Cutting to the chase: One month ago I found this book and it scared me with how much it matched my marriage. My wife read it as well.
Overall, our three month journey of going to counseling together and separately has been very good. However, one of the most painful things she has told me is that she feels like I'm her best friend but she's not my best friend. Essentially, she processes outwardly and tells me everything she thinks about, while I process inwardly, which makes her feel less important to me. A big problem my wife still has with me is that she can tell when something is bothering me. Often before even I know. Historically when she would ask what's wrong with me I would reply with "no." I've since learned that I should've said "I'm still processing and I'm not ready to talk about it now." But I'm still having such a difficult time expressing my feelings. Old pieces of wisdom such as "don't begin a conversation while angry" and "pick your battles" make me second guess whether I should tell my wife what's bothering me the moment she asks, due to the possibility of hurting her with thoughts that have not been fully processed. Any advise on how to communicate effectively will be highly appreciated.
Background: I'm 31, male. Been married for 9.5 years w/kids. Diagnosed with ADHD at 24. All I knew about ADHD was that it meant a person has difficulty focusing. Medicine helped a lot with focus.
However, the last three months have been hell. My wife said that if I did not meet her needs (have things in common, go out to dinner/bars/concerts weekly etc) then she would not want to continue being married.
It destroyed me. I was frantic. Not knowing how to fix something that I thought I had been fulfilling for years.
Life is always about priorities.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Only you and your wife know (only human's that is) the truth about what your efforts have been in the home and family (wife's life and real needs) the past 10 years....All of us have our priorities, the things we give our time and attention to....And when those priorities aren't what they should be, or we get to selfish with our time and attention, then like you stated....The hells of this life come tumbling down....
I'm not particularly fond of some of the things you say your spouse wants...But, she definitely deserves some quality time with the man she loves, and the man that vowed to love her...Our spouses should be at the top of the list of our priorities....One thing I've noticed with my wife's (very add) mind, and thought processes....Her focus is mostly on self entertainment....Fun things, TV, computer games, trips, kids, grand kids..etc...These things are all mostly fine...It's that she struggles to prioritize anything that calls for day to day responsible acts....Her spouse (me) is easily dismissed much of the time, because she can count on me to be here doing the right things, so I become just another mundane item?? Not good;)...I end up having to remind her about most every thing she feels in mundane to her thrill seeking mind set .....I'm not in no way saying you are doing this, but, it can be difficult some times for fast minded people to see (be aware of) and take care of the full circle of life, and it's responsibilities....
Communication becomes impossible when one or both partners seek to defend their point of view....You and your wife need to determine in your hearts, that you are going to listen to each other calmly (agreement or not)....I have had a bad habit of interrupting her, when what she is saying is selfish in nature, all about her...But I'm wrong to do that...I should listen! And I'm doing much better....What has helped me is many things really...But I had to ask myself can I keep doing this, and really love her??....You and your wife are two different people, working from two different minds...Got to respect that big difference if communication is going to be possible...
Not defending her here, but, sometimes it's easy to get defensive when you feel your not being heard, and your spouse doesn't show the desire to have a healthy attachment, built of love and respect....Ask yourself this question....Does my life style (time and attention) send a message that I'm OK, with not highly prioritizing my wife, and enjoying US time, in ways that are important to her??
Best wishes as you guy's work through this...
c