My wife and I went through 8.5 months of marriage counseling 5 years ago...With a very good counselor....I was an angry man, hurt and bitter then...On more than one occasion, I would get up to angrily walk out, but, never did...My W would never own her behavior, and always blamed, denied, or justified it....She just wanted a referee, not help....
So fast forward though much prayer, (deliverance from the anger and bitterness) study, and coming to grips with having to set boundaries, and realizing only acceptance of my wife's reality would ever stop me from wanting to fix or change her. And also coming to peace with (it's ok to leave and live permanently separated) if we can't stop the conflict, and, if she wasn't going to start doing the work of the relationship willingly, w/ out the victim attitude....
We talked an hour...I told him about the boundaries, the walking away from (not engaging) due to the inability for ownership, or healthy communication....We discussed her add, he asked if she was taking her meds, etc...He said he could tell that I was in a good place...He also pointed out to me, that it may never change...I said I know:)
He ask me why I waited so long to check back with him...I told him because I was so ashamed of who I had become when I was there last....I told him that I knew, that I had a lot of work to do on myself. He gave me a sheet of anger triggers....
Hurtful words
last minute changes
feeling neglected
feeling disrespected
stress in the work place
unrealistic expectations
a stubborn person
unmet desires
when my children disobey
yelling/nagging
feeling my rights have been violated
having no plan of action
not talking through issues
After considering this list a day...I text the counselor and thanked him for his time...I told him in looking at this list (I could check off about 7 or 8 of these) I could see 10 years of past hurts, and the dysfunction that revolved around our relationship....But, on the bright side...I could also see much deliverance and growth since our meetings w/ him 5 years ago....I know my W has meet w/ him a couple of times over the past few months...I didn't mention it, nor did he....
c
Thanks for sharing this. I'd
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Thanks for sharing this. I'd like clarification on one thing though: was the list of anger triggers a universal list or a list of things you personally had brought up to the counselor in the past? Was there a suggestion from the counselor about how to use the list?
Hello S&S
Submitted by c ur self on
He and I have the history I talked about, he knew how my hurts were playing out in anxiety and angrily pointing out to my wife her unacceptable behaviors....And all the dysfunction and chaos that happens when two people refuse ownership, and want or can't communicate from a mind of awareness...But always clearly see the wrongs of the spouse....
So to answer your question I would say the list is generic or universal, but, almost always on target...There is a place at the bottom that say's other.....The other side of the form say's...The five steps to anger awareness....
1) Be aware of you anger, what feelings and thoughts are the under lying causes of your anger....hurt, fear, sadness, guilt, shame, or something else?
2) Be aware of the intensity of your feelings...How intense are your feelings on a scale from 1-10?
3) Be aware of the thinking related to your feelings...Think things like....I can control my anger...I can learn to manage my feelings....I can take care of me....
4) Be aware of the actions and behaviors associated with your anger. Replace thoughts that trigger these behaviors with calming, soothing messages and images..
5) Be aware of the consequences of your anger. What will happen if you let your anger out of control? What will you be teaching others?
The counselor understands difficult marriages are a constant...He understands that the pressure is own us in these type marriages. But he also knows (like Melissa points out in her book) that if the spouse who is being subjected to the dysfunction allows themselves to become victim to it, (unable to observe and accept it (another's actions) as completely unrelated to themselves) then the battle starts...So we have more dysfunction, anger, anxiety's and frustrations...It's never about assigning blame...It's always about dealing with our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors....No matter what we observe in our spouses...
I think this is the only way to stay emotionally healthy in a difficult marriage....I better accept it...see it, and come to peace with it....Not many want to live this way, (this aware, unable to let there guard down) it takes much discipline....And for me, much prayer!
c
Why Boundaries?
Submitted by c ur self on
Instead of starting a new thread, I would like to take a moment to address boundaries...And after what I just shared, boundaries fits nicely here....I have come to realize over the past 5 years, that boundaries are a must when one or both spouse's live selfishly, pursue and justify independent living....And this selfish independence is intrusive and/or abusive...Most first time poster who come here asking for help or advice are dealing with this issue....Boundaries aren't most people's first thoughts when it comes to the question; "How do I/we get this dysfunction corrected? And that is understandable, because boundaries limit fellowship, and marital interaction (openness)... And lets face it, no one really likes the restrictive nature of boundaries in a marriage....So our first instincts are to; point it out, then we decide our partners need drugs, and another adult to talk to them, because they aren't hearing us;)....So the cycle starts....And as most of us find out when denial is present....It can be very damaging, and very very ugly....Then one day, we ask ourselves how on earth did we get here?
So, boundaries usually become the reality for those who are wise, and who want to stay in the marriage, and realize it's the only way to stay, and limit the dysfunction that has you trapped...Many people have convictions to do and be what they vowed to do at the alter....Some do not....So boundaries want help the lack of effort placed by each of us, when it comes to honoring responsibilities without excuse...But, boundaries (which are primarily protection for both parties) can stop the pain and hurt that comes from trusting someone who isn't trust worthy in many area's of living life...
Difficulties in placing boundaries....IF you have small children in the home, and your spouse isn't trust worthy, then boundaries are a must, but they are also the most difficult to place...It's a lot of work!...Because it may mean a whole new outlook on life...(New Plan)....It could mean working outside the home, child care, learning new job skills, furthering our academic education. Most of these big boundaries (changes) come about due to limited financial discipline (wasteful and selfish spending habits)...But there are a plethora of smaller boundaries that limit the impact for intrusiveness in the area's where the likelihood is very high....Usually these have to be placed because of those explosive moments of selfishness that a spouse justifies as (spontaneous thinking, lol) in order to try to manipulate, or force their will on the partner/spouse, with no concern or thought about the partner's feelings in the matter....But, they are restrictive, but, restrictive is better than the alternative any day...
Boundaries that are working properly also force accountability....Examples....If your spouse heads off on independent adventures and justifies it....You should never forgo your own desires in life....I don't mean spite work, I don't mean spending money you don't have....But, if you are constantly being abandoned on the weekends, or when ever, because independent activities are your spouse's pursuits....Don't stop living! lol....Dress up and go to that favorite romantic restaurant, so what if she or he isn't there, take your 11 year old are all three of them:)....When a thrill seeking selfish mind realizes you will never count yourself a victim to their actions...And that you are going to LIVE like they don't exist (when they choose to not make you their priority in this life) then they will see the light...People who operate out of selfishness can't stand to miss anything...FOMO...(Fear of Missing Out) is a product of selfishness....
People learn to consider others when forced by boundaries into self discipline....Childishness and Selfishness in adults with denial, must be dealt with respectfully....That can only occur with boundaries (forced accountability) unless you love years of dysfunction, anger, and pain, sexless marriages etc....most of you know the list!
Blessings
c
And sometimes...
Submitted by Brindle on
Sometimes those boundaries and living your own life reveals something to you that is painful to realize- the person you’re married to isn’t interested in mutual relationship.
Your thoughts here are spot on. And I’ve been doing the “live your own life and make those plans with your children” for years. And instead of waking up to what’s going on, H insists it means he isn’t wanted. I could give numerous examples of how boundaries didn’t fix things. But that isn’t the fault of the boundaries. What the boundaries have revealed is a spouse who wants his own way, yet wants there to be no consequences. He wants the world to smile on him no matter what he does or chooses. And when the consequences are unpleasant or painful, he’s a victim.
And that’s when boundaries become even more important. We have to protect ourselves. I’m staying in my marriage because (among other reasons), I vowed “til death do us part,” but nowhere did I promise to be a yes-man who volunteers to be hurt again and again and wrings their hands in despair and helplessness.
Same
Submitted by adhd32 on
My H wants his cake and eat it too. No one cares about him. No one includes him. He made things this way because of his behavior. This is his own choice. Who wants to bring a loose cannon out to socialize with new friends? Im entitled to some peace with friends and time alone with our kids without him comendeering the floor and ruining things because he gets board. Life without boundaries is absolutely impossible.
Boundaries
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Boundaries are necessary in any marriage, or any relationship for that matter. Boundaries are healthy, and necessary, as I found out from my marriage.
In the past, I didn't set boundaries, which allowed my ex husband to run roughshod over me, and drag me down.
So True Brin...
Submitted by c ur self on
The results you've stated is what we want our boundaries to accomplish...When we use boundaries and acceptance to protect both spouses from intrusive or abusive behaviors....It will eventually draw out our hearts true reality (both of us)...The results (victim stance, etc.) may not be what you or I would like...But, if the refusal to be manipulated, used or controlled for someone else's selfish desires is being accomplished...Then what ever manifests in that adults heart (their behaviors) is 100% their responsibility to own and deal with...
c