I want to talk about the hard stuff but just…can’t

Hi Mike

Submitted by J on Sat, 09/07/2024 - 04:35

I've written things a few times in the summary so you're not alone. Don't sweat the small stuff!

I did go ahead and read a few things in your past comments that caught my eye. Me, having ADHD as well, could relate well with many things you said. Especially about being wounded from being criticized so many times when you're growing up and your comment about "piercing a metal shield" of protection. These are all good things for me to hear because I'm experiencing some of the very same thing from my ADHD SO. Especially the criticizing. It's not just being criticized once or twice...or even three times that bothers me. I can handle that easily without too many problems. It's the berauge of insults or criticizms that come at you all at once....or even for a few days that finally trigger me. The shear number is what overwhelms you where you finally say...enough!! Remember, I have ADHD too so I can suffer from a sensitivity to criticism. Can you image you....getting bombarded with criticism and it won't stop for several days or more? It sounds like to me, that would just about put you into a coma if that happened to you?

How do I know you're doing this? You said so in a comment in a post you made earlier inquiring about this same topic about having a difficult conversation. You mentioned "picking at" your wife ( or partner )...and doing it all the time. When you look up the meaning of "picking at " here's one explanation:

"Picking at someone" means to criticize or nag someone in a petty or niggling way. For example, "Stop picking at your sister".

I've used the words "poking" or "needling" on this very forum. Like getting poked in the arm with a needle in the same spot over and over until you finally say.....enough! That spot becomes sore after a while when it happens enough times. Just like the wound you were talking about? Is that person going to trust that your not going to hurt them especially when they've been poked in that same spot one too many times?

I think the answer here you may be looking for, is to stop " picking at" your wife first...until she feels safe enough to talk to you. Then you can begin to start having a difficult conversation once you've done that long enough.

I just experience the from my SO, not because I've been "picking at" her...but from trying to attempt to get her to see we've got some areas in our relationship that need some work. She was okay at first...but as I tried a few more times to slowly introduce more things over a two day period....she finally got upset and started raising her voice and getting very defensive. To the point, she threatened to split with me if I didn't stop. So I stopped and did as she asked. She'd reached her limit of hearing something that even sounded like a criticism of her ( how she perceived it ) when in fact, I was using words like us and we and saying things like "we need to do this together" in an effort to tread as lightly as I could. That was only a few attempts over a two day period before she shut down and pulled the plug...even making idle threats if I didn't stop that would be the end.

Now my RSD has been reactivated but I'm calmly down gradually. I very much understand the being sensitive to criticism but I'm also aware of everything I've just said so I can manage these feeling and talk myself down.

But that "picking at you" man....that shit has got to stop before you're ever going to be able to have a difficult conversation with anyone. I get that it's a defensive mechanism to protect yourself, but it's also pushing people away and not getting you what you want.

That's the biggest part of what's happening now with my SO. I feel pushed away and held at arms length because she fears intimacy. That's the real issue at the bottom of this problem. That metal shield is up, and it keeps me from getting in.

I hope this doesn't trigger you my friend, but what I'm saying is the absolute truth. What you want...your not going to get if you don't take care of some other things first. It's what I'm in the process of doing right now for a different reason...but building trust is at the top of the list. Part of that for me means, stopping when she asks.

And in the same way....you need to stop too for a different reason. I do it because I'm anxious and need to take more time. You may be doing it because your afraid, and not allowing her past that metal shield. I can tell you from the receiving end...that really hurts sometimes being held at arms. length. I even said that to her last night. Whether she was able to hear it....I don't kmow?

Misunderstood

Submitted by mike1112014 on Sun, 09/08/2024 - 18:11

Yeah I think my point was misunderstood. I do t pick at my wife by criticizing I ask what's wrong until she finally brings up something she didn't wanna talk about right now or was trying to let slide.

criticism in my relationship is unidirectional, I don't criticize my wife and she does criticize me, tho not unfairly. I'm incapable of participating in a real back and forth like that because I get physically weak at the idea of confrontation with her. I think she will leave me and I will be left with nothing. So I hide. I hide my mistakes my feelings and who I actually am. I thought I could smooth the edges enough to get through a rough patch but it became my default and I didn't even realize it. Now she might actually end our relationship and it's ironically BECASUE I hid. Not because of my shortcomings

I See

Submitted by J on Sun, 09/08/2024 - 19:29

You're in a tough situation, one I've been in before. When ever I've lead with " What's Wrong?"...it's never ended with a very productive conversation. I try not to say anything, instead of "what's wrong" when that's all I've got. You're basically asking another person what they're feeling in a moment when they may not be feeling anything? Or just going off the look on they're face if it's sour or they're not happy looking. Who knows, maybe they're hot and gassy and uncomfortable and now they're hit with "whats wrong?" in that moment? What kind of answer are you going to get? "I'm hot and gassy and feeling very uncomfortable " is most likely the answer you're going to get. And I sure, that's not anything close to the conversation you really want to have? What happens when the they answer? The conversation just ended and now what?

I try, to think about what I really want to know first....then think about how to actually say it in order to narrow it down to the specific thing I want to know. This usually takes some time for me to do and it's not always easy. Sometimes I sleep on it and see how I'm feeling the next day before I even make an attempt in case I need to change it of edit it a bit. And usually I do.

But honestly, when I'm feeling like asking "what wrong" it means I'm feeling insecure and wanting that feeling to go away....as if, another person can do that for you? Which they can't. Only you can do that which is why, that's usually not the time to ask that question but instead ask: what's making me feel insecure?

And....once you know the answer to that question, chances are, you'll know the question you now know what to ask your wife like: "I'm feeling insecure because I'm afraid your ready to divorce me" but re-frame the question to her as something more like: " I'm concerned about our relationship and wish I knew what I could do better and improve on to make sure that doesn't happen?"

It's kind of like: "Ask not what your country can do for you....ask what you can do for your country." ( How can I help you better than I've been doing ? )

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by hiding but I get paralyzed by trying to make any big decisions which is an ADHD thing. That might be part of not knowing what to ask if you haven't decided what that is yet. Knowing what to ask comes from knowing what you want first. She can't do that part for you. That's one reason why "what's wrong" doesn't work.

Hope that helps you a little?

PS If I'm actually really wanting to know how a person is feeling ( inquiring how they're doing, is there anything wrong ? ) as in, the state they're in at the moment as a concern. Then that's a different situation than trying to start a difficult conversation with someone. That's not a difficult conversation ( or shouldn't be ) if that's your intention.

Hiding

Submitted by Swedish coast on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 10:27

It's so sad that you feel you need to hide your feelings and can't be your true self in the relationship. I'm so sorry.

As non-ADHD, I've had this hiding behavior in my ex husband too. When it finally became clear he hadn't been honest with me, about his thoughts and opinions and emotions, I was devastated.

Please try to tell her the truth. It may give both of you a chance at saving the relationship. And if it's not possible to save it, at least she doesn't have to realize too late her life has been built on lies.

But What If.....

Submitted by J on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 13:57

Mike doesn't know what his feelings are Swedish? That then, becomes the real problem doesn't it? As I was telling him, you've got to know what your feelings are first. If that's the case, then therapy is in order I'd say.

I suppose, if you really do know what you're feeling and you don't say so...that again, is a different issue.

Mike....Another Consideration to Think About

Submitted by J on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 10:32

Being with someone who has ADHD has been a real learning experience for me. Simply put, I experience what must be the same as a Non-ADHD person experiences on the receiving end now. And my first immediate reaction is...."do I do that?". And many times it's yes but maybe just as many it's no which can be confusing at times? Since, we're all unique people in our own way, it goes to figure not all our behaviors will be the same. But there are the stereotypical things that ADHD people tend to do as a whole and I certainly have my share of those too.

But again, being with someone who has ADHD, I run into communication issues with my SO that make having conversations with her difficult sometimes. I thought of what you said in relationship to something she does quite often. This has to do with the low threshold for frustration, an ADHD symptom...and the irritation that ensues.

She'll get irritated...both.....when she can't understand me....AND.....when I can't understand her. This is something I've noticed which can also be frustrating for me!

But thinking about what you said when you mentioned saying "what's wrong? "....considering what I just said about my SO becoming irritated when she can't understand things going both ways.

I can understand people getting frustrated trying to listen to me at times for a number of reasons. Having a hearing loss as a young child creates a number of issues when your brain is developing and learning how to speak. That's a separate issue entirely but yet, it's still a problem for me in my ability to be fluent when speaking.....my actual ability to speak is impaired at times. This must be frustrating for others at times no doubt!

But, this thing with my SO...when she gets irritated when I can't understand her is also interesting. In part, my ability to hear and understand and process goes both ways to....hearing and speaking. But at times, she won't make herself clear...and then get annoyed and irritated even when SHE hasn't communicated well.

This I believe is the low tolerance for frustration on her end. Just being frustrated in general will make her irritated or even angry at times.

If any of this sounds familiar, then it's possible this is happening with you too? If your wife is losing patience with you getting irritated when you guys talk, she's probably showing that, which might make you say "what wrong?".

Maybe....this is what's wrong? Just a thought?

One time in fact, she became really outwardly angry when she asked me to show her how to do something. This is in an area of expertise and I've taught others to do similar things many times.

She got so frustrated and angry I had to stop and say " hey!....I'm trying to teach you something here...something you asked me to do???"

That was a complete breakdown in communication for no apparent reason? Thinking about this now, I think she wasn't processing what I was saying well, even if I was being clear and speaking in a linear way...step 1, step 2, step 3.....and so forth.

In other words...in this case, it wasn't me not being clear ( for once lol ) it was her getting frustrated from her inability to understand in that moment. Her frustration tolerance is pretty low as I've witnessed.

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