I figured out that my hubby has ADHD about three months ago. We're in our early 40s and have been married almost 19 years. While he was initially very resistant to the idea and he still adamantly refuses to get a diagnosis or utilize any type of treatment, I keep sharing info I'm learning... and reels. Oh my gosh! Reels have been the best way to help him learn about ADHD! They're short and often humorous and he can identify with them rather than me, as a neurotypical, trying to explain my findings to him... and he is gradually accepting that ADHD IS something real that he has struggled with his entire life.
Anyway, me learning about ADHD myself has really improved how I interact and communicate with him. I now regularly text him reminders, which heads off him forgetting, thus avoiding me being irritated or upset, and him getting defensive and angry. I have learned to keep my cool and not take it personally when he flares and calmly bring him back to the topic at hand without allowing him to fixate and swirl on one singular point. I don't just walk off anymore when he starts to get angry or unreasonable with me, but stay present and keep talking calmly until we resolve the misunderstanding. Me making small changes in my behavior and my responses to his behaviors has reduced soooo much misunderstanding, tension, and conflict in our marriage. And that part is good.
Unfortunately, now that he's feeling more understood and connected to me, he is smothering the heck out of me. I don't feel understood by or connected to him. I feel like I am the one who has suffered the most in our marriage. He regularly put most of the blame on me for our marital problems over the years, and I received the brunt of his frustrations with himself and others. It wasn't until just a couple years ago, when he finally started making outside friends and realizing they reacted to his behavior pretty much the same ways I react, that he actually started to understand how extensive his role in his poor relationships has been. He's apologized to me many times and makes a conscious effort to be better, but I'm still struggling. I feel like his verbal and emotional abuse over the years have pretty much crushed my feelings for him. I distanced myself emotionally from very early on in our marriage because I couldn't handle the constant hurt from his chaos and destruction, and now I'm suddenly feeling like a cat being squeezed by a toddler who won't ever let go. I don't want to hurt him, but I am not comfortable being super close to him - physically or emotionally - all the time, either. He constantly tells me that I am his "person", but I feel like being his person is sucking the life out of me. I feel like he is happy to let me be responsible for helping him manage his challenges - at least when it involves our family - and regulate his emotions in our relationship. I am the one who keeps calm in conflicts now - which are rarer - but he still runs his mouth in much the same way he used to until I can talk him down. I have become his educator in regards to ADHD and his "therapist", as he frequently wants to talk about his challenges and new discoveries. He tells me all the time how much he appreciates all my help and feels so loved by my efforts, but I feel like our relationship is getting lopsided. I have 20 years worth of my own trauma and disappointment from our toxic marriage and now the discovery of his ADHD (along with RSD, anxiety, and probably other things I haven't learned enough to identify yet) that I'm trying to deal with. And I can't talk to him about anything I'm struggling with. He interprets any attempt I make to set healthy boundaries (for myself) with him as rejection. Sometimes he acts hurt and other times he's outright rude and defensive, and I feel like now that I'm having to regulate myself - more than ever before - AND him, and it's a lot. We (I) tried marriage counseling to improve our communication and I hoped we could discuss, and that I could possibly resolve and heal from, all the ugly things that had destroyed our relationship for all those years. He felt humiliated by it and during the sessions he mostly sat there with his head down and wouldn't say anything. I eventually gave up because we couldn't get anywhere like that, and he just got angry every time he thought someone might find out that we were in counseling.
If you got this far, I guess I appreciate just being able to vent my frustration and overwhelm. I don't know if these feelings are part of the process and things will get better as time goes on. I can only hope so. He's happy now, but I'm just tired and I'd really love a long break from all of it.
My marriage became very
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My marriage became very lopsided, in the ways that you describe. Many other things you say in your post also were applicable to my marriage. I've been divorced for 6 years.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I'm so sorry to hear that. We're you able to heal from it?
it's natural to feel how you feel
Submitted by StumpedInSeattle on
As a non-ADHD spouse myself, I can totally relate to some of your comments - how you find yourself feeling is not abnormal - I would say it's a natural consequence of being a long-term non-ADHD spouse, including the part where you emotionally distance yourself to protect the core of who you are, and yet still end up "feeling like a cat being squeezed by a toddler". I've been married 23 years and only last year realized my wife has ADHD (this, only after our kid was formally diagnosed). Suddenly 22 years of marital friction made sense and also helped me understand how and why I had turned from a a happy, light-hearted person (pre-marriage) to a nagging, controlling, grumpy, cranky, depressed spouse. IMHO an ADHD person simply cannot understand the long-term caustic effect they have on their non-ADHD spouse. From their perspective, they have been 'normal' all their life (because for them ADHD is a normal state of being) and they cannot really put themselves in our shoes - nor can they grasp the immensity of the cumulative, long-term suffering of the non-ADHD spouse. If after diagnosis they try to repair the relationship, they probably think they can easily repair the present, not knowing that there are foundational cracks in the structure caused by years and years of stress. A common ADHD trait is to live in the NOW - the past and the future does not exist for them - so it's a natural outcome that they cannot conceive stuff in the past also needs fixing. I honestly don't know if it gets better or not - I'm not being able to see the light at the end of this tunnel right now. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to think about divorce, but I don't. The only alternatives then are to detach from the relationship, or to try and heal, either heal yourself alone, or heal the relationship together. I wish you luck in your journey.
PS It may not be a bad idea to take a vacation by yourself so you can give yourself a little time to heal, and maybe develop further clarity of thought.
Gosh, I'm so sorry you've
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Gosh, I'm so sorry you've been in this boat for so long, too. Yes, it's the long-term, cumulative effects I am struggling with, and even resolving some of the past issues isn't making their effects magically disappear for me like they seem to have for him. He's always accused me of simply holding grudges forever, but when the abrasive behaviors never come to a full stop, it's really hard to just let it go or get over it. He can't take back the damage. I haven't become nagging, controlling or grumpy, but I know I have a lot of repressed anger, hurt, and hopelessness that weren't in me before. I'm not looking to get a divorce, either, but I do fantasize very often about living a peaceful and happy life without the chaos and conflict. This is so hard and certainly not what we signed up for. I hope that you are able to find the light at the end of the tunnel at some point.