I've been doing some soul searching. What did I do during our many years together that hurt my undiagnosed ADD partner?
We all know some very common things, and those I've done. I was critical of his priorities and questioned his performance. I dismissed most of his ideas.
Impatient by nature, I've made him feel he was always too slow. I've prompted action and decisiveness to no avail. I've shown irritation at his natural pace.
Also I complained a lot. My life with him had few rewards. It was as if my worth in the world plummeted with his hidden depression and anxiety when our children were little. I couldn't understand why nothing I did helped, when formerly I had been quite resourceful and felt well liked. I then complained about being unhappy, feeling alone, feeling overwhelmed, feeling badly treated by other people. I complained about work most days and took work distress home, but didn't quit the line of work I was doing.
His parents noticed something was wrong with us and decided it must be my fault. Then I refused to see them. This he couldn't accept, and it was a constant cause of conflict for years.
When he was sick, I couldn't stand it. He had a way of slowing down even more, to the point of complete standstill, not communicating at all for days when he had a cold. I was angry with him for it, and I showed my impatience and anger when he was ill.
Most days I tried to run a cheerful family and worked around his negligence. But some days I confronted him for never sharing his work schedule with me. For leaving all planning responsibility to me. And for all the other things he didn't do.
Add years and heavy resentment. Finally I felt he should acknowledge I was there at all, no matter how shut down I was. He was newly diagnosed needing encouragement and approval, and I was just spent. I was barely able to support us financially and keep house. I couldn't give him the emotional support he needed.
All in all, I understand I've undermined his confidence, punctured his hopes and dismissed him as an equal partner. I could have done better, by leaving long ago, even though I didn't know what our problem was. There really was no virtue in hanging on to the misery and spending us both.
With an early diagnosis, things might have been different. But to be honest, I probably wouldn't have started our family if I'd known about his neurodivergence. This I'm not proud of. I've loved him deeply. But nonetheless.
Considering all this, he has been very kind to me. There have been rage outbursts, but most of the time he's been very gentle, loving and kind.
I need to remember that, too.
samsies
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Swedish, I really appreciate you sharing this. This is me and you and I are the same. I'm in the midst of this right now and finding it so so so so difficult. It wasn't always like this, I don't want to BE like this but we are in such toxic dynamics and I find that I'm just paralysied in communication. I can't even ask him to throw away his breakfast trash because I'm not sure on the reaction I'll get. It's really tough. You are so seen and validated.
How we’d like to be
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you Off the roller.
We'd like to be different than these relationships allow, I think. It's obvious on the forum - there is so much kindness and compassion. But then we all freeze in disfigured shapes in relation to our spouses.
It's hard not being able to feel pride about our family life that we've invested everything into.
Dear Off the roller, I think about you.
Becoming a better person
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Swedish,
A lot of this applies for me, too. I know for example that having patience for a decision that may never come was a source of frustration for me, so it's possible that I grasped onto hints of his agreement, vs truly making sure that he has completed his think-through process, or helping him to do so.
Another area I think about a lot is validation. Did I get to a point where I was quick to dismiss his feelings? At the very least I can say that I didn't dig too deeply to find them out. It was only in the last year or so that I understood that they were buried behind concrete, so I'm not sure that I would have had a lot of luck there anyway.
A book that is helping me to think these things through right now is "This is How Your Marriage Ends". It's intended to be proactive for people who want to improve their relationships. I hope it can help some who are still fighting for their partnerships. For people like you and I who have gotten past salvaging, it's a great forensic tool in addition to Melissa's book.
It's also helping me to understand my strengths. One is seeing the world in shades of grey vs the black and white thinking that is so common in ADHD. I see that you also see many possibilities, and I'm sure you spent your twenty or so years together working on yourself through trial and error of the many many options.
So please don't be too hard on yourself now. You've been brave and courageous, kind and empathetic here and, I know, for your family.
Many options
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Catterfly, I could add those two things to my story as well - pushing a little for decisions and giving hidden emotions a breezy attention.
I appreciate so much your nuanced approach to these issues. In fact I marvel that you - who could understandably have been both angry and discomposed after what has recently happened - have the ability to keep shades of grey in your thinking at this point.
You're right. We need to forgive ourselves for when we were less than we wanted to. And for me - who was initially very angry and unaccepting - it is also necessary to ponder my own transgressions.
My friend introduced me to the concept of self-compassion. I think you have developed this to a great extent, which is excellent for healing and rebuilding.
All my best to you.
absolutely
Submitted by 2lawyers on
I am still in the thick of the despair you described prior to ending the marriage. This all sounds so familiar. I read on one of the blogs on this site that I should not nag, ever. And yet I struggle with how to do that. Instinctively I was already doing that, but how it manifests is feeling an inability to say anything at all about anything. I'm afraid it will sound judgmental. It might even truly be judgmental, in a passive aggressive way. My partner's neglected responsibilities are important. I can be as delicate as possible but I think raising the important issue so that it's addressed is still nagging. And when they are not important, then it is real mental work to just leave the task there undone, ready for him to do whenever he finally gets to it. In the meantime I have already expressed in counseling that I feel resentful about not being appreciated. I think of myself as the family safety net. And maybe I wouldn't feel resentful if he would acknowledge how many times things land in the safety net but he doesn't. I feel exhausted too. We just "celebrated" our 25-year wedding anniversary and we pretty much did nothing at all, each both so resentful we couldn't muster the energy. And he wants to know what I intend to change about myself in the counseling process, because it shouldn't all be about changing him, but I don't think "not be annoyed or resentful at you" is a very good answer to that. I have only said, I just can't believe we are still working this hard. We are 25 years in and it's still so hard.
Nagging
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I strongly believe that it's wrong for experts to call out non-ADHD spouses for "nagging." It's blame shifting to the wrong party and honestly incredibly sexist since it's usually reserved as a negative term directed at women. The responsibility should be on the party with ADHD to implement systems and address symptoms so they can be more accountable partners. The already traumatized party should not be made to feel even worse for simply communicating simple household needs that are commonplace in any marriage. Calling us "nags" is another way to silence us and it's not okay.
You're not nagging. I'm really sorry for what you're enduring in your marriage.
Resentment
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I frankly don't think anyone can be a safety net for another adult's abandon for decades and not be resentful.
The task is impossible. Take all the crap and not complain? Who with any self respect would? Especially if for years or decades, there wasn't even a diagnosis to explain why the non should accept it?
I dislike that non-ADHD partners are told not to voice their needs. Sure, for years it may look like the non partner can handle the strain and wear. It may seem fair that they shoulder an immense load, since they are able to. But at some point their health may be ruined and the entire family go downhill as a consequence. Who then wants to have told the non to exhaust themselves for their ADHD partner?
Please be easy on yourself. Nobody should expect you to conform to what you describe. It must be your choice entirely.
/Oh and good points Melody, it seems we were writing at the same time!
:)
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Ha ha - great minds, Swedish!
I so agree with what you've said about self respect as well as growing resentment from feeling silenced.