Help. My ADHD husband makes me mad. We have been married for 3 years. Our child is 2 years old. For all the time with him, I experienced lies, lived for a long time with the feeling that I was being deceived (and it proved true), he does not complete anything to the end, he can freeze watching TV, he is very absent-minded, you cannot rely on him - he makes mistakes almost everywhere, he makes impulsive purchases, he interrupts, he does illogical things, I can’t calmly leave him with a child. From a recent: the child slept in a stroller without a blanket in the evening at + 16c, came from a walk with his legs and arms cold. Not making sure that there is a temperature, he simply gave him an antipyretic "just in case." Forgets everything all the time. He even forgot to wish me a happy birthday when I was at the maternity house two years ago. I'm constantly monitoring and tracking everything: two children (there is a daughter from my first marriage), a dog and him. He can leave the house in a soiled shirt. At the same time, he believed that everything was normal. Until I started searching and found out about ADHD. A month ago he went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with ADHD. He got prescribed strattera (atomoxetine), because stimulants are not available. But I'm already tired. I'm like a soldier who took out a comrade from the battlefield, and I myself am full of bullets ... I break down on him, yell, shout. When the lie was revealed, I slapped him in the face. It was last year. Now he reads a lot about ADHD, and constantly repeats: "This is ADHD, be patient, just be more tolerant to me, what's wrong with that ..." and I no longer have the strength to tolerate even his smallest slips
He only recently started a bullet journal, and he only keeps it, he says he doesn't know why he didn't make checklists in all rooms at least, and he doesn't have a notebook near bed, but he says he is working on improving his adhd, and I do not see any progress.
He almost tries to force
Submitted by dalanak on
He tries to force himself to write lists and somehow correct himself. But he still forgets everything. I take it that he does nothing. Because it always needs to be forced.
May I suggest....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
May I suggest cognitive behavioral therapy. It helped my fiance.
Your husband has to want to change and see how his ADHD is affecting you and your marriage in order for anything to change.
Thank you for your response.
Submitted by dalanak on
Thank you for your response. I do not know what to do. We have a small child. And everything is on me. I'm tired of controlling him. And not to control is impossible, because he can make a serious mistake. I cry almost every day. My son sees it. And the husband is trying ... But as soon as everything gets better for a day or two, he relaxes and messes up again.
We do not have such finances
Submitted by dalanak on
We do not have such finances to look for and go to sessions with a psychologist. I don't know what else to do.
As soon as he behaves like a normal man and husband, I instantly become normal. My level of control decreases, I become kinder and more gentle.
The husband here
Submitted by KVR on
Yeah, so I am the husband And I feel a bit ambiguous about this all Because, you know, I always thought that everybody was just like me, only they trained more, or they had better luck, or apparently they were smarter, to achieve what I could not, and suddenly I find out that not only most people think along different patterns, but I hurt my wife through this as well! The knowledge proved to be both a blessing - now I have at least some defences to fall back to when I can't do something the way I am supposed to, - but the curse, too - because there are many people who overcame the ADHD, and it is curable... but not here. We can't get stimulants, they're illegal here, so atomoxetine is the only med I can get It does help somewhat, I can say that the band in my head stopped their rehearsal finally... Still, there is a lot I need to learn yet, and it does prove to be a bit hard to start doing something without being overwhelmed by the realization that I almost managed to destroy my marriage and that I severely hurt my wife through my behavior...:( I wish I could just switch something in my head and start doing everything correctly, but this is not going to happen, and I have to make enormous efforts to start doing something, which kinda makes me feel sad and miserable
A valid decision but...
Submitted by loveandpeace on
You are facing two separate issues. ADHD is hard. With hard work, many of the things you noted do exist and will likely never be strong points, but can be improved upon to an acceptable level. That part only he can put his mind to. To many fall into a victim state and die there. I love hearing from those that figure out ways to rise above....and it's easy for none. The absent mindedness and forgetfulness can be improved with things like checklists. Especially if he's just gotten Straterra, which was a game changer for me, if he's actively working towards improvements, a lot can be accomplished. I went from not being able to keep a job to a wealthy man who has worked around the world leading teams and making some nice accomplishments.
Make deals with him to get rid of sacred cows. For example, turn off the TV or leave it for an end of day reward or something. TV is awful for ADHD. If he's going to watch TV, he has to set a timer. When the time is done, the TV has to go off, but even then he's going to be worse off for a bit afterwards. That new instant stimulation with bright flashy colors and new information is a tough one for ADHD. When I was training, I literally only kept a small TV that I could play VCR movies. (The VCR tape ends and then it's done) Later I moved to DVDs, but then I had to make sure to use the auto off timer to shut it down and not play ongoing.
Your decision is whether you are up for that fight or not. Get a plan and commitments. Work with the doctors. Expect retracements, but try to calmly make it register that it's unacceptable. Celebrate progress. A lot of people get wins, but if you two are constantly fighting bad, then you are honestly not helping him or yourself. Nobody does well in a toxic environment.
Lying is a bigger issue. It's also completely separate from ADHD. ADHD doesn't make you lie. Something may not register and be quickly forgotten about, but I'm separating that from a lie. If your partner has no integrity, how can you trust their commitment to a plan to improve? How can you trust in their love?
I don't have an answer for you, but I would suggest separating the two things. Can you forgive the lying that has already happened and will your partner commit to being honest with you going forward would be step 1. If acceptable to both, then you can start working towards improvements with the ADHD. Figure out the team first, then make the plays.
I will say one final thing. The ADHD partner that is able to grow with support at their side is a complete idiot if they do anything but cherish that person in the long run. Conversely, when one has fixed themselves already yet still has some ticks their later partner doesn't care about and jumps all over...there's nothing that would make the relationship last.
Be grateful he's trying
Submitted by CompletelyLost on
This that's what I went through. Honestly be grateful he is even trying. Our kids are teens now but when they were little I about lost my mind. He even left our baby in a hot car once. Thank God I noticed. It's nerve wracking. But I had to ask myself one simple question. What would joint custody like like? How would our kids survive being given to him 50% of the time without me there to watch out for them? They wouldn't have.
17 years later I have the most amazing kids, separate bedrooms, and no relationship with my husband. I have clinical depression and anxiety. My heart is broke and I'm alone. Besides taking meds my husband doesn't even try and never really did. If he's trying read books and try to meet him halfway. Because your situation isn't hopeless yet.