of medical care as my job does not provide insurance.
When he started taking meds, he was willing to work again. It's been 2 years now, and he hasn't been fired. I'm getting what I need, although far from perfect.
Would I marry him again, knowing what I know now? Probably not. Am I still angry about the damage he's done? Yes, and I'm not sure that damage will ever be fixed. But we are married, and I can see he is trying (he just went to Wal-Mart to get me something I need for one of my classes) and I've tried to make peace with the fact that I'll never have the life I wanted. Maybe your wife will too, if you give her time.
I understand your need for support, but . . .
Submitted by arwen on
you need to understand better where your wife probably is in her feelings. All those years that you had undiagnosed ADD, she was probably using up her personal resources to keep things going in the family with as little negative impacts as she could manage. And then after she used up her personal energy and patience and emotional reserves, she probably started shredding her personal integrity (I don't mean honesty! I mean her "wholeness" as a person). And then after she couldn't do that any more, she probably ran on empty for a long time. She probably hasn't got anything left to support you with. And a few weeks away from you is probably nowhere near enough to fix that.
Your wife is probably feeling is an immense sense of relief. When my husband and I separated, *I* was happier from relief. Instead of having to deal with constant anxiety (what unfathomable thing will he do next? how am I going to cope with that and everything else on my plate too? how much longer can I go on like this?), I was experiencing glorious, wonderful, soothing, blessed peace of mind. Until you have experienced *years* of *constant* 24/7 anxiety, you can't have any idea how draining that stress is, and how much a deliverance its absence is. After all the misery, it's like unexpectedly finding nirvana. Would *you* want to give that up to go back to the misery, even if you were promised (by somebody you weren't sure you could trust) that the misery wouldn't be as bad as it had been?
So, it's probably unrealistic to expect *anything* from your wife, at least at this point. And it probably would be a considerable help to your situation to acknowledge the validity of her feelings and accept them.
I was willing to try to reconcile with my husband because (1) he *showed* me how hard he was working to change while we were separated, and did change for the better in ways I could clearly see (2) I felt that it if we could make our marriage work again, it would be in my and my children's best interests to stay married. There probably hasn't been enough time for your wife to reach either of these conclusions, and it's possible you haven't *shown* her reason to think they are even possibilities.
You talk about what you tell her -- what do you *show* her? If you say "I love you" and then ask for support she is unprepared to give, you are not expressing the love you say you feel. My husband used to have a lot of trouble understanding that it is not enough just to *have* a special feeling for someone else -- for the feeling of love to be meaningful to the loved one, it must be expressed in more than just words. I would tell him that when you love someone, you care about their needs and wants *at least* as much as you care about your own needs and wants, and you need to show that in your actions. You don't need to support her in the goals she has that you don't agree with, like a divorce, but what about other things that are important to her? Can you show her support in other ways? And, if you really love her, give her time to heal. Wanting her to take steps she is not ready for is selfish, not loving.
Your situation is different than mine was, in that you found out about your ADD at roughly the time your wife left you, whereas my husband was diagnosed many years before we separated. So at the time we split, I already knew a lot about ADD. I didn't blame him for it, I had a pretty reasonable idea of what he could change and what he couldn't -- so I had a good idea of what my choices were. Your wife does not have this knowledge -- she may be very scared that there is something "wrong" with your brain functions. (Please note, I do *not* look at your ADD that way -- but she may.)
You cannot force her to learn about ADD, of course. But you could point out to her that even if you two end up divorced, you will have to do some negotiating about the settlement, and it would be to her advantage to know something about your problem. You could offer to provide her with information, like Ned Hallowell's book Driven to Distraction, which I think would probably be a true help to her in many ways. You could even tell her that people who don't have ADD think it would be good for her to read it -- I'm sure other non-ADD posters here, and Melissa Orlov, would agree with me on that. I have to think that she is more likely to be understanding and have a more open mind if she reads this material, and that may help you in your efforts as well.
I know it's not your fault that you had/have ADD that wasn't diagnosed, and you never meant to make things difficult for your wife, but that doesn't erase the *fact* that you did. You can't change the past -- but you *can* try to make up for it. I don't hear anything in your posts that suggests that you acknowledge that you have a big debt to pay to your wife. And if I'm not hearing it, I'm guessing she's not hearing it either. You sound like you want to wipe out the debt and start fresh -- sort of like declaring bankruptcy. Well, there are consequences to declaring bankruptcy, including the fact that lenders don't want to offer you credit anymore. And similarly, your wife is probably not willing to let you have an opportunity to rack up any new "debts". If you try to make up for the past, it shows that you accept the responsibility for what you actually did do. After all, what we actually do is what matters most -- intentions count for something, but not as much as actions.
This may have sounded harsh to you, but I'm trying to help you avoid the mistakes that my husband made in his understanding of my feelings so that you can better achieve your goals. I know you are working hard to deal with your new diagnosis and I can tell that you want to do what is right and best. Good luck!
thank you
Submitted by tracsport on
Wow...the debt, yes...i dont know what it means to pay the debt really. How can I pay back something when she wants nothing to do with me. I have told her I have created a ton of messes, I had the best of intentions in my marriage and every mistake, came with how come you cant get it together, how come you cant fix things.
I honestly believe my wife wants me to answer all of her questions, all the time, and when i dont have the answers, she thinks I am lying to her, holding back or something like that. I wont lie, this response appears harsh, but we all have our own opinions etc...If my wife comes back, she comes back. Its hard to communicate through a phone call.
She said she is reading driven to distraction, I am too....if we do go through a divorce, it is what it is. My wife is happy because I am no there, she is close to her family and ultimately wanted to be there to begin with. She keeps telling me she picked me, when we got married, but I think I fell into what she wanted....and since we got married...I have not become that man she wanted...for whatever reason. Also feels like a competition of sorts, sister got married, she got married, sister had kids...we had kids...sister got a divorce...well......
It is horrible for me to say that, but sometimes I feel it.
Overall, thank you for your honesty, there will be times that I will be totally frustrated with this, but overall I feel good about the situation, and hope in time my wife can too. I want her to be happy, safe and feel loved. If its not by me, then its not by me.
I appreciate the support :)
Thanks, arwen...
Submitted by Flower Lady on
Your comments to Ryan are so spot-on....exactly how I feel too. Thanks for articulating our feelings so clearly...showed them to my husband in the hope it would help clarify things. :)
Ryan, my husband could have
Submitted by js on
Ryan, my husband could have written your post, though I have not yet left. I have one foot out the door. In the past 5 months, my husband has started medication and therapy. He is still working to achieve the correct dosage, etc. His eyes have opened, and he sees many things for the first time...including my emotions and reactions.
He feels fresh and has a new energy. Yet, I am drained emotionally and exhausted. I have had to start psychotherapy and start antidepressants because of our relationship mess. He wants us to start anew and like you, cannot understand my hesitation. What my husband, and perhaps you, do not see is that a relationship is a culmination of time and events. I've been through so much with him that he did not see or does not remember. I have held our relationship together--although not necessarily successfully or in a healthy way.
Saying that you want to start anew is one thing--showing it is another. Consistency and follow-through are key here--have you said things in the past that you did not follow through on? Were you consistent in your actions? Have you given her mixed messages? All of these things, chip away at trust over time. It will take longer to repair them. Will you focus for awhile on the relationship and then get bored and give up? This is what you have shown her in the past.
If she comes back, can she trust you to continue focusing on improvements? Or do you have so many habits ingrained that you will fall back into them? My husband has developed habits that I do not think he can break--or I have yet to see him break them without me telling him he has to stop. It is as though I have to teach him how to love me, to be part of our family. That's too overwhelming for me, as perhaps it is for your wife. I do not want to be his mother. I want him to hold me up for awhile...instead of me always being the bridge.
I admire your persistence, your reading of this site, your acknowledgment of difficulties.
Good luck.